Monday, August 31, 2009

The NHLPA fires Paul Kelly: The top secret transcript

Paul Kelly NHLPAThe big news in hockey today was the firing of Paul Kelly as executive director of the National Hockey League Players' Association. The move came in the middle of the night, after a lengthy closed door meeting among the NHLPA's player reps and executives.

TSN's Darren Dreger is getting a lot of credit for his coverage of the meeting via his twitter account. But while Dreger was left reporting from the hallway, DGB spies were actually in the room and have forwarded me this top secret transcript.

(The 30 player reps are seated around a table in a board room. NHLPA General Counsel Ian Penny rises to speak.)

Ian Penny: Hi everyone. As you know, we're here to decide the fate of Paul Kelly. Now this could a long night, so let's dive right into it. The first speaker is NHLPA Ombudsman Buzz Hargrove.

Buzz Hargrove: Hey guys, I won't go into a ton of detail but I think I've been pretty clear with all of you about where I stand. I think you need new leadership, and I strongly encourage you to fire Paul Kelly tonight.

Players (murmurs): Yeah.

Hargrove: And you guys should listen to me, because I've spent a lifetime fighting for guys just like you in the auto unions.

Players (louder): YEAH!

Hargrove: And that industry is doing great right now!

Players: ...

Penny: OK, you know what, let's change the subject. Maybe we should take a break and talk about some of the other items on the agenda. We have a motion from the Montreal Canadiens' player rep that... let's see, I have it written down here... "Be it formally resolved that the Canadiens suck." Wait, is the Montreal player rep here tonight?

Mike Komisarek: Yes, I'm here.

Kelly: I see. Yeah, I don't think we're going to bother voting on that.

Komisarek: Right, no need. Motion carried.

Chris Chelios: As an Executive Board member, I just want to say that I'm really unhappy with the flow of communications these days. Everything is so secretive. It wasn't like this when I broke into the league.

Penny: Absolutely.

Chelios: When I was a rookie, if the union had something to tell you, they'd sit down and write you a nice letter.

Penny: OK, thanks for that Chris.

Chelios: Then they'd tie the letter to a pigeon's leg and send it on its way.

Penny: That's enough, Chris.

Chelios: And three months later, if you hadn't died of Consumption, you'd take it to the village elder and ask him to read it to you.

Everyone: ...

Chelios: I'm old.

Penny: Yes, we got that.

Hargrove: Look guys, I think what Zombie Chelios is trying to say is that you're not happy. You're getting a raw deal here, every single one of you!

Robyn Regehr: Well, except for Horcoff.

Shawn Horcoff: Hey...

Hargrove: Well, yes, obviously except for Horcoff, but he has to play in Edmonton so he doesn't count. But the rest of you should be mad as hell. Let me hear it!

Shane Doan: We need more of a say on league matters!

Hargrove: Yeah!

Eric Staal: And get rid of this stupid escrow!

Hargrove: Yeah!

Chris Phillips: And lower the salary cap!

Hargrove: Wait, what?

Phillips: Sorry. Sometimes, in pressure situations, I forget which side I'm supposed to be on.

Matt Stajan: Hey guys, could I just say something?

Penny: Sure Matt, what's on your mind?

Stajan: Well... it's just that, I can't shake the feeling that we're making a terrible mistake here. The economy is going into the toilet, and here we are getting paid millions of dollars to play a kid's game. We may have some valid concerns, but the fans who pay our salaries aren't going to have any patience for us talking about taking a hard line. I know we're all athletes and by our very nature we're competitive. But these sorts of things shouldn't be about winning or losing. Let's take a step back, try to see the big picture, and work towards forming an honest partnership with the owners. That way... we can all win.

Penny: Wow. That was really moving. Well said, Matt.

Stajan: Gosh, thanks guys.

Penny: Mike, would you give him the special "Most Eloquent Speaker" award that we talked about?

Stajan: Wait, on second thought I...

Komisarek: (Gunshot)

Hargrove (under his breath): Truculence.

Penny: OK, enough beating around the bush. Let's put this thing to a vote.

Players: Yeah!

Penny: All in favor of firing Kelly, taking a hostile approach towards ownership, getting ready for a drawn out CBA battle, losing another season or more, alienating our few remaining fans, bankrupting the league and spending the rest of our lives working at Tim Hortons and wondering what the hell happened... say aye!

Players: AYE!

Penny: All opposed, say nay.

Stajan: (Gurgle.)

Penny: Motion carried! Great work everyone. I'll see you all at next year's annual NHLPA executive director firing!




28 comments:

  1. Mirinov's NoseAugust 31, 2009 at 9:50 PM

    "And three months later, if you hadn't died of Consumption, you'd take it to the village elder and ask him to read it to you."

    Ha!
    Nicely done, as always.

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  2. So August comes in like a lamb and out like a lion!

    My favourite part was the part with the secret transcripts.

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  3. I agree with Josh, the Chris Phillips bit still has me chuckling - and love the fact that Komi has a recurring role in your posts as the hired goon!

    Brilliant as always.

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  4. The Chris Chelios part was golden.

    Did we make it to 6 for the month? Yippee!

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  5. Epic. Like usual. Glad to see Truculentism is spreading. - BTD

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  6. Truculence and Zombie Chris Chelios. Awesome as always. I am SO digging Komisarek on the Leafs and he hasn't even played yet.

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  7. It would seem that Leafs' fan's standards for satire are as low as they are for hockey.

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  8. Nicely done. I'm gonna miss Stajan. Gonna miss hockey too.

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  9. So what should we blog about when there's no more hockey?

    Additionally hockey disappearing might be ok if the Leafs manage to win the last Stanley Cup.

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  10. "It would seem that Leafs' fan's standards for satire are as low as they are for hockey."
    No-oooo, but it does seem that more and more of Leaf-basher commenters are too scared to even use an untraceable Internet handle. Or is too lazy and self-absorbed with their own non-existent importance?
    The truculence is seeping all the way down to commenting boards...

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  11. I love your work DGB but the "secret transcript" and "DGB Spies" schtick is getting kind of played out. Content is great, structure is tired

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  12. I never tire of watching that clip of Phillips' own-goal.
    And am newly enamoured with Beauchemin's cannon at 2:28!

    Aces as always DGB. Haters be damned.

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  13. "It would seem that Leafs' fan's standards for satire are as low as they are for hockey."

    Does anyone have a carrier pidgeon we can respond with?

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  14. Not bad but maybe change up your style. All you do is fake transcripts, it's getting played out

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  15. Man, you know you are big-time when you have critics complaining about what you write on your own free site.

    Speaking of which? When are you going to do another fake Twitter?

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  16. Anonymous critics nonetheless!

    Any suggestions on any "new" material DGB could be using during the DDoS?

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  17. All feedback is welcome, even anonymous critics.

    I spend more than enough time take shots at everyone else in the hockey world, I can't exactly complain if a few people do the same to me.

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  18. Hargrove (under his breath): Truculence.
    This website is a godsend. Transcripts are awesome no need to eliminate against them.
    @Galaxy I to am excited for Komi, gonna be great with Kabs. Now we just need Lucic and we will be set.
    With Lucic on board we would save the arenas we play in some time and money. They can flood the ice with the blood of our enemies.

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  19. Like a few others, I enjoyed the latest entry, but I couldn't help thinking, "Another transcript"?

    They're funny, but...ah, I don't want to criticize. I come looking to this site every day. I'm grateful for any new stories! *worshipping*

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  20. Is media cliche bingo coming back for 09-10?

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  21. Chris Phillips: And lower the salary cap!

    Hargrove: Wait, what?

    Phillips: Sorry. Sometimes, in pressure situations, I forget which side I'm supposed to be on.

    --

    Stajan: Wait, on second thought I...

    Komisarek: (Gunshot)

    Hargrove (under his breath): Truculence.

    ^These two made me roar out loud. Well done as always DGB. And keep up with the transcripts, they're gold every time.

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  22. Don't stop with the transcripts. They are always great!
    Cheers.

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  23. Between this and some of the Jesus Puck articles on checkingfrombehind.com I really have to say that The Score has probably the two funniest hockey writers I've ever read.

    Bravo as per usual DGB. Chelios part made my laugh so hard a part of me died.

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