Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A hockey fan's guide to the Summer Olympics

It was a flame that cost a fortune but didn't do
anything, so the locals called it "Dennis Wideman".

It's been a slow week for hockey news, but that's probably just as well. After all, nobody is paying attention to the NHL these days. That's because the eyes of the world are focused on London, as they play host for the 2012 Summer Olympics.

There's no doubt that millions of hockey fans will be tuning in to get their offseason sports fix. If you're one of them, here's a handy guide to the various similarities and subtle differences between the NHL and the 2012 summer games.

The Olympics: If a seemingly endless stream of teams are emerging one-by-one until over 200 have made an appearance, you are watching the "Parade of Nations" at the Opening Ceremonies.
The NHL: If a seemingly endless stream of teams are emerging one-by-one until over 200 of them have made an appearance, you are listening to Shane Doan's agent list the teams his client is currently negotiating with.

The Olympics: If you see somebody peering intently at a target to see where it was hit, you know that a judge is attempting to determine the winner of one of the shooting competitions.
The NHL: If you see somebody peering intently at a target to see where it was hit, you know that Brendan Shanahan thinks this is an especially important suspension decision and wants to double-check where the dart landed.

The Olympics: South Korean archer Im Dong-Hyun has become the feel-good story of the games by setting a world record despite being legally blind.
The NHL: Nobody who was legally blind has ever set a world record, unless you count "Most times designing the latest New York Islander uniforms".

The Olympics: In an amazing display of the human capacity for synchronization, two athletes from the same team can execute an incredibly intricate dive at the exact same moment.
The NHL: In an amazing display of the human capacity for synchronization, every hockey fan reading that last sentence immediately thought "And here comes the Vancouver Canucks joke…"

The Olympics: NBC has been accused of spoiling their broadcasts by giving away the results of events that haven't aired yet.
The NHL: NBC has been accused of spoiling their broadcasts by giving air time to Mike Milbury.

The Olympics: Organizers are counting on the efforts of thousands of volunteers who, despite being unpaid, have offered to work at the various events out of a sense of personal pride and civic duty.
The NHL: Gary Bettman just had a great idea for his next CBA proposal to Donald Fehr.

The Olympics: The traditional "Torch Relay" saw more than 8,000 people from around the country spend months passing the Olympic flame from person-to-person every few minutes.
The NHL: Have a very similar tradition of their own, except the flame is a handful of dollar bills set on fire and the process is called "being the latest potential owner of the Phoenix Coyotes".

The Olympics: The women's gymnastics competition enforces an age limit banning all competitors who are fourteen years old or younger, since fourteen years is nowhere near enough time to gain the maturity needed for a major international competition.
The NHL: Actually, fourteen years is an eternity, mutters Shea Weber angrily to his agent while informing his post office that it turns out he won't be needing those change-of-address forms after all.

The Olympics: "The World's Fastest Man" is a title bestowed on the winner of the Olympics 100-meter dash.
The NHL: "The World's Fastest Man" is a title bestowed on whichever Blue Jacket has just been traded and is in the process of cleaning out his locker in Columbus.

The Olympics: We are constantly reminded that there is no more pressure-filled situation than having an Olympic competition come down to one single winner-take-all event, in which the eyes of the entire world focus on your every move and even the slightest mistake can make the difference between a crushing defeat and a career-defining gold medal win.
The NHL: Unless of course you're Roberto Luongo, in which case suck it you never-wins-the-big-game choke artist.

The Olympics: If an athlete climbs to the top of a podium that's several feet high, it means you're about to hear their national anthem played while they receive their gold medal.
The NHL: If an athlete climbs to the top of a podium that's several feet high, it means you're about to hear Martin St. Louis give his between periods interview.

The Olympics: After years of competing in bikinis, this year the women's beach volleyball competitors have the option to wear long pants instead.
The NHL: The 1981-82 Philadelphia Flyers have just been informed that they'll have to give back their "Most disastrous decision to wear pants in sports history" trophy.

The Olympics: If you hear somebody enthusiastically shouting that it's time for the boat race, you should ask them to clarify whether they're referring to rowing, sailing or canoeing.
The NHL: If you hear somebody enthusiastically shouting that it's time for the boat race, you should probably remind Patrick Kane that it's not even noon yet.

The Olympics: Many of the participating nations are happy just to be competing, even though it's an established fact that they have no realistic chance of actually emerging victorious.
The NHL: There are seven teams located in Canada.

The Olympics: Many fans complained about the complicated lottery system used to distribute tickets to Olympic events, claiming it was unfair and poorly run.
The NHL: Many hockey fans also complained about the system, claiming it was confusing to see a lottery that didn't end with Bill Daly half-heartedly holding up an Oiler's logo.

The Olympics: Greco-Roman wrestling is one of the most traditional events in all of amateur sports, having been included in the very first Olympic Games in 1896 and in every summer Olympics for over a century.
The NHL: Greco-Roman wrestling is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE, mutters to Tim Thomas while face-mashing fried chicken sandwiches.

The Olympics: It will be a sad moment in mid-August when all the fans realize that it will be years before they'll have the chance to witness this sporting event again.
The NHL: Same.




39 comments:

  1. Haha the diving/canucks joke is so true!

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  2. "There are seven teams located in Canada." that made me lose it

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  3. So good....as a Lightning fan I loved the St Louis joke but there were plenty of other gems as well! Once again great job!

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  4. Thank you DGB. I think I appreciate you more now than during the middle of the season. Live long and prosper.

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  5. Every lockout joke is funny at first until you realize the true implications...

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  6. Picky Picky time:
    Should the boating joke be Evander Kane?

    don't worry about it. I, ust like the playoffs, always pretend the Jets don't exist.

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    1. It wasn't a reference to boating. "Boat race" is a drinking game.

      If it were a joke about boating, it should be a reference to Dustin Byfuglien (who was the Jet convicted of careless boating).

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  7. Love how he manages to take a shot at Thomas' penchant for running his mouth, being fat, and being ignorant in one sentence. Pity he couldn't say anything about being badly outplayed by a 21 year old playoff rookie sensation...but his mouth was full (ha-ha).

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  8. This wins DGB the gold medal for comedic gold

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  9. One of your best in months. Loved the fake-out of the Shanahan joke and the Canucks-diving comment.

    I did, however, miss the joke on the Tim Thomas remark. Anyone care to explain?

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    1. Thomas posted on his facebook page his support of chick-fil-a's homophobic CEO.

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    2. Ah, that explains it. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised...

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  10. Wideman... Just... Wow.....

    Quite a few others that made me wince, but the photo caption is the winner. Yet another solid performance by DGB

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  11. i was gonna declare "7 teams in Canada" winnar until the Tim Thomas joke.

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  12. Pure gold (especially love the Thomas dig).

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  13. Love the Milbury dig!

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  14. Simply hilarious, from caption to the end. Thanks!

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  15. Speaking of legally blind, how about those NHL refs?

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  16. Awesome stuff but a bit disappointed you skipped a Nothing But Crosby jab after Costas brought him up during the Walk of Nations.

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  17. awesome!

    " The NHL: If an athlete climbs to the top of a podium that's several feet high, it means you're about to hear Martin St. Louis give his between periods interview."

    best ever..

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  18. Nice! Very funny and biting quips as usual. I do take exception to the Luongo bashing in this case. I mean, I am ALWAYS up for Luongo bashing, but he DID win a gold medal in 2010 and played quite well. Didn't the gold medal game go to OT? Come on, he's won at least ONE big game.

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    Replies
    1. That was his joke...

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    2. That's what he means. Luongo took over when Brodeur started to fall apart, led Canada back after Ryan Miller was replaced by a brick wall for a game, and got the Gold, yet all anyone remembers is how he "choked" against Boston

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  19. "The NHL: If you hear somebody enthusiastically shouting that it's time for the boat race, you should probably remind Patrick Kane that it's not even noon yet."

    The NHL: If you hear somebody enthusiastically shouting that it's time for the boat race, someone should probably take the keys from Byfuglien again.

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  20. Nicely done. Alot of gems in this one...though the lockout one is depressing.

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  21. I was honestly surprised not to see a Kerry Fraser reference at the blindness joke.

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    1. Same, thought for sure that was coming. Way to mix it up :)

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  22. You made a Vancouver Canucks joke about fans expecting a Vancouver Canucks joke.

    That's meta.

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  23. Boating joke would have been perfect with a Dave Semenko reference, but otherwise great.

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  24. "The Olympics: Many of the participating nations are happy just to be competing, even though it's an established fact that they have no realistic chance of actually emerging victorious.
    The NHL: There are seven teams located in Canada." don't really get this one

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    Replies
    1. Marc Bergevin? Welcome aboard...

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  25. Well DGB well played, you nailed the Canuck joke.

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  26. Awesome. But could someone explain the Flyers' pants to me??

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    1. A type of pant called Cooperalls was seen in a failed experiment in professional hockey by the Philadelphia Flyers in the 1981–82 NHL season and by both the Flyers and Hartford Whalers in the 1982–83 NHL season. The name stems from the manufacturer, Cooper. The Cooperalls were a full-length pair of shell pants that covered protective padding from the waist to the ankles, as opposed to the traditional pant and shin guard combination.

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  27. HA. That Dennis Wideman joke was classic. One of the best i've seen.

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  28. " In an amazing display of the human capacity for synchronization, every hockey fan reading that last sentence immediately thought "And here comes the Vancouver Canucks joke…""

    Spot. On.

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