I happen to know that a large percentage of my readers are the wives of NHL players, and I'm sure many of them are worried: What if my husband is just like Tiger Woods? How would I know?
I want to help. So I've compiled a list of warning signs that you, the dutiful NHL spouse, should be watching for. Here's how to tell that your hockey player husband may have 16 mistresses:
- You keep overhearing his teammates talking about whether he'll set the all-time scoring record, but he's a goalie.
- Every time he sees an article in Us Weekly about Sean Avery breaking up with somebody, he circles it with a red magic marker.
- The fire hydrant at the end of your driveway looks suspiciously like it's been run over by a zamboni.
- Whenever he gets a penalty and the PA guy announces "two minutes for hitting from behind", the entire crowd chants "That's what she said".
- He plays in the United States, and yet the media is interested in him.
- In NHL 10, he has a 99 rating in "infidelity".
- You've never heard of those 16 girls whose names are on the banners hanging from your bedroom ceiling.
- Every time he yells out your name in bed, he checks a lineup card first.
- When Sidney Crosby punched him in the groin, every woman in your section pulled out a cell phone and started making alternate dinner plans.
- He refers to the local sorority house as "the waiver wire".
- You keep getting sympathetic text messages from somebody named Lauren P. in Anaheim.
- The red light and goal horn attached to your bed's headboard seem to need their batteries changed way more often than they should.
- He's been working with Jim Balsillie on a new web site called makeitseventeen.ca.
- His latest "lower body injury" is chlamydia.
- He's a hockey player who plays for a team that has at least 16 road games this year.