Inside Gary Bettman's annual Halloween party

Well then next time, tell your friend
not to get lippy with Ben Eager.

Scene: An opulent mansion. The home is decked out with Halloween decorations, and various guests are milling around in costume. The doorbell rings, and is answered by a man dressed as a giant padlock.

Gary Bettman: Come on in!

Bill Daly enters, dressed as a giant crow with an "S" painted on his chest.

Daly: How's the annual Halloween party going, Gary?

Bettman: I'll be honest. I'm picking up on kind of a negative vibe this year.

He looks over to the other side of the room, where Donald Fehr and several players wearing cattle costumes are glaring back at them.

Daly: Understandable. Nice decorations, though.

He motions at a row of tombstones featuring a Thrashers logo, tickets to an Islanders game, the 2004-05 season, and the phrase "actual credibility".

Bettman: Thanks. I just wish Katz would stop trying to sneak an Edmonton Oilers one in there. But the costumes are cool. Ryan Suter went as a spinning weather vane, and the Sedins were great in that two-piece horse costume right up until David Booth showed up and started shooting at them.

Daly: And what about the guy in the straightjacket outside howling at the moon?

Bettman: Oh, that's just a hockey blogger trying to figure out how to put a fresh spin on his 27th consecutive lockout post.

Daly: Poor guy.

Bettman: Yeah. Sad, really.

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Good signs and bad signs in the ongoing CBA talks

After realizing that Fehr's "counter-proposal"
would consist entirely of crotch-chopping,
Gary Bettman gave up and went home.

Last week brought a flurry of CBA news, including an unexpected offer from the owners and several counter-proposals from the players. And while that lead to a brief burst of optimism, the week ended without a deal in place and with the two sides seeming as far apart as ever.

The whole process has felt like one long case of one step forward and two steps back, with every positive sign immediately followed by a negative one. Here's a look back at the ups and down of the current state of negotiations.

Good sign: Two sides have essentially agreed on the definition of hockey-related revenue, with a few exceptions.
Bad sign: One of those exceptions is the service charge on season ticket cancellations, which currently projects to be the league's top revenue source this year.

Good sign: The owners have wisely suggested that the best way to move forward is to ensure that both sides are speaking the same language.
Bad sign: The players still selfishly insist on speaking one of those languages where the phrase "signed contract" has meaning.

Good sign: While the owners were widely criticized for their use of an expensive public relations firm, at least we know that the NHLPA would never waste time on annoyingly transparent PR spin.
Bad sign: We know this because, in an odd coincidence, every player in the league tweeted about it at the exact same time.

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Let's make a deal: A look back at this season's biggest trades

After sending the overpaid underacheiver
to Ottawa, the Coyotes understood what
it felt like to be a Canadian voter

The Phoenix Coyotes finally made the long-awaited Kyle Turris trade over the weekend, dealing the disgruntled center to the Ottawa Senators in exchange for young defenceman David Rundblad and a draft pick.

The trade was a rare early-season blockbuster in a league where most trades seem to happen at the trade deadline or in the offseason. It will also be the last NHL deal for a while, since the league-wide holiday trade freeze went into effect on Monday.

So while NHL general managers step away from the negotiating table for a well-deserved break, let's take a look back at some of the significant trades the league has seen since the end of training camp.

The trade: The Devils send David Steckel to the Leafs for a fourth-round draft pick.
The view from Toronto: Steckel gives the team a faceoff specialist who can take the first draw after a Maple Leaf penalty, which is always in the defensive zone, as well as the second draw after a Maple Leaf penalty, which is always at center ice.
The view from New Jersey: Steckel's main role last year with the Capitals was being the guy who'd go up to Alexander Ovechkin before every game and remind him to occasionally score a goal or two, although I'm sure someone else will remember to do that.
Final verdict: The deal saw the Leafs acquire an above-average fourth line center, which I think we all agree was their only major weakness heading into the season.

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Getting to know the NHL's new coaches

"Coach, if you took every puck Craig Anderson
will stop this season and stacked them on top
of each other, how high would that pile be?"

The 2011-12 season has seen six teams introduce new coaches. And instead of going back to the various familiar faces who were available, this year teams chose to go with relative newcomers. Not one of the new coaches has ever won a playoff game, and five have never been a head coach in the NHL at all.

All of which is to say that hockey fans could be forgiven if they aren't familiar with the league's newest bench bosses. So here's a handy guide to the half dozen men who are making their debut behind a bench this year.

Glen Gulutzan, Dallas Stars

Previous experience: Won the John Brophy Award for his work as coach of the Las Vegas Wranglers in 2006, so presumably rocks a mean fedora.
Early-season adjustment: Was recently able to get the media to finally start questioning him about strategy and roster decisions, instead of spending every press conference repeatedly asking "No, but seriously, who are you?"
Possible cause for concern: Reports of a possible sale of the team to a businessman from Vancouver could lead to the team's budget being slashed, or at least pretending to be slashed in an attempt to draw a penalty.

Kevin Dineen, Florida Panthers

Previous experience: His 20-year NHL playing career included a stint as Flyers captain that was interrupted when he was traded, which is really odd because that never happens says Mike Richards sarcastically.
Early-season adjustment: Has repeatedly had to politely ask Brian Campbell to stop coming back to the bench and saying "Hey, I just made more money on that shift than guys like you did during the entire 1980s!"
Possible cause for concern: Told reporters during training camp that he was looking forward to coaching emerging star David Booth, or the package of excellent young players the team would inevitably get in return if they ever traded him.

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April Fools - NHL style

It's April 1, and here at Down Goes Brown that means two things: the Leafs have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, and it's time for the annual April Fools post.

So just like in 2008 and 2009, let's see if we can come up with some practical jokes and wacky pranks that various NHL personalities could play on each other today.

Marc Savard - Playfully tease Matt Cooke when he asks if you've forgiven him by blinking twice for "no" instead of once for "yes".

Taylor Hall - Call Brian Burke; tell him you just checked the standings and are wondering why no Leafs scouts ever come to your games.

Phoenix Coyotes - Send out season ticket renewal forms with a Winnipeg return address.

Alexander Ovechkin - Scare Ted Leonsis by telling him that you were a regular client of that steroid-dealing chiropractor. Quickly reassure him that in truth you've never even seen a chiropractor, since you've never suffered from any back problems at all unless you want to count all that acne.

2K Sports - Pick some random second-liner from an insignificant team; tell him he's been chosen for the cover of NHL 2K11.

Stephane Auger - Before tonight's game, inform one of the players that you're planning to "get him", when in fact you're really planning to get a completely different player.

Gary Bettman - Make a hilarious announcement that blindside hits will now result in suspensions but not penalties, as if any self-respecting league would ever do such a thing.

Joe Thornton - Completely forget how to be an effective hockey player. (Not actually a prank; more of an annual April tradition.)

Pat Quinn - Tell team that it's really important to give their best effort during their remaining games because they still matter somehow.

Mario Lemieux - Over breakfast, jokingly suggest to Sidney Crosby that maybe it's time for him to move out and get his own place like an actual man would do.

Jonathan Toews - Confuse Blackhawk fans by posing for a massive highway billboard next to a strange trophy none of them have ever seen before.

Florida Panthers - During boring team meeting, throw paper airplane at David Booth that hits him right in the head! Ha, he never even saw -- oh god, I think we killed him.

Shane O'Brien - When the bartender asks if you want to buy another round, humorously reply "No thank you, because I am a professional athlete and I have practice tomorrow".