The 10 types of Leaf fans (and how to deal with them)

Blake has how many years left?

If you're a Leaf fan, you're not reading this because it's too hard to make out the words when your eyes are encrusted by day-old tears of blood.

But what if you're not a Leaf fan? Well, two things. First, lucky you. And second, there's a good chance you'll still have to deal with one of us eventually. And that's bad news, because these days Leaf fans are probably the most pathetic and depressing group of people you could imagine.

We know it. And we know that it has to be awkward to run into one of us. After all, what can you say? What could you possibly do to make one of wretched souls feel better about this mess? How can you avoid accidentally saying the wrong thing and winding up with your picture on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper?

It's not easy. But there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a Leafs fan these days. And the crucial first step is to figure out what type of Leaf fan you're dealing with. After all, we're a pretty varied group.

I'm here to help. So I've created this handy guide that separates Leafs nation into ten distinct groups. Use this information to figure out what type of fan you've encountered, and then follow my advice to avoid making a bad situation even worse.

Mr. Mood Swing
Description - This guy's entire mood is based around the most recent Leaf game. Or period. Or shift. When they win, he's convinced everything could still be OK. When they lose, he's despondent. When they lose in overtime, he's not sure how to feel. Thanks, Bettman.
How to recognize him - The wall behind his television has a lot of beer bottle sized holes in it.
What to do if you see one - Assuming the Leafs recently lost (and let's face it, they did), pull the fire alarm and flee the building.

The Self Loather
Description - This guy hates himself, and wants to be miserable. He craves pain, since its icy sting is the only thing that reminds him he's alive. So naturally, he's chosen to become a Leafs fan.
How to recognize him - You'll find him in his natural habitat: writing positive comments on Damien Cox blog posts.
What to do if you see one - This is the only type of Leaf fan that you're allowed to discuss the most recent loss with. Also, make a mental note to buy him Leafs Abomination for Christmas.

"Truculence" Guy
Description - A small but tragic group. Due to an acute exposure level to off-season Brian Burke soundbites, they're no longer able to form a complete sentence without using the word "truculence". (Note: Every single Leaf fan went through this phase in September, but most have pulled out of it.)
How to recognize him - He owns a Colton Orr jersey.
What to do if you see one - Do not, under any circumstances, ask him what the word means. He doesn't know, and you might wind up getting your face Matt Carkner-ized.

"Just One Cup" Guy
Description - This fan has already cut a deal: he wants to see the Leafs win one Stanley Cup before he dies. Just one. This little Faustian bargain gives him a sense of inner peace since he knows he has time, and the laws of probability, working in his favor.
How to recognize him - He says things like "wait 'til next decade".
What to do if you see one - Ask him if he enjoyed Bill Simmons' "Now I Can Die in Peace", which he's guaranteed to have read.

"Just One Cup" Guy Who's Getting Older
Description - A subset of the "Just One Cup" Guy group, this Leaf fan is between the ages of 30 and 42. He's never seen the Leafs win a Cup, but always just assumed that he would some day. But now he's getting older, he's sore in the morning for no reason, and he has hair growing out of his ears. And he's starting to worry.
How to recognize him - Every time the Leafs lose, he does an hour on the treadmill.
What to do if you see one - Tell him you read a fascinating article about cryonic suspension.

The Youngster
Description - This Leaf fan is young. He vaguely remembers the Pat Burns era, has no memory of Harold Ballard, and is still getting used to not having Mats Sundin around.
How to recognize him - He doesn't have that beaten-down Mel Gibson mugshot look in his eyes that every other Leaf fan does.
What to do if you see one - Leave him alone. He'll be miserable like the rest of us in a few years.

The Bandwagon Jumper
Description - This guy is a diehard Leaf fans... as long as they're winning. He loved the Burns era, and was a big fan of Pat Quinn. He has no idea that Kirk Muller ever played for the Leafs, but he owns three Doug Gilmour jerseys. He swears he's a Leaf fan, but admits that he also has a few other favorite teams. He probably cheered for the Senators in 2007.
How to recognize him - Right now? You won't.
What to do if you see one - Stab him. Repeatedly.

The Fixer
Description - This guy wants the Leafs to win, and they would, dammit, if they'd just listen to him. He has the blueprint all laid out. And he wants to tell you all about it. In detail.
How to recognize him - He's probably posting a trade proposal thread at hfboards.com right now.
What to do if you see one - Listen patiently to his explanation of why a Stajan/Blake/White package could probably land Ilya Kovalchuk and a pick, nod pensively, then encourage him to phone a radio call-in show to reach a wider audience.

The Delusional Idiot
Description - This fan sincerely believes that the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup every year. No matter how bad things are, how thin the roster, how glaringly obvious the holes are to anyone who can breathe through their nose -- this guy is utterly convinced that ultimate glory is right around the corner. He thinks that nobody associated with the Leafs can do any wrong, and will never criticize the team. When the team wins two games in a row, this pathetic loser runs around shouting "Plan the parade!"
How to recognize him - You won't. He's a fictional character created by Howard Berger.
What to do if you see one - Tell him to say hi to the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Berger's limo driver.

The Realist
Description - This guy is a true blue fan. But unlike the unfair various stereotypes of the passionate fan, he's still able to view the world objectively. His longterm outlook isn't clouded by short-term emotional swings, but rather by a steeley-eyed realism based on a rational analysis of the Toronto Maple Leafs' current performance and chances for future success.
How to recognize him - He shot himself after the Calgary game.
What to do if you see one - Try to wait until after the holidays before you hit on his girlfriend.

NHL 10: An early review

Tuesday is one of the biggest days on an NHL fan's calendar: the release of NHL 10, the latest version of EA Sports' NHL series.

It goes without saying that a blogger as important and popular as I am would be sent an advance reviewer's copy. I had a chance to give it a try over the weekend, and the results were mixed.

Bugs
Let's get the bad news out of the way first. I'm not sure if this game was rushed onto shelves without enough time for testing, but there are a ton of bugs that simply should have been caught.

• Simming ahead several years in franchise mode can lead to unrealistic results. For example, I simmed ahead to 2011, and the game listed one of the teams as playing in "Phoenix".
  
  
• In Front Office mode, the "fire general manager" option is permanently greyed out for the New York Rangers.
  
  
• Somebody at EA needs to seriously prune the roster file to clear out guys who haven't even been in skates for years. This year's game still has guys like Jason Allison and Theo Fleury kicking around.
  
  
• While the post-whistle scrums are a nice addition, they don't feel realistic because announcer Jim Hughson fails to break into an overwrought lecture about how terrible they are.
  
  
• The financial AI is just terrible. Teams like Chicago, Boston and Philadelphia kept signing players to contracts that would clearly ruin their long-term salary cap situation.
  
  
• AI-controlled teams occasionally make roster moves they'd never make in real life. For example, in one sim I noticed the Leafs had signed another team's RFA, which of course is ridiculous since Brian Burke hates when teams do that.
  
  
• While experimenting with the GM mode, I attempted to trade a star player to Edmonton. The deal was accepted, but when I checked the Oilers roster immediately afterwards, the star player was there.

Cheats
What major video game release these days doesn't come with a few cheats and easter eggs? Sure enough, NHL 2010 has its share.

• When you're prompted to enter your name on the opening screen, type in "Jim Balsillie" to unlock an extended slideshow of Gary Bettman giving you the finger.
  
  
• If you manage to win the Stanley Cup, hit "exit" before the handshake line finishes. When you enter the off-season, the game's musical soundtrack will be replaced by the sound of Red Wings fans crying. (Note: there is apparently no undo for this feature.)
  
  
• Enter your name as "Howard Berger" on the opening screen, and then sim a season. All 82 of your games will be scheduled during the month of November.
  
  
• Inspired by the legendary NBA Jam series, NHL 10 includes a hilarious "tiny mode" in which all the regular players on a team are comically shrunk down to a fraction of their normal size. To enable this mode, go to the Team Select screen and choose "Montreal Canadiens".

New features
Now for the good stuff. As fans have come to expect, this year's version comes packed with new and enhanced features.

• The much-hyped "first person fighting" mode is every bit as good as advertised. When you throw a perfectly timed uppercut that connects with your unsuspecting opponent's face, you can actually see the blood splatter onto the cab's dashboard.
  
  
• The game includes an interesting new feature called "Ask Burkie". You can type in any hockey question, and a simulated Brian Burke will provide an answer. Unfortunately, due to an apparent programming error the screen lacks an "exit" button, and Burke just keeps talking and talking non-stop. Even removing the CD and unplugging the system doesn't help. I eventually had to burn my Xbox and bury the ashes in the backyard to get him to be quiet.
  
  
• In a neat bit of crossover promotion, the game will check your hard drive for any Resident Evil saved game files. If it finds any, it will replace the final zombie boss with Chris Chelios.
  
  
• The "Be A Player" mode is super realistic. In my first game against Toronto I lightly nudged one of the Leafs' skill players, and the game immediately cut to a full-motion video montage of my funeral.
  
  
• The all new board play is great fun. You can get a puck to an open teammate by using the new "kick-pass" button. In addition, when controlling Martin Havlat you can also use the "kick-groin" button.
  
  
• Players can now snatch a puck out of the air with their glove hand (note: feature does not apply to Andrew Raycroft).
  
  
• Finally, the game features an intriguing new mode in which two teams can play each other up to seven consecutive times, with the first team to win four games advancing on to play a different team. As a Leaf fan I thought this was really unqiue and creative, and hope the real NHL implements something similar in the future.

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If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:

• The Leafs' secret Facebook feed
  
• Brian Burke mic'd at the draft: What TSN didn't show you
  
• How to fight when you don't want to fight
• And don't forget to follow DGB on twitter

A look ahead at the Maple Leafs 2009-10 schedule

The Maple Leafs 2009-2010 schedule was released today. And since we already have a pretty good idea what all the rosters will look like next year, that means I could spend the afternoon loading everything into the top-secret DGB supercomputer to find out what will happen.

After several hours of flashing lights and whirring noises, I had my answer. Based on today's schedule, here are several highlights from the upcoming Leafs season.

(Warning: The following contains spoilers. If you want to be surprised, stop reading now.)

October 1 - The Leafs play the Montreal Canadiens in the season opener. Sadly, the traditional intermission "timbits" game is ruined when Bob Gainey wanders onto the ice and offers everyone contracts.

October 3 - The Leafs head to Washington. Hoping to catch the Capitals off guard, Ron Wilson gives Justin Pogge the surprise start in net. In a related story, Alexander Ovechkin becomes the first player in the league to reach the 50 goal mark.

October 10 - The Leafs host the Stanley Cup champion Penguins. Unfortunately, Evgeni Malkin and Tyler Kennedy are forced to miss the game after coming down with a bad case of the Schenn Flu.

October 17 - The Leafs host the Rangers, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I know some fans don't support me," says Heatley, "but I'm just thrilled to be playing hockey again."

October 17 - 24 - After a gruelling half-month of hockey, the NHL's schedule makers decide that the Leafs need a full week off. Gary Bettman defends the move by explaining "We sensed that fans were really starting to get excited about hockey, and wanted to nip that in the bud."

November 1 - 30 - The Leafs play 13 games during the month. Ron Wilson calls for a stick measurement in every single one, just to annoy Howard Berger.

November 13 - The Leafs head to Chicago for their only game of the season against their longtime rivals. In other Blackhawk news, Dale Tallon starts to get a sinking feeling that he forgot to register his kids for school.

December 7 - Nik Antropov and Pavel Kubina return to Toronto as members of the Atlanta Thrashers. After hours of answering questions about what it was like to play in Toronto, how exciting it was to play in a city that cares about hockey, and how difficult it is now to play in front of so few fans, they finally tell Ilya Kovalchuk to just be quiet and wait for free agency.

December 9 - The Leafs host the Islanders. During an intermission interview, John Tavares attempts to blink out a message asking someone to come rescue him.

December 14 - In a game that recalls the infamous "Flu Game" of 2004, the Leafs are awarded a forfeit win after the Ottawa Senators refuse to take the ice in what will later be known as the "Schenn Flu Game".

December 16 - The Leafs host the Phoenix Coyotes. Jim Balsillie buys every ticket, sits in the front row, and spends the entire game lighting cigars with $100 bills while giving the camera the finger.

December 26 - The Leafs host the Montreal Canadiens on Boxing Day. That ends up being somewhat ironic, since there are several incidents of fisticuffs during the game. And also because every player on the Canadiens goes home in a pine box.

January 8 - The Leafs kick off a four-game homestand with a game in Buffalo.

January 26 - The LA Kings make their only visit to Toronto. Brian Burke leaves early, presumably to catch a flight as he's seen dragging a heavy duffel bag out of the arena. In an unrelated story, the Kings report that Brayden Schenn has gone missing.

January 29 - February 5 - The Leafs play Jacques Lemaire and the Devils three times in one week. Leaf fans look back fondly on that comparatively thrilling week in October when there weren't any games.

February 8 - The Leafs host the Sharks, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "It's unfortunate that things didn't work out in New York," Heatley says, "but I'm happy to be in San Jose because I'm all about the team."

February 12 - The NHL breaks for the Olympics games, a grueling three-week tournament featuring the very best players from around the world. Or, as the entire Maple Leafs roster calls it, "February".

March 11 - The Leafs host the Lightning, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I really think this will be a good fit," Heatley says. "When do the world championships start?"

March 13 - Prior to playing the Leafs, the Edmonton Oilers assure everyone that they're still totally in on the Dany Heatley sweepstakes.

April 4 - The World Health Organization declares Schenn Flu to be a global pandemic. They advise anyone who has ever thought about bodychecking a Leafs player to remain in an underground bunker for the next 15-20 years.

April 7 - The Maple Leafs are mathematically eliminated from the 2011 playoffs.

April 10 - On their way back to Toronto after the season finale, the Leafs stop at a McDonalds drivethru and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I really think I handled everything well this year," says Heatley. "Would you like fries with that?"

Would you trade our next two firsts for Tavares?

So Brian Burke says he's trading for John Tavares. Cool. So now that we know who the Leafs are drafting, we can turn to the question of what it will cost them.

Howard Berger floats the first possibility in his blog today:

...the Leafs’ first-round pick [No. 7 overall]; at least one second-round pick; Luke Schenn, and a wad of cash [i.e. taking an existing contract off the Islanders’ roster]?

Now most Leafs fans aren't interested in hearing Schenn's name in trade talks, and that includes me. But Berger's on the right track here, because the price for moving up will be skyhigh. So let's swap out Schenn for an asset of comparable value: the Leafs' first pick in next year's draft.

Would you be willing to move the Leafs first round picks both this year and next as part of a deal to move up to get Tavaras? I floated the idea over at PPP earlier today and the initial response wasn't positive. Too steep, some said.

Wrong.

If the Islanders were willing to move the Tavares pick for a pair of firsts and some other secondary assets (and there's no reason yet to believe they would), Burke should pull the trigger and not look back.

The bottom line is that guys like John Tavares don't come around often. No, he's not a once-in-a-generation talent like Gretzky or Lemieux or maybe even Crosby. But he's no Patrick Stefan either. Tavares is an elite prospect who most seem to consider to be about as close to a sure thing as any developing 18-year-old can be.

Burke is making noise about the playoffs next year, which suggests he thinks next year's pick may be in the mid-teens. Maybe, although I'm not buying that until I see some serious roster turnover. But let's assume he's wrong, and the team is just as bad next year as they were this season, maybe even a little worse. Let's say they wind up in that same 5-10 zone they've been stuck in lately.

Would you deal two picks in that 5-10 zone for a #1? Yes, absolutely.

Think of it this way: Would you rather have Alex Ovechkin, or Blake Wheeler and Devin Setoguchi? Would you prefer Sidney Crosby, or Setoguchi and Phil Kessel? Rick Nash, or Joffrey Lupul and Thomas Vanek? Vincent Lecavalier, or Nik Antropov and Tim Connolly?

I'm guessing you wouldn't. Maybe you'd think about the Nash deal. But you'd laugh at the others.

Those are the last four players that came into the league with as much hype as Tavares. And the proposed deals include the best players who were taken 5-through-10 in their draft year and the one after.

All of this is a bit of a silly way to make the point that the dropoff from a stud #1 to the next tier of high first rounders is often steep.

Maybe it's not a fair comparison. Some of those drafts were more top-heavy than this year, which should produce some very good players in the later half of the top ten. But again, I took the best 5-through-10 player I could find from each draft -- needless to say, there were also several duds picked in those spots.

Let's be clear: the two first rounders on their own wouldn't be enough. But they could form the core of a solid offer, and it's safe to assume that if the Islanders were interested then a handful of extra picks and/or salary dumps wouldn't get in Burke's way.

We've all heard the sermon about building patiently and holding on to draft picks at all costs. That's a good strategy under normal circumstances. But the chance to land Tavares isn't normal circumstances. If there's a chance to make it happen and Brian Burke needs to load up both barrels, then Leaf fans should be cheering him on all the way.

Top 10 Leafs moments of 2008-09

While General Borschevsky largely beat me to the punch on this with his excellent rundown of The Top Ten Leaf Games of the Year, I'm taking a slightly different approach with my list. The idea here is to capture the ten best moments on the Leafs season.

A note: While I haven't limited the list to just on-ice plays, I've only included moments that Leafs fans could have actually witnessed. So things like "Burke accepts GM's job" or "Leafs sign Tyler Bozak" or "somebody tells Damien Cox to start doing video blogs or he's fired" won't be on the list.

#10 - Schenn destroys Vermette

This was one of the first signs that the Leafs really had something in Luke Schenn. Well, that and the way all the statues in Toronto cried tears of blood when he was drafted.

The Senators later traded Vermette for violating the team's strict "never be involved in any physical contact" rule.

#9 - Moore's stickless breakaway

Even though they didn't score, two things about this Dominic Moore "breakaway" get it a spot on the list. First, it was something I'd never seen before in 25+ years as a hockey fans. And second, it may have helped convince the Sabres that it would be a good idea to trade a high draft pick for Dominic Moore. Oops.

Hey, speaking of inanimate objects being brilliantly kicked around...

#8 - Wilson vs Berger

Leaf fans threw in the towel on Berger earlier in the year after he wrote a bizarre blog post insulting fans and bragging about how much money he makes. But fans got the last laugh when Berger was eviscerated by Ron Wilson in a post-game press conference for suggesting that late season Leafs games didn't matter.

On the subject of one-sided fights..

#7 - Mayers vs Kotsopoulos

Everyone remembers Tom Kotsopoulos' attempted murder on Mike Van Ryn. In the next game between the two teams, the only question was which Leaf would be first in line for payback. Jamal Mayers won the race, narrowly beating out Brad May who decided to beat up the next Canadien who made eye contact with him instead.

Later that same game...

#6 - Grabovski flips off Habs fans

I'm on record as not being a fan of Grabosvki's whole "hold me back" routine, which ended with him getting a three-game suspension for his tickle-fight with a linesman. That's not the moment I'm recognizing here.

But all that said, his flip off to Habs fans gets funnier every time you see it. This would seem bush league if anyone else did it, but Grabovski already seems like such an annoying little dink that it somehow ends up being high comedy.

Incidentally, Grabovski later explained that he held up two fingers at Habs fans to signal how many of their players would later be found to be palling around with mobsters.

#5 - Hagman's shift

Fall down, get hit in the face with the puck, deke out entire team, score. Not sure what the big deal was, actually, since I do two of those things pretty much every shift I take.

Bonus points for completely no-selling the celebration. If that had been Jason Blake, he'd still be fist-pumping like a teenage boy who just got internet access for the first time.

#4 - Schenn destroys Malkin

Here's a few tips about playing against Luke Schenn:

1. Keep your head up.
2. If you fail to follow rule #1, check to see if you're still alive.
3. If so, warn your teammates not to try to fight Luke Schenn because he will kill them.

Malkin, needless to say, goes 0-for-3.

Luke Schenn's left hand is the second worst thing to ever happen to a Kennedy's skull.

#3 - Fans say "thank you" to Mats Sundin

My thoughts on Sundin are well known to readers. But it can still be said that the Leafs handled his return perfectly, and this ovation was as memorable as it was well-deserved.

I can't remember whether the Leafs won that night. I must have blocked it out for some reason.

#2 - Curtis Joseph's final stand

In a Leafs season that was about watching for signs of a future, it was nice to have a chance to say an on-ice goodbye to one of most important players in recent franchise history. We got that chance during the bizarre game against the Caps that saw Curtis Joseph play six minutes, make 87 saves, punch Alex Ovechkin in the throat, and score the shootout winner.

Years from now, we will all agree to pretend this was Cujo's final appearance with the Leafs.

#1 - Wendel Clark's banner is raised

This one probably won't come as much of a surprise to anyone since as you may know, I kind of like Wendel Clark.

What? No, don't be silly man, I'm just having some trouble with a contact lens. Anyone have a tissue?

Honorable mentions: The Gilmour ceremony, Brad May's 1000th game, Nikolai Kulemin scoring his first NHL goal on a nice backhand-forehand move that we'd later learn was the only one he has, Johnny Mitchell single-handedly beating the Rangers, Brian Burke watching a fight with binoculars, and the three dozen ridiculous highlight reel goals the Leafs managed to score in shootouts without ever actually winning one.

The Toronto Maple Leafs in the community

Our friends at PPP had a nice writeup about Luke's Troops, a program in which Leafs' rookie Luke Schenn donates a pair of seats for each game to a member of the Canadian Armed Forces returning home from service.

While this program is certainly admirable, it got me wondering about what other types of charitable donations and community service the Leafs are up to. So after making a few phone calls, I've compiled this list of programs that current and recent members of the Maple Leafs organization are involved in.

Burkie's Boys
A local orphanage receives a donation of a nickel every time Leafs GM Brian Burke makes a media appearance. Note: shortly after the trade deadline, the orphanage relocated to a small Caribbean island they'd purchased.

Howard Helps Out
Leafs beat reporter Howard Berger donates his time to the local sick kids hospital. This program has been dormant for several months, since Berger did all his giving in November when it actually mattered.

Fergie's Friends
Selected charities are given the opportunity to approach former Leafs GM John Ferguson with a request for what they feel would be a fair donation. Ferguson then immediately responds by offering them triple that amount, every year, for all of eternity.

It Could Be Worse
Victims of serious car crashes, workplace accidents and other life-altering injuries are shown videos of Wendel Clark fighting guys like Dave Mackey, Slava Fetisov and Bob Brooke, and come away realizing that things could be a lot worse.

The Martin Gerber Second Chance Program
Out-of-work derelicts who have been deemed unemployable due to a lack of marketable skills are given an opportunity to work again. Note: Gerber himself is not actually involved in this charity; it's named after him because he was the program's first recipient.

Kyle's Kupboard
This popular program by former Leaf Kyle Wellwood encouraged fans to drop potato chips and candy bars into a large box near Wellwood's locker. While nobody's sure exactly which food bank received the donations, they obviously worked fast because by the next day there was never anything left but empty wrappers and crumbs.

The Mats Sundin "Entire Journey" Program
This program was established by Mats Sundin when he first arrived in Toronto fifteen years ago. As of today, no final decision has been made on the campaign's format, goals and participants.

Pogge's Posse
Young fans who would otherwise have only a slim hope of ever being part of a Maple Leafs game at the ACC are invited to spend some time commiserating with Marlie's goalie Justin Pogge, who informs them that he can definitely relate.

Gabbing with Grabby
Mikhail Grabovski speaks at local high schools, reminding socially challenged kids that it's still possible to be marginally successful in your chosen career even though you're generally creepy and weird and everybody you meet feels a strong urge to punch you.

Blake's Buddies
Jason Blake speaks to cancer patients about his own battle with the disease, giving practical advice such as "Make sure you sign your $20M contract before the final tests come back," and "Look on the bright side, at least this will give everyone something to talk about instead of your albinoism".

The NHL's Revenue Sharing Program
Don't spend it all in one place, Phoenix.

Habitat for Kubanity
Leafs defenceman Pavel Kubina performs advocacy work on behalf of Toronto's many homeless squatters, due to his deep personal empathy for people who absolutely refuse to leave a hopeless situation even though it's obvious that nobody wants them there anymore.

Rolling the Dice With Dominic
Buffalo Sabres forward Dominic Moore returns to Toronto periodically to lecture on the dangers of gambling, delivering a moving speech called "How trying to get a little more money can unexpectedly result in you winding up stuck in a terrible hellhole that reeks of misery and hopelessness".

Mike Van Ryn Inspirational Hospital Visits
In an attempt to raise spirits and bring a sense of hope to a difficult situation, local children go to the hospital to visit Mike Van Ryn.

The myth of "false hope"

Leaf fans' two favorite keyboard-bangers are singing from the same hymn book this week:

Damien Cox:

All the Luke Schenn hype in the world isn't going to change that, and isn't it a shame the Leafs are determined to use such a quality prospect to deliver a public relations message?

Howard Berger:

In a carefully crafted effort, the Maple Leafs have hyped and boosted rookie Luke Schenn in virtually every public forum during the first two-plus weeks of the season ... As for the legion of fans in this city, the Leafs understand how readily they have bought false hope through the years, so that isn’t about to change.

I have a question.

I thought Leaf fans were dumb zombies who keep pushing through the turnstiles every night no matter how bad the team is? That makes it largely our fault that the Leafs are never any good, because MLSE doesn't need to build a good team since they'll just keep getting rich off of all the mindless sheep.

I'm pretty sure I've read that somewhere recently... about a thousand times.

So if Leaf fans are so dumb that we fill the building every night, buy up jerseys and watch every game no matter what... why exactly would the Leafs need to feed us false hope?

Why would we need any kind of hope at all? I thought that was the whole point of all the fan-bashing over the years -- that we don't care how hopeless the team is, we keep plopping down our money anyways.

Now it seems like the argument has flipped 180 degrees -- now Leaf fans are demanding and insist on seeing a light at the end of tunnel, so MLSE has to construct this elaborate facade around Luke Schenn in order to keep the fans happy.

I've said it before: nobody should want a media full of homers, because then you wind up with everything-is-sunbeams-and-puppies fans like Ottawa had for so many years. A media that holds the team accountable is a good thing, and Toronto fans are lucky to have one. This team deserves some honest criticism, and I'm usually one of the first in line to dish it out.

But if you're going to criticize the Leafs, their management or even their fans, you need to pick a lane. You can't tell them to do one thing, then complain when they do exactly what you suggest. You can't say Leaf fans love negative coverage one week, then say they hate it the next week. You can't say Leaf fans aren't demanding enough, then turn around and say the team can't rebuild because fans won't accept it.

If you do those things, readers start to figure out that you're just playing games. And then they realize you probably don't mean most of what you say at all. And then they start to feel foolish for falling for your act.

And then they tune out, and start getting their Leaf coverage from better sources.

A tale of two GMs

It's been well-documented that the Toronto media won't let a little thing like consistency get in the way of bashing the Leafs. Damien Cox constantly contradicts himself, and was at it again this week.

Just a week ago he was ever so eager to point out that "Columbus probably won't keep (Nikita) Filatov in the bigs this season", in support of his well-documented opposition to Luke Schenn seeing any time with the Leafs. This week, he sniffled that "it's nice that Alex Pietrangelo, Zach Bogosian and Drew Doughty get to start in the NHL this fall, but that has no bearing on the Leafs and Schenn".

Why does it have no bearing? Because "nobody will even notice what those kids are doing right or wrong in those towns". Not like it would be in a hockey-crazed town like Toronto. Or, um, Columbus.

(Wait, I thought Toronto wasn't a tough place to play? Ah, never mind.)

But even at this very best, Cox has still had to go a full 24 hours before changing his mind. He's never been able to manage the theoretical Holy Grail of moronic Leaf reporting: changing his mind within a single column.

Well, move over Damien. Because Howard Berger is here, and he's gone beyond what anyone could have imagined possible.

(Fletcher) finds himself in the most envious position of any GM in the history of the club. His lucrative contract, at post-retirement age 73, expires next August, prior to the 2009-10 NHL season, and he therefore has almost no burden to engender an improved product on his watch. It is the complete antithesis of the crushing strain felt on a minute-to-minute basis by Ferguson...

I'm going to pause so you can read that again. Think it over. See any problems there?

Let's summarize:

Cliff Fletcher, who has a contract for the upcoming season only and no job security after that: "almost no burden to engender an improved product on his watch", giving him "the most envious position of any GM in the history of the club"

John Ferguson Jr, who had a contract for the upcoming season only and no job security after that: "crushing strain felt on a minute-to-minute basis"

Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe Howard Berger has just changed his mind within the same paragraph. He literally describes two completely identical scenarios, then claims that they're the "antithesis" of each other.

The bar has been raised. The gauntlet has been thrown down. There is only one height left to scale. We need to see a Toronto sportswriter contradict themself in the same sentence.

I know, you're saying it's impossible. Well, they said the same about hitting 70 home runs or a sub-9.70 100 metres. Do not underestimate the talent we're dealing with here.

I really think this can happen. Do it Damien!

Introducing Maple Leaf Media Cliche Bingo!

With training camp in full swing and the new season almost upon us, the usual Maple Leaf media suspects are back in action.

Yes, it's time for yet another season of fan-bashing, well-worn cliches, recycled one-liners and decade-old material that will make Leaf fans want to slam their heads with a car door.

But as long-time readers know, I've always been one of those positive, ray-of-sunshine types. So this year I decided to make reading about the Leafs fun again.

Down Goes Brown is pleased to announce Maple Leafs Media Cliche Bingo.

Click for the full-size version.

How to play: Print out a few copies of the card. Feel free to distribute to friends, re-post on other sites, staple to downtown sign posts, etc. But please do not find high-traffic newspaper boxes and insert the cards into the sports section of major Toronto dailies. That would be wrong.

Once you have your card, simply read your favorite Leafs beat writer or columnist and cross off the squares as you go. Once you've made a bingo, celebrate by calling the writer's voicemail and yelling "Nice work, you unoriginal cliche-spewing hack!"

Which writer will be the first to score a bingo? How long will it take? Will anyone fill their entire card over the course of the season? Will Berger and Cox wage a Brady/Manning-like rivalry all year long? And will anyone manage the holy grail: Getting a bingo with one single article?

See? You're excited about the season already, aren't you?

The myth of the fickle Leafs fan

I wound up having an interesting discussion with Steve over at hockeyanalysis.com this afternoon. Among the topics we covered was how Leaf fans would react to a rebuilding effort. You can find the full discussion here.

(By the way, if you're a Leaf fan and you don't have leafs.hockeyanalysis.com on your list of sites to check regularly, add it now. There's a lot of great stuff there.)

Anyways, I made a point that I've made elsewhere before, but not on this blog. Here's the gist of it.

There are two common criticisms that are levelled at Leaf fans. These come up fairly often in general, and have been almost constant this year.

• Criticism #1: Leaf fans share much of the blame for the team's lack of success. If they rose up and demanded excellence then ownership would have to respond, but because they keep filling the building every night, there's no motivation for the team to improve and nothing will ever change.
  
  Damien Cox is the undisputed champion of this argument, but he's far from alone. Many have also compared Leaf fans unfavorably to Habs fans, who would never show up in droves to support a loser. Pension Plan Puppets looked at the numbers and found that there's actually no truth at all to that theory, but don't expect it to go away any time soon.
  
  Bottom line: Leaf fans end up being perhaps the only fanbase in sports history to be criticized for selling out the building and supporting the team through good times and bad.
  
  
• Criticism #2: Leaf fans wouldn't accept an honest-to-goodness rebuilding effort. They're all about the quick fix and won't stand for a short-term stay at the bottom of the standings even if it meant long-term gain.
  
  Sometimes this argument is made as a straightforward observation (as was the case in Steve's posts in the discussion linked above). More often, it's accompanied by an unstated but obvious implication: Leaf fans don't have the sophistication to understand how the league works. They're too dumb and impatient to let the team do what it needs to do.

Let's put aside the question of whether either of those arguments are valid, or even fair. We know they're out there, we hear and read them all the time.

Now I don't want to go all Lt. Kaffee on you, but here's my question:If Leaf fans are gullible sheep who won't hesitate to embrace a loser, and they'll pack the building every night regardless of whether the team is good or even competitive... why wouldn't they accept a rebuilding effort?

It doesn't make sense. We've heard for years about how Leaf fans are too dumb to demand a winner. But now, on the verge of a long-needed rebuilding effort, we're supposed to believe that the fans will rise up and demand a contender?

Sorry, folks. I know there's lots of fun to be had and money to be made by bashing Leafs fans. Some of it is no doubt deserved. But on this issue, at least, you need to pick a lane.

These are the days of Tomas Kaberle's NTC

Let's recap what we know about Tomas Kaberle's no-trade clause (NTC).

Nothing, apparently.

Well, that's not completely true. We've heard plenty about it over the years. Let's walk through the timeline:

- When he signed his deal, there was confusion over whether it included a NTC. Shortly after resigning, he was heavily rumored to be part of a package headed to Edmonton for Chris Pronger. Perhaps due to confusion caused by those rumors (his NTC wouldn't kick in until his old deal expired), several reports listed Kaberle as not having a no-trade clause.

- Except that... Kaberle did have an NTC. So over the past year, the articles started listing Kaberle as a member of the NTC brigade, just like Sundin, McCabe and Tucker.

- Except that... Over the weekend, a handful of reports began to mention that there was a crucial exemption to the clause, and that Kaberle could be traded during the summer following a non-playoff season. In other words, he was safe at the deadline but could be moved after this season. The obvious implication was that he may be more likely to waive his clause now if the right deal came along, since he'd lose all control in a few months.

- Except that... Today, Howard Berger is reporting that this exemption on Kaberle's no-trade clause doesn't kick in until the final year of the deal -- meaning he's safe through 2010.

My head hurts.

Hey, here's a question: How is it possible that nobody knows this stuff?

The problem isn't limited to Kaberle. Pavel Kubina's clause may not be a blanket no-trade -- it may only allow him to specify a limited number of teams he could be dealt to. Or maybe not. It depends which article you're reading on which day.

And here's the twist: I don't think this is a media problem. Those guys get kicked around plenty (including here) and it's usually deserved, but not this time. This is an NHL problem. The league needs to make sure that this sort of critical information is readily available and reported correctly, and they're not doing it.

Here's Mike Brophy writing on The Hockey News web site. Not only does he report the (apparently wrong) information about Kaberle's NTC voiding after the Leafs miss the playoffs this year, but he lists Kubina as being tradable to "pre-specified teams". OK. Which teams? How many? Specified by who? And when? Is there already a list in place?

Brophy doesn't say, presumably because he doesn't know. If a senior writer for The Hockey News can't find this information, who could?

And we haven't even touched on the mass confusion over salary cap numbers. More than one reporter has taken it on himself to crunch the numbers in an attempt to estimate how much cap space the Leafs have committed to next year. That's great, but why do they need to do this in the first place? Why isn't there a page on the NHL web site that lists everything?

Can you imagine an NFL reporter not knowing where the Dallas Cowboys stood with regards to the salary cap? He'd be laughed at. But in the NHL, everyone is left to make their best guess.

This is the kind of information that's important to serious hockey fans. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be any working at NHL headquarters.