They look cold.
I happen to know that a large percentage of my readers are the wives of NHL players, and I'm sure many of them are worried: What if my husband is just like Tiger Woods? How would I know?
I want to help. So I've compiled a list of warning signs that you, the dutiful NHL spouse, should be watching for. Here's how to tell that your hockey player husband may have 16 mistresses:
- You keep overhearing his teammates talking about whether he'll set the all-time scoring record, but he's a goalie.
- Every time he sees an article in Us Weekly about Sean Avery breaking up with somebody, he circles it with a red magic marker.
- The fire hydrant at the end of your driveway looks suspiciously like it's been run over by a zamboni.
- Whenever he gets a penalty and the PA guy announces "two minutes for hitting from behind", the entire crowd chants "That's what she said".
- He plays in the United States, and yet the media is interested in him.
- In NHL 10, he has a 99 rating in "infidelity".
- You've never heard of those 16 girls whose names are on the banners hanging from your bedroom ceiling.
- Every time he yells out your name in bed, he checks a lineup card first.
- When Sidney Crosby punched him in the groin, every woman in your section pulled out a cell phone and started making alternate dinner plans.
- He refers to the local sorority house as "the waiver wire".
- You keep getting sympathetic text messages from somebody named Lauren P. in Anaheim.
- The red light and goal horn attached to your bed's headboard seem to need their batteries changed way more often than they should.
- He's been working with Jim Balsillie on a new web site called makeitseventeen.ca.
- His latest "lower body injury" is chlamydia.
- He's a hockey player who plays for a team that has at least 16 road games this year.
I would love for the ACC to yell "thats what she said" on HNIC.
ReplyDeleteanother awesome entry
ReplyDeleteawww.
ReplyDelete"He's a hockey player who plays for a team that has at least 16 road games this year."
awww, but HAHA nonetheless.
brillant, comme toujours.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
ReplyDeleteThere had better be a hitting from behind penalty at the next game I attend. I never thought of that, and as a huge fan of The Office I'm a proponent of TWSS.
ReplyDeleteHilarious, Some of those are absolute gems. However I must humbly, and perhaps pathetically, admit that I did not get the fire hydrant joke. Someone help me out please. tia
ReplyDelete@pettycamp: When Tiger Woods was in the car accident that set this post off, he crashed his car into a fire hydrant.
ReplyDeletehaha....why is pronger a label on this entry?
ReplyDeleteDid you just break "the guy code"?
Great post.
i should probably learn to read before i post...
ReplyDeleteZamboni + Fire Hydrant = Gold.
ReplyDeletemakeitseventeen.ca... Terrible and hilarious all at once. Well done!
ReplyDeletea crowd of people yelling 'that's what she said" at a game would be awesome
ReplyDeleteGreat, as always! Except I'm afraid of the backlash eight months from now when some moron stumbles upon this post and goes "WHY R LEEFS FANZ ALLOUD ON DA INTARWBS? LEEVS SUCK LOLOLOL"
Am in tears here, and for once its not related to Leafs on-ice performance!
ReplyDeleteCheers DGB, another great blog!
Ahahahaha, that lower body injury is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteHahaha that goal horn headboard idea is phenomenal.
ReplyDeleteAbsolute genius. Well done sir.
ReplyDeleteHe's a hockey player who plays for a team that has at least 16 road games this year.
ReplyDeleteBINGO! WE HAVE A WINNER, FOLKS!
I'm going to have to remember the "that's what she said" thing. A crowd shouting that would be hilarious.
ReplyDeleteBig fan of the waiver wire comment.
ReplyDeleteWHY R LEEFS FANZ ALLOUD ON DA INTARWBS? LEEVS SUCK LOLOLOL
ReplyDelete- His pet name for you is "Healthy Scratch" -
ReplyDeleteGreat post - still hilarious almost two years later...