Handicapping the NHL awards race

This year's Hart favourite
and/or last year's winner.

With the season winding down, it's a good time to look ahead to award season. Which players will be collecting hardware when the league hands out its traditional trophies for regular season excellence?

Here's a look at the current favourites for the major awards.

***

Hart Trophy
Awarded to the same player who wins the Art Ross trophy for leading the league in scoring, but that won't stop us all from arguing about it for two months.

Daniel Sedin - Would win the award for the second straight year, insists the old guy who takes the photos of the winners standing next to the trophy.

Steven Stamkos - Scores most of his goals on identical one-timers from the exact same spot, which is what happens when kids who grew up playing the EA Sports NHL video game series start entering league.

Corey Perry - This underrated player would be one of the league's biggest stars if he played in a market like New York or Toronto according to the west coast hockey media, we think, although to be honest we pretty much tuned them out as soon as they started talking.

***

Vezina Trophy
Awarded for excellence in goaltending, as voted on by the same general mangers who give multimillion dollar contracts to guys like Michael Leighton and Nikolai Khabibulin.

Carey Price - Is going to have been totally robbed if he doesn't win, according to thousands of Montreal 911 callers.

Pekka Rinne - When you see the sort of numbers he's putting up, you can't help but make a mental note to yourself to look up which team it is that he plays for.

Tim Thomas - Has a fantastic goals against average thanks to not actually facing a shot on net ever since Zdeno Chara started standing at the blue line during pregame warm ups, pointing to the stanchion and cracking his knuckles.

***

Jack Adams Award
Awarded to the coach of the team that most outperformed the preseason media consensus, since how else could media predictions ever turn out wrong?

Dan Bylsma - The popular wacky neighbour character from HBO's 24/7 series has now been spun off into his very own show.

Guy Boucher - Rookie head coach quickly figured out which skills would be most important behind the Lightning bench; namely, making annoyed eye contact with the backup goalie.

Jacques Lemaire - Would be an unlikely choice, given that the team barely listened to a word he said until December.

***

Calder Trophy
Awarded to that really good rookie who your team totally would have drafted if they had only listened to you.

Jeff Skinner - It would be fun to see him sprint to the stage in Vegas to accept the award while a group of security guards chased after him yelling about how preteens aren't allowed on casino grounds.

Corey Crawford - Managed to win the starter's job away from Marty Turco, which is something most rookies wouldn't be able to do in the sense that most rookies aren't goalies.

Logan Couture - Will probably win, given that he was drafted by the Sharks thanks to the Vesa Toskala trade and the hockey gods haven't given Maple Leaf fans a good solid kick in the solar plexus in almost a whole month.

***

Norris Trophy
Awarded annually to the defenceman adjudged to be Nicklas Lidstrom.

Kris Letang - Stepped up to fill an important void in Pittsburgh by being willing to not be injured for half the season.

Keith Yandle - Has the disadvantage of playing for the Phoenix Coyotes, meaning the only way most hockey fans will ever hear his name is if Paul Bissonnette tweets about him.

Nicklas Lidstrom - Is actually on pace to be a minus player for the first time in his career, although he'd be +35 if you don't count that one game where the Red Wings let Chris Osgood play.

***

Selke Trophy
Awarded to the best offensive forward who has ever been within 30 feet of his own goaltender.

Jonathan Toews - Should probably win, since if he doesn't he'll just stare at the trophy until it spontaneously combusts.

Pavel Datsyuk - Has won the award three years straight, thanks largely to the unfair advantage of being the only player nominated who never has to try to shut down Pavel Datsyuk.

Ryan Kesler - He may not win the award, but you can bet he'll be lurking somewhere on the stage when it's handed out.

A brief history of NHL suspensions

In hindsight, it was the wrong time to
try to start a round of limbo.

The big news this week was Matt Cooke's elbow to the head of Ryan McDonagh and the NHL's swift and significant response. With most fans and observers calling for a lengthy ban, league disciplinarian Colin Campbell suspended the Penguin winger for the remainder of the season and the first round of the playoffs.

But while Cooke's extended vacation may mark the longest suspension of the year, it's far from the biggest in NHL history. As long-time fans know, the league has compiled a long list of lengthy and often controversial disciplinary decisions. Cooke is the latest player to stride well past the league's constantly moving line in the sand, but he's in good company.

So for those of us with time on our hands - hi Matt! - let's take a walk through the record books and look back at some of the most famous suspensions in recent NHL history.

February, 2000 - Marty McSorley learns that while yes, you never want to make the same mistake twice and yes, it does seem to be perfectly smooth and just the right radius, it's still not appropriate to use the side of Donald Brashear's head to test the legality of the curve on your stick blade.

December, 2008 - Gary Bettman suspends Sean Avery for six games for comments that the commissioner describes as "disgusting", "offensive" and "wrong", shortly after Avery wonders aloud whether the league might want to try promoting somebody other than Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin for a change.

March, 2011 - Islanders' forward Trevor Gillies is suspended for 10 games or 15 minutes of actual ice-time, whichever comes first.

May, 1993 - Dale Hunter receives a 21-game suspension for viciously body checking Islanders' center Pierre Turgeon in mid-celebration. While the suspension seems harsh, it's worth pointing out that Turgeon's celebration was taking place in a quiet corner of a romantic restaurant and was for his wedding anniversary.

June, 2007 - The Montreal Canadiens hire a local stunt man to spend four years playing the role of "doomed forward Max Pacioretty" in an elaborate but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to get Zdeno Chara suspended for a few games, thinks Mark Recchi.

October, 1995 - Tie Domi is suspended eight games for sucker punching Ulf Samuelsson, after his attempt to argue that the incident was a momentary and unplanned lapse in judgment is undermined when league officials point out that he had to drag a stepladder onto the ice to do it.

January, 2005 - By claiming that an extended lockout and the cancellation of an entire season is necessary in order to keep ticket prices low, Gary Bettman calls for a record-setting suspension of fans' disbelief.

December, 2007 - After intentionally stomping on the leg of Pittsburgh's Jarkko Ruutu, Islanders enforcer Chris Simon receives a record-setting 30-game suspension when a careful examination of the replay indicates that Ruutu was not injured.

November, 2009 - The league suspends defenceman Chris Pronger for six games after announcing that, according to a league spokesman, "we haven't heard from him in a while and he must have done something". An outraged Pronger maintains his innocence to reporters gathered in the dressing room, before awkwardly refusing to answer questions about the human femur poking out from his locker.

August, 2004 - An unprecedented lifetime ban is imposed on whichever Ottawa Senator scout is in charge of watching goaltenders, presumably.

May, 1989 - Ron Hextall is suspended for 12 games after attacking Chris Chelios at the end of a playoff series. While horrified onlookers originally fear that Hextall's vicious assault may have killed Chelios, the defenceman eventually rises to his feet, mumbles something about brains, and then slowly shuffles off to play for another 21 seasons.

A hall of famer, a neurosurgeon, a journalist and a blogger walk into a studio...

Dryden listened intently as the random blogger
explained the finer points of hockey to him.

As those of you who follow on twitter or facebook may know, I had the opportunity last week to appear on TVO's The Agenda With Steve Paikin as part of a panel discussing hockey violence and concussions. Also appearing were Hall Of Fame goalie and former Maple Leafs' GM Ken Dryden; Professor of Neurosurgery at U of T Dr. Charles Tator; and longtime Toronto Star sportswriter Mary Ormsby.

I think it went really well, which is to say that I didn't piddle myself, drop any accidental f-bombs, or interrupt Dryden to demand an explanation for the Jason Smith trade, except for that one time and they were able to edit my outburst and subsequent tasing out of the final broadcast.

The show is now available online:

(Viewing this in an RSS feed? Click here.)

A few thoughts:

• If you're wondering how a lowly blogger winds up on a show like this with three well-respected professionals, consider that the taping coincided with both March break and St. Patrick's Day. On that note, be sure to check out the episode page (click the "Concussions" tab) for the guest descriptions. I really think TVO should have gone all the way and just put "Sean McIndoe was available".
  
  
• Speaking of which, if I told you that a former NHL enforcer was invited to appear on the show but declined because they had committed to playing the bag pipes at a St. Patty's event even though they're not Irish, who would you think it was? Not that I am telling you this. I'm just curious.
  
  
• Pro tip: If you're ever invited to be on TV, figure out what to do with your hands when you're not talking before they start filming you. Just trust me on this one.
  
  
• Actual conversation that took place after filming:
  
  Me (feeling very proud of myself for handling the whole thing very professionally): Well, excellent show everyone, this has been a great experience. I have a flight to catch so I'm going to head out now.
  
  (Strides confidently towards door.)
  
  Producer: Yeah, you're probably going to want to have your makeup removed before you get on the Toronto subway.
  
  
• I ended up having the chance to spend a solid ten minutes in conversation with Dryden in the green room before the show. Did I spend most of that time engaging in a detailed discussion of the intricacies of the Rob Brown vs. Sylvain Lefevbre fight from 1992? Yes. Yes I did. I regret nothing.
  
  
• Finally, and in all seriousness, a sincere thanks to the other guests and to the nice people at TVO for making an obvious rookie feel comfortable. The entire experience was a lot of fun, mostly thanks to their patience.
  
  And again, sorry about all the tasing.
  

Matt Cooke's suspension hearing: The top secret transcript

Hey Matt, I've lost count, how
many suspensions is that now?

Scene: The NHL's head office, inside a window-lined boardroom with "Department of Supplemental Discipline" written on the door. Colin Campbell, Mike Murphy and Gary Bettman sit at one end of a large table, with Matt Cooke and Mario Lemieux at the other.

Colin Campbell: Hi Matt. Welcome to the hearing. Did you have any trouble finding a parking spot?

Matt Cooke: Nah, I just parked out front in the "Reserved for Matt Cooke" space.

Campbell: Great. So I've watched the replay of this Ryan McDonagh hit a dozen times. It sure looks like you're intentionally targeting a defenceless opponent with a flagrant elbow to the head. How can you possibly defend your actions?

Cooke: Um... it was an accident?

Campbell: An accident.

Cooke (hesitantly): ... Yes?

A long pause. Campbell stares at Cooke intently before finally breaking the silence.

Campbell: Great, well thanks for clearing that up. Zero games. Sorry for troubling you.

Campbell and Murphy begin gathering up their papers and prepare to leave the room. Cooke looks around in confusion.

Gary Bettman: Uh, everyone? Could we hold on just a second? Maybe we could talk about this one a little more?

Campbell and Murphy stop in the doorway.

Campbell: Well, sure, I guess. If you want to.

Bettman: You know, just since we have the room booked and all.

Campbell (returning to his seat): OK. Well, since I've already subjected Matt to in-depth questioning... Mario, do you have anything to say?

Mario Lemieux: Do I have to?

Campbell: Yes.

Lemieux (sighing): Fine. Look, he's on my team. He's one of my players, technically. So... you know... don't suspend him, I guess.

Campbell: That's very helpful, thanks.

Lemieux: I need to leave now.

Lemieux bolts out the door.

Campbell: Thanks Mario. Our next witness is scheduled to be... hmm, what does it say on my sheet here... "a world-renowned and completely impartial hockey expert, named... Dr. Wario Mellieux".

A man who looks oddly like Mario Lemieux wearing a moustache made out of duct tape walks into the room.

Campbell: Dr. Mellieux, your thoughts?

Mellieux: Matt Cooke is an abomination, a scumbag, an embarrassment, everything that's wrong with the game. I hate him. He should be banned for life.

Cooke: Dude...

Mellieux: And also, he shouldn't count against the salary cap while he's suspended.

They're interrupted by a figure poking his head in the door.

Trevor Gillies: You wanted to see me, Colin?

Campbell: Uh... no.

Gillies (looking down at a newspaper with headline reading "Hockey's biggest cheapshot artist facing suspension yet again"): Oh. Oops, my mistake.

Campbell: No problem Trevor. Talk to you in a few weeks.

Gillies: Sure thing. By the way, whoever's driving the Mercedes Benz with the "MARIO66" vanity plates, I smashed into it from behind. Sorry.

Mellieux: Son of a...

Delivery guy (entering room): OK, who ordered the large pizza with extra cheese and...

Matt Cooke leaps to his feet and begins elbowing the delivery guy repeatedly in the head.

Bettman: Matt...

Cooke: Oops... my bad. Sorry everyone. Force of habit.

Bettman: Don't worry about it. Hey, at least you didn't slam his face into a stanchion!

Zdeno Chara (poking his head through a window): I heard that!

Cooke: Aren't we on the third floor?

Bettman: Never mind that. Look Matt, your hit was very dangerous, but you're here to defend yourself. So go ahead, tell us why we shouldn't throw the book at you.

Cooke: Look, I know I've made mistakes. I'm a physical player and yes, I step over the line sometimes. But so do lots of players, and most of them don't get big suspensions.

Campbell: Exactly. I went easy on Dany Heatley and Brad Marchand, and I didn't suspend Chara at all...

Mellieux (under his breath): Or that jerk who took out Marc Savard.

Campbell: Shush. The point is, plenty of players do dirty things without getting suspended. Why start getting tough now, right?

Cooke: Exactly! I mean, honestly, is hitting one guy in the head really any more dirty that smashing a guy in the face repeatedly with your elbow pad, the way Gregory Campbell did against Montreal...

The room immediately goes silent.

Cooke: Uh... I mean...

Everyone is too horrified to speak.

Campbell (calmly): I'm sorry, Matt, could you repeat that? Any more dirty than who?

Cooke (deer in headlights): Uh... uh...

Campbell (nonchalantly rolling up his sleeves): Everyone leave the room please.

Murphy sprints for the door. Dr. Mellieux leaves his chair spinning, while Bettman leaps over the table. The pizza delivery guy struggles to commando-crawl out the door, which is then quickly slammed and padlocked shut. The group huddles fearfully in the hallway for several moments.

Campbell (from inside the room): Incoming!

An airborne Matt Cooke smashes through the window and lands in the hallway. Campbell steps through the broken glass and pauses over Cook's dazed body.

Campbell (dusting himself off): When he comes to, tell him he's done until the second round of the playoffs. After all, we have to send a message that there are certain lines that just can't be crossed.

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The road to the playoffs: Scouting the bubble teams

"You know what would look good here?
A playoff beard..."

It's crunch time in the NHL, as teams fight desperately to qualify for the post-season. These days it seems like every game matters, and every point is crucial. And with mere weeks left in the season, the races for a spot in the post-season are closer than ever.

Who'll be left standing? Here's a scouting report for seven teams involved in fierce battles for their conference's eighth and final playoff spot.

New Jersey Devils
The good news: New coach Jacques Lemaire's "neutral zone trap" defensive system has so far proven more effective than previous coach John MacLean's version, the "neutral zone high-five the opposing forward on the way by while telling him where Brodeur's weak spot is today".
The bad news: Thanks to poor start, were actually mathematically eliminated from the 2012 playoffs in early December.
Player to watch: After recently hiring a Russian translator for Ilya Kovalchuk, the team discovered he'd been trying for months to tell them that the sticks they kept giving him were for the wrong hand.

Calgary Flames
The good news: The players are strongly motivated to make the playoffs, if only to distract Jarome Iginla from making more terrible bank commercials.
The bad news: Every time coach Brent Sutter tries to give an inspirational "Let's get out there and make the playoffs" speech, he's interrupted by Jay Bouwmeester asking "get out there and make the who what now?"
Player to watch: Matt Stajan, preferably while wearing a Dion Phaneuf jersey and laughing hysterically (Leaf fans only).

Carolina Hurricanes
The good news: Have wisely arranged to play most of their remaining games against teams from the Eastern Conference, who are all terrible.
The bad news: None of the players can remember if the franchise tradition is to contend for the Stanley Cup in odd-numbered years and finish dead last in even-numbered years, or vice versa.
Player to watch: Eric Staal, assuming you're looking for somebody to draft a terrible team in next year's office fantasy league.

Buffalo Sabres
The good news: New billionaire owner Terry Pegula has energized fans by announcing many new promotions for the remainder of the season, such as "leave a duffel bag stuffed with hundreds in the referees' locker room night".
The bad news: The city has had so much good sports luck over the years, they're probably due for some sort of bad break.
Player to watch: Ryan Miller is struggling through an off-year, in the sense that he occasionally allows the other team to score this season.

Nashville Predators
The good news: Headed into last night's action one point out of the final playoff spot, which in the Western Conference means they're also one-and-a-half points out of first place.
The bad news: Haven't looked good recently, according to that one guy you know who accidentally watched one of their games.
Player to watch: Mike Fisher, says your wife, creepily.

Anaheim Ducks
The good news: Many observers consider them one of the five best teams in the Pacific division.
The bad news: Disturbed teammates report that an aging Teeme Selanne now throws a glove into the air and pretends to shoot it down every time he successfully passes a kidney stone.
Player to watch: Ray Emery, who has plenty of experience helping the Ducks win in the postseason.

Toronto Maple Leafs
The good news: The struggling power play has been improved by the recent realization that you're actually allowed to put an extra guy out there.
The bad news: Teams have begun to exploit James Reimer's weakness: skating towards him while yelling "Hey, don't forget that you are James Reimer".
Player to watch: Tomas Kaberle, as he watches the playoff run from afar with his face pressed sadly against his bedroom window.