Grab Bag: Checking in on the remaining RFAs, a no-trade clause proposal and Rob Ray fights a fan

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- With Auston Matthews signed, let's check in on the remaining big-name RFAs
- I have a proposal for how the league should handle no-trade clauses
- An obscure player who had one of the craziest shifts in hockey history
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a YouTube look back at the time Rob Ray pummeled a fan

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Things overheard at the Maple Leafs statue unveiling

MLSE also spent a ton of money on a tribute to
Toronto FC’s greatest players, but halfway through
the ceremony the best statues just walked out.

After weeks of speculation, the Toronto Maple Leafs finally unveiled their new Legends Row on Saturday as part of their Fan Fest weekend. The new monument features bronze statues of Ted Kennedy, Johnny Bower and Darryl Sittler, with other legends from franchise history being added each year leading up to the team’s centennial celebration in 2017.

The event was a big deal for Maple Leaf fans, so it goes without saying that DGB spies were in attendance. Here’s a selection of some of the things they managed to overhear.

• Yes, it certainly is a thrill to get a glimpse of a superstar from a long-bygone era who you can only remember through stories passed down to you from your grandparents, but maybe don’t say that out loud to Darryl Sittler, ok Mr. Dubas?
  
  
• Oh cool, they left plenty of space for another eight to ten good players, just like they did for the current roster.
  
  
• Quick, get these wonderful tributes to the franchise’s beloved past unveiled before Tim Leiweke shows up with a blow torch and starts melting everything down.
  
  
• This one statue of a guy taking a penalty shot is so lifelike that if you stare at it long enough it almost seems like it’s actually moving ever so slowly towards… oh, sorry Mr. Allison, didn’t realize you were here today.

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Forbes Magazine excuses

Much like the magazine article,
this card is mostly red ink.

As if NHL fans haven't been bombarded with enough dollars and cents talk recently, Forbes magazine chose this week to release its annual summary of NHL finances. And while the figures got plenty of attention thanks to some headline-grabbing claims (like the Leafs now being worth $1 billion), they were also roundly criticized.

You might expect the notoriously secretive NHL and its teams to deny the accuracy of the Forbes numbers, especially during a lockout. But even unbiased observers were quick to point out apparent issues in the report. In fact the closer you dig into the numbers, the bigger the problems appear to be.

But why? How could such a well-respected magazine make such a mess of things? I wasn't sure, so I figured I'd go straight to the source. And it turns out that putting together an estimate of the NHL's business is tougher than it looks. According to my spies at Forbes, here's what they say went wrong:

• Although we appreciated the Phoenix Coyotes taking the time to share their in-depth business plan with us, we're still not sure whether or not "waltz into Glendale city council, give them all wedgies, and take their lunch money" counts as hockey-related revenue.
  
  
• We couldn't get a detailed answer about Winnipeg's revenue forecasts, because every time a Jets executive would start to answer a question Jeremy Jacobs would yell "Silence, peon!" and hit him over the head with a folding chair.
  
  
• While we did manage to get hold of an internal spreadsheet detailing all of the Toronto Maple Leafs future revenue projections, we couldn't figure out what all those sideways 8's mean.
  
  
• We tried to reach out to the Vancouver Canucks front office about their finances, but apparently it takes those guys six months just to make a simple decision about their net assets.

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Dear son, welcome to life as a Leaf fan

The horror...

Last month my wife and I welcomed our first son to the world. Like any proud father, I didn't want to waste any time teaching him the important values that I hope he'll carry with him throughout his life. So a few days ago, I sat him down for a very important discussion.

Hey little guy. Wakey wakey. Daddy wants to share something very important with you.

Do you see this friendly looking blue thing right here? That's a Toronto Maple Leafs logo. It probably looks familiar, since there's at least one on every item of clothing you own right now. And that's because you're going to be a Maple Leafs fan, just like your dad.

I want to tell you all about the Leafs. I want to teach you about Dave Keon and Borje Salming and Mats Sundin and Teeder Kennedy. So let's look through daddy's old scrapbook together and I'll tell you all about it.

Look, here's a picture of George Armstrong. He was called "Chief". He's scoring the clinching goal into an empty net to beat the Montreal Canadiens. Look how happy everyone looks! Do you see all the people cheering? They're happy because they just saw the Leafs win their most recent Stanley Cup.

What's that? No. No, there's aren't any pictures of this that are in color.

Because they didn't have color photography back in 1967, that's why. Well I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. Look, if you want to see them in color so badly, go ask your sister if you can borrow her crayons.

Hey, come on now little buddy, stop crying.

It's not like Leaf fans haven't had anything to cheer about since then. Let me tell you about 1993. That's the year that the Leafs went on a magical run and almost made the Stanley Cup finals. They had Dougie Gilmour's spinorama and Felix Potvin's brilliance and Wendel Clark punched out Marty McSorley's eyeball. It was probably the greatest stretch of hockey I've ever seen.

Yes, that's right, 1993.

Well of course that seems like a long time ago to you, you're two weeks old. Right, OK, I guess that was 17 years ago, sure. Nice math skills, Archimedes, do you have a point?

I said stop crying!

Look, I never said being a Leaf fan was going to be easy, OK? But I'm not raising you to be some sort of front-running bandwagon jumper who elbows his way to the head of the line when the team is winning and then bails out as soon as times get tough. The world already has too many Senator fans.

No, you're going to stick this out until the bitter end, and here's why: It will be worth it some day.

If you don't believe me, ask a Chicago Blackhawks fan. They hadn't won a Stanley Cup since 1961, but that all changed this season. For a few years they finished in last place just like the Leafs, but now they have a roster full of young stars that they drafted and their team is …

What? No. No, the Leafs can't just go out and do that too. Because they don't have any draft picks, that's why. Because they gave them all to another team, OK? I don't know, because it seemed like a good idea at the time!

No, daddy is not crying. Hey, isn't there an episode of The Backyardigans you should be watching?

Look, kid. I know it seems hopeless. I know it even seems a little bit cruel to raise you as a Leafs fan. I know that whenever you see Daddy thinking about the Leafs he's making angry faces and muttering mean words and drinking from one of his special grownup bottles.

But here's the thing, son: Some day, the Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup. It won't happen this year, or the next, or even the one after that. But it will happen one day. And when that day arrives, all the near misses and the lost seasons and the jokes and the blown calls and the sleepless nights will just make it all that much sweeter.

When that moment comes, some day a very long time from now, you're going to appreciate it in a way that only a true fan can. Because you'll have earned it.

That's why you're going to be a Leaf fan, son, whether you like it or not. But if those nice folks from Children Services ask, you chose this of your own free will, OK?

Now let's go get you changed. I think somebody made a Toskala in his diaper.