Waiver Wire: Evgeni Nabokov meets with Gary Bettman

You may have heard that Evgeni Nabokov isn't very happy. He recently went from signing a contract with the contending Detroit Red Wings to being claimed on waivers by the last place Islanders. So far he's refused to support, but he may be running out of options if he wants to continue his career next season.

So what's a goalie to do? If you're Nabokov, you arrange for a top secret hearing with commissioner Gary Bettman to plead his case. Luckily for us, DGB hidden cameras were there to record the conversation. I have to honest... I feel like it probably could have gone better for Evgeni.

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The lyrics:

(Gary Bettman)
Take this guy! Take that guy!
Take that name! Make that claim!
The wire came down, gloves came off!
(Waiver Wire!)
[bleep] you, Nabakov!
Fool what you want? A forward or D?
Fool what you want? One goalie or three?
You sad? (Snap'em up)
Too bad! (Grab 'em up)
Should have stayed out of the KHL (Go to hell!)

(Garth Snow)
Garth Snow, GM of the Isles
And you won't be playing again for a while
Backing up Rick DiPietro
Always in rebuild mode
(Nabakov: "But I'd much rather play for a contender...")
So?
You think I don't know that? (Charles Wang: BLAW!)
Nabby hold that! (BLAW!) Nabby hold that! (BLAW!) Nabby hold that!
From the Isle comrade, you know the pace
We're 900 and 99 points short of eighth place

(Bettman)
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
It's the perfect timin’, to do some blind-sidin'
Go and grab your new fourth-liner! Huh!
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
Get him (get him) get him! Sit him (sit him) Sit him!
Grab him! (Nab him!) Grab him! (Nab him!)

(Kyle Wellwood)
The Sharks you know, they really friendly
Mention seafood, make me hungry
You doing what you should, a team's picking you up for good
But you're gonna need a crane if you're picking up Wellwood
Waiver Wire! Harpoon that whale!
You're gonna be sorry when I break that scale!
When you're picking a club, bring your damn lunch money
Cause those fools with the blogs and fat jokes ain't funny.

(Marek Svatos)
I tried to sign with the Blues, (Marek what you sayin?)
Then my agent calls me up and tells me I ain't playing
It's Predator time, Nashville time
(Waiver wire) It's yellow uniform time
I heard the Blues music but this player ain't dancing
They caught a Predator like they was Chris Hansen
Treating me like I'm some for-hire desperado
Doesn't matter to me as long as it's not Colorado

(Bettman)
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
It's the perfect timin’, to do some blind-sidin'
Go and grab your new fourth-liner! Huh!
Waiver Wire! Claim that fool!
Waiver Wire! Go take that fool!
Get him (get him) get him! Sit him (sit him) Sit him!
Grab him! (Nab him!) Grab him! (Nab him!)

Phil Kessel's all-star draft text messages

Looks like someone just figured out
how to slew-foot in Angry Birds.

The all-star weekend has come and gone for another year. The game was exciting, the skills competition was entertaining, and the various fanfest events drew solid crowds.

But of course, all anyone seems to want to talk about is Friday's draft. And much of that attention has been focused squarely on Phil Kessel, who had the unfortunate distinction of being the last player picked.

Kessel, to his credit, seemed to take the snub in the spirit of good fun. That was despite his admission that he spent much of the draft receiving a steady stream of text messages from his Maple Leafs teammates and others. Fans can probably imagine the sort of feedback he was subjected to as his evening dragged on.

Well, imagine no more. Thanks to my sources at the phone company, I've obtained a transcript all of Kessel's incoming text messages from draft night.

7:45 p.m.
Hey everyone… just a reminder that the draft starts at 8:00 sharp, and should wrap up around 9:15. Please be in your seat on stage a few minutes early. Uh, except Phil, who should feel free to just wander in an hour later if he wants to. We'll explain later. - Eric and Nicklas

8:15 p.m.
Hey Phil, I have your tie here all ready to go, hope I'm not too late. - Joe's Dry Cleaning

8:31 p.m.
Dude, switch seats with me? Jonathan Toews hasn't blinked in about 20 minutes, and I'm starting to fear for my life. - Corey Perry

8:37 p.m.
Man, you've been sitting there without moving for so long you're starting to remind me of me in every third period. - Colton Orr

8:45 p.m.
Watching the draft. I just wanted to let you know how impressed I am by all the poise you've shown tonight. Even in an event like this, you carry yourself like a winner at all times and I can not tell you how excited I am to have you be the franchise player that we build a championship roster around. - Brian Burke

8:46 p.m.
Oops. Sorry Phil, I meant to send that last text to Brad Richards. Could you walk over and show it to him? Not like you're doing anything right now. - Brian Burke

8:58 p.m.
Look Phil, it's nothing personal. It's just that we all know how effective you are in the games involving Zdeno Chara - Eric and Nicklas

9:07 p.m.
Phil, this is painful. A bunch of the TSN guys were talking and we feel terrible for you, and we'd like to take you out to breakfast tomorrow to get your mind off how bad your season is going. We know this great place that's famous for making the world's best waff… you know what, bad idea, forget we brought it up. - James Duthie

9:15 p.m.
So, um… draft schmaft? - Cliff Fletcher

9:18 p.m.
If it's any consolation, you're still my favourite player and always will be. - Peter Chiarelli

9:22 p.m.
Hey buddy, don't worry about it. All the negativity will come to a stop the second you record your first point during the actual game. - Dion Phaneuf

9:27 p.m.
I don't know who you are, but thanks for taking some of the heat off this weekend. - Stan Lee

9:30 p.m.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better I get picked last all the time too. And that's just in pickup road hockey games with the neighbourhood children. - Brett Lebda

9:37 p.m.
Could you share your thoughts about the experience of being the last one picked for a sports team? Ha ha, just kidding. Everyone single one of us already knows exactly what that feels like. - The media

9:45 p.m.
Sorry about making such a big deal of taking your photo when you were stuck there all by yourself. I just really wanted to capture the ending of a major hockey event in person, since when it's the playoffs or the Olympics I'm already sitting at home. - Alexander Ovechkin

9:52 p.m.
So we hear you had to just sit around for an entire draft, doing nothing, watching everyone else have all the fun. Welcome to our world. - The Maple Leafs scouting staff

Ten new events to save the all-star skills competition

When it was Phaneuf's turn, the
targets were hung in the rafters.

While the NHL All-Star weekend has its share of critics, you have to give the league credit for being willing to shake things up. With a brand new fantasy team format highlighted by tonight's schoolyard draft, the league is at least trying to improve on an admittedly stale format.

But have they gone far enough? After all, while the draft may be unique that same creativity hasn't extended to the rest of the weekend. The game itself will be standard all-star fare, and even the skills competition will rely largely on old standbys like accuracy shooting and fastest skater races.

It doesn't have to be that way. The league has an opportunity to really embrace change, and they should take advantage by introducing brand new events to Saturday's skills competition that would really connect with the modern NHL audience.

It's not too late. Here are ten suggestions for new events that the league should move quickly to implement in time for tomorrow night's competition.

Respect The Game - As all the others players enthusiastically hoot, holler and high five each other in reaction to the various events, P.K. Subban curls up in the fetal position and tries desperately to avoid cracking a facial expression. Special celebrity judge: Mike Richards.

Fashion Cents - Fans from around the league will attempt to sprint to the gift shop, find their favourite team's jersey, spend their entire paycheque on it, and then actually put it on and wear it for a few seconds before the team announces that it's replacing it with yet another new design.

Lame Duck - Cory Clouston delivers a fiery motivational speech to members of the Ottawa Senators, who compete to see who can go the longest without rolling their eyes and tuning him out completely. (Note to organizers: this event will require a timer that can measure thousandths of a second.)

Staged Outrage - Two enforcers drop the gloves at center ice immediately after a faceoff, at which point every member of the assembled media scrambles to make the exact same overwrought "staged fights must go" argument. Bonus points will be awarded for volume, repetitiveness, and having your entire column filed before all four gloves have even touched the ice.

What Time Is It, Mr. Snow? - Various KHL stars attempt to sneak up and sign the NHL contract lying at center ice, until Garth Snow appears and they all scatter like rats.

Explaining the Unexplainable - Players try to determine why there should be a minor penalty for delaying the game by shooting the puck into the stands, but not for delaying the game by shooting the puck all the way down the rink for icing even though that takes longer. Anyone player who succeeds will move on to a bonus round called "And what's that trapezoid thing behind the net supposed to accomplish, anyway?"

I'm An Insider, Really! -- A selection of anonymous bloggers are given 30 seconds to randomly point to as many players as possible and claim that they're all being traded for each other according to top secret sources. In the second half of the event, exactly none of those trades happen.

Tie Game In The Third Period - Based on an exciting feature of regular season NHL games, two teams of five will work together to turn a close contest into a three-point game by ensuring that they make it to overtime without a goal being scored. Any player who crosses the opponent's blue line with control of the puck will immediately be benched and replaced with someone who'll dump it in and stay in the neutral zone.

Hey, Why Am I Bleeding? - Various finesse players who have never been in an fight before compete to see who can land the most gloved punches on Tim Gleason before having it occur to them that that's probably a really bad idea.

Head Shot Roulette - A randomly selected player is handed the full text of the NHL's rule 48.1 and is given 30 seconds to attempt to figure out which head shots are actually legal and which are not. As he's thinking, another player sneaks up behind him and hits him over the head with a shovel, at which point everyone laughs and uploads the clip the YouTube.

Looking on the bright side of the Ottawa Senators season

"Yes, we have a plan. It involves us
repeatedly assuring you we have a plan."

The Ottawa Senators may have finally hit rock bottom.

The team has fallen to 27th place, miles out of the playoff spot they'd expected to contend for. They have the worst goal-differential in the entire league. They've lost six in a row at home, most recently an embarrassing 7-1 disaster at the hands of the Montreal Canadiens. The roster is old and expensive. And fans are screaming for heads on a platter.

So sure, things could be better. But is that any reason to get all negative?

Long-time readers know that I reject the online culture of cynical pessimism, and instead choose to always look at the glass as half full. So I reached out to my various contacts within the Ottawa organization, and they helped me put together a list of feel-good stories.

Cheer up, Senator fans. You have so much to be thankful for:

• Team salespeople report that the idea of renewing their season tickets apparently makes Senator fans really happy, since whenever you call to ask them about it they just laugh hysterically into the phone for hours.
  
  
• Making his only start of the season, third-string goalie Mike Brodeur recently gave up four goals in a half game's work and was then immediately sent down to the minors, which this season means he can be referred to as "The Good Brodeur".
  
  
• The players should be rested and ready to go next year thanks to an extended four-month offseason, as opposed to the three-and-a-half-month offseason that they're used to.
  
  
• The team has saved a ton of money on their office supplies budget in recent years by just giving every new coach the same generic "miscellaneous interim head coach" business cards.
  
  
• Let's just say that the franchise-record seven-year streak of not losing to the Maple Leafs in the playoffs shows absolutely no sign of ending any time in the next decade.
  
  
• The team is almost certain to have a top ten pick at this year's draft, so get ready to say hello to the next Brian Lee.
  
  
• Veteran defenceman Sergei Gonchar is having a career year, in the sense that at his age it's pretty much a given that every other season over the rest of his career will be even worse than this one.
  
  
• All in all, you have to admit that the players have actually done a pretty good job of dealing with the crushing pressure of playing for the city's third most popular NHL team.
  
  
• Anyone who's watched him play recently would agree that Alexei Kovalev is ridiculously, embarrassingly, horrifically overpaid at $5 million per year, which should make it especially entertaining when he gets $6 or $7 million as a free agent this summer from the Rangers.
  
  
• Thanks to the purchase of an insurance policy that pays $100 for each Pascal Leclaire injury, the team will turn a profit on the season of roughly seven billion dollars.
  
  
• The front office is unlikely to have to make any offseason choices between a future Norris winner and a future overpaid minor leaguer, which is good news since they tend to have a little bit of trouble with that one.
  
  
• Daniel Alfredsson just guaranteed that no team would be crazy enough to give up anything decent for a struggling 38-year-old with two more years left on his contract, so, ka-ching!
  
  
• Ownership is confident that the community will continue to support the franchise during a rebuilding phase, since other than the Rough Riders, Rebel, Loggers, Lynx, Renegades and maybe a dozen more at the most, Ottawa sports fans have never abandoned a losing team.
  
  
• They're about to embark on a thorough rebuilding of an Ontario-based team under the leadership of a former Anaheim Ducks general manager -- how could that ever go wrong?

The signs of the hockey zodiac

Now a locker room Gemini.

If you've been around a water cooler recently, you've heard the apparently stunning news that's rocked the astrological world: thanks to a shift in the earth's axis, many of us now have new zodiac signs.

Does any of that matter to you? If you're a hockey fan, no, it doesn't. That's because diehard fans have long had their own unique set of astrological signs. Forget Scorpio and Capricorn; hockey fans have a better system that more closely aligns with the ups and downs of the NHL calendar.

On the off chance that you're a new fan or could use a quick refresher course, here's a rundown of the hockey world's zodiac signs.

Sign of the Opening Night (October) - You're an optimistic spirit who chooses to see the best in people. You're willing to let the mistakes of the past stay in the past, and you believe that everyone deserves a fresh start. You know that you'll never be perfect, but you also understand that you can't obsess over every little thing.

Sign of the Long Season (November) - You obsess over every little thing. You spend hours staring at yourself in the mirror, noting every flaw and wondering how it's possible that you didn't notice them until now. You're haunted by a nagging sense that you were a fool for thinking things might actually work out for once. You probably drink too much.

Sign of the World Juniors (December) - You're a shining example of the power of youthful exuberance. Emotional and excitable, you enjoy sprinting around and jumping into a wall whenever something goes well. You like to travel the world, even though everyone agrees that you'd probably be better off if you just stayed in Canada. You're really mean to Norwegian kids.

Sign of the All-Star (January) - You're constantly reinventing yourself in an attempt to stay cool. Rich businessmen and small children love you, although everyone else finds you sort of tedious. Every time you hold a party, everyone spends weeks arguing about one or two friends that you forgot to invite. People often fake injuries to avoid you.

Sign of the Olympics (February) - You're a world traveller who doesn't come around very often. Everybody loves you, even though you occasionally have an annoying habit of showing up at 3:00 in the morning. Whenever you attend an event that ends up being a huge success, you like to pretend you're not going to come back even though nobody believes you.

Sign of the Trade Deadline (March) - Everybody is endlessly fascinated by you, and they love to watch and analyze your every move in excruciating detail. Friends describe getting incredibly excited at the mere thought that you're near. But when you finally arrive, everyone feels strangely underwhelmed and mutters "Wait, I faked being too sick to come in to work for that?"

Sign of the Stretch Run (April) - Forget fun and games; you believe that it's time to get serious. You can be unpleasant and even downright cruel, and you've been known to break a few hearts along the way, but nobody wants to be left off of your dance card. Deep down, though, you can't shake the feeling that everyone is just using you to get to something better.

Sign of the Playoffs (May) - You have a beard, and you enjoy shaking hands. You're intense and unpredictable, with exhilarating highs and excruciating lows. You can be almost unbearably difficult, but for those willing to persevere through the tough times you offer the possibility of unmatched happiness that makes it all worth it. You don't hang out with Maple Leaf fans.

Sign of the Draft (June) - You're a long-term thinker who likes to plant seeds for the future and watch them grow. You have pimples, a bad haircut, a cheap suit and a disturbingly gigantic neck, and you absolutely will not put on a hat without bending it for five minutes first. You also don't hang out with Maple Leaf fans.

Sign of Free Agency (July) - The good news: You're a shopaholic who loves the thrill of the hunt. The bad news: You usually make terrible financial decisions that will take you years to fix. Everyone warns you about this, of course, but you just can't seem to help yourself. You would probably be a lot better of if you avoided talking with Russian people.

Sign of the Offseason (August) - You are incredibly dull and nobody likes you.

Sign of the Preseason (September) - You are full of the inner peace that can only come with a new beginning, and you believe that a brighter future may be right around the corner. You trust in the power of youth and feel that all things are possible, even for people that you just met. You embrace hope, you dream big dreams, and you eventually make the cutest little whimpering noise when reality inevitably comes along and mercilessly stomps little holes in your soul.