The Maple Leafs made some news this week when it was revealed that they're concerned about losing younger fans to video games. And as it turns out, they're not alone.
The shifting interests of the younger generation, who increasingly prefer the quicker pace and instant gratification of video games, has become a league-wide problem. The NHL can't survive without the younger demographic, and right now that potential fanbase doesn't like what it sees from the league.
Luckily, the NHL has a plan. Sources tell me that the league is already working on several initiatives to lure gamers back to the NHL product. Here's the full list:
- Replace the shootout with an actual shootout.
- Every game, one lucky fan gets to carjack the zamboni and back over the driver.
- Four words - "Rock Band: Brass Bonanza".
- To make online gamers feel at home, replace traditional play-by-play announcers with racist and homophobic twelve-year-olds who apparently have no parents.
- Stop referring to Maple Leafs' penalty killers as "hesitant", "slow", or "lethargic". Begin referring to them as "laggy".
- During post-game interviews, encourage players to whine dramatically about the burden of avenging their dead fathers.
- All fights will now be preceded by a glass-breaking effect for some reason.
- Players will no longer be suspended for touching off full-scale brawls by leaping off of the bench and charging wildly into a melee, as long as they remember to yell "Leeroy Jenkins" first.
- All games will now feature background music. Seven seconds of background music. Repeated over, and over, and over.
- In an attempt to appeal to sci-fi gamers, maybe try killing a goalie with a laser beam.
- At the end of every season, the Art Ross winner has 30 seconds to sign his initials on the high score board.
- Look, two things we know for sure about video game fans: 1.) They love car chases. 2.) They love evil zombies. Find a way to somehow combine these. (Note: Done.)
- Tell the players to get back to making each other's heads bleed.
- To make the television broadcasts look more like a sports video game, all fans will be encouraged to dress alike, be heavily pixelated, and constantly stand up and awkwardly wave their arms around for no reason.
- Bettman: Arkham Asylum
- Instead of a final buzzer, every game will now end with a brief cutscene, classical music, and seventeen minutes of scrolling Japanese names.
- Hit the reset button on the entire league; reload saved game from 1994.