Monday, September 28, 2009

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Pacific Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Pacific Division.

San Jose Sharks

The good: Finally addressed that longstanding "locker room cancer" void.
The bad: Attempted to address a history of playoff failure by acquiring an Ottawa Senator. Let that sink in for a minute.
Biggest question mark: Will it be an upper body or a lower body injury that Dany Heatley fakes to get out of the first game in Edmonton?
Fearless forecast: The Sharks record 145 regular season points, then manage to lose their first round playoff series in three games.


Anaheim Ducks

The good: Feature starting goaltender Jonas Hiller, whose outstanding play in the post-season showed that he is without question the second best European free agent goalie named "Jonas" that Brian Burke has ever signed.
The bad: Ex-Hab Saku Koivu may have a difficult time adjusting to the lack of pompous ceremonial wankfests at the start of every single game.
Biggest question mark: Ryan Getzlaf is going to get it over with and shave his head, isn't he? He knows we can see him, right?
Fearless forecast: As per league rules, will at some point trade Joffrey Lupul for Chris Pronger.


Dallas Stars

The good: This.
The bad: Every one of those girls probably has Sean Avery cooties.
Biggest question mark: When Joe Nieuwendyk was reading Marc Crawford's resume, did the page listing everything from 1998-2009 fall out?
Fearless forecast: The team is much-improved thanks to the unveiling of a clever new trick play known as "Marty Turco actually make a save".


Los Angeles Kings

The good: Drafted Brayden "Owen" Schenn, who will inspire teammates with stories of how awesome his big brother is.
The bad: Front office made Brian Burke angry, and as such will probably all be dead by November.
Biggest question mark: Most terrifying Hunter for a Los Angeles King to run into in a dark alley: Tim, Dale, or Rachel?
Fearless forecast: The young team will no doubt benefit from the leadership of Ryan Smyth, who has been a winner everywhere he's ever played with the exception of Colorado, Long Island, and every year in Edmonton except one.


Phoenix Coyotes

The good: Thanks to an aggressive marketing push, experts are now predicting higher-than-expected ticket sales in the 14,000 to 16,000 range.
The bad: That's not an average.
Biggest question mark: Will the team still be able to travel to road games with Wayne Gretzky stuck under the team bus?
Fearless forecast: Calls for "The Whiteout" will once again be heard in April, as employees look for corrective fluid to remove the word "Phoenix" from their business cards.




16 comments:

  1. Your going to have to update the preview already...The Kings sent Ow...Brayden back to the Wheat Kings.

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  2. Christ. After watching that video, I'm off to buy my Dallas Stars jersey.

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  3. Yeah, but every one of those girls look like they could have been an extra in "Youngblood". That may or may not be a bad thing.

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  4. That is quite possibly the only American marketing idea for hockey in existence I'd be in favor of for the Leafs.
    eyebeleaf-
    Make sure you stain-proof it.

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  5. Love the "Owen" nickname for the lesser Schenn.

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  6. I cannot believe you left out Ryan Smyth's extensive leadship abilities as demonstrated at the World Championships every year... you know, because his teams always miss the playoffs or exit quickly.

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  7. Oh, and one day Brayden will kick Luke's leg out from under his leg... and then he will have all the blood punched out of him.

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  8. Gahh I read the synopsis of the video on Puck Daddy, but my employer blocked the video.

    WEAK

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  9. The Kings will also lead the NHL in Ecklund-generated trade rumors involving the Blackhawks.

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  10. What's with the Owen nick for Brayden?

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  11. So how much would a plane ticket and front row seats for a Stars game cost me?

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  12. @sparrow13...

    Still less than nosebleeds for a Leaf game at the ACC.

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  13. did anyone click the link to the hooters rodeo beer trick after watching the ice girls video? haha... pretty impressive...

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  14. @Lee:

    Refers to Owen Hart, the younger-but-still-awesome brother of Bret Hart (represented by OLAS).

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  15. Loved the Owen (RIP) reference.

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  16. Oh? I assumed it meant Owen, the lesser Wilson brother (whose more talented sibling is named Luke).

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