Minnesota Wild GM interview: The full transcript

Dear Minnesota: You are screwed.

Sportsnet.ca is reporting today that Pat Quinn, John Ferguson Jr. and Pierre McGuire are all candidates for the vacant Minnesota Wild GM job. But while Sportsnet gets credit for a scoop on the initial story, they left out some important details.

DGB sources have informed me that not only have the three candidates already been interviewed, but that in order to speed up the process all three were interviewed at the same time.

And believe it or not, I've managed to obtain a full transcript of the interview:

Minnesota Wild Owner Craig Leipold: Gentlemen, I want to thank you all for agreeing to meet with me on such short notice. I know this interview format is a little unusual, but we're really eager to choose a candidate and move forward.

Pat Quinn: No problem, let's do this.

John Ferguson Jr: Greg, I just want to say that it's really great to be here in Milwaukee.

Pierre McGuire: I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET STARTED!

Leipold: Pierre, why are you yelling?

McGuire: I'M NOT! THIS IS MY NORMAL TONE OF VOICE!

Leipold: Could you be a little quieter?

McGuire: NO SIR I CAN NOT!

Leipold: What if you tried whispering?

McGuire: LIKE THIS?

Leipold: No, like whispering as quietly as you could. Like a baby mouse telling a secret in a church.

McGuire: You mean like this!!!

Leipold: Good enough. Let's start with some questions. Mr. Quinn, what makes you the best candidate for this position?

Quinn: I've been a winner pretty much everywhere I've ever been. In my last job as a general manager I built a team that consistently put up 100 point season, went deep into the playoffs, and was stocked top-to-bottom with all-stars and future hall-of-famers.

Leipold: Impressive. What happened next?

Quinn: Great question. Why don't you ask numb-nuts over here?

Ferguson: Hey!

Leipold: We'll get to him in a minute. But first, Mr. Quinn, if you were hired, what's the first thing you would do?

Quinn: Do you have any prospects or draft picks?

Leipold: Oh yes, we have one of the best farm systems in the league.

Quinn: Yeah, don't worry, I'd fix that problem for you pretty quick.

Leipold: It's not a "problem", it's actually... Mr. Quinn, would you please put that cigar out?

Quinn: Make me.

Leipold: I think it's bothering the other candidates.

Quinn (blowing smoke rings in Ferguson's face): You don't say.

(A loud clang as something heavy and metallic drops onto the Leipold's desk.)

McGuire: Hey look, one of us seems to have dropped a Stanley Cup ring on the desk!!! I wonder who that could have been!!!

Quinn: (Icy silence.)

McGuire: Oh right, it must be mine since I'm the only one who has one!!! Sorry about that!!! Carry on!!!

Leipold: Mr. Ferguson, what about you? If you were hired, what's the first thing you would do?

Ferguson: Trade for a goaltender.

Leipold: Um... we already have Nik Backstrom, one of the best goalies in the league. Why on earth would you want to trade for another one?

(Awkward pause.)

Ferguson: It's all I know how to do.

Secretary (buzzing in on phone): Excuse me, Mr. Leipold?

Leipold: Hold on a second... yes?

Secretary: There are 25 NHL general managers on the phone, wanting to talk to Mr. Ferguson.

Leipold: Tell them he hasn't been hired yet.

Secretary: Will do.

Leipold: Does anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share about the other candidates?

Ferguson: I'd just like to point out that there's about a 50% chance that Pat Quinn will die of a heart attack in the next few years.

Leipold: Mr. Quinn, your response?

Quinn: I'd like to point out that there's about a 90% chance this little bastard is going to die in the elevator immediately after this interview ends.

Leipold: Pierre?

McGuire: I tell you Craig, it is getting really heated down here!!! This thing is going to explode!!! And even though I am obviously incredibly excited about the potential for violence, I will annoy everyone by acting outraged when it actually happens!!!

Leipold: Thanks Pierre.

Ferguson: I'd like to mention that while Pierre McGuire has extensive experience as a coach and a broadcaster, he has never been an NHL general manager. And hiring a general manager without NHL experience is very risky.

Leipold: Good point.

Ferguson: Because they will run your franchise into the ground.

Leipold: Got it.

Ferguson: Completely. It will take years to dig out from the wreckage.

Leipold: Pierre, your response to that?

McGuire: I may not have experience as a general manager, but I have spent the past several years working very closely with a former GM!!!

Leipold: You don't mean...

McGuire: Mike Milbury!!!

Leipold: (Horrified silence.)

McGuire: He taught me everything he knows!!!

Leipold: Pierre, can I talk to you outside for a moment?

McGuire: Sure!!!

(Leipold and McGuire stand up and walk to the door. Leipold opens the door, motions for McGuire to walk through, then immediately slams it shut and locks the deadbolt.)

McGuire (pounding on locked door): HEY!!!

Leipold (returning to his seat): So we're down to two. Pat and John, I want to ask you... um, why is John sprawled out on the floor?

Quinn: He said he needed a little nap.

Leipold: Really? Because it looks like somebody knocked him out.

Quinn (shrugs): Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that.

Leipold: And also somebody extinguished a cigar in his ear.

Quinn: Are we done here?

Leipold: I think so. Thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.

Quinn: I didn't get the job, did I?

Leipold: We'll be in touch.

Quinn: Blow it out your ass, college boy.

Leipold: That didn't even make sense.

Quinn: (Storms out.)

Leipold: Sigh. (Buzzes intercom on phone.)

Secretary: Yes sir?

Leipold: That didn't go so well. Time for Plan B.

Secretary: Not...

Leipold: That's right. Get me Gord Stellick.

Round two scouting reports

A few days ago, we took a look at the NHL's 22 losers that are sitting at home. Now let's turn our attention to the teams that are still alive, with a round two scouting report.

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Washington Capitals

Strengths:

• Are wisely keeping starting goaltender Jose Theodore extremely well-rested.
  
• Have so much depth that they were somehow able to win a game seven despite absence of Donald Brashear
  
• Intimidating fans are known to loudly questions opposing players' sexuality, which is pretty rich coming from guys who chant "We Want Semin".

Weakness:

• Star player Alexander Ovechkin often spends as much as four of five minutes every period just sitting on bench, doing nothing.

How to beat them:

• Let Ovechkin get a few goals early; hope he tires himself out celebrating.

-- vs. --

Pittsburgh Penguins

Strengths:

• Feature a roster full of excellent young players due to strong scouting, patient coaching, and drafting first overall ten years in a row.
  
• Have drawn inspiration from undisputed locker room leader, the mummified corpse of Gary Roberts.
  
• In the long history of talented players to come out of Russia, Evgeni Malkin will quite possibly go down as the second best one to ever play in this series.

Weakness:

• Extra slippery ice at Mellon Arena sometimes causes team's star players to fall down for no reason at all.

How to beat them:

• Don't punch the crap out of Maxime Talbot, apparently.

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Carolina Hurricanes

Strengths:

• Coach Paul Maurice has referred to leadership core as "easily the most dedicated group of players I've seen in, oh, three years".
  
• Enjoy unrivaled home ice advantage thanks to savvy fans who save up energy by only remembering that hockey exists once the playoffs start.
  
• Is probably not mathematically impossible for them to win the Cup this year.

Weakness:

• Are still, when you get right down to it, the Hartford Whalers.

How to beat them:

• Employ a goalie who is not so fat that he gets winded at the very end of every close game.

-- vs. --

Boston Bruins

Strengths:

• In recent big games, have been pretty good at remembering how many players you're allowed to have on the ice.
  
• Zdeno Chara able to calmly clear puck from goalmouth scrambles without leaving bench.
  
• Will be feeding off the energy of an entire state full of douchey, bandwagon-jumping sports fans who haven't had a championship to celebrate in like ten whole months

Weakness:

• May be rusty coming off of first-round bye.

How to beat them:

• Remind Tim Thomas that he is, in fact, Tim Thomas.

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Anaheim Ducks

Strengths:

• Roster was largely assembled by Brian Burke, who is unanimously considered the smartest man alive.
  
• Disorient opponents by annoyingly playing all their home games way later than everyone else.
  
• Virtually every player on roster is an experienced fighter not intimidated by violence, which will come in handy if team bus breaks down on way to arena in Detroit

Weakness:

• It's possible that Ryan Getzlaf may have got some choking loser germs on him while fighting Joe Thornton.

How to beat them:

• Somehow trick them into thinking it's the regular season.
  

-- vs. --

Detroit Red Wings

Strengths:

• Are known for superior conditioning, which will allow players to recover more quickly from Chris Pronger cheapshots.
  
• Are so solid defensively that even terrible goaltender Chris Osgood can win multiple championships for them.
  
• In a pinch, some guy they drafted 200th overall last year will just emerge as a future hall-of-famer.

Weakness:

• Might be getting bored of winning the Stanley Cup by now.

How to beat them:

• Get to overtime of game seven. Let tiny Russian man-child do the rest.
  

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Chicago Blackhawks

Strengths:

• Winning percentage is significantly higher indoors than out.
  
• Martin Havlat has bought into team's disciplined approach so much that he hardly ever kicks anyone in the groin any more.
  
• Somehow managed to turn an old man dying of cancer into a feel-good story.

Weakness:

• Winning game one of the Flames series 12 seconds into sudden death was a foolish waste of an opportunity to amass valuable overtime experience.

How to beat them:

• Hold all games in a nightclub that checks ID, thus eliminating most of the Hawks best players.
  

-- vs. --

Vancouver Canucks

Strengths:

• Have this guy named Sedin who is so lightning quick that he often sets himself up for one-timers.
  
• Own an excellent record when scoring first, largely because their goalie gets a shutout every game.
  
• Are lead by veteran Mats Sundin, for whom "winning a Stanley Cup" is unquestionably a top ten non-poker-related personal goal.

Weakness:

• Players run slightly higher than average risk of contracting lice due to habit of pulling opponent's hair when getting ass kicked in fight.

How to beat them:

• Hope that Roberto Luongo's wife has a baby three or four times during the series.

What went wrong? Excuses from the NHL's losers

Almost seven full months after the start of the regular season, we are down to eight. Eight teams with a shot at the greatest trophy in all of sports. Eight teams, each well and truly worthy of being celebrated.

But of course, that's not how things work around here. Because there are also eight teams that have just been sent home, not to mention 14 more that didn't even make the playoffs. That makes 22 teams that didn't manage to win so much as one single round.

In other words, 22 losers.

What happened? What went wrong? I decided to find out. So I used my connections to reach out to each team, and asked them to provide an official excuse for their failure. Here's what they told me:


Phoenix Coyotes - Wayne Gretzky's entire coaching style involves playing a video of himself from 1983, pointing at screen, and yelling "do that!"

Tampa Bay Lightning - Everyone always told us to always ask selves "What Would Gary Roberts Do?", so we quit mid-way through the season.

St. Louis Blues - Could not realistically have been expected to overcome crushing mid-season loss of Lee Stempniak.

Florida Panthers - Heard rumors that Florida fans react to playoff success by pelting players with rodent carcasses.

Calgary Flames - Despite tireless efforts to prepare for opponents, were caught off-guard by Blackhawks' never-before-seen trick play called "Martin Havlat actually does something in the playoffs".

New York Islanders - Gosh, hard to say. Suppose it could have had something to do with not having any NHL-caliebe players on the roster.

Ottawa Senators - Gave up after captain Daniel Alfredsson privately guaranteed team would miss playoffs, because man, that guy is never wrong.

Atlanta Thrashers - Like everyone else in the hockey world, completely forgot we existed.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Are a young team that is still learning how to win in the playoffs. For example, this year we learned that it's a really bad idea to play the Detroit Red Wings.

Nashville Predators - Were distracted by concerns that team could be bought by somebody deemed unacceptable by Gary Bettman, such as a person with actual money and no criminal record.

Buffalo Sabres - Not sure where it came from, but this new Dominic Moore guy has an overpowering case of the loser cooties.

Los Angeles Kings - Were confused by NHL's increasingly strict interpretation of rulebook. For example, did you know that in really important games referees can now call a penalty when you hit somebody in the face with your stick?

Dallas Stars - Must have been some sort of conspiracy between Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

San Jose Sharks - Instead of rousing pre-game speech or quiet moment of reflection on task at hand, franchise player Joe Thornton uses final moments before every playoff game to run around locker room shrieking "I have the nervous poos!"

New York Rangers - After game four, realized that choking horrifically would be the only way to get media to stop talking about Sean Avery for three minutes.

New Jersey Devils - Should probably have reconsidered team's inspirational playoff slogan of "59 minutes? Sure, close enough!"

Edmonton Oilers - If his text messages aren't returned promptly, owner Daryl Katz will crush a player's morale by de-friending them on Facebook.

Minnesota Wild - Heart-pounding tempo of Jacques Lemaire's quick strike offensive game plan impossible to sustain over full season.

Colorado Avalanche - Employ Andrew Raycroft.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Sorry, couldn't hear your question. The acoustics are bad in this giant vault full of sweet, sweet money.

Philadelphia Flyers - Referees killed us. Which, I suppose, makes us even.

Montreal Canadiens - Many players suffered from chronic back problems and strained groins due to franchise spending entire season trying to blow itself.

Second Toronto team bid is being lead by... Kevin Maguire?

The big news in Toronto this week was the ongoing efforts of a mysterious group to place a second team in Toronto. The group had apparently met with the NHL's Bill Daly to discuss their proposal, but until today we didn't know who they were.

Well, now we do. Or at least, we know the group's front man: it's former Toronto Maple Leaf Kevin Maguire.

Wait, Kevin Maguire?

Kevin Maguire?

The guy that topped the DGB list of the worst Leafs enforcers of all time? That guy?

Apparently so.

Now look, I find the idea of a second Toronto team kind of intriguing. And that's especially true if the team wound up in Vaughan, since that's about as close as we'll ever come to my childhood dream of my hometown of Thornhill getting a team. (Proposal: get Charles Wang to move there, and bring back the Thornhill Islanders name.)

But really... Kevin Maguire?

I'm sure Maguire is a nice guy, and I don't have any reason to think that he hasn't become an excellent businessman in his post-playing career. There's no doubt that he has plenty of connections, and in his limited public comment on the situation he's never sounded anything other than completely reasonable.

But at the end of the day, he's still the guy who once did this:

As I wrote back in November:

It's never a good idea to fight Wendel Clark, but at least guys who played for other teams had some sort of obligation to try. There was something vaguely admirable about seeing another team's enforcer challenge Clark, willing to take one for the team even though he knew he was about to die.

But when Clark is your teammate, and you still try to fight him... you, sir, are the dumbest man in the history of time.

We later learned the backstory to the fight, including the fact that after they were done putting Maguire's face back together he actually came back to try to fight Clark again, which really can't be called anything other than a suicide attempt. And also, he got taken down by Russ Courtnall.

I'm sorry, I can no longer take this second team bid seriously. It's being front by a man who once thought it was a good idea to fight Wendel Clark when they were on the same team. His judgment simply can not be trusted.

Then again, we all knew MLSE was going to crush this bid under the mighty corporate boot. So if you're going to try to start a fight that you know you're going to lose, I guess Kevin Maguire is your guy.

Fun with Google's new "Similar Images" feature

The big news in the web marketing world this week has been Google unveiling a cool new feature: Google Similar Images. This new tool allows you to find an image that interests you, and then search for other images that are similar.

Here's an example. The image on the left is a shot of a Leafs goal that I found, and the image on the right is one that Google says is similar.

Not bad, eh? At first I assumed that Google was just relying on the image name and surrounding content, and maybe cross-referencing with some basic image attributes like orientation and maybe dominant color.

Boy, was I wrong. After all, this is Google we're talking about. They're probably the smartest people in the world. And this new image similarity search is scary good.

Don't believe me? I spent some time randomly searching for hockey teams and players. Check out some of the "similar" images Google came up with.

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