Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The NHL's plan for winning back video game fans

The Maple Leafs made some news this week when it was revealed that they're concerned about losing younger fans to video games. And as it turns out, they're not alone.

The shifting interests of the younger generation, who increasingly prefer the quicker pace and instant gratification of video games, has become a league-wide problem. The NHL can't survive without the younger demographic, and right now that potential fanbase doesn't like what it sees from the league.

Luckily, the NHL has a plan. Sources tell me that the league is already working on several initiatives to lure gamers back to the NHL product. Here's the full list:

  • Replace the shootout with an actual shootout.

  • Every game, one lucky fan gets to carjack the zamboni and back over the driver.

  • Four words - "Rock Band: Brass Bonanza".

  • To make online gamers feel at home, replace traditional play-by-play announcers with racist and homophobic twelve-year-olds who apparently have no parents.

  • Stop referring to Maple Leafs' penalty killers as "hesitant", "slow", or "lethargic". Begin referring to them as "laggy".

  • During post-game interviews, encourage players to whine dramatically about the burden of avenging their dead fathers.

  • All fights will now be preceded by a glass-breaking effect for some reason.

  • Players will no longer be suspended for touching off full-scale brawls by leaping off of the bench and charging wildly into a melee, as long as they remember to yell "Leeroy Jenkins" first.

  • All games will now feature background music. Seven seconds of background music. Repeated over, and over, and over.

  • In an attempt to appeal to sci-fi gamers, maybe try killing a goalie with a laser beam.

  • At the end of every season, the Art Ross winner has 30 seconds to sign his initials on the high score board.

  • Look, two things we know for sure about video game fans: 1.) They love car chases. 2.) They love evil zombies. Find a way to somehow combine these. (Note: Done.)

  • Tell the players to get back to making each other's heads bleed.

  • To make the television broadcasts look more like a sports video game, all fans will be encouraged to dress alike, be heavily pixelated, and constantly stand up and awkwardly wave their arms around for no reason.

  • Bettman: Arkham Asylum

  • Instead of a final buzzer, every game will now end with a brief cutscene, classical music, and seventeen minutes of scrolling Japanese names.

  • Hit the reset button on the entire league; reload saved game from 1994.




39 comments:

  1. Brilliance, as always.
    Extra marks for the timeliness of the laser comment.

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  2. I order to better reflect it's video game counterpart, all NHL games will now include 30+ penalty shots, hugely mismatched fights (in which the weakling will win), and goaltenders that will sporadically take naps during the play. They will, however, continue to arbitrarily call puck-over-the-glass delay of game penalties.

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  3. "Players will no longer be suspended for touching off full-scale brawls by leaping off of the bench and charging wildly into a melee, as long as they remember to yell "Leeroy Jenkins" first."

    - YES!

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  4. Awesome. I'm a Wings fan, but this site is one of my favorites.

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  5. Blink....Blink......who is Leeroy Jenkins?.....blink

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  6. Zombie Chris Chelios jokes never get old. Just like Chris!

    And while it's true fights don't yet begin with the sound of breaking glass, many do end with that sound ... particularly every fight Wendel Clark ever won. Dave Mackey, Dave Maley, and Slava Fetisov particularly come to mind.

    Good stuff,
    GB

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  7. It's cheaper to buy video games than it is to buy decent tickets to see the Leafs.

    Just sayin'

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  8. Rock Band: Brass Bonanza?

    I'd buy that... AT A HIGH PRICE!

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  9. Some chink in Vancouver already tried the laserbeam thing

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure that you're on of those racist and homophobic teenagers who apparently have no parents.

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  10. How about player's have to have energy gauges attached to their helmets? Full recovery!

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  11. after reading that article i noticed that peddie left out one crucial marketing strategy to attract new fans that has long been forgotten by leaf management.........what was it called again?...oh thats right; "Winning"

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  12. Also, we already have the sound of shattering glass in the NHL. It happens whenever someone touches Mike Van Ryn.............

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  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. Bettman: Arkham Asylum

    You're still the greatest.

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  15. Awesome, yet again! I can't yet to achieve 100% on the new Rock Band tuba! Sweet!

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  16. "To make online gamers feel at home, replace traditional play-by-play announcers with racist and homophobic twelve-year-olds who apparently have no parents."

    yep

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  17. WHAT ????

    I can't believe you missed on that perfect occasion to make a HEAD SHOT joke. lol

    Brass Bonanza FTW !!! :)

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  18. How about Wallin actually starts playing like an "81" rating. damn.

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  19. Re: The new "shootout", please let us know when the Leafs sign Ray Lewis and Plaxico Burress.

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  20. I feel like now is a good time to plug

    www.nhl94.com and its league HQ, www.nhl94online.com

    "you can make head bleeds in the new version!"

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  21. Ray Lewis isn't so good in shootouts, knife fights on the other hand.

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  22. Bettman: Arkham Asylum was where I lost it.

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  23. Holy crap.

    This is the funniest post I've read from you in a long time, DGB.

    This one:
    "Players will no longer be suspended for touching off full-scale brawls by leaping off of the bench and charging wildly into a melee, as long as they remember to yell "Leeroy Jenkins" first."

    Had me howling the loudest, probably due to the year and a half I spent playing WoW (blehh...)

    Golden work.

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  24. Anyone remember the NHL Hitz games? Those were the best!

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  25. The laser joke and the Chelios zombie joke were gold.

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  26. Awesome. That was by far the funniest thing I've read today.

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  27. Love this blog!
    How about my favorite part of hockey video games - each week, let one team make all the arbitrary trades they want. Hmm, we'll take Ovechkin, and you can have the 4th line center from Team Italy.

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  28. Unfortunately, racist, homophobic 12 year olds would be better colour commentators than that Pierre McGuire jerkoff TSN's running during their games.

    (They'd probably repeat themselves less, too.)

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  29. I only play NHL on my Xbox360 instead of watching Leafs games b/c 'm the youngest in the house and my parents are brown.

    This means they're watching cricket, Indian soap opears, or some Indian version of "So You Think You Can Dance" or "American Idol" when the Leaf games are on.

    I think the league needs to buy me a TV for my room so that I can watch some ****ing hockey.

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  30. Hahahaha.... Rock Band: Brass Bonanza

    I would play that for hours.

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  31. This is pure genius. More so than Peddie`s plan to become rich while Leaf fans suffer.

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  32. I have decided to refer to slow, hesitant coworkers as "laggy" now. :)

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  33. this post isnt up to the usual standard.

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  34. the Art Ross winner has 30 seconds to sign his initials on the high score board.

    Brilliant! Lets make it happen.

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  35. That list just got better and better... Loved the "laggy" line and the Leeroy Jenkins reference!

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  36. hahaha LEEEROOYY JENKINSS...great post,as always

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  37. First off, stumbled upon this blog a day ago..going to read every post ever by the end of the day..solid gold..keep it up. Btw I know nothing about hockey, and this still makes me laugh.

    Getting to the point, I'm from India, and was an avid gamer in my teens. Till I picked up NBA live 03, and played so much I knew every team and it's roster and all the rules and skills involved. Before long skill points translated on the real court. And I was hooked on the sport. Even though we get 2 Nationally televised NBA games a week, at 6 in the morning usually.

    Point being, doesn't NHL realize that a arcade style game for the young kids is doing more to familiarize them with the sport and teams and such than many of the PR stuff they do? Granted most kids won't get hooked on the sport, but can you tell me that no kid after doing something cool in the game won't long to do that in real life?

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