In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- Dave and I discuss the Marc-Andre Fleury extension
- And also the Connor Hellebuyck extension
- Honestly it's like 90% extensions, nothing else is happening
- Marian Hossa's cap hit goes to Arizona; should we be mad?
- A few words about Ray Emery
- And we spend way too much time trying to cast Ocean's 11 with NHL players
>> Stream it now:
>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.
In the Friday Grab Bag:
- Introducing the Nuclear Option, a new idea to bring hope to the league's worst teams
- Why it was kind of a rough week to be a hockey fan
- An obscure player who frightened small children
- The week's three comedy stars, featuring Halloween fun and the "Good one, Del" girl
- And a Classic YouTube clip of the time the Sabres and Senators turned the goalie sliders all the way down to easy.
With the regular season ending on Sunday and the playoffs starting a week from Wednesday, we’re now just days away from that special time of year when the pressure ramps up, every decision becomes crucial, and the very best of the best find a way to defy the odds and come through when they’re needed most.
I’m referring, of course, to the media handing in our awards ballots.
This year is a particularly tricky one for members of the PHWA, the writers’ association that votes on most of the awards. You’ve got the ongoing Drew Doughty vs. Erik Karlsson debate over the Norris Trophy, one that’s been waging for weeks and by this point would probably need to be settled by pistols at dawn if sportswriters ever woke up that early. There’s an especially deep field of rookies for the Calder. And even the Hart, which once looked like a lock for Patrick Kane, is facing a late charge by Sidney Crosby that could earn him some last-minute ballots.
We don’t know how the voting will turn out, but we do know this: Somebody somewhere is going to hate it, and they’re going to let us know that we’re all idiots. Whether it’s the poor soul who has Doughty third, or leaves Dylan Larkin off a ballot, or wastes a Selke vote on a player who you once saw commit a turnover, we know we’ll hear about it. Worst vote ever, you idiot.
But in the calm before that storm, let’s take a moment to remember that there’s a long history of truly weird awards ballots being cast. We’re not talking about having a guy a spot higher or lower than consensus or honoring a player whose great season ended up being a one-hit wonder – we’re talking truly outside-the-box picks, the kind of votes that cause a record scratch sound effect to play in the background when they’re first read.
So before you go off on some poor, hard-working, slightly overweight, balding, ill-mannered, unwashed [Editor’s note: That’s enough.] sportswriter for a vote you disagree with, remember – the bar has been set pretty high.
Here are five of the stranger votes cast for major NHL awards over the years, and the logic that was likely behind them at the time.
There’s been plenty of debate this year about Connor McDavid’s case for the Calder Trophy. Do you give him your vote, even though he’ll only finish with 45 games played? He’s been great, sure, but doesn’t a major award require a full season’s work? It’s a tough call.
But what if we were talking about the Hart instead of the Calder? And what if the we had a candidate who’d only appeared in a quarter of McDavid’s games, because he didn’t even arrive in the NHL until March?
That’s the situation voters found themselves in when assessing Sean Burke’s 1987-88 season, in which he appeared in just 13 games for the Devils. And at least one voter figured that was enough, as Burke received a third place vote for both the Calder and Hart.
It’s not actually all that crazy when you remember that Devils’ 87-88 season. That was the year the team went on a late-season tear to earn the first playoff berth in franchise history with a dramatic overtime win on the season’s final day. Burke was a big part of that, making his NHL debut on March 2 and going 10-1 during the Devils’ frantic push. If you’re going to lean heavily on the “value” part of “most valuable”, you could make the case for tossing him a vote.
For what it’s worth, 27 years later, Andrew Hammond would get some voter love of his own based on 24 games. What can you say, some guys are just workaholics.
The Montreal Canadiens are off to a great start. They’re the league’s only undefeated team at 7-0-0, just about everyone on the roster is playing well, and they’re on top of any set of power rankings you can find.
But all of that pales in comparison to the undisputed highlight of the season: Carey Price doing this to Chris Kreider.
It’s worth remembering that there’s some history here. Two seasons ago, Kreider ended Price’s season in an ugly collision during the conference final. So was this payback? Price denied it, but nobody believes him. It’s just more fun to assume it was on purpose, because goalies attacking players never fails to be awesome.
So today, we’re going to flip through the pages of history and offer up some advice for those goalies out there who might want to exact a little revenge of their own. We won’t include any goalie-on-goalie violence, partly because it doesn’t fit the theme, and partly because goalie fights deserve a post of their own someday. No, today is about goalies lashing out at everyone else — especially those big shots in their fancy skates and comfortable pads, always scoring goals and sucking up glory and getting hats thrown at them. They could use a stiff trapper upside the head.
And luckily, history has provided us with plenty of examples of just how a jilted goalie could go about it. There are a dozen distinct ways for a goaltender to go on the attack, and we’re going to review them all.
The move: Skate behind your net. Wait for an incoming opponent to try to cut by, knowing he’s not allowed to touch you. Then drop your shoulder into his chest and send him flying.
The master: Carey Price, apparently. Who knew?
Let’s watch it again, this time in GIF form:
Carey Price’s Revenge pic.twitter.com/WOPM5yFA2Y
— Stephanie (@myregularface) October 16, 2015
So good. But you have to wonder: Wherever did an upstanding young Montreal goaltender learn this sort of anti-Ranger behavior? Oh. Oh, right.
Pro tip: The hit itself is nice, but I think we can all agree that it’s the stare-down afterward that really makes it.
The move: It’s one of those unwritten rules of goaltending: If a player collides with you, even accidentally, you’re legally allowed to do pretty much anything you want to them for a period of five seconds.
The master: Literally everyone. I don’t care who the goaltender is — as soon as he’s knocked over, all bets are off. Anytime a player goes hard to the net and you hear a whistle, there’s a good chance the next thing you see will be an enraged goaltender awkwardly crawling on top of him with arms flailing. It appears to be an instinctive territorial thing. If you strapped a set of pads on Mother Teresa and somebody accidentally slid into her and nudged her legs, she’d be all “%&#*@#$% needs to eat some blocker!”
This rule applies outside the crease as well, by the way. I’ve always been partial to Don Beaupre’s swinging backhand.
Pro tip: Don’t feel like you have to aim for the face. Remember, this is a free shot; it’s OK to get creative.
A look at three of the biggest stories from the NHL weekend and how they’ll play into the coming days.
Flyers Hit Rock Bottom; Grab Shovels
The biggest news of the weekend came on Friday night, when the struggling Flyers faced the Capitals. Despite missing the injured Alexander Ovechkin, Washington pumped five second-period goals past Steve Mason and Ray Emery on its way to building an eventual 7-0 lead. That had Philadelphia fans chanting for GM Paul Holmgren’s job, and set the stage for the game to devolve into a third-period gong show.
You’ve no doubt seen the highlights by now; Wayne Simmonds running anyone he could find, the line brawl that followed, and then Emery’s rink-length dash to fight his unwilling counterpart, Braden Holtby. Goalie fights are usually high entertainment, but this one was different. It was a ridiculous mismatch between a player with a long résumé of fighting experience and one who’d never been part of one at the pro level — and, more importantly, one who hadn’t done a thing to provoke it other than play for a vastly better team.
Emery won handily, at one point raining punches on the back of Holtby’s head while he was down — all while referee Francois St. Laurent bizarrely stood by, occasionally waving away any Capitals who looked like they might try to help. In postgame comments, Emery seemed to brag about making sure that Holtby “didn’t really have much of a choice” about the fight. In an additional embarrassment, the Philadelphia media named Emery the game’s third star, presumably for the fight and not his .733 save percentage.
But while the Emery fight got all the attention, it wasn’t the Flyers’ most costly of the evening. They lost Vincent Lecavalier and Steve Downie to injuries sustained in fights — the former to a facial injury that could sideline him for weeks, and the latter to a broken orbital bone that had him reportedly leaving the rink on a stretcher.
If the Flyers organization was bothered by Emery’s antics, it didn’t show it. Instead, it gave him the start Saturday night against the Devils, and was rewarded with a 1-0 win. It was the first shutout of the season for the Flyers, and probably one of the easiest any team will get to enjoy. The Devils couldn’t manage more than six shots in any period and put up just 14 on the night.
It was almost as if the New Jersey players were afraid to get anywhere near Emery. I can’t imagine why.
One last Senators post, before we return to the quality Maple Leafs coverage you've come to expect (i.e. wah wah, the Leafs suck, abandon all hope, etc.)
Despite what you might expect, I'm not here to shovel more spiteful dirt on the Senators' grave. Yes, they've embarrassed themselves again. Yes, it seems like this will finally be the collapse that spells the end of this version of the team. Forgive me, though, if I have a hard time getting too worked up about one team's failure when my own is in shambles.
If anything, I find the Senators meltdown fascinating. Over the past few years, the team was both a bulldozing powerhouse and an ultra-fragile trainwreck-in-waiting -- often both at the same time. While the Maple Leafs were seemingly doomed to years of bitter failure the moment JFJ frowned his way through his first press conference, the Senators recent history has been filled with key moments that could have changed their path.
Here's a look at seven intriguing "What If?" scenarios from recent Senator history. Change the outcomes on a few of these, and where would this team be now?
What if: The Senators land Marion Hossa at the deadline?
Bryan Murray had been harshly critical of John Muckler's inability to land a big name at the deadline. When he took over the GM reigns in 2007/8, he wasn't shy about letting everyone know he was looking to make a major move, and his top target was former-Senator Marion Hossa. As the deadline approached, the Hossa sweepstakes seemed to have come down to the Sens and Habs. But on deadline day, it was the Penguins who snuck in and nabbed him, paying a ransom in the process.
Would the addition of Hossa have prevented the Senators' meltdown? Would he have provided the secondary scoring that Ottawa so desperately needed as the season ticked away? He wouldn't have hurt, although we'll probably never know how high the price tag would have been.
Hossa wound up playing a role in the Pens dismantling of Ottawa, although the series was so lopsided that it's doubtful he would have tipped the balance by switching sides.
What if: Wade Redden waives his no-trade clause?
In the weeks leading up to the deadline, word got out that Murray had approached Redden about waiving his no-trade clause, apparently for a deal to the Sharks. Redden refused, and once the story was leaked (apparently by a Redden family member) the spotlight on the former fan favorite intensified.
The biggest impact of this non-deal may end up being felt in San Jose. Instead of acquiring Redden, the Sharks pulled the trigger on a deal for Brian Campbell. He had an instant impact, and seems like a great fit.
What if: Daniel Alfredsson sees Mark Bell coming?
Bell's blind-side desecration of Alfredsson was a signature moment in a season full of bad memories for Sens fans. The hit knocked Alfredsson out of the first two games of the playoffs, and he was far from healthy when he did take the ice, contributing little.
However, Alfredsson had been playing hurt for most of the season. His back and hip problems were a recurring story, and he rarely seemed to be 100% during the season's second half. There's no doubt he would have had an impact on the Penguins series if he'd been able to play each game, but realistically it's unlikely he would have made a difference in the final outcome.
What if: John Muckler wins the power struggle with Bryan Murray?
Muckler's track record as Ottawa GM was spotty at best. He made the best of a bad situation with the Heatley/Hossa deal, but his free agent signings were iffy and his trade deadline moves were disastrous. But if he had managed to stay on as GM and push Murray out, it's unlikely ha would have picked Paddock as coach. Who would he have chosen, and it would it have mattered? We'll never know.
Remember too that Gerber was a Muckler signing. If he was still running the show, would he have signed Emery to the sort of big money deal Murray was willing to offer? And would he have been as forgiving of Emery's petulance?
What if: Ray Emery never hurts his wrist leading up to the 2007 playoffs?
Emery's sore wrist set off a chain of events that helped derail the 07-08 campaign. While the injury wasn't considered serious, his recovery from off-season surgery caused him to miss the opening of training camp. That gave Martin Gerber a chance to win the starter's job, which in turn started Emery's season-long sulking routine that eventually fractured the dressing room and cost John Paddock his job.
If Emery is healthy at the start of the season, he likely keeps the starter's job to start the season. If that leads to him behaving himself, team chemistry looks a lot different.
What if: Muckler pulls the trigger for Gary Roberts?
Of everything on the list, this is the one that will haunt Sens fans for a long time. At the 2007 deadline, Senators owner Eugene Melnyk apparently instructed Muckler to get Roberts. But Muckler felt that Jacques Martin's asking price (believed to be Patrick Eaves) was too high, and Roberts went to the Penguins instead.
(Later, we heard rumors that Martin was just toying with the Senators and had no intention of trading Roberts to the team that fired him. It's a nice story and it gets Muckler off the hook, but its never been confirmed by anyone in the know. Would Martin really have taken a substandard offer just to annoy Muckler? Doubtful.)
Roberts didn't have much impact in the 2007 Sens/Pens matchup, and aside from game one he didn't do much in the 2008 series either. He was injured for most of the past season and didn't exactly light up the scoreboard when he did play.
But many observers argue that the Senators have never had a heart-and-soul veteran like Roberts. If Roberts had become a Senator in 2007, would he have been able to prevent the dressing room problems of this year? Could he have helped mould Spezza and Heatley into playoff performers, instead of regular season warriors?
What if: They kept Chara instead of Redden?
Despite a half-hearted effort to keep the big Slovak, the Senators clearly felt that they had to choose between their two all-star defencemen at the end of the 2006 season. They chose Redden, largely based on performance but at least partly based on his popularity in the community. Since then, Redden's game has steadily deteriorated to the point that Sens fans aren't shedding any tears over his imminent departure.
Chara received a huge payday and had an uneven first season in Boston, but has been excellent this year. Even factoring in salaries, there seems to be little argument over who's the better defenceman right now. With Redden about to walk away for nothing, it's hard to view this decision as anything but a disaster.
What if: Dominik Hasek doesn't go to the Olympics?
Hasek's 2005-6 campaign in Ottawa has been largely forgotten. That year's Senators were a regular season powerhouse, but their playoff run ended quickly at the hands of the Sabres. Hasek watched from sidelines, thanks to an abductor injury suffered in Turin.
If Hasek never gets hurts, do the Senators beat Buffalo in 2006? Not necessarily, although Ray Emery's meltdown in game one of that series seemed to be the turning point.
But beyond that, a healthy Hasek likely would have earned at least one more season in Ottawa rather than being cut loose and heading to Detroit. It's not hard to imagine that he could still be the Sens' goalie today.
With Hasek in place, the Senators don't need to hand Martin Gerber a big free agent deal. What's more, Emery probably never gets his shot at the starter's job, the big contract and everything that came with that.
Do the Sens still go the Finals last year with Hasek in net instead of Emery? Do they win? How different does the team look this year with a Hasek/Brian Elliot goalie tandem instead of Gerber/Emery?
I'd love to hear your thoughts -- especially from all my new Senator fan friends who enjoyed my Sens Traditions article so much.
Today is April Fools day. We know hockey players love a good laugh, so in the spirit of the occasion I've prepared some suggested practical jokes that various Leafs and other NHLers can play today. No need to thank me, boys, it's my gift to you.
Kyle Wellwood - Between periods, don Timbits jersey and sneak into intermission youth hockey game. Attempt to throw first bodycheck of career. Fail.
Sean Avery - Just for today, use funny smiley faces instead of zeroes on all personal cheques written to prostitutes.
Ray Emery - Perform entire post-game interview with powdered donut on upper lip. Keep asking increasingly uncomfortable Ottawa media what they're looking at.
Mats Sundin - Call Cliff Fletcher. Explain that, on second thought, you will accept a trade if it's not too late. Hang up. Giggle.
Phoenix Coyotes - Repeatedly ask assistant coach Rick Tocchet how his March Madness bracket is looking.
Pierre McGuire - Spend day making and distributing photocopies of "McGuire's Monster".
Paul Maurice - Tell Andrew Raycroft he gets to play tonight. Watch how excited he gets. Look, he's even putting on his equipment and everything!
Alexander Ovechkin - On first shift of the game, intentionally hit both posts to give goalie fleeting sense of hope before immediately scoring on rebound.
Jeremy Roenick - Nothing. His focus is on winning, not cheap antics that serve no purpose other than calling attention to himself.
Peter Forsberg - Play hilarious joke on referee by falling down immediately every time you're touched.
Brian Campbell - When asked if you prefer living in San Jose to Buffalo, pretend to have to think about it for a few seconds.
Carlo Colaiacovo - When asked "How are you?", reply "Fine".
Dominek Hasek - Spend entire day speaking weird moon-man language that nobody can understand.
George Parros - Wear ridiculous novelty moustache over top of ridiculous real moustache.
Edmonton Oilers - Print playoff tickets.
Oli Jokinnen - Leave note in Richard Zednik's locker reading "Next time, I finish the job".
Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley - Play hard on opening shift tonight. Go into corners. Fight through traffic. Earn paychecks. Get back to bench, turn to fans, and say "no, just kidding".
Bryan McCabe - Briefly defy direct order from wife. Immediately apologize and assure her it will not happen again.
By now you've seen the bizarre footage of Patrick Roy's son "fighting" an opponent over the weekend. Jonathan Roy has been suspended seven games for his actions during the brawl, which saw him charge the length of the ice to decimate opposing goaltender Bobby Nadeau, who clearly wanted no part of the scrap.
Now clearly there is a time and place for walking away from a fight. In fact, it's generally a very good idea, especially if you have reason to believe you're going to lose. But even from a pacifist's point of view, Nadeau's performance was pathetic -- he made virtually no effort to defend himself, and wound up curled on the ice like a wounded puppy.
What's a self-respecting man supposed to do in this situation? It's hard to say. So as a public service, I've gone over various scenarios to come up with a list of possible responses. In order, from best-case to worst, here's a list of nine options to consider if you ever find yourself in Nadeau's position .
Best case scenario: Clearly communicate that you are a pacifist and would prefer a non-violent solution. If forced to fight, beat opponent to bloody pulp. Calmly leave like it was no big deal.
Examples: Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall. Youngblood vs. Racki. Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura. Mr. Miyagi vs. the guys dressed up as skeletons
If you can't do that, then: Accept invitation to fight despite overwhelming odds. Fight valiantly, eventually losing but sending the clear message that you won't be intimidated, thus winning a moral victory.
Examples: Spartans vs. Persians. Martin Biron vs. Ray Emery. Craig Coxe vs. Bob Probert. Zack Morris vs. A.C. Slater.
If you can't do that, then: Throw early sucker punch. Assume fighting stance a few feet from opponent. If opponent attempts to advance, slowly back away. Wave away anyone who tries to intervene. Continue backing away while looking like you really want to fight. Hope opponent will die of old age and/or Dave Manson will eventually save you.
Examples: Denis Savard vs. Gary Leeman. Every NBA fight ever.
If you can't do that, then: Try to look as tough as possible immediately before the fight. Once fight begins, throw a few punches early. Realize you are going to die. Make peace with your god.
Examples: Pretty much everyone who ever tried to fight Wendel Clark.
If you can't do that, then: Stand frozen like a deer caught in headlights. Once touched, immediately curl up into a ball on the floor. Make no attempt to fight back. Whimper girlishly. Watch highlights of self on youtube for rest of eternity.
Example: Bobby Nadeau vs. Jonathan Roy. Chris Neil vs. Chris Dingman. Me, if anyone I make fun of on this blog ever confronts me about it.
If you can't do that, then: Relax all muscles. Go completely limp. Cling to larger opponent. Cry loudly. Poop a little bit.
Examples: Roy vs. Montecore. Bryan McCabe vs. Zdeno Chara. My one-year-old daughter vs. the word "no".
If you can't do that, then: Run screaming to nearest exit. If no exit found, just flee in circles in hopes opponent will lose interest. Flail hands above head (optional).
Examples: The Owen Sound Platters vs. Jeff Kugel. Kazuhiko Daimon vs. Rod Allen.
If you can't do that, then: Defecate on ice. Fling poo at enemies to keep them away from you.
Examples: The monkey from Most Valuable Primate (director's cut edition only). Most Sean Avery fights.
If you can't do that, then: Stand still. Slump shoulders. Begin to cry.
Example: Oliver McCall vs. Lennox Lewis. Me vs. realization I am a Leafs fan.
I think that covers it. Did I miss any?
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The Athletic Hockey Show runs four days a week during the season, and will feature me with Other Sean Gentille on Wednesdays.
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"Biscuits" was the Vice Sports hockey podcast, hosted by DGB and Dave Lozo. It ran for two seasons; the final episode was in July, 2018. You can find the archives below:
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