Podcast: Fixing the DoPS

In this week's episode of Biscuits, the Vice Sports hockey podcast:
- A look at a bus week of suspensions
- Fallout from the Wings/Flames fight
- Remembering back to what old school hockey brawls were like
- Dave and I fix the DoPS
- How worried should the Habs be?
- A fun hypothetical about Carey Price's contract
- And lots more...

>> Stream it now on Vice Sports

>> Or, subscribe on iTunes.

Countdown to drop dead - A look ahead to a month of CBA talks

Seriously, who still leaves voicemail?

There's no denying that last week's dramatic breakdown in negotiations between the NHL and NHLPA was bad news for hockey fans holding out hope for a partial season. After a bizarre Thursday session that left Don Fehr shaking his head and Gary Bettman shaking in anger, it feels like we're closer than ever to writing off the 2012-13 season completely.

But despite all the doom and gloom, observers kept reminding us of one positive: there's still time. While we don't know when the season would be cancelled, most experts agree we should have another four weeks or so before doomsday.

Will that be enough time? Nobody knows. Here's a look at how those next few weeks might play out.

December 14 - Gary Bettman makes a proposal to the NHLPA that he swears is the league's best and final offer, and everyone believes him because he'd certainly never lie about something like that.

December 17 - The two sides find common ground for the first time in months when everyone in the room is able to agree that Steve Fehr's sweaters are starting to get ridiculous.

December 20 - Your children are disappointed to find out that the man with the long straggly beard and the big jiggly belly sitting by himself at the mall is actually just a locked out NHL player who didn't bother to find a job in Europe.

December 24 - The Grinch Who Stole Christmas is fired from his job at Proskauer Rose for not making enough people miserable.

Read the rest of this post...

April Fools - NHL style

Today is April Fools day. We know hockey players love a good laugh, so in the spirit of the occasion I've prepared some suggested practical jokes that various Leafs and other NHLers can play today. No need to thank me, boys, it's my gift to you.

Kyle Wellwood - Between periods, don Timbits jersey and sneak into intermission youth hockey game. Attempt to throw first bodycheck of career. Fail.

Sean Avery - Just for today, use funny smiley faces instead of zeroes on all personal cheques written to prostitutes.

Ray Emery - Perform entire post-game interview with powdered donut on upper lip. Keep asking increasingly uncomfortable Ottawa media what they're looking at.

Mats Sundin - Call Cliff Fletcher. Explain that, on second thought, you will accept a trade if it's not too late. Hang up. Giggle.

Phoenix Coyotes - Repeatedly ask assistant coach Rick Tocchet how his March Madness bracket is looking.

Pierre McGuire - Spend day making and distributing photocopies of "McGuire's Monster".

Paul Maurice - Tell Andrew Raycroft he gets to play tonight. Watch how excited he gets. Look, he's even putting on his equipment and everything!

Alexander Ovechkin - On first shift of the game, intentionally hit both posts to give goalie fleeting sense of hope before immediately scoring on rebound.

Jeremy Roenick - Nothing. His focus is on winning, not cheap antics that serve no purpose other than calling attention to himself.

Peter Forsberg - Play hilarious joke on referee by falling down immediately every time you're touched.

Brian Campbell - When asked if you prefer living in San Jose to Buffalo, pretend to have to think about it for a few seconds.

Carlo Colaiacovo - When asked "How are you?", reply "Fine".

Dominek Hasek - Spend entire day speaking weird moon-man language that nobody can understand.

George Parros - Wear ridiculous novelty moustache over top of ridiculous real moustache.

Edmonton Oilers - Print playoff tickets.

Oli Jokinnen - Leave note in Richard Zednik's locker reading "Next time, I finish the job".

Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley - Play hard on opening shift tonight. Go into corners. Fight through traffic. Earn paychecks. Get back to bench, turn to fans, and say "no, just kidding".

Bryan McCabe - Briefly defy direct order from wife. Immediately apologize and assure her it will not happen again.