In the Friday Grab Bag:
- My spies have compiled a list of Maple Leaf excuses
- Should you spit on people? A debate
- An obscure player who recently put up an epic stat spoiler
- The week's three comedy stars
- And the only worse thing for a Leafs coach than getting fired: Having Jacques Demers try to strangle you
>> Read the full post at The Athletic
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As my longtime readers know, Gary Bettman loves nothing more than hosting the entire NHL world at one of his world-famous parties. This year was no different, as all the most important names in the hockey world were invited to Bettman’s home for a backyard cookout to celebrate the Fourth of July.
Somehow, I didn’t get an invite. But luckily, my spies were able to sneak in, and they sent me a top secret transcript of the entire event.
(Scene: It’s the backyard of a large home in a trendy New York suburb. Gary Bettman is wearing a “Kiss the Chef” apron as he works the grill and welcomes guests. He’s approached by an old friend.)
Bill Daly: Gary, thanks for the invite. How this year’s party shaping up?
Bettman: We’re just getting started, but so far, so good.
Daly: Great. Got enough food?
Bettman: I think so. I’ve got a few packs of frozen burgers, a couple of steaks and sausages, and several hundred hot dogs that Mike Sullivan dropped off.
Daly: That seems like a lot.
Bettman: Apparently all the hot dog carts near the arena were having going-out-of-business sales.
Daly: I see.
Bettman: He seemed pretty happy about it.
Daly: Are all the guests here?
Bettman: Well, not all of them. Gabriel Landeskog been has been standing on the porch for half an hour, waiting for somebody to open the door for him. Jake Gardiner couldn’t make it because he’s waiting for a repairmen to show up and get his phone line working. And Paul Fenton was on his way up the driveway when he thought he saw a lizard, and now he’s trying to sign it to a contract.
Daly: Does that make sense to anybody?
Bettman: Not remotely, no.
Daly: OK, just checking.
Bettman: Anyway, time to start serving up some food. Hey Sebastian Aho, want a burger?
>> Read the full post at The Athletic
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The hockey world will come together on Monday to celebrate Hall of Fame induction night, capping off one of the very best weekends on the season calendar. Legends from the past join the stars of today to honor the newest members of the sport’s most exclusive club, as part of a lavish and often emotional ceremony in Toronto.
This year’s class features six new Hall of Famers: Willie O’Ree, Martin Brodeur, Jayna Hefford, Martin St. Louis, Aleksander Yakushev and commissioner Gary Bettman. They’ll be celebrated all weekend long, including before Saturday night’s game between the Devils and Leafs. But the main event comes on Monday, when they’re formally inducted into the Hall.
That’s a big night, and it has to be planned carefully. Luckily, my DGB spies managed to get their hands on a copy of the schedule for the evening’s events.
7:30 – Induction ceremony begins. Opening remarks. Attendees are thanked. Brief interpretative dance by Justin Williams and the Carolina Hurricanes.
7:35 pm – Induction of Martin Brodeur begins.
7:36 pm – Somebody asks Sean Avery to sit down and stop waving his arms because he’s blocking everyone’s view.
7:40 pm – Special video highlight package commemorating Brodeur’s never-to-be-broken records such as 691 career wins, 125 career shutouts, and 7 trillion airings of that “midlife crisis” car rental ad.
7:45 pm – Touching speech by Brodeur in which he thanks all those who were involved in his NHL career.
7:46 pm – Murmurs of confusion as everyone tries to remember why he just mentioned the St. Louis Blues.
7:50 pm – Induction of Aleksander Yakushev begins.
7:51 pm – Courtesy pause for younger North American fans to google “Aleksander Yakushev” and then totally pretend they didn’t just have to do that.
7:55 pm – Video package highlighting how dominant Yakushev was during the 1972 Summit Series, and we quickly realize we may have been a little bit too effective when Bobby Clarke runs out and breaks his ankle out of force of habit.
While the eyes of the hockey world have been focused on the Stanley Cup final, the Sharks and Penguins weren’t the only players under a spotlight this week.
The annual NHL Scouting Combine has been going on all week in Buffalo, and it will wrap up Saturday with 114 of the world’s top draft-eligible prospects expected to gather for a day of fitness testing and other events designed to help teams make their final evaluations.
While portions of the proceedings are open to the media, much of day’s events take place behind closed doors, and would typically remain a mystery to the average fan. Luckily, DGB spies were able to infiltrate this year’s combine and obtain a copy of the top secret itinerary waiting for each of the attending prospects.
We’re publishing it here for the public; read it now before the NHL’s lawyers find out and make us take it down.
9:00 a.m. – Welcome and opening remarks. Commissioner Gary Bettman welcomes the prospects to the day's events, briefly runs through the day's schedule, and asks if anyone has any questions.
9:01 a.m. – A clearly exasperated Bettman explains that no, he still does not have any updates on a timetable for Las Vegas expansion.
9:30 a.m. – Workshop: "So you've been drafted by Edmonton."
In this interactive workshop, prospects will practice hearing their names called by the Oilers until they can ensure that they won't make any facial expressions that the media in every other city will interpret as unhappiness and talk about until the end of time. Special guest appearance by Connor McDavid.
10:00 a.m. – Combine test: Weight-Lifting.
Prospects will demonstrate their ability to lift 150 lbs of barbells with their arms and chest, with the exception of Auston Matthews, who will instead be offered the opportunity to lift 49 years of one city's neurosis onto his back.
10:30 a.m. – Combine test: Wingate Ergometer Test.
In this infamous stationary cycling exercise, prospects will demonstrate their anaerobic fitness levels by pedaling at maximum speed and resistance for as long as possible in an exhausting test of personal endurance. Please note that any prospects who score poorly will immediately be subject to criticism and ridicule from the assembled collection of media members who just got winded lunging for the last cookie in the lunchroom.
11:00 a.m. – Combine test: Standing Long Jump and Vertical Leap.
Prospects will take turns measuring their leaping ability through a variety of events, culminating in an attempt to grab an envelope taped to the ceiling which contains an explanation of why exactly anyone should care about how high or far a hockey player can jump.
>> Read the full post at Sportsnet
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