Coyotes' 2009-10 season ticket sales.
Luckily, NHL leadership is aware of the problem and has enacted several initiatives to face the issue. I've obtained a top secret NHL memo which outlines 15 strategies the league will be implementing to regain its popularity.
- Kill off formerly popular "wacky neighbor" character played by Jeremy Roenick.
- Reconsider plan to have entire 2009-10 marketing campaign managed by Dany Heatley's agents.
- Effective immediately, Alexander Ovechkin plays for all 30 teams.
- Make sure any league decision is in the best interest of the fans by constantly asking "What would the Toronto Blue Jays do in this situation?", then doing the exact opposite.
- The next time NBC executives ask the league to play a crucial playoff game outside of prime time, Gary Bettman will look them straight in the eye and say "no" before immediately assuring them he was kidding, refilling their coffee cup, and scheduling the game for 3:00 a.m.
- Encourage financial responsibility among star players by reminding them to insist on receiving their full change after cab rides.
- Offer a boost to struggling franchises in Tampa Bay and Florida by having them play each other in this year's Winter Classic in Miami.
- Encourage US fans to attend regular season games in person instead of watching them for free on TV by making sure the games are broadcast on a third-rate network nobody has ever heard of.
- In the Western Conference, I don't know, maybe try letting somebody other than the Red Wings be good every now and then?
- To better attract southern US fans, zambonis will now travel 190 mph, only turn left, and occasionally crash into the end boards and explode.
- Have Gary Bettman give one of his "everything is going great" press conferences. Those always work.
- Continue taking the advice of marketing consultants by changing uniform designs, swapping home/away colors, and encouraging teams to come up with new third jerseys every year. Because nothing builds fan loyalty like a fun game of "wait, which one of these teams am I supposed to be cheering for?"
- Goaltenders must now twitter during shootout attempts.
- In order to encourage success in the crucial New York market, pass a new rule forcing less-important teams to take on the Rangers' bad contracts via horrible trades (rule already enacted).
- At all costs, avoid moving any teams into Canada's declining market, and instead keep them in places like Phoenix where hockey's popularity hasn't changed in 100 years.