Inside Gary Bettman's annual Halloween party

It's clearly not a post-season
pumpkin, since it has a flame in it.

Scene: Last night, in a spacious home in New York. Halloween-themed music plays, as various hockey personalities wander around in costume.

The doorbell rings, and is answered by a man dressed as a zombie wearing an Atlanta Thrashers jersey.

Gary Bettman: Glad you could make it, come on in.

A man wearing an old-fashioned executioner's hood walks in.

Brendan Shanahan: Hi Gary… how's the party coming this year?

Bettman: Can't complain. A little crowded, but I guess you have to expect that when you invite the whole league.

Shanahan: You invited everybody in the entire NHL to your Halloween party?

Bettman: Well, except for Raffi Torres.

Shanahan: Good call.

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The NHL's application form for disgruntled NBA fans

He couldn't quite place it, but David
Stern felt somehow different moments
after shaking hands with Shea Weber.

The NBA's lockout continues to drag along. With two weeks of games already cancelled and some experts suggesting the stoppage could wipe out much of the season, basketball fans are understandably getting nervous.

How nervous? My sources at the NHL's main office tell me that the switchboard is lighting up with calls from NBA fans who are thinking of jumping ship, at least temporarily. The volume of inquiries is so high that the league has had to create an application form for potential new fans. My spies were able to obtain a copy.

***

Greetings (soon-to-be former) NBA fans.

It's come to our attention that your league is currently undergoing a work stoppage. And while there has been some encouraging progress in negotiations this week, it's probably best that you don't get your hopes up. These things can tend to drag on. Like for a completely unreasonable amount of time. Um, so we've heard.

Anyways, it's probably a good idea to keep your options open, and to consider becoming an NHL fan. However, before you can become officially certified as a hockey diehard, there is the small matter of some paperwork. Please fill out the form below, and we'll contact you with our decision.

First name:
_____________________

Last name:
_____________________

Your last name with "sie" added to the end of it so that we have a creative hockey nickname ready to go for you:
_____________________

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Getting to know the NHL's new coaches

"Coach, if you took every puck Craig Anderson
will stop this season and stacked them on top
of each other, how high would that pile be?"

The 2011-12 season has seen six teams introduce new coaches. And instead of going back to the various familiar faces who were available, this year teams chose to go with relative newcomers. Not one of the new coaches has ever won a playoff game, and five have never been a head coach in the NHL at all.

All of which is to say that hockey fans could be forgiven if they aren't familiar with the league's newest bench bosses. So here's a handy guide to the half dozen men who are making their debut behind a bench this year.

Glen Gulutzan, Dallas Stars

Previous experience: Won the John Brophy Award for his work as coach of the Las Vegas Wranglers in 2006, so presumably rocks a mean fedora.
Early-season adjustment: Was recently able to get the media to finally start questioning him about strategy and roster decisions, instead of spending every press conference repeatedly asking "No, but seriously, who are you?"
Possible cause for concern: Reports of a possible sale of the team to a businessman from Vancouver could lead to the team's budget being slashed, or at least pretending to be slashed in an attempt to draw a penalty.

Kevin Dineen, Florida Panthers

Previous experience: His 20-year NHL playing career included a stint as Flyers captain that was interrupted when he was traded, which is really odd because that never happens says Mike Richards sarcastically.
Early-season adjustment: Has repeatedly had to politely ask Brian Campbell to stop coming back to the bench and saying "Hey, I just made more money on that shift than guys like you did during the entire 1980s!"
Possible cause for concern: Told reporters during training camp that he was looking forward to coaching emerging star David Booth, or the package of excellent young players the team would inevitably get in return if they ever traded him.

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Upcoming NHL records and milestones

Every Hab, photographed from five feet high.

"History will be made" has been the NHL's playoff slogan for the past few years, but it could also be applied to the upcoming season. That's because while it's still early, this year is shaping up to be one that could rewrite a few pages of the NHL's history book.

With several hockey legends winding down their careers and a new generation of stars just hitting their prime, some of the game's most cherished records and milestones are within reach. So if you've ever wanted a chance to see history be made, now may be a good time to tune in.

Here are a few of the upcoming records and milestones that fans may have a chance to witness during the 2011-12 season.

Marc Savard - Is just one assist away from 500 for his career, which he should get this season if you're willing to count him assisting Matt Cooke in becoming known as "that jerk who ended Marc Savard's career".

Craig Anderson - Is currently 2,100 goals away from breaking the all-time record for goals allowed in a career, so given how the Senators' season is going so far let's just go ahead and pencil him in for next Friday.

Ray Whitney - Has a chance to join the 1,000 point club this year, which would be a memorable moment for him since it would be guaranteed to happen against a team he once played for.

Adam Oates - Out of all current Hall Of Fame-eligible players, his 1,420 career points will once again make him by far the all-time leader among those angrily standing in line to purchase admission.

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A hockey fan's guide to the World Series

This was an important sports moment from
1993, so it's safe to say Kerry Fraser didn't see it.

The World Series opens tomorrow night in St. Louis, with the Cardinals playing host to the Texas Rangers. And while some hockey fans wouldn't dream of switching over to a baseball game after waiting all summer for the NHL season to start, many will no doubt be tempted to tune in knowing that a championship is on the line.

So if you're a hockey fan who's thinking about checking out some of the World Series action, here's a handy guide to some of the subtle differences between the two sports to help you follow the action.

World Series: By late October, 28 teams have already been eliminated from championship contention.
NHL: By late October, no teams have been eliminated from championship contention with the exception of Winnipeg.

World Series: If you see the defence standing around helplessly while a player circles the bases before scoring, you'll know that batter has hit a home run.
NHL: If you see the defence standing around helplessly while a player circles the rink before scoring, you'll know that Phil Kessel has decided to try this year.

World Series: It took the sport a generation to recover from the cancellation of the 1994 World Series due to a player's strike led by hardline union head Donald Fehr.
NHL: I'm sure whoever's heading up the NHLPA these days would never do something like that.

World Series: For the second straight year, the Texas Rangers have won their first two playoff rounds under the leadership of popular manager Ron Washington.
NHL: Nobody with "Washington" on their jersey ever wins two playoff rounds in the same season.

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