Sunday, December 13, 2009

Signs your hockey player husband might have sixteen mistresses

Lots of clutching and grabbing going on
They look cold.
You may not have heard, but apparently Tiger Woods has had a few affairs. No, really, it's been in the newspaper and everything! And at least count, 16 different women have come forward to admit to relationships with the married golf legend.

I happen to know that a large percentage of my readers are the wives of NHL players, and I'm sure many of them are worried: What if my husband is just like Tiger Woods? How would I know?

I want to help. So I've compiled a list of warning signs that you, the dutiful NHL spouse, should be watching for. Here's how to tell that your hockey player husband may have 16 mistresses:
  • You keep overhearing his teammates talking about whether he'll set the all-time scoring record, but he's a goalie.

  • Every time he sees an article in Us Weekly about Sean Avery breaking up with somebody, he circles it with a red magic marker.

  • The fire hydrant at the end of your driveway looks suspiciously like it's been run over by a zamboni.

  • Whenever he gets a penalty and the PA guy announces "two minutes for hitting from behind", the entire crowd chants "That's what she said".

  • He plays in the United States, and yet the media is interested in him.

  • In NHL 10, he has a 99 rating in "infidelity".

  • You've never heard of those 16 girls whose names are on the banners hanging from your bedroom ceiling.

  • Every time he yells out your name in bed, he checks a lineup card first.

  • When Sidney Crosby punched him in the groin, every woman in your section pulled out a cell phone and started making alternate dinner plans.

  • He refers to the local sorority house as "the waiver wire".

  • You keep getting sympathetic text messages from somebody named Lauren P. in Anaheim.

  • The red light and goal horn attached to your bed's headboard seem to need their batteries changed way more often than they should.

  • He's been working with Jim Balsillie on a new web site called makeitseventeen.ca.

  • His latest "lower body injury" is chlamydia.

  • He's a hockey player who plays for a team that has at least 16 road games this year.




21 comments:

  1. I would love for the ACC to yell "thats what she said" on HNIC.

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  2. another awesome entry

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  3. awww.

    "He's a hockey player who plays for a team that has at least 16 road games this year."

    awww, but HAHA nonetheless.

    brillant, comme toujours.

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  4. There had better be a hitting from behind penalty at the next game I attend. I never thought of that, and as a huge fan of The Office I'm a proponent of TWSS.

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  5. Hilarious, Some of those are absolute gems. However I must humbly, and perhaps pathetically, admit that I did not get the fire hydrant joke. Someone help me out please. tia

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  6. @pettycamp: When Tiger Woods was in the car accident that set this post off, he crashed his car into a fire hydrant.

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  7. haha....why is pronger a label on this entry?

    Did you just break "the guy code"?

    Great post.

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  8. i should probably learn to read before i post...

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  9. makeitseventeen.ca... Terrible and hilarious all at once. Well done!

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  10. a crowd of people yelling 'that's what she said" at a game would be awesome

    Great, as always! Except I'm afraid of the backlash eight months from now when some moron stumbles upon this post and goes "WHY R LEEFS FANZ ALLOUD ON DA INTARWBS? LEEVS SUCK LOLOLOL"

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  11. Am in tears here, and for once its not related to Leafs on-ice performance!

    Cheers DGB, another great blog!

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  12. Ahahahaha, that lower body injury is hilarious.

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  13. Hahaha that goal horn headboard idea is phenomenal.

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  14. He's a hockey player who plays for a team that has at least 16 road games this year.

    BINGO! WE HAVE A WINNER, FOLKS!

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  15. I'm going to have to remember the "that's what she said" thing. A crowd shouting that would be hilarious.

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  16. Big fan of the waiver wire comment.

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  17. WHY R LEEFS FANZ ALLOUD ON DA INTARWBS? LEEVS SUCK LOLOLOL

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  18. - His pet name for you is "Healthy Scratch" -


    Great post - still hilarious almost two years later...

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