The 10 types of mid-season coaching changes (and how they usually work out)

It’s​ been a rough few​ weeks​ for​ NHL​ coaches.​ After​ going all​ of 2017-18 without​ a single coach losing​ their​ job until the​​ final day of the season, we’ve already seen four pink slips this year, including two this week. And we’re only a quarter of the way through the schedule.

Typically, NHL teams don’t want to make coaching changes while the season is going on. It’s virtually always a sign that something has gone horribly wrong, and a major change is needed to try to salvage the season. But at the same time, plenty of GMs around the league are under pressure to do exactly that. And that pressure will only mount as other teams make changes and potential candidates get snapped up.

So today, let’s look at 10 types of midseason coach firings, and some examples of each from the last 25 years of NHL history. Maybe they can teach us something about this year’s firings – from the four we’ve already seen and the ones that might still be to come.

And we’ll start with what is, unfortunately, probably the most common kind of midseason coaching change…

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The Deck-Chair Reshuffling

The scenario: The season isn’t going well. The team fires its coach and hires a replacement. The season continues to not go well. Maybe it wasn’t the coach, you guys.

Recent examples: The Leafs go from Ron Wilson to Randy Carlyle in 2012. The Senators trying to stop a tailspin by replacing John Paddock with GM Bryan Murray in 2008. The Canadiens firing Alain Vigneault for Michel Therrien in 2000. The Canucks going from Tom Renney to Mike Keenan in 1998, and then again from Keenan to Marc Crawford the year after. The Wild replace Mike Yeo with John Torchetti in 2016. Panthers’ coach/GM Rick Dudley stepping aside for John Torchetti in 2004. The Kings replace Andy Murray with John Torchetti in 2006. Uh, maybe we should just call this one “The John Torchetti”.

Does it work?: Nope. Although in most of these cases, you get the feeling that nothing would have.

Potential 2018-19 cases: We’ll have to wait and see what the new guys can do. But the Kings are already giving off that vibe.

The Too-Little-Too-Late

The scenario: The old coach was bad. The new coach is good, at least for a while, and the team starts playing up to expectations. But the GM waits too long to make the switch, so they miss the playoffs anyway.

Recent examples: The Blues firing Andy Murray for Davis Payne in 2010. The Senators going from Craig Hartsburg to Cory Clouston in 2009. The Islanders making the switch from Jack Capuano to Doug Weight in 2017.

Does it work?: Yes and no. In a way, this has to almost feel like the worst-case scenario for a GM. It’s one thing to make the wrong move. It’s another to make the right one, but realize you pulled the trigger too late for it to make a difference.

Potential 2018-19 cases: None of the firings we’ve seen so far will fall into this category, because at least the four teams acted with enough time left to right the ship. But will we look back at some other team that hasn’t made a move yet and wonder if they should have joined the early-season crowd? Maybe not, but every Flyers fan is angrily clenching their fists right now just in case.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

What your favorite Battle of Ontario moment says about you

With less than a week to go before the playoffs start, there remains a good possibility that we’re going to see a series between the Maple Leafs and Senators. That would be a great matchup – one of the best possible – and would feature two underdog teams that few expected to be in the playoffs at all.

But more importantly, it would mark the resumption of the Battle of Ontario, the rivalry that dominated the province for a good stretch of the pre-lockout years, and continued to simmer after that even though one of the teams decided not to make the playoffs anymore. It was a great rivalry, one that alternated between dramatic playoff showdowns, legitimate bad blood, and goofy “Wait, did that really just happen?” scenes.

But which Battle of Ontario moment is your favourite? And more importantly, what does that choice say about you as a person? Let’s find out, as we run through 12 of the most memorable moments in the rivalry’s history.

Moment No. 1: Daniel Alfredsson’s hit from behind on Darcy Tucker

A rarely acknowledged fact about the Battle of Ontario is that it didn't always involve all that much bad blood. In 2000 and 2001, the two teams hadn't built up much in the way of animosity, and the matchups felt like more a geographic novelty than a real rivalry. Even the two fan bases largely got along.

But it's not hard to pinpoint the exact moment that changed. It came in the final minutes of game five of the 2002 matchup between the two teams, with both the game and the series knotted at 2–2.

You really couldn't draw up a better playoff controversy. Tucker was a divisive player, beloved as a gritty warrior in Toronto but viewed as a pest and diver by Sens fans. Meanwhile, Alfredsson was considered a virtual saint in Ottawa, but the moment transformed him into the rivalry's arch-villain in the eyes of Leaf fans.

Having Alfredsson escape a penalty for drilling Tucker into the boards was near-perfect; having the Senators' captain score the winning goal seconds later was downright diabolical.

What it says about you: You are a Senators fan, and there's a 90–per cent chance you remember this moment more fondly than your wedding day or the birth of your children.

Moment No. 2: Ricard Persson boards Tie Domi

Domi was front and centre throughout the rivalry's heyday, and normally anything that left him bloodied would be just fine with Ottawa fans. But that wasn't the case in game six of the teams' 2002 second-round matchup, when a hit from behind worked against the Senators just two days after Alfredsson flattened Tucker.

The Senators were looking to close out the series on home ice, and had jumped out to an early 2–0 lead that Leafs coach Pat Quinn later admitted had him worried the final might end up being 10–0. Ottawa fans were already breaking out the mocking "goodbye" chant. That's when Persson decided to drill Domi from behind, cutting the Leafs' enforcer and earning a five-minute major.

The Leafs scored twice on the power play, and went on to win the game 4–3. The two teams headed back to Toronto, where the Senators went out meekly with a 3–0 loss.

The hit led to one of the rivalry's most memorable quotes, when Alfredsson told reporters that they'd be going on to the next round "if Domi had better balance".

What it says about you: You're a Leafs fan, and your life goal is to someday meet Domi and personally thank him for not having better balance.

Moment No. 3 The first shootout

When the NHL emerged from the year-long lockout that killed the 2004–05 season, it was with a full slate of 15 opening-night games on Oct. 5, 2005. But only one, featuring the Leafs and Senators in Toronto, went to a shootout, marking the first time in league history that the tie-breaker gimmick made an appearance.

Alfredsson got the honours of taking the first shot and scoring the first goal. Three current Hall of Famers were involved in Dominik Hasek, Ed Belfour and Eric Lindros. Dany Heatley ended it by scoring the first-ever shootout winner. And yet somehow, the most memorable moment from the whole thing has become Jason Allison's slow-motion attempt, which is rumoured to still be going on to this day.

What it says about you: You still think the shootout is cool. Hi there, Mr. Bettman, thanks for reading.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

2016 Stanley Cup Final preview

The Stanley Cup Final begins tomorrow night, with the Pittsburgh Penguins hosting the San Jose Sharks. It's an unlikely matchup, but a very good one, and the series has the potential to showcase some great hockey featuring some of the league's biggest stars. Here's how it all breaks down.

In this corner: The Eastern Conference champion Pittsburgh Penguins (48-26-8, +42 true goals differential). The Pens finished second in both the conference and the Metro Division, behind only the Presidents' Trophy winning Washington Capitals.

The road so far: They had a relatively easy time with the Rangers in round one, then knocked off those same Capitals in a tough second-round series. On Thursday, they finished off the Lightning in seven to win a series they'd trailed through five games.

The history books: The Penguins are making their fifth appearance in the final and gunning for their fourth Cup. The first two of those came in 1991 and 1992, when Mario Lemieux and a teenaged Jaromir Jagr led a ridiculously stacked team of future Hall of Famers. It's the third appearance in the finals for the Crosby-era team, which made back-to-back trips in 2008 and 2009 against the Red Wings, losing the first and winning the second. Back then, it seemed inconceivable that it would take that team seven years to get back.

Injury report: They're relatively healthy, with the only major piece missing being Trevor Daley, who broke his ankle against the Lightning. Daley doesn't carry the star power of some of the team's bigger names, but he was eating some tough minutes on the blueline, ranking second on the team in average ice time.

One player to watch: Kris Letang. Blueline depth was never the Penguins' strong point; unlike other teams (including San Jose), they don't have the luxury of a No. 2 guy who could be a No. 1 somewhere else. That's left Letang to do a lot of the heavy lifting, and he's done it well, looking like a Norris candidate this year. But with Daley out, he may end up playing 30-plus minutes some nights during this series. He's battled injuries over the years, and he's already earned one suspension this postseason with another near miss. With apologies to Crosby and his high-scoring friends, the Penguins could afford to lose any other player more than Letang.

Key number: 0—Number of times Bryan Rust had scored goals in back-to-back games over the course of his NHL career before doing it in Games 6 and 7 to help the Penguins come back to beat the Lightning. That seventh game was also his second two-goal game of the playoffs, something else he'd never done before this spring. Every Cup champion needs a few unexpected guys to overachieve at the right times, and Rust has been doing it for the Penguins.

Dominant narrative: Sidney Crosby's legacy. The hockey world loves to separate its stars into winners and losers; the guys who Rise To The Occasion versus the ones who Just Can't Get It Done. There's no bigger star than Crosby, and over the last few weeks there's been some questions over which group he belongs in. That was especially true after the Penguins fell behind the Lightning with Crosby slumping by his standards, going 11 games without a multi-point night.

A lot of that analysis was, well, not good, and it seems ridiculous to question the winning pedigree of a 28-year-old who's already captained a Cup winner and two Olympic gold medalists. But being ridiculous never stopped this stuff in the past, so expect to hear plenty about whether Crosby is displaying enough winner-heart-grit-compete over the next two weeks. If the Penguins lose, expect more heat on Crosby, regardless of whether he actually deserves it. If they win, he gets Certified Winner status, and becomes impervious to any further criticism. (At least for a few more years.)

The big question: Matt Murray is the guy, right? He took over the starting duties due to Marc-Andre Fleury's concussion, and held it until Game 5 of the Lightning series, when Mike Sullivan went back to his veteran. It was widely viewed as a mistake (although maybe not as dumb as it seemed); Fleury looked rusty, the Penguins lost the game, and Murray was back in net for Game 6. We all assume that's going to be a permanent state of affairs in this series, but Sullivan has planted just enough doubt that you wonder what it would take for him to make another switch.

OGWAC factor: The OGWAC, or "Old Guy Without A Cup," is a cherished playoff tradition. Most teams have at least one older player, maybe even a guy in the last season of his career, who's never won a Stanley Cup. It's impossible not to root for that guy; if his team wins, he's often the first one to have the Cup handed to him, and you can count on lots of postgame photos of him hugging it and crying. Hockey fans eat this stuff up.

So who's the best OGWAC left on the Penguins? Well... there really isn't one. There isn't a single guy on the roster who remotely qualifies as "old" and hasn't already won. Matt Cullen and Chris Kunitz already have rings. The oldest guy on the team without his name on the Cup is Ben Lovejoy, but he's only 32 (and had a small role on the Penguins' 2009 team). Eric Fehr is only 30. The team's best OGWAC may not even be a player at all; assistant coach Jacques Martin is making his first trip to the final in a 30-year NHL career.

Then again, maybe Phil Kessel should count. He's technically only 28, but playing in Toronto ages a guy 10 years.

>> Read the full post at Vice Sports

The 2016 OGWAC rankings

The Old Guy Without A Cup is one of playoff hockey’s best traditions. Every season, right around this time, fans start hearing about the grizzled veterans on the remaining teams that are chasing the very first championship of their NHL careers. Some have had agonizing near-misses in the past; others have never even come close. In many cases, the drama is unmistakable because we know that this is probably their last chance.

The Old Guy Without A Cup, or OGWAC for short, makes for a great story. They’re easy for fans to root for, and can serve as inspiration for their teammates. Over the years, it’s even become tradition for the winning captain to seek out his team’s OGWAC for the honour of receiving the first handoff.

Ray Bourque is probably the best OGWAC story of all-time; back in 2001, it was almost impossible not to cheer him on as the then 40-year-old defenceman chased his first title in what would be the final season of his 22-year career. When he finally got it, hockey fans were treated to one of the era’s most emotional moments.

Other memorable OGWACs include Lanny MacDonald in 1989 and Teemu Selanne in 2007. Last year, it was Kimmo Timonen, the 39-year-old veteran who’d never won a thing over the course of his long career, right up until Jonathan Toews handed him the Cup.

This year, as always, there are a handful of candidates in the running to be this year’s feel-good story. We’re obviously looking for guys that are old, which we’ll define as 33 and up. They also need to playing an active role in their team’s Cup hunt; you’ll occasionally see a scratch earn OGWAC status (like Denis Savard in 1993), but it’s rare. And bonus points will be awarded for near misses and adversity faced along the way.

With all that in mind, here are the ten best OGWAC candidates left standing in this year’s playoffs.

Steve Ott, St. Louis Blues

The notorious pest is in his 13th NHL season, almost all of them spent doing the thankless work of a third or fourth-liner. He’s also a divisive player, one who proudly plays the agitator role, has been suspended multiple times and once thought it would be a good idea to do this.

Near misses: Ott’s longest run came as part of the Stars team that made the conference final back in 2008.

Adversity tracker: It’s probably fair to say that Ott is one of the most hated players in the league. Does that count as adversity? I’m not sure it does.

Bottom line: A big part of any OGWAC story is the player being fun to root for, which will disqualify Ott in the eyes of many fans. But if you can talk yourself into the whole “guy you love to hate” thing, you might be able to get on board.

Jason Spezza, Dallas Stars

Spezza hasn’t hit our 33-years-old cutoff yet, but he likely will by the time the Stanley Cup is won, so he qualifies. Still, it’s almost impossible to think of him as “old”. This guy was a K-Mart model as a kid, and he still looks exactly the same today.

Near misses: Spezza was a key part of the Senators run to the final in 2007, and was a rookie on the 2003 team that lost a heart-breaking conference final to the Devils.

Adversity tracker: He’s battled injuries for much of his career, including back problems that cost him most of his 2012-13 season.

Bottom line: Spezza checks most of the OGWAC boxes, but as long as his back holds up he seems like a guy who has lots of hockey ahead of him. He makes the list, but we can’t rank him that highly.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Let's make a deal: A look back at this season's biggest trades

After sending the overpaid underacheiver
to Ottawa, the Coyotes understood what
it felt like to be a Canadian voter

The Phoenix Coyotes finally made the long-awaited Kyle Turris trade over the weekend, dealing the disgruntled center to the Ottawa Senators in exchange for young defenceman David Rundblad and a draft pick.

The trade was a rare early-season blockbuster in a league where most trades seem to happen at the trade deadline or in the offseason. It will also be the last NHL deal for a while, since the league-wide holiday trade freeze went into effect on Monday.

So while NHL general managers step away from the negotiating table for a well-deserved break, let's take a look back at some of the significant trades the league has seen since the end of training camp.

The trade: The Devils send David Steckel to the Leafs for a fourth-round draft pick.
The view from Toronto: Steckel gives the team a faceoff specialist who can take the first draw after a Maple Leaf penalty, which is always in the defensive zone, as well as the second draw after a Maple Leaf penalty, which is always at center ice.
The view from New Jersey: Steckel's main role last year with the Capitals was being the guy who'd go up to Alexander Ovechkin before every game and remind him to occasionally score a goal or two, although I'm sure someone else will remember to do that.
Final verdict: The deal saw the Leafs acquire an above-average fourth line center, which I think we all agree was their only major weakness heading into the season.

Read the rest of this post...

Success stories from the NHL's opening month

"And then Ryan Smyth told me he used to have a
phone that was connected to the wall! What a joker!"

The NHL season is now a month old, and for many hockey fans that can mean only one thing: it's time to start looking for something to complain about.

After all, these days it seems like some fans love nothing more than pointing out someone else's flaws. And sure, if you look closely enough at any team or player you can always find at least one or two things that may be slightly less than perfect.

But as long-time readers know, I've never been the sort of writer who chooses to focus on the negative. So instead, let's take a look around the league and highlight some of the good news that's been on display in the early going. Consider this a negativity-free zone.

Here are some of the most inspiring success stories from the season's first month.

Joe Thornton - Showed a lot of class by apologizing to the Rangers for calling them the softest team the Sharks had played against, after explaining that he hadn't realized that intrasquad scrimmages counted too.

Ken Hitchcock - The Blues' new head coach will no doubt be wildly popular in St. Louis, a town where fans have proven to be willing to embrace a team's boss even if he's incapable of correctly operating a simple telephone.

Ville Leino - His $27 million contract with the Sabres is completely guaranteed no matter how he plays, his agent incredulously reminds him several times a day.

Dion Phaneuf - Has managed to put together an impressive season despite his recent habit of coming back to the bench after every shift, turning on his smartphone, checking for updates about the Calgary Flames, then laughing hysterically while high-fiving all his teammates.

Read the rest of this post...

Previewing the round one matchups: Eastern Conference

"Try that again and you're a dead man, Chara" said
Gomez, three hours later, alone in his apartment.

The playoffs are here, which means it's time to offer up painstakingly detailed predictions for each first round series that will be proven disastrously wrong midway through the opening period of game one.

Here's an in-depth look at the Eastern Conference matchups. We'll take a look at the Western Conference later this week.

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#5 Lightning vs. #4 Penguins

The matchup: This is a dream matchup for hockey fans who love the NHL draft but only have time to watch the first few picks every year.

The view from Pittsburgh: Head coach Dan Bylsma has worked hard to keep players focused despite an unprecedented battle with injuries, which is great right up until he inevitably gets injured.

The view from Tampa Bay: Martin St. Louis finished with 99 points, making the century mark just the latest thing that he can't quite reach.

Player to watch: Sidney Crosby sitting in the press box doing nothing, according to whoever's directing the TV broadcasts.

Prediction: Fans will be dazzled by the stunning displays of skill on the ice, right up until league officials explain to Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman that it's time to stop screwing around and let the two teams start the game.

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#6 Canadiens vs. #3 Bruins

The matchup: Montreal coach Jacques Martin might have trouble with the Bruins, since he historically struggles in the playoffs when faced with good teams built by the Toronto Maple Leafs.

The view from Montreal: The Canadiens would love to get some payback against Zdeno Chara if they weren't being held back by arbitrary rules, like the instigator penalty and also the basic laws of physics.

The view from Boston: Tim Thomas set a league record for save percentage this season, although that number drops significantly if you factor in the ability to save his own dignity in fights against Carey Price.

Player to watch: Dr. Mark Recchi, who has kindly agreed to signal from the bench to let us know whether players being scraped off the ice onto a stretcher are actually injured or not.

Prediction: The Canadiens lose the series, but finally get their revenge on Chara at the end of game four when they all squeeze his hand really hard during the post-game handshakes.

***

#7 Sabres vs. #2 Flyers

The matchup: It's the franchise that's always trying to win without a superstar goalie vs. the franchise that's always trying to win with nothing but a superstar goalie.

The view from Philadelphia: The Flyers finished the season on an extended cold streak, almost as if they somehow got this weird idea that being a high playoff seed isn't all that important.

The view from Buffalo: In the post-lockout era, the Sabres have an excellent record in playoff series that involve Daniel Briere.

Player to watch: Former Blackhawk Kris Versteeg continues to annoy his Flyer teammates who ask him for advice on winning the Cup by answering "Well, the most important thing is to face a bunch of overrated losers in the finals".

Prediction: Buffalo's sports history + the likely return of Chris Pronger = something terrible is going to happen to somebody.

***

#8 Rangers vs. #1 Capitals

The matchup: Experts warn that the coaching matchup between John Tortorella and Bruce Boudreau could lead to a severe worldwide shortage of f-bombs.

The view from New York: The Rangers were on the verge of missing the playoffs before clinching a spot when Carolina was eliminated on a dramatic last-minute goal from NBC's senior vice president of sports programming.

The view from Washington: Alexander Ovechkin managed a career low 32 goals on the season, although in fairness he did spend every game laying in a hammock at centre ice while napping with a sign around his neck reading "Wake me for the playoffs".

Player to watch: There will be a ton of pressure on Washington's talented but unproven young goaltender, whoever that happens to be on a given night.

Prediction: Just like last year, the top-seeded Capitals should be set to dominate just as long as they don't run into an elite European goaltender who can single-handedly…. oh. Oh man.

Other NHL superstars who wound up in the doghouse

The press box is way up there, huh?

After dominating headlines during the offseason, Ilya Kovalchuk was back in the news over the weekend. In a shocking move, rookie Devils' coach John MacLean made his $100 million winger a healthy scratch for the team's game against the Sabres.

The move has been debated heavily in recent days, with many observers questioning the strategy's effectiveness. General manager Lou Lamoriello has offered his support for MacLean's decision, although he refused to say whether he'd consider a similar move next week once he's head coach.

But while Kovalchuk may be the highest paid healthy scratch of all-time, he's far from the first elite player to be singled out by management. Below are a few examples of other NHL superstars who found themselves in their team's doghouse at some point in their careers.

January, 1996 - In an effort to get him to take on more of a leadership role, Bruins head coach Steve Kasper humiliates Cam Neely by benching him during a nationally televised game. To his credit, Neely responds positively the very next day by delivering a moving eulogy at the funeral of Steve Kasper.

March, 1998 - Canucks coach Mike Keenan calls captain Mark Messier into his office to explain that, while the league's policy on gambling may be open to interpretation, he still needs to stop constantly trying to bet his teammates that they can't eat just one.

January, 2004 - Enraged by Jason Spezza's inability to adhere to his defensive system, Jacques Martin is quickly restrained by his assistants after briefly displaying a facial expression.

February, 2009 - After becoming upset that his team isn't listening to him in practice, Mike Babcock's attempt at sarcasm fails when the team responds to his taunt of "maybe you all need to turn up your hearing aids" by agreeing that that's a pretty good idea and turning up their hearing aids.

December, 1987 - After chewing out franchise player Wayne Gretzky during a practice, Oilers' coach Glen Sather is accused by local media of doing the dumbest thing he could possibly do. He immediately vows to spend the rest of his managerial career proving them wrong.

January, 2006 - Penguins coach Michel Therrien grows frustrated when star player Mario Lemieux repeatedly responds to criticism by saying "Hey, good point, maybe you should call up the owner and let him know."

March, 1993 - Pat Burns shows that he doesn't play favourites when he briefly removes a slumping Doug Gilmour from the team's first line, although Gilmour does remain on the second, third, and fourth lines, both power play units, and the penalty kill.

September, 2010 - Outraged by his off-ice behaviour, Edmonton Oiler management informs a devastated Nikolai Khabibulin that effective immediately he will be forced to be their starting goaltender.

April, 1988 - Tired of his young franchise player's constant complaints about the quality of the roster, Red Wings general manager Jim Devellano angrily informs Steve Yzerman that being an NHL general manager isn't easy since it's not like other teams just call up and offer you star players for nothing.

July, 1995 - In an effort to "send a message" to the rest of the team, you briefly demote Jeremy Roenick from the first line during a game of NHL 95 even though it makes your big brother call you a spaz while punching you in the shoulder.

October, 2010 - The Islanders attempts to emulate the Devils by scratching their highest paid player prove fruitless when they are unable to figure out how to bench Alexei Yashin's buyout.

December, 1995 - In a strong statement that still resonates to this day, the Montreal Canadiens make it clear to Patrick Roy that the franchise will simply not tolerate championship-calibre goaltending.

Upcoming NHL records and milestones (2010-11)

And then I told Murray "of course
he'll actually try, I guarantee it!"

One of the fun parts of being a hockey fan is keeping an eye on the record book. The game has a long and storied past, and it's always fun to see a player accomplish something special.

Whether it's a record being broken or a milestone being reached, you never know when you're going to have the chance to witness a little bit of history. This year is shaping up to be no exception. Several marks have already been set, and many more are potentially on the way.

Here's a collection of some of the records and milestones that fans should be watching for as the season plays out.

Ottawa Senators - Are probably only about 10 or 15 games away from setting the all-time league record for most times being coached by Bryan Murray.

Joe Thornton - The Sharks forward is closing in on several milestones this season, including 1,000 points, 300 goals, 700 assists, and four playoff wins.

Ondrej Pavelec - Recently collapsed to the ice untouched while the action was 180 feet away, nearly breaking Daniel Carcillo's league record of 185 feet.

Chris Osgood - Is only three wins away from joining the exclusive "400 career wins despite being completely terrible" club.

Florida Panthers - Are just a dozen new subscribers away from setting a new all-time franchise record for season ticket holders, with a dozen.

Daniel Alfredsson and Alexei Kovalev - Both players entered the season within ten points of 1,000 for their careers, which based on current rates of production will give Senator fans a chance to celebrate one of the games most important milestones once.

Daniel Sedin - Is just 15 career points away from becoming the league's all-time leading scorer among players who look exactly like Daniel Sedin.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Recently set the record for largest annual percentage increase in wins in the opening three weeks of the season, or would have, if division by zero were possible.

Jacques Martin - The Canadiens bench boss will coach in the 1,200th game of his career in November. The occasion will be marked in a pre-game ceremony in which a bucket of paint will be dumped on the ice, after which fans in attendance will be encouraged to spend 60 minutes watching it dry.

Kris Draper - Is just four assists away from joining the "200 assists" club, which would probably be more impressive if he wasn't also a member of the "wait hasn't he played in like 9,000 games?" club.

Wade Redden - Recently became the AHL's all-time leader in career salary upon completion of his first shift.

Martin Brodeur - The legendary goalie trails Patrick Roy's career saves mark by roughly 900, and will have an opportunity to break the record during a game next week when he is the only player the Devils can afford to dress.

Sean Avery - Will break his own record for "most people simultaneously wanting to see a guy get punched in the face", presumably, since experts tell us that the global population continues to grow.

Zack Stortini - Recently broke the career record for Corsi qualcomp score, which come to think of it is a little bit suspicious given that he's also the only person on the planet who knows how to calculate it.

Patrick Kane - Recently set some sort of record for career shots, according to local bartenders.

Roberto Luongo - Has a chance to reach the 300-win plateau late in the season, which by that point will be pretty darn good for a backup.

Chris Pronger - Will not actually set any records or reach any milestones this season, but will somehow still wind up with all the other players' souvenir pucks.

Welcome to Loser City

The Stanley Cup is every player's ultimate goal. And since the only way to win it is by first earning a spot in the NHL playoffs, the post-season naturally becomes ever player's first and only priority.

Or at least, that's what they tell us. It turns out the players have a little secret: missing the playoffs isn't so bad.

Oh sure, it's going to be frustrating if you're a fiery competitor like Jarome Iginla. Luckily, Jarome has some new teammates this year, and they've let him in on how it really is:

If you don't visit Bloge Salming every day, Daniel Carcillo wins.

Bob Gainey interviews Jacques Martin: The secret transcript

Second round? Never heard of it.

The Montreal Canadiens have named Jacques Martin as their new head coach. And while this announcement has caught many off guard, it's no surprise to my top-secret DGB sources who tipped me off about it over the weekend.

In fact, I was able to obtain a full recording of Martin's interview with Montreal GM Bob Gainey. I think this explosive transcript will shed a lot of light on how Martin managed to land one of the most coveted jobs in sports.

Bob Gainey: Jacques, I want to thank you for coming in for this interview. Do you have any other commitments on your time today? As you can imagine, the interview process can be quite daunting for a job as prestigious as this one.

Jacques Martin: No problem, I'm willing to spend all day here if I need to.

Gainey: OK, great. First question: do you speak French?

Martin: Yes I do.

Gainey: Great. You're hired!

Martin: ... Um, sorry?

Gainey: You're hired. You nailed pretty much every qualification we have.

Martin: Oh.

Gainey: Is there a problem?

Martin: I just thought we were going to spend some time talking about my experience.

Gainey: Oh. Well, sure, I suppose we could do that. If you really want to.

Martin: Well, my coaching career began with the Blues. Then I spent nine years as the coach of the Ottawa Senators. And for the past five years I've been with the Florida Panthers.

Gainey: I don't remember you coaching the Blues.

Martin: Nobody does.

Gainey: OK, so let's skip that part and move on to Ottawa.

Martin: Well, with the Senators I was best known for accomplishing something that virtually no other active NHL coach has managed to do.

Gainey: Which was?

Martin: Losing to the Toronto Maple Leafs in the playoffs.

Gainey (nodding): Yeah, I think we all saw that one coming.

Martin: We lost to them four times, but the toughest one was in 2004. We made it to game seven, but then Patrick Lalime had an epic meltdown. We really believed that he was the guy who could backstop our team to a championship, but then he just imploded.

Gainey: So you're saying you have experience dealing with over-hyped goalies who choke in the playoffs?

Martin: Extensive experience.

Gainey: (Makes a big checkmark on his notepad)

Martin: Yeah.

Gainey: And what about your playoff experience since 2004?

Martin: You heard the part where I said I worked for the Florida Panthers, right?

Gainey: Sorry. My mistake. What about in St. Louis, what was your playoff record like there?

Martin: No idea. Like I said, nobody remembers me coaching the Blues.

Gainey: Fair enough. As you know, the media here in Montreal can be difficult. What sort of experience do you have dealing with the media?

Martin: Well, in Ottawa they were very difficult to deal with. They were constantly asking me for autographs, bringing me coffee, or just offering me random hugs and back rubs. But they could be nasty, too. Sometimes, when we choked in the playoffs against a team we should have easily beaten, somebody would actually write a negative article. They'd always apologize the next day and print a retraction, but still, it was pretty rough.

Gainey: And what about dealing with all the hockey media in Florida, was that difficult?

Martin: (Laughs)

Gainey: (Laughs)

Martin: So anyways, I'm sure I could handle the Montreal media. I have a well-tested strategy for working with the press.

Gainey: Which is?

Martin: I'm so incredibly boring that they all quit after fifteen minutes of listening to me.

Gainey: Well Jacques, I think you're our man. Do you have any questions for me?

Martin: Just one: Any update on the ownership situation?

Gainey: We're expecting an announcement soon, but I can't really say more than that.

Martin: Understood.

Gainey: You like Celine Dion music, right?

Martin: Um...