Other Mario Lemieux grievances

"My goalie could beat up your goalie.
You know, in 20 years."

Mario Lemieux is cranky. And apparently he's not too concerned about who knows it.

After watching last week's game between the Islanders and Penguins turn into a gong show, Lemieux decided to share some feedback. He released a statement ripping into the league and its leadership, calling the events "unacceptable and embarrassing" and hinting that he could leave the sport entirely if things didn't improve.

Many applauded his stance, while others were critical or even accused him of hypocrisy. But those critics may want to brace themselves, because Lemieux may have more to get off his chest in the days to come.

What else could a millionaire hockey legend possibly have to complain about? Plenty, as it turns out. Sources in Pittsburgh tell me that the Islanders game was just the latest in a long list of things that are severely ticking Mario off:

• Today's players don't seem to grasp the fundamentals, with many unable to execute even a basic "intentionally lose the puck in the defenceman's skates to distract him long enough to blow by him and score" move.
  
  
• Hasn't played a league game for over five years now, so not really sure why Esa Tikkanen is still following him around and yapping in his ear all day.
  
  
• Attempts to engage the current generation of stars in a productive discussion about player safety have proven frustrating, as guys like Marc Savard just spend the entire conversation staring quietly into the distance.
  
  
• Is generally against hockey violence in all its forms, but won't hesitate to strangle the next person who starts talking about Kaberle-to-the-Bruins rumours.
  
  
• While all the cheap shots and fighting during last week's rematch were hard to take, the Islanders really went over the line with that lengthy pre-game ceremony retiring David Volek's number.
  
  
• Sort of feels like an idiot for picking up Peter Forsberg in his fantasy league.
  
  
• While occasional encounters with diehard Penguin fans are nice, the endless gushing, autograph demands, and girlish squeals of admiration make it sort of tough to get anything done during meetings with Gary Bettman.
  
  
• All these gosh darn Stanley Cup rings make it really tough to raise hand to give Garth Snow the finger.
  
  
• The revelation that Zenon Konopka has a poster of him in his bedroom makes him question whether everything he accomplished in his career was really worth it.
  
  
• You have one little physical confrontation with referee Kerry Fraser early in your career, and you can never go out in public again without every Leaf fan you see trying to hug you.
  
  
• While he realizes that the NHL Guardian Project super heroes were meant to honour key aspects of a franchise's history, he's still not crazy about the Penguin's superpower being "mulletude".
  
  
• Whenever all the owners get together for a scrimmage, Ted Leonsis won't stop asking him if he wants some advice on improving his game.
  
  
• Ever since Sidney Crosby moved out, Saturday morning "chocolate-chip pancake and cartoons in pajamas" time just isn't the same.
  
  
• Those 1987 Canada Cup team reunions just get awkward when everyone has to pretend to know who Doug Crossman is.
  
  
• As a 45-year-old with bad hips and a history of back problems, must somehow come to grips with the fact that he could probably only score 120 or 130 points if he was still playing today.
  
  
• Despite all of his frequent and passionate requests, it turns out that if you actually sneak up behind Mike Lange after a goal and scratch his back with a hacksaw he'll scream like a child and call the police.
  
  
• Hey, you try writing a thoughtful statement about the current state of the game with Matt Cooke elbowing you in the head the entire time.
  

A brief history of hockey brawls

This camera must have had
a hell of a shutter speed.

Seen any good fights lately?

Probably. In recent weeks we've watched Brent Johnson knockout fellow goaltender Rick DiPietro with a single punch. Boston and Dallas started a game with three separate fights in four seconds. Then the Bruins and Canadiens brawled, including another goalie scrap. And then the biggest explosion of all, at least so far, as the Islanders and Penguins rematch resulted in 346 penalty minutes, 23 games worth of suspensions, several injuries and a fine to the Islanders' organization.

So let the hand-wringing begin. But the league and its fans has been down this road before. And in fact, this latest round of incidents is only the latest in a long history of fights, brawls and general mayhem.

So join me in a nostalgic look back at some other well-known hockey brawls. You know, or else I'll punch you in the head.

March 5, 2004 - The Senators and Flyers combine for a league record 419 PIM after a series of fights are touched off by an argument over which franchise will destroy the careers of the most goaltenders during the rest of the decade.

October 2, 2008 - After the fifth different altercation to feature a player viciously attacking Sean Avery, the Dallas Stars coaching staff decides to just cancel rest of the practice and try again tomorrow.

April 20, 1984 - The Canadiens and Nordiques combine for over 250 penalty minutes and 10 ejections in a game that comes to be known as "la bataille du Vendredi saint" or, in English, "pretty standard for a game between Quebec and Montreal".

March 4, 2003 - An enraged Darcy Tucker dives into the Ottawa bench and remains there for several seconds, inadvertently becoming the third longest serving coach in Senators' history.

1982 to 1993, inclusive - In an extended incident that most hockey historians will later describe as "maybe a bit excessive", every single player in the Norris Division is involved in a spirited fight with every single other player at all times for twelve straight years, with the exception of Steve Yzerman.

March 15, 2006 - Chris Pronger is ejected from the game after a rampage that leaves seven players facing career-threatening injuries, which is unfortunate since it was a spring-training game between the Baltimore Orioles and Kansas City Royals.

October 4, 2007 - A rare goalie fight during an intrasquad scrimmage leaves Andrew Raycroft and Vesa Toskala facing significant injuries and lengthy suspensions, every Leaf fan really wishes in hindsight.

February 18, 1992 - Towards the end of a wild bench-clearing brawl involving such enforcers as Rob Ray, Brad May, Gord Donnelly, Jay Wells and Brad Miller, the Buffalo Sabres sheepishly begin to realize that the Hartford Whalers left two hours ago and they've all just been fighting each other.

December 23, 1979 - Mike Milbury climbs into the stands and beats a fan with his own shoe, in what everyone now agrees is probably the fifteenth or sixteenth dumbest thing he's ever done.

January 4, 1987 - Canada and Russia are disqualified from the World Junior tournament after a massive brawl that will be unanimously criticized by the media as "outrageous" and "shameful" and "totally going to screw up the 'you never see any brawls in international hockey' argument we make in all our anti-fighting columns".

May 11, 1989 - After an increasingly out-of-control Ron Hextall viciously attacks Chris Chelios in the dying moments of the Wales Conference Finals, concerned government authorities finally agree to green-light the top secret cyborg assassin program that will eventually lead to the creation of Felix Potvin.

November 7, 1998 - Red Wings and Avalanche players immediately engage in five separate and bloody fights as soon as the puck hits the ice, which really scares the crap out of the disabled child doing the ceremonial puck drop.

How to never say anything interesting: An NHLer's guide

Shhh... You had me at "flurry of
roundhouse punches to the face"

If you're a National Hockey League personality, odds are you spend much of your day with a microphone in your face and somebody asking you a question. Many newcomers make the mistake of interpreting this as an invitation to share their honest thoughts and opinions.

It's not. In fact, there are only a few dozen acceptable answers to any hockey-related question, and you'll be expected to simply choose the right one and recite it verbatim. Sure, some will accuse you of speaking in clichés, but it's better than the alternative: revealing yourself to have an actual personality, and being torn to shreds for it.

So for those of you who may be new to life in the NHL, here's a quick guide to the sort of things that are acceptable to say, and what you should make sure you avoid.

If you want to say: "Wow, a player on our team just committed a sickening act of violence for which he will surely be suspended."
Instead say: "I can't comment on that, since I haven't seen the replay."
But don't also say: "… because there was blood and bone fragments all over the scoreboard."

If you want to say: "Did we pay that guy too much? I think we paid that guy too much. Let me see the contract again. Oh man, we paid that guy way too much."
Instead say: "As per team policy, financial terms were not disclosed."
But don't also say: "… even though they'll be posted on capgeek.com seven seconds after you read this."

If you want to say: "Sure, fighting Brent Johnson sounds like a super idea!"
Instead say: "I think I'll just curl up in a little ball inside my net where it's safe."
But don't also say: "… hey, where'd this puddle come from?"

If you want to say: "Even though we're in last place and have lost seventeen games in a row, I'm not allowed to waive my no-trade clause because my wife says she really likes the shopping in this city."
Instead say: "I am absolutely committed to this team and want to win a championship here."
But don't also say: "Yes honey, I was just … no, just talking to some reporters and… yes dear, of course, I'll be home immediately."

If you want to say: "This player is lazy, doesn't try hard, stops caring entirely for weeks at a time, and all his teammates want to strangle him."
Instead say: "This player is enigmatic."
But don't also say: "… that's Russian for 'total headcase', right?"

If you want to say: "Our coach has been fired? Hallelujah! Now maybe we can all start trying again!"
Instead say: "It's always tough to see somebody lose their job."
But don't also say: "… now quick, somebody help me set his office on fire before they change their mind."

If you want to say: "Hey, you know what would be fantastic? If my defencemen could go one shift without turning the puck over, screening me, and then deflecting slapshots past me. Can we maybe try that once, guys, just for a change?"
Instead say: "We win as a team, and we lose as a team."
But don't also say: "… and after looking at this team, I've decided to go fight Brent Johnson."

If you want to say: "I'm pretty sure our star player might be dead."
Instead say: "He is questionable to return after suffering an upper body injury."
But don't also say: "… in the sense that, technically, his upper body was the last known location of his head."

If you want to say: "We are completely hopeless."
Instead say: "Hey, we just need a few bounces to go our way!"
But don't also say: "… like if the other team's bus bounced off of the overpass on the way to the game, we could probably pick up a point."

If you want to say: "Maybe it's just not working out here, I guess. Who knows? I can't get anything going, so maybe it's time for a change or something."
Instead say: "I want to be here. I love the city. I love the fans. I love the team. I want to be here for a very long time."
But don't also say: … all of the above, while blinking "Oh God, won't somebody please rescue me?" in morse code.

Inside Gary Bettman's Super Bowl party

Of course, Bettman immediately launched
an intricate conspiracy against the wings.

The NHL took a rare night off on Sunday. And as regular readers know, a night off usually means one thing: One of Gary Bettman's famous parties, where players and personalities from around the league gather to enjoy each other's company.

Scene: Gary Bettman's living room. Bettman is wearing a Penguins jersey with "Steelers" written on it in magic marker. Co-host Donald Fehr is wearing a cheesehead.

In the living room, a crowd has gathered around a large board that contains a traditional Super Bowl squares pool. One guest is finishing a lengthy dissertation.

Ted Leonsis: And that, my friends, is how to win a Super Bowl squares pool. It's the perfect strategy, and you should all thank me for sharing my genius with you.

Bettman: That's great, Ted. So are you going to buy a $2 square or what?

Leonsis: Uh, I'm a little short. Any chance somebody can chip in some of that?

Richard Peddie sighs, and hands over some change.

Leonsis (under his breath): Genius…

Bettman: OK, looks like the board is almost all filled. Has everyone had a chance to pick their square?

Fehr: Yeah, every single person at the party. Well, everyone except…

Everyone turns to stare at one guest.

Phil Kessel: Sigh.

Alexander Ovechkin runs over and snaps a photo.

Bettman: Leave him alone, Alex. OK, the big game is almost ready to start. Does everyone have a place to sit?

Cory Clouston climbs into his booster seat. John Ferguson Jr. sits down on the floor, facing the wrong way. Detroit Red Wings GM Ken Holland points out a comfortable chair in the corner.

Holland: I've thought about it, done my homework, weighed the pros and cons, and I've decided I'm going to sit right…

Garth Snow nonchalantly walks over and sits in Holland's spot.

Holland: Hey! Stop doing that!

Bettman: Tough break Ken. But there's still a bunch of empty chairs all around Phil.

Kessel: I hate you all so much.

The party is suddenly interrupted by the floor rumbling, followed by crashing sounds from outside.

Fehr (peering out window): Uh, Gary, there are 30 guys in tights running around outside, shooting lasers out of their eyes and smashing things.

Bettman: Thirty guys?

Fehr: Well, 29. Plus an angry tree. Who also seems to be wearing tights.

Bettman: Oh no. It's the heroes from our NHL Guardian project. Ever since we told Stan Lee that the entire idea was a terrible mistake, he's been threatening to unleash them against us.

Fehr: So wait, you're saying we're under attack from 30 angry heroes with super powers? What can we do?

Bettman: Brent?

Brent Johnson: I'll take care of it. Somebody hold my beer.

Johnson casually shakes off his glove and blocker and walks out the front the door. Three seconds later, he walks back in.

Johnson: They're all unconscious.

Bettman: Thanks Brent.

Johnson: Sorry it took so long. Hey, what happened to my beer?

Holland: Garth Snow probably took it.

Fehr: Uh oh. Gary, I thought we specifically said we weren't going to invite…

A figure emerges from the kitchen wearing an apron and oven mitts and carrying a tray.

Chris Pronger (cheery sing-song voice): Who wants some of my world-famous Super Bowl guacamole dip?

Everyone: NO!

Pronger: What? Why not?

Bettman: Well, for starters it's probably made out of ground up kitten hearts.

Pronger: Oh come on. Just because I occasionally play on the edge doesn't mean I can't be a well-rounded person off the ice. And it just so happens that I worked all afternoon on this special recipe because I thought that if I made you guys something nice then maybe, just this once, you'd start treating me like a friend instead of some kind of monster. I guess I was wrong.

Bettman: Wow. Sorry Chris.

Pronger: Sniffle.

Everyone digs in.

Bettman (mouth full): Wow, this is really good. (Chewing.) And where did you get the serving bowl that looks like a hollowed out human skull?

Pronger: "Looks like"?

Everyone spits out their food and begins retching.

Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bettman: Brent, you want to take care of this?

Johnson: I'm invincible, not crazy. I'm out of here.

Ovechkin: Me too.

Holland: Me too.

Garth Snow nonchalantly gets in Holland's car and drives away.

Holland: Oh come on!

Leonsis (disappearing out the door): This whole thing would have been so much better if I was in charge. Hey, can anyone spot me some cab fare?

Ferguson, Clouston and Peddie file out. Bettman and Fehr are left standing in the doorway.

Bettman: Wow. This place cleared out quick. I guess this is just another Bettman party disaster.

Fehr (placing an arm around Bettman): Yeah. But don't worry about it buddy. There's still time to make it to the party at Selig's house. I'll drive.

Bettman surveys the room, shakes his head, and turns for the door. He flicks off the light as he leaves.

Twenty minutes later, a lone figure still sitting in the otherwise empty room finally speaks.

Kessel: So do I get another car for this, or what?

A hockey fan's guide to the Super Bowl

Oh look, it's the Stanley Cup's younger,
scrawnier little brother.

After taking some time off for the all-star festivities, the NHL's regular season is back just in time for the weekend. And there will be plenty of action, thanks to a half dozen Friday night games and 11 more on Saturday. There are even three Sunday matinees on the schedule.

And then, nothing. The league has taken Sunday night off.

After some in-depth investigative journalism, I think I've uncovered the reason: apparently there's a football game that night. Presumably, the NHL has decided that it would be rude to overshadow another league's title game, and is allowing the Super Bowl to have the stage to itself.

That's a nice gesture, but it will be jarring for sports fans who binge on hockey all weekend and then have to switch gears. In an attempt to ease the transition, here's a list of some key differences between regular season hockey and the Super Bowl to watch out for.

The Super Bowl: If you see fans wearing cheese on their heads, you'll know that they are fans of the Green Bay Packers.
Regular season hockey: If you see fans with food on their head, you'll know that whoever is throwing waffles at the Maple Leafs that night has a weak arm and poor depth perception.

The Super Bowl: Any coach who wishes to issue a challenge will immediately drop a red flag onto the playing surface.
Regular season hockey: Any goaltender who wishes to issue a challenge will immediately drop Rick DiPietro onto the playing surface.

The Super Bowl: Many players express their unique personalities by growing their hair long, sporting intricate tattoos, and performing choreographed celebrations after big plays.
Regular season hockey: Many players express their unique personalities by choosing a nickname that consists of their last name with the suffix "er", instead of their last name with the suffix "ie".

The Super Bowl: You can buy commercial time, assuming you have a few million dollars sitting around that you'd like to waste on something that will have no discernible impact on your product's success.
Regular season hockey: Unfortunately, Ilya Kovalchuk doesn't hit free agency again until 2025.

Regular season hockey: That thing that takes twenty minutes to complete, plus commercials and breaks for the participants to rest, is called a "period".
The Super Bowl: That thing that takes twenty minutes to complete, plus breaks for the participants to rest, is called "Christina Aguilera singing the national anthem".

The Super Bowl: A pre-game coin flip is held to determine which team gets the ball first.
Regular season hockey: A pre-game coin flip is held to determine which team Mike Murphy will be masterminding a shadowy conspiracy against.

The Super Bowl: Over 5,000 accredited media members from around the world will cover the game.
Regular season hockey: No single game would ever attract that many reporters, as doing so would divert valuable resources from around-the-clock trade deadline coverage.

The Super Bowl: Expect to see thousands of towels being waved madly by diehard Steeler fans throughout the game.
Regular season hockey: Expect to see dozens of towels being thrown in by the Ottawa Senators during the opening shift.

The Super Bowl: The only thing we can say for sure is that when the final whistle blows, we'll be left with one winner and one loser.
Regular season hockey: There's a decent chance the game will end with one winner and one tie.

The Super Bowl: Expect to hear plenty of references to ex-Packer Brett Favre, the former superstar who embarrassed himself with one too many comeback attempts and eventually became a running joke in the sports world.
Regular season hockey: Thankfully, it's been years since Peter Forsberg… wait, he's what? You're kidding. Good lord, please say you're kidding.

The Super Bowl: If you see a player jump into the first row of the stands, it's because he's a Green Bay Packer and has just scored a touchdown.
Regular season hockey: If you see a player jump into the first row of the stands, it's because he didn't really appreciate that fan's most recent reference to his mother.

The Super Bowl: Pittsburgh is known for being involved in games that feature violent head shots, which are immediately followed by swift and severe sanctions from the league in an effort to reduce concussions.
Regular season hockey: Pittsburgh is known for being involved in games that feature violent head shots.