Welcome to NHL replacement player training camp

Well, he's still better than Racicot.

OK everyone, skate over here to center ice and take a knee. We have a lot to cover, so let’s get started. Welcome to NHL Replacement Player Training Camp.

As you know, reports surfaced this week that the NHL might consider using the threat of replacement players as leverage in this ongoing labor dispute. And while nobody really seems to think it will happen, we have to be prepared. So thanks to all of you for answering the ad we posted in dressing rooms in midnight beer leagues around the continent. Let’s get you ready to be NHL players!

OK, so we need to make sure that you’ll be able to play an NHL-style game. So let’s work on some drills. What’s that? Skating, passing and shooting? Hey rookie, does this look like 1993 to you? No, we’re going to spend the morning on shot-blocking, clogging the neutral zone, and an obsessive focus on positional play. Hey, who’s ready for some dump and chase drills?

Great work, everyone. Well, except for the one guy over there signalling that the dump-ins to the corner should count as a goal. I think you’re looking for the replacement referee camp for the NFL, sir. It used to be next door.

So how do the rest of you think things are going so far?

Hmm… OK, that was actually a test. I just wanted to see what you’d do when asked a simple question, and unfortunately several of you gave answers that were thoughtful and interesting. That won’t do. You guys will need stay behind tonight to take the remedial “How to never say anything interesting ever” course. Those of you who just stared at the floor while mumbling cliches, good job.

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Some positive thinking for Canada's NHL teams

If I use them as the photo, maybe Habs and Jets
fans won't complain that they got one fewer joke
than the other teams," thought the weary blogger.

The second round of the playoffs is underway, but fans may feel like something's missing. An entire country, to be specific, since for the first time in a generation not a single Canadian team made it out of round one. And that's lead to a seemingly never-ending parade of negativity and speculation about what's ailing the nation's franchises.

Enough is enough. As longtime readers know, if there's one thing this space is committed to it's a sense of unrelenting optimism. So let's focus on the bright side, and come up with as many positive things as possible to say about each of Canada's seven teams.

Montreal Canadiens - The upcoming collective bargaining agreement should make it possible for the team to finally recover from the Scott Gomez trade, assuming it ends up including some sort of "get Ryan McDonagh back" clause.

Winnipeg Jets - While they put up a disappointing season in terms of wins, points, and goals for and against, they did have their best season in 16 years in the all-important "actually existing" category.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Many experts insist that a good NHL rebuild takes five years, and if that's true then the Leafs should be ready to contend for a title sometime in the next negative three years or so.

Calgary Flames - The likely offseason trade of Jarome Iginla will eventually allow Flames fans to enjoy a championship, assuming they all switch allegiances to whichever team acquires Jarome Iginla.

Vancouver Canucks - Have indicated that they'll be trading Roberto Luongo, which is great, because trading that guy away has always worked out so well for other teams.

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Twelve factors behind the Leafs' sudden turnaround

Don't look now, but the rebuilt Toronto Maple Leafs are one of the hottest teams in the NHL since the Olympic break. The team has won six of their last seven, and seems to showing significant signs of hope after an otherwise awful season.

Why? What's changed? How can a team that's already bad trade away almost all of their veterans and suddenly emerge as a world beater?

I spent the weekend breaking down the video tape of the team's recent games, I've come to the conclusion that what we're seeing is actually the result of a combination of factors. Below are the twelves recent changes that I think have been the most important to the Leafs stunning turnaround.

• Ron Wilson wisely ensured that Phil Kessel would be well-rested for the stretch run by ordering him to do absolutely nothing during the Olympics.
  
  
• The team has responded well to newcomer Dion Phaneuf's legendarily inspiring pre-game motivational rock-bangings.
  
  
• Since trading Vesa Toskala, the team's save percentage has improved to 1.000 on shots taken from behind the opponent's goal line.
  
  
• After extensive research, the coaching staff discovered a loophole in NHL rulebook that allows a shorthanded team to shoot the puck all the way down ice without being called for icing. Did you know about that? Dude, it changes everything!
  
  
• Tyler Bozak woke up one morning and decided to start being ridiculously good.
  
  
• The absence of Lee Stempniak has created an opportunity for younger players to step into the role of a fourth-liner who contributes absolutely nothing.
  
  
• Nikolai Kulemin has embraced the opportunity to spend time on the first line, kill penalties, and play during key defensive situations, experience that will prove invaluable when he's in the KHL next year.
  
  
• Tomas Kaberle's steadfast refusal to waive his NTC and continued insistence that he wants to win a championship in Toronto has become an inspiration to the team's young players to win now, since they now realize that even a few seasons of NHL hockey can be enough to cause early onset of dementia.
  
  
• Not completely sure, but there's an outside chance that facing second and third-string goalies every night has something to do with it.
  
  
• Goaltending coach Francois Allaire has worked hard with Jonas Gustavsson to correct the flaws in his game, such as overcommitting on cross-ice passes, losing track of rebounds, and letting his heart explode in the middle of key games.
  
  
• After almost five years, finally got around to practicing this shootout thing.
  
  
• The team's veterans are motivated by the knowledge that if they play poorly enough, Brian Burke won't hesitate to demote them to the team's AHL affiliate in Calgary.

An open letter to Vesa Toskala

What's Swedish for "GTFO"?

Former Maple Leafs goalie Vesa Toskala was recently quoted taking a few shots at Toronto, telling reporters that he was looking forward to an opportunity to "wash that blue and white out of my gear".

Toskala is certainly entitled to his opinions. However, in the spirit of respectful dialog, Down Goes Brown would like to offer the response below.

Dear Vesa,

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'll pause for a moment while you configure your screen reading software.

It's now been ten days since you were traded. Soon you'll be making your debut with Anaheim, pending the resolution of some visa issues that were presumably caused by a customs agent who was a Ducks fan. In any event, it was probably a pleasant change for you to be involved in a story where something was actually denied entry.

You're currently involved in a mini-controversy with your new team, who have denied your request to wear your familiar #35. They're apparently unaware of how important that number is to you, given that it represents your approximate career save percentage. But let's not focus on Anaheim -- instead, let's take a look back at your time in Toronto.

You came to Toronto three years ago when you were acquired in a trade by John Ferguson Jr., which should have been our first hint as to how things would turn out. In your initial training camp you managed to lose the starter's job to Andrew Raycroft, which is somewhat like losing a slam dunk contest to Stephen Hawking. But eventually you assumed the starter's role, and fans in Toronto had a chance to get to know you.

You had your good points. For example, fans never had to worry about an extended streak of poor performances since you could always be counted on to fake a groin injury as soon as things went bad. You were responsible for more groin-related fakery than Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. The only legitimate lower-body injury you ever suffered was a chronic distended bladder, caused by your unfortunate habit of taking a small sip of water after every goal against.

Despite that, fans were prepared to embrace you. Toronto is a town that loves its goaltenders, from the prickly Ed Belfour to the comatose Felix Potvin. We were ready to make you our next goaltending idol, like Curtis Joseph. Instead, after three seasons the only Joseph-inspired activity we wanted to see you involved with was a roundhouse kick to the face.

(And yes, I could have also gone with "getting hit in the face with a Wendel Clark slapshot". But that would involve a puck making contact with you, and we have no actual evidence that that's physically possible.)

Since the trade, we've learned that you didn't enjoy working with Leafs goaltending coach François Allaire, who described you as "not a guy who likes to build relations with coaches". In fairness, Allaire was probably difficult to work with since his three Stanley Cup rings would distract you when he tried to point out that you had your pads on upside down. Word is you had trouble adapting to the famous "Allaire style", which includes such complex techniques as "Don't stand with your entire body inside the net", "Hey maybe try opening your eyes for a change", and "Seriously, get out of your net before I run over you with this zamboni".

Anyway, you may be gone, but we'll always have the memories. For example, you once allowed a 185-foot dribbler to beat you in Long Island. Many physicists would argue that it's impossible to get beat top corner by a puck that's actually rolling, but you managed to prove them wrong. Then you outdid yourself this season in a game against the Sabres, when you managed to reach out with your glove hand and deflect a harmless dump-in straight into your own net. The goal was watched with disbelief by Leaf fans around the world, who until that moment had been unaware that you actually owned a glove hand.

All this is not to say that everyone in Toronto is happy to see you go. The local twine-repair industry, until recently a multi-million dollar business, has fallen on hard times. But local environmentalists are thrilled that MLSE has significantly reduced its carbon footprint, since it will no longer have a red light bulb that stays lit for most of every game.

It didn't work out for you in Toronto, but I'm sure Leaf fans join me in wishing you best in your future endeavors. Good luck the rest of the year in Anaheim, next year in the KHL, two years from now in ECHL, three years from now in the GTHL, and, eventually, as the starter in Montreal.

Just get the hell out of Toronto. And don't let the door handle slip untouched through your fivehole on the way out.

Your friends,
Leafs Nation