anything, so the locals called it "Dennis Wideman".
It's been a slow week for hockey news, but that's probably just as well. After all, nobody is paying attention to the NHL these days. That's because the eyes of the world are focused on London, as they play host for the 2012 Summer Olympics.
There's no doubt that millions of hockey fans will be tuning in to get their offseason sports fix. If you're one of them, here's a handy guide to the various similarities and subtle differences between the NHL and the 2012 summer games.
The Olympics: If a seemingly endless stream of teams are emerging one-by-one until over 200 have made an appearance, you are watching the "Parade of Nations" at the Opening Ceremonies.
The NHL: If a seemingly endless stream of teams are emerging one-by-one until over 200 of them have made an appearance, you are listening to Shane Doan's agent list the teams his client is currently negotiating with.
The Olympics: If you see somebody peering intently at a target to see where it was hit, you know that a judge is attempting to determine the winner of one of the shooting competitions.
The NHL: If you see somebody peering intently at a target to see where it was hit, you know that Brendan Shanahan thinks this is an especially important suspension decision and wants to double-check where the dart landed.
The Olympics: South Korean archer Im Dong-Hyun has become the feel-good story of the games by setting a world record despite being legally blind.
The NHL: Nobody who was legally blind has ever set a world record, unless you count "Most times designing the latest New York Islander uniforms".
The Olympics: In an amazing display of the human capacity for synchronization, two athletes from the same team can execute an incredibly intricate dive at the exact same moment.
The NHL: In an amazing display of the human capacity for synchronization, every hockey fan reading that last sentence immediately thought "And here comes the Vancouver Canucks joke…"
The Olympics: NBC has been accused of spoiling their broadcasts by giving away the results of events that haven't aired yet.
The NHL: NBC has been accused of spoiling their broadcasts by giving air time to Mike Milbury.
The Olympics: Organizers are counting on the efforts of thousands of volunteers who, despite being unpaid, have offered to work at the various events out of a sense of personal pride and civic duty.
The NHL: Gary Bettman just had a great idea for his next CBA proposal to Donald Fehr.
The Olympics: The traditional "Torch Relay" saw more than 8,000 people from around the country spend months passing the Olympic flame from person-to-person every few minutes.
The NHL: Have a very similar tradition of their own, except the flame is a handful of dollar bills set on fire and the process is called "being the latest potential owner of the Phoenix Coyotes".
The Olympics: The women's gymnastics competition enforces an age limit banning all competitors who are fourteen years old or younger, since fourteen years is nowhere near enough time to gain the maturity needed for a major international competition.
The NHL: Actually, fourteen years is an eternity, mutters Shea Weber angrily to his agent while informing his post office that it turns out he won't be needing those change-of-address forms after all.
The Olympics: "The World's Fastest Man" is a title bestowed on the winner of the Olympics 100-meter dash.
The NHL: "The World's Fastest Man" is a title bestowed on whichever Blue Jacket has just been traded and is in the process of cleaning out his locker in Columbus.
The Olympics: We are constantly reminded that there is no more pressure-filled situation than having an Olympic competition come down to one single winner-take-all event, in which the eyes of the entire world focus on your every move and even the slightest mistake can make the difference between a crushing defeat and a career-defining gold medal win.
The NHL: Unless of course you're Roberto Luongo, in which case suck it you never-wins-the-big-game choke artist.
The Olympics: If an athlete climbs to the top of a podium that's several feet high, it means you're about to hear their national anthem played while they receive their gold medal.
The NHL: If an athlete climbs to the top of a podium that's several feet high, it means you're about to hear Martin St. Louis give his between periods interview.
The Olympics: After years of competing in bikinis, this year the women's beach volleyball competitors have the option to wear long pants instead.
The NHL: The 1981-82 Philadelphia Flyers have just been informed that they'll have to give back their "Most disastrous decision to wear pants in sports history" trophy.
The Olympics: If you hear somebody enthusiastically shouting that it's time for the boat race, you should ask them to clarify whether they're referring to rowing, sailing or canoeing.
The NHL: If you hear somebody enthusiastically shouting that it's time for the boat race, you should probably remind Patrick Kane that it's not even noon yet.
The Olympics: Many of the participating nations are happy just to be competing, even though it's an established fact that they have no realistic chance of actually emerging victorious.
The NHL: There are seven teams located in Canada.
The Olympics: Many fans complained about the complicated lottery system used to distribute tickets to Olympic events, claiming it was unfair and poorly run.
The NHL: Many hockey fans also complained about the system, claiming it was confusing to see a lottery that didn't end with Bill Daly half-heartedly holding up an Oiler's logo.
The Olympics: Greco-Roman wrestling is one of the most traditional events in all of amateur sports, having been included in the very first Olympic Games in 1896 and in every summer Olympics for over a century.
The NHL: Greco-Roman wrestling is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE, mutters to Tim Thomas while face-mashing fried chicken sandwiches.
The Olympics: It will be a sad moment in mid-August when all the fans realize that it will be years before they'll have the chance to witness this sporting event again.
The NHL: Same.