Tuesday, May 31, 2011

2011 Stanley Cup preview

Ever feel like you're carrying the weight
of a terrible mistake on your shoulders?
The Bruins and Canucks will open the Stanley Cup finals tomorrow night in Vancouver, kicking off a highly anticipated series that has hockey fans asking each other tough questions.

Can the Bruins finally end their 39-year championship drought? Can the Canucks finish off a dominant season? Did you know that Cam Neely was once traded from Vancouver to Boston? No really, did you know that? Would you like to hear about it 300 times in the next two weeks?

We'll start finding out the answers tomorrow night. As we count down to the opener, here's an in-depth look at how the two teams stack up.

Bruins - Nathan Horton leads a group of never-say-die forwards who refuse to throw in the towel, unless there's a chance they could hit a Lightning fan in the face with it.
Canucks - Will rely on timely offense from Henrik Sedin, Daniel Sedin, and whichever forwards Henrik and Daniel Sedin decide to bank a few shots off of to break up the monotony.

Bruins - Tomas Kaberle has been creating a steady stream of scoring opportunities with his crisp passes to the open man, some of which even go to his teammates.
Canucks - Kevin Bieksa is willing to fight tooth and nail to win a championship, assuming "tooth and nail" is the nickname of some skill player who doesn't know how to fight.

Bruins - While the Canucks' goalie won the prestigious starting job for the 2010 Canadian Olympic team, the Bruins are stuck with some loser who was never even considered for a spot on the roster.
Canucks - Roberto Luongo has once again failed to silence his critics by going an entire postseason without surrendering a goal.

Bruins - Claude Julien and his staff have reportedly not yet decided which game to schedule their momentum-crushing "too many men" penalty for.
Canucks - Alain Vigneault has shown that he can handle all the most difficult coaching decisions, such as yelling "Get out there, Kesler" during any and all critical situations.

Special Teams
Bruins - Finally found a cure for their special team woes in game seven against the Lightning when they hit pause, accessed the options menu and turned penalties off.
Canucks - Have been dominant on special teams due to extensive video study, a disciplined approach to positioning, and having a whole bunch of players who are way better than everybody else's.

Bruins - The city desperately needs a Bruins' championship to raise their spirits, since their other three sports teams haven't won a title in months.
Canucks - It's hard to fight the sinking feeling that right now the Green Men are busy cutting Matt Damon and Ben Affleck masks out of an old issue of People magazine.

Rink physics
Bruins - Have been known to eliminate opponents using a stanchion.
Canucks - Have been known to eliminate opponents using a stanchion.

Bruins - Seeing Tyler Seguin score the Stanley Cup winning goal would be a devastatingly cruel blow to Maple Leaf fans, so you know there's about a 90% chance that the hockey gods are making it happen.
Canucks - The players know they have a chance at hockey immortality right in front of their face, which has instinctively caused them to snap their heads back and look around for a referee.

Historical precedence
Bruins - Have lost each of the last eight times they've gone to the Stanley Cup finals against a team representing Canada, so are probably thrilled to be playing the Canucks instead.
Canucks - Won the Western Conference title with a double-overtime game five win to set up a finals matchup against an original six team with a long Cup drought; what could possibly go wrong?


  1. Hockey immorality? That applies to the Flyers or anyone employing Matt Cooke or Sean Avery.

    I hope you meant immortality. Then again, I kind of hope not.

  2. Liked your historical references. Very...shall we say, suddle???

  3. Article = win!

    Caption = win!

    Putting the spelling mistake in the NP version, not this one = win!

    Bruins = will win!

  4. Wow, is "suddle" a word now?

  5. I think you mean, got their dad to turn off penalties for them.

  6. @J2 Why didn't Campbell's dad turn off penalties for us during the MTL series? Time for a new excuse?

  7. Rink physics
    Bruins - Have been known to eliminate opponents using a stanchion.
    Canucks - Have been known to eliminate opponents using a stanchion.


  8. Tim Thomas is American DGB. :)

  9. @ other Anonymous...

    Kinda the point of the joke... :)

  10. Quite possibly one of your best ever. As for the Seguin goal, it will be assisted by Kaberle and Tukka Rask... don't know how but it will.

  11. Knew this one was going to be amazing right from the get go with the Cam Neely bit.

    The Bruins special teams line was the best by far. Genius.

  12. its like the refs decided ahead of time that they would allow the bruins to win the series, not by making a heart-wrenchingly bad call late in the third period favoring the bruins, but rather by eliminating the lightnings best advantage all together.... the power play.... fail!

  13. I laughed out loud at the stanchion post.

  14. This is the best in a long time! Can't wait till the next one.

  15. I’m so excited to watch these finals series games. I hope I could see a good game to both teams. Good luck to both teams.

  16. The parallels to 93-94 are pretty eerie. Especially since if the crazy fan hadn't tossed Mike Gartner his stick back, it may well have been Sharks / Canucks in the Western final that year as well.

  17. Looks like the Thrashers to Manitoba will become official today. according to A. Gross, no realignment this season, so the Rangers will travel to Manitoba twice.