Homecoming week: Dany Heatley vs. Lebron James

Eventually, the "point to a douchebag"
contest was declared a draw.

Thursday will mark a homecoming night in two sports, as a pair of former franchise players make their heavily anticipated returns to the cities they abandoned.

In Cleveland, Lebron James and his Miami Heat will visit the Cavaliers for the first time since the NBA star memorably announced that he would take his talents to South Beach. North of the border, meanwhile, Dany Heatley and the Sharks will make their first appearance in Ottawa since the sniper demanded a trade last summer.

While there's certainly some overlap between the two situations and it will tempting to lump them together, they're far from identical. Here's a primer on some of the similarities as well as the subtle differences between the highly anticipated returns of Lebron James and Dany Heatley.

Lebron James: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Cleveland's reputation as "mind-numbingly boring" and "soul-crushingly dull" and "completely and utterly devoid of anything even slightly resembling a pulse".
Dany Heatley: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Ottawa's reputation as "a great option for people who can't handle the excitement of Cleveland".

Lebron James: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Cleveland was forced to reconsider the massive "We Are All Witness" banner that had dominated the downtown skyline since 2005.
Dany Heatley: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Ottawa was forced to reconsider the "Stanley Cup Champion" banners Daniel Alfredsson has been pre-ordering prior to every season since 1999.

Lebron James: By moving to Miami to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade, revealed himself to be an athlete so lacking in competitive fire that he'd be willing to passively ride another player's coattails to a championship.
Dany Heatley: By moving to San Jose to play second fiddle to Joe Thornton, revealed himself to be no such thing.

Lebron James: Diehard Cavalier fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he steps onto the court.
Dany Heatley: Diehard Senator fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he accidentally blocks their view of Spartacat's hot dog gun.

Lebron James: Explained his decision during an hour-long special broadcast on national television, outraging fans and media and doing significant damage to his well-crafted reputation.
Dany Heatley: Wisely avoided that scenario by never explaining his decision, to anyone, ever.

Lebron James: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Nike.
Dany Heatley: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Frankie's Used Car Emporium in Skokie, Illinois.

Lebron James: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "How will this effect my endorsement opportunities?" and "How will the local tax laws impact my earnings?"
Dany Heatley: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "This place isn't Edmonton, right?" and "No seriously, you're absolutely positive it's not Edmonton?"

Lebron James: Would famously make a handful of chalk disappear into thin air before every home game.
Dany Heatley: Would famously make $4 million of Eugene Melnyk's money disappear into thin air every Canada Day.

Lebron James: Was recently embroiled in further controversy after he appeared to lower his shoulder and initiate physical contact with his own coach.
Dany Heatley: Has never been accused of initiating physical contact with anybody.

Lebron James: Left as an unrestricted free agent, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.
Dany Heatley: Was traded for Milan Michalek and Jonathan Cheechoo, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.

Lebron James: Helped lead Cleveland to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007.
Dany Heatley: Helped lead Ottawa to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007, although if you're talking to a Senators fan it's easier to just pretend that you think accomplishments by a different team with the same name from 100 years ago still somehow count.

Lebron James: Along with Wade, made it a top priority to ensure that former Raptor power forward Chris Bosh would also sign a free agent deal in Miami.
Dany Heatley: Prefers to pick up his own coffee and dry-cleaning.

Revealed: The secrets behind the Maple Leafs turnaround

The unidentified fan was really
excited to meet Francois Beauchemin

The NHL's opening weekend yielded a healthy dose of surprises, with arguably none bigger than the Toronto Maple Leafs. After last season's disastrous October that saw the team manage only a single win, the Leafs have already surpassed that with a 2-0 start this year.

While it's obviously far too early to draw any meaningful conclusions about a team, there's no disputing that the Leafs have looked like a different squad over the season's first two games. And sources tell me that's no coincidence. Despite an offseason that seemed strangely quiet to many, the Maple Leafs have implemented several important changes that are paying off so far.

I spent the last several days speaking to players, coaches, executives and team employees. And while none wanted to go on the record, they provided me with several important reasons why the Leafs seem so much better in 2010.

• Unlike last season, we've had several lucky moments when a shot that was headed for our net was deflected away at the last moment by an NHL-calibre goaltender.
  
  
• After two years, we all suddenly realized that when Ron Wilson says "left" he means his left, not your left; the entire game plan makes way more sense now.
  
  
• While everyone else was watching a fan pour water from various lakes onto the ACC ice as part of our opening night ceremony, our trainer was busy pouring ebola-infected water from the Don River into opponents' water bottles.
  
  
• Wisely scheduled the first two games of the season against teams that aren't very good.
  
  
• The players have been inspired by the franchise's classy treatment of demoted veteran Jeff Finger, which has included hiring a lookalike to sit in the dressing room and say things like "No seriously, I'm the real Jeff Finger and they didn't actually demote me, why are you all being so weird about this?"
  
  
• Finally decided to just pause the game, access the options menu, and move the difficulty slider down a few notches.
  
  
• The team bonded after being traumatized by the crushing pre-season disappointment of learning that Nazem Kadri was somehow not yet ready to score on every single shift as a teenager.
  
  
• We wanted to make sure that local media had a chance to use their "plan the parade" jokes, since those are unfailingly creative and hilarious.
  
  
• The players have been inspired by the story of Mike Zigomanis earning a spot in the starting lineup out of training camp, presumably as part of some sort of reality series that gives people who've never played hockey before a chance to make an NHL team.
  
  
• Don't use my name on this because I really want to stay anonymous, but I've been extra motivated to play well so that my dad doesn't start calling up random newspapers again.
  
  
• As the franchise's new captain, Dion Phaneuf successfully quells any dressing room dissent by saying "You make an excellent point and I respect your opinion, so it's a real shame that I have to order Wendel Clark to kill you now."
  
  
• When we have the puck in our end we've been focusing on simple plays like "off the glass and out", instead of last year's strategy of "turn around and take a point-blank slapshot at your own goalie just to make sure he's paying attention".
  
  
• The team has rallied around their new team slogan, "Go on out there and win one for the concept of small sample size".
  
  
• MLSE has long had a well-known "don't bother trying to win, since we sell out every game" policy; after hearing a rumour that one fan was actually considering cancelling his season tickets, the board of governors held an emergency meeting and voted to switch to "OK, go ahead and start winning" mode.
  
  
• Long story short, it turns out the whole thing was Chris Bosh's fault.
  
  
• Kris Versteeg has been giving us motivational pre-game speeches about how amazing it was to win the Stanley Cup as a member of the Chicago Blackhawks before trailing off, looking slowly around the dressing room, putting his head in his hands and sobbing deeply.

A professional athlete's guide to Twitter

No really, we'd love to hear
more about your Belgian waffles.

Twitter is all the rage in the online world, and these days more and more professional athletes are joining the craze. From legends like new Miami Heat star Lebron James to fourth-liners like Coyote's enforcer Paul Bissonnette, it seems like every day brings a new headline someone from the sports world making news with their tweets.

But while sharing with fans may seem like a good idea, many athletes end up having a negative experience on the site. That's because there are several common mistakes that athletes make on Twitter, and those mistakes can cause serious damage to even the biggest star's reputation.

It doesn't have to be that way. So if you're a professional athlete who's thinking about joining Twitter, read on for some simple guidelines that will help you ensure that your time on the site is beneficial for both you and your fans.

Introduction
Launched in 2006, Twitter is a web site that allows hundreds of millions of users from around the world to look at pictures of a whale being carried by birds. On rare occasions, the site also allows users to share short updates called “tweets” with their followers.

By tweeting, you can keep fans up to date on what's happening in your career. Think of it as being just like getting to know your fans in person, except without all the paternity suits.

When to tweet
Fans are fascinated by the inner workings of professional sports, and especially love to get updates from inside the stadium or arena. However, use discretion to make sure you are only sharing information at appropriate times.

Good: Just finished warm up. Feeling good about our chances in tonight's game, and know that we will all give 100%.
Bad: In locker room. Team doctor says that despite the concussion symptoms, I should be fine to get back out there and banana toolbox salamander.
Worse: Leading the offensive rush across the Maple Leafs blueline. Hey, look, here comes Dion Phaneuf, I wonder if he'll want to [CONNECTION LOST].

What to tweet
Sports fans are fascinated by the day-to-day lives of professional athletes, so they'll appreciate updates about just about anything you happen to be doing at a particular moment. For example, you could tweet about what you're having for lunch. Just be aware of any unintended messages you may be sending.

Good: Just ordered a pizza, which is my favourite food because I'm a regular guy just like you.
Bad: Just ordered crowned rack of lamb, which is my favourite food because I'm like a million times better than you.
Worse: Just had my chef prepare my favourite meal: Baby seal heart wrapped in bacon, wrapped in $100 dollar bills, which are then wrapped in bacon.

Blocking users
Unfortunately, you will occasionally encounter users who are aggressive or obnoxious. While Twitter does have a “block” feature, using it is considered a breach of etiquette and will make you appear thin-skinned and petty. Instead simply send one of your bodyguards to their house to kill them.

Typos
Typos are common on Twitter, and generally aren't considered a big deal. If you realize you've made some, a simple apology and explanation will suffice.

Good: Sorry for all the typos. I'm not used to the keyboard on my new phone yet.
Bad: Sorry for all the typos. I haven't had to pay attention in any academic course since I was fourteen years old.
Worse: Sorry for all the typos. It's hard to type when your fingers are all swollen from years of HGH.

Using acronyms
When communicating online, users will often use abbreviations and acronyms. This is especially true on Twitter, where every character counts.

For example, one of the most common abbreviations is “LOL”, which stands for “laugh out loud”. When used properly, it indicates that there is something about the previous statement which you found humorous.

Good: The sick child I'm visiting in the hospital just told me his favourite knock-knock joke. LOL.
Bad: At training camp watching Albert Haynesworth try to do a sit up. LOL.
Worse: And then I told Jim Gray that I only made up my mind that morning. LOL.

In conclusion
The world of Twitter can be confusing for beginners. By following these simple guidelines, you can make sure your time on the site is an enriching experience for both you and your fans.

And when in doubt, remember the one golden rule for professional athletes on Twitter: Just look at what Chris Bosh is doing.

Then do the exact opposite.

Welcome to Loser City

The Stanley Cup is every player's ultimate goal. And since the only way to win it is by first earning a spot in the NHL playoffs, the post-season naturally becomes ever player's first and only priority.

Or at least, that's what they tell us. It turns out the players have a little secret: missing the playoffs isn't so bad.

Oh sure, it's going to be frustrating if you're a fiery competitor like Jarome Iginla. Luckily, Jarome has some new teammates this year, and they've let him in on how it really is:

If you don't visit Bloge Salming every day, Daniel Carcillo wins.