Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Round one Eastern Conference playoff preview

"Um, should I keep going?" asked the anthem singer.
It's playoff time, which means it's time for everyone to who writes about hockey to prepare their predictions for the eight opening series. Don't fight it, it's the law.

Today we'll take a look at the Eastern Conference matchups, with the Western Conference following tomorrow. Remember, as per the official rules of playoff predictions, we all agree to never speak of these again once the first round is over.

#1 New York Rangers vs. #8 Ottawa Senators

The matchup: In a nice change of pace, the Senators have decided it might be fun to suffer a crushing playoff defeat to a different original six team.
The view from New York: Henrik Lundqvist says his injured forearm has healed enough for him to play, he supposes, since every time the team doctor shows him an "x-ray" it's actually just a picture of Martin Biron inside a circle with a line through it.
The view from Ottawa: The Senators have to be considered spoilers, assuming we're talking about all the great Senators vs. Bruins jokes I had written for this preview a week ago.
Player to watch: Erik Karlsson will try to continue racking up the points with his impressive offensive instincts despite being a squishy wet stain on the end boards after Brian Boyle's first shift.
Prediction: Two straight weeks of facing John Tortorella in the playoffs has Senator fans longing for the calm, even-tempered days of Pat Quinn.

#2 Boston Bruins vs. #7 Washington Capitals

The matchup: This series will feature a Bruins team that keeps talking about being the defending champions and pointing up at a banner that mentions some sort of weird trophy we've never seen before, according to confused Capitals players.
The view from Boston: Milan Lucic has been running at starting goaltenders all season long, and was deeply disappointed to find out that the Capitals currently don't have one.
The view from Washington: After breaking down videotape of the Bruins' seemingly endless parade of cheap shots and flagrant attempts to injure opponents, Dale Hunter has asked whether there's any chance he could be allowed to coach them instead.
Player to watch: Alexander Ovechkin will try to use his speed to stay out of the reach of Zdeno Chara, which gives him about eight square feet of ice surface to work with.
Prediction: The series sets a ratings record with viewership in the tens of millions, assuming everyone who makes a "Tim Thomas at the White House" joke over the next few days decides to tunes in.

#3 Florida Panthers vs. #6 New Jersey Devils

The matchup: In an unfortunate break for Panther fans, they get a matchup with a team full of guys who live in New Jersey and won't find it distracting to be surrounded by rats.
The view from Florida: The Panthers will plan to continue to exploit the secret to their stunning regular season success, just as soon as they figure out how to get a bonus point for losing overtime games in the playoffs
The view from New Jersey: Devils coach Peter DeBoer will be facing the team that fired him after last season, he says, and everyone who hasn't paid attention to the Panthers in years agrees to just take his word for it.
Player to watch: Panthers goaltender Jose Theodore had an excellent year after signing a cheap free agent deal in the offseason, according to the conversation your Maple Leaf fan friend is currently having with an empty bottle of scotch.
Prediction: You make this your "upset special" in the office pool, and so does everyone else in the office.

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 Philadelphia Flyers

The matchup: There may be some bad blood between the teams right now but that won't be the case by the end of the series, experts say, since by then most of that blood will be all over the ice, boards and ceiling.
The view from Pittsburgh: Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin have developed a well-deserved reputation for being whiny, since they're always saying things like "my arms hurt from celebrating goals on every second shift".
The view from Philadelphia: Assistant coach Craig Berube recently criticized the Penguins for being dirty players, according to the guy standing near the smoldering remains of the Irony-Meter.
Player to watch: Ilya Bryzgalov had a reputation for poor playoff performances in Phoenix but Flyers officials say they're confident he'll find it much easier to succeed now that he's under less pressure in Philadelphia, before pausing and admitting that that sounded a lot better in their heads.
Prediction: After watching several games of this violent rivalry, Matt Cooke can no longer contain the urge to gnaw through the ropes, escape the padded room Mario Lemieux had him locked in, tackle the semi-lifelike android that took his spot in the lineup in training camp, hurdle onto the ice and start elbowing craniums.


  1. The Lucic line was gold. Or something better than gold. It was that good.

  2. Let's go Blue Jays

  3. I read this, then I read last year's version, then I had a sad.

  4. Love the photo caption!

  5. Many gems in this edition... I loved the Dale Hunter comment.... Really looking forward to DGB's version of the MLSE full page newspaper apology print..

  6. I had the same response to 'the view from Florida' as I did to 'the view from Philadelphia': "EXACTLY!"

  7. This shows no predictions. This was actually lame. I cannot believe that you wasted time and bandwidth to post this garbage.

    Please tell me this isn't your day job, if so, may I suggest looking through monster dot com?

    Lame. Lame. Lame

    1. Yeah, I can't believe that a blog that describes itself as "Hockey Humor and/or Humour" would actually make a blog that makes jokes instead of actual predictions.

      And getting paid to write about hockey and make jokes sounds like an awful, awful job.

    2. You're joking, right? Like, seriously, I hope you're joking. I really do.

    3. ...Mike? Is that you? We've missed you!

    4. Welcome back Mike!

  8. Lame? may I suggest you get som e sort of life and leave the humour to those of us who can actually understand it?

    Awesome as always DGB.

  9. Yipes - Mr Anonymous -- I'm a crank sometimes, but I think you need some of Matt Cooke's happy pills.

    After all, if he can go from causing concussions and giggling about it to frolicking through fields of dandelions with the bunnies.. There's hope for you!

  10. @anonymous
    If you're looking for "team A wins in X games" go check NHL.com or something. Or better yet, come up with your own predictions. This is THE best blog on the internet, nevermind amongst hockey blogs.
    I assume you stumbled upon this after realizing you had no idea why you joined that playoff pool at work, and then quickly googled "2012 playoff picks."
    Keep up the great work, DGB.

  11. Did you type this up all by yourself while wearing your Crosby jersey?

    I agree with anon....

    Not your best work DGB.

    1. C'mon, man, when you read these, you can't cheer for a team, you have to read it without bias. Makes it a lot funnier.

  12. Where's condescending Wonka when you need him...?

  13. As a Penguins fan, the Matt Cooke joke is one of the best ones that has been told this season. Well done.

  14. This is my first time to see this blog and I am pissed that I have not found it sooner. Brovo sir! This had me rolling when I read it. The Washington/Boston write up is pure gold.

    I found this blog through a forum that I visit daily and I must say I am waiting to read more.

    Thank you for the laughs.

  15. The next question is: will DGB be able to resist a Luongo joke in the West preview?


    : )

    1. This is the funniest post ever

  16. The view from Boston: Milan Lucic has been running at starting goaltenders all season long, and was deeply disappointed to find out that the Capitals currently don't have one.
    The view from Washington: After breaking down videotape of the Bruins' seemingly endless parade of cheap shots and flagrant attempts to injure opponents, Dale Hunter has asked whether there's any chance he could be allowed to coach them instead.


    Both of these were utterly brilliant!

  17. Regarding the caption, I think back to the scene in Slapshot where one of the Hanson Brothers says "I'm trying to listen to the f'ing song!" I'm sure Ocechkin would love to know where the 8 feet of space Chara can't reach is, but if he wants to make it 9 feet, maybe he just needs to slewfoot (or knee bump) Chara - would probably take Chara at least 5 minutes to notice him!

    I love the writeup - just wish my team was in there, but they were too busy with teetimes.

  18. Hey, hey, hey now. As a Flyers fan, I must say Pronger isn't in and Hartnell's dirty ways usually only fall on Phaneuf. So, let's just put the past behind us.

    Oh, and Rinaldo doesn't count.

    Pure gold.

    Suck it, Phaneuf.

  19. Matt Cooke line was the best line of the year. This post is GOLD!!!!! Now onto read the West :)

  20. born and raised in jersey, that line about the rats killed me

  21. Berube/Irony-Meter joke FTW!

  22. Your comment about Boyle and Karlsson was scary accurate. Good thing Carkner took care of Boyle afterwards. I mean if the guy turtles after you've already hit him, you might as well keep hitting him while he lays there right?