Friday, June 3, 2011

The other former star players interviewed for Colin Campbell's job

My very own copy of the flowchart? Awesome!
The NHL surprised fans on Wednesday when they announced that controversial disciplinarian Colin Campbell would resign his post and be replaced by Brendan Shanahan.

Shanahan is a natural choice for the job, but sources tell me he wasn't the only candidate. It turns out that several other star players from Shanahan's era were interviewed, and I've managed to obtain a top secret transcript of the proceedings.

Scene: Gary Bettman's office.

Gary Bettman: Well Brendan, that wraps up the interview. And I think Colin and I can agree that you completely nailed it.

Brendan Shanahan: Hey, thanks guys.

Colin Campbell: You're a perfect fit for this job. But before we can make it official, we do have some other candidates to interview.

Bettman: Yeah, you know how it is. We need to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak with us. After all, you're not the only former NHL star who might be interested in the job.

Shanahan: Oh. OK, I guess that makes sense.

Bettman: Great, thanks for understanding. (Into phone intercom): Send in Jeremy Roenick.

Female voice on intercom: Right away, sir.

Jeremy Roenick: Hi guys. Thanks for having me here. I really appreciate it.

Campbell: Thanks Jeremy. My first question for you is....

Roenick: Nice desk. Is that mahogany? I love mahogany.

Campbell: That's great Jeremy. If you let me finish my question, I was...

Roenick: You know back in 1991 with the Hawks, we were in a tough series with the North Stars...

Campbell: Stop talking.

Roenick: So I'm playing on a line with Steve Thomas, and it's late in the third period...

Campbell: Please stop talking.

Roenick: I'm afraid that's not possible. Once I get going I'm not physically capable of silence.

Campbell: Maybe we should move on.

Bettman: Good idea. Our next candidate is former Maple Leaf captain Wendel Clark. Why the interest in this job, Wendel?

Wendel Clark: Well, I'm really concerned about all the dirty hits these days. So I'd institute a strict policy to reduce them.

Campbell: Which is?

Clark: First offense, I punch you in the face.

Campbell: Wow. And on a second offense?

Clark (cracking knuckles): There wouldn't be any second offences.

Campbell: Good point.

Roenick (still talking to himself): And then I say to Chelios, "Loosen up old man, it's the 90s ..."

Bettman: OK, our next former star is... uh oh.

Wayne Gretzky: Hi Gary!

Bettman: Oh man.

Campbell: Wayne, you're applying for my job?

Gretzky: Yeah Colin, I'm looking to pick up some extra income. You see, my last employer didn't pay me everything they owed me.

Bettman: Um...

Campbell: What? That's an outrage! Tell me who it was, so Gary and I can go take care of it for you.

Bettman: Colie...

Campbell: I mean, this is hockey legend Wayne Gretzky. Anyone who would try to short-change him deserves a serious beatdown!

Bettman: Really not helping here, Colie.

Gretzky: Actually I don't think I'll need your help, because I brought a little backup of my own. I think you gentlemen remember (pauses dramatically) ... Marty McSorley.

(Bettman and Campbell look behind Gretzky at an empty doorway.)

Gretzky (confused): Marty? That's your cue, Marty.

(From outside comes the sound of tires squealing as a car makes a speedy getaway.)

Gretzky: I don't understand, why would he take off instead of... oh. Hey, Wendel, didn't see you there.

Clark: Hello Wayne.

Gretzky: I didn't know you were applying for this job.

Clark: Sure am. Want to hear my policy on uncalled high-sticks?

Gretzky (quickly): No thank you.

Bettman: OK, let's just move on to the next candidate. (Into intercom:) Send him in, please.

Female voice on intercom: Yes sir.

Patrick Roy: Bonjour!

Bettman and Campbell (immediately): No.

Roy: Oh come on!

Campbell: Patrick, we saw you play. You were a crazy person.

Roy: So you don't want to hear about my "automatic suspension for turning down a goalie fight" idea?

Roenick: And then I deked past the twitching corpse of Sami Kapenen, went in and scored the overtime winner!

Clark (leaning over to Roy): Man, is that guy ever annoying.

Roy (removing Stanley Cup rings from each ear): What's that? I couldn't hear him.

Gretzky: Hey, isn't this the part in these things where Chris Pronger usually shows up and attacks everyone?

Bettman: Good point. (Into intercom:) Um, by any chance is Chris Pronger waiting out there to attack all of us?

Voice on intercom that sounds like Chris Pronger pretending to be female: Um... no. You guys just go back to what you're doing.

(The sound of a chainsaw can be heard revving up outside.)

Bettman: You know Wendel Clark's here, right?

(The chainsaw stops.)

Intercom: Sorry to bother you.

Campbell: OK, so just to summarize: Wendel Clark wants to punch everyone in the face, Patrick Roy thinks goalie fights should be mandatory, and Chris Pronger is wandering the streets outside with a chainsaw. Also, Wayne Gretzky just high-sticked Gary Bettman in the face.

Gretzky (holding bloody hockey stick): Did not!

Campbell: Brendan, do you have anything to say about all this?

Shanahan: Um...

(Everyone stares at him intently.)

Shanahan: Hockey play?

Campbell: I knew you were perfect for this job. You're hired!


  1. Twitching Corpse of Sami Kapenen is fantastic. One for the Flyers fans. Well played.

  2. Thanks a lot. Now I can't stop imagining Chris Pronger pretending to be female. I think you just ruined my life.

  3. ROFL! Your "Bettman"'s summary was priceless.

    "Hockey play?" Priceless.

    BTW, loved Patrick Roy removing the Stanley Cup rings from his ears. Seems to me I remember a comment from some hockey player or other ... :)

  4. The fact that Clark didn't nail down the job is a travesty.

  5. "and Chris Pronger is wandering the streets outside with a chainsaw"

    I literally laughed out loud here.

  6. As soon as I read the Chris Pronger pretending to have a female voice, all I saw was this:


    This is one of the All-Time Greats!!!

    I somehow knew that the conversation wouldn't be complete without eventually getting a "BOO-YAH!" in there...if only indirectly!

    So, no more NHL Wheel of Justice...we can hope, eh?

  8. This is by far your best post. Ever.

  9. Everyone's heard of "Chuck Norris Facts " and even "Vin Diesel Facts".

    Someone should make T-Shirts/posters of "Wendel Clark Facts"

  10. Outstanding! You nailed so many things!

  11. Re: Wendel Clark facts.

    I actually wrote a post on that over at PPP years ago.

    (The second last joke is... yikes.)

  12. Great, as usual!

    I was kind of hoping Teemu Selanne to appear at some point...

  13. sooo awesome! this is my fav one ever! i love how you handle chris pronger... and wendel of course!

  14. Excellent. One of the best yet.

  15. One of your best blogs ever, DGB.

    I just knew Pronger was going to show up at Bettman's office. The funniest part was Roenick continuing to talk while Roy had his Stanley Cup rings in his ears! Classic. :)

  16. I usually laugh out loud at your posts, but this was truly one of your best ever. I think you need to start writing screenplays for sports comedies.

  17. Loved the fact that Gretzky high sticked Bretman, but why didn't Mr. Clark punch Bettman and Campbell in the face.
    Does he have a soft spot for the stupid people in the world? If he does, he is a better human being than the rest of us.

  18. I think this is one of your best ever.

  19. The MOST amazing post yet

  20. This whole post seemed so real that I even read all of Roy's parts with a French accent.

  21. And then I deked past the twitching corpse of Sami Kapenen, went in and scored the overtime winner!

    I lost it right there. Great post, DGB.

  22. Say *plan the parade one more time*...June 4, 2011 at 10:25 AM

    I read these all the time, but rarely post anything. Most of your articles are funny, but this one was great all the way through.

    Burst out laughing at this:

    Roenick (still talking to himself): And then I say to Chelios, "Loosen up old man, it's the 90s ..."

    Then I just kept laughing.

  23. Love the Wendell Clark guidelines for disiplinary action.. A punch in the face! Great stuff!

  24. This is too genius, jokes put in one after another like rapid fire! with the Stanley cup rings plugging Roy's ears, the uncalled high stick, Wendel's godlyness, Phoenix being too poor to pay back Gretzky

  25. That high stick saved the buds from a much greater embarassment.

  26. Hm ... a very interesting dialogue, I smiled:)