Tuesday, March 30, 2010

ESPN's NHL player survey: The missing questions

Richard Dawson is a pimp
Survey says...
The April 5th issue of ESPN The Magazine will contain the annual NHL player's poll, in which 50 players were asked about a variety of subjects. The poll yielded some interesting results, as players weighed in on topics such as PEDs, officiating, groupies, and more.

But something's wrong. All the media reports, and even the actual ESPN article, only make reference to 20 questions. And I happen to know there were 30, because I have a copy of the full results.

I don't know why the extra ten questions haven't been reported on. I'm thinking it may have just been an oversight. So I'm going to fix that right now, by revealing the ten NHL player poll questions ESPN forgot to tell you about.

The players are currently hiring a new head for the player's association. What is the most important qualification that your ideal candidate would have?
13% - Experience recovering from disastrous work stoppages.
11% - Inability to hack into e-mail systems.
8% - Some vague sense of familiarity with the sport of hockey, although to be honest that's really more of a "nice-to-have".
68% - We have a player's association?

Which team would you least like to be playing for?
13% - Columbus Blue Jackets
16% - Florida Panthers
12% - New York Islanders
59% - Whoever has to play the Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs.

Do you think Alexander Ovechkin will hit the 50-goal mark this season?
74% - Yes
15% - No
11% - Only if it turns its back to him first

The NHL is rumored to be considering another round of expansion. Would this be a good idea?
31% - No.
28% - No!
24% - Good lord, no.
17% - Yes.
17% - Just kidding... but seriously: No.

Should the NHL alter its overtime format for the playoffs?
23% - Yes, introduce 4-on-4 overtime for the playoffs.
17% - Yes, introduce the shootout for the playoffs.
45% - No, do not change the overtime format for the playoffs.
5% - I am a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs and I do not understand the question.

Do you think it's ridiculous that in today's NHL, a team can lose more games than they win and still be considered over .500?
58% - Yes
54% - No

Travis Moen recent suffered a gruesome eye injury that nearly ended his career. Why don't more players wear visors?
27% - Find that it reduces peripheral vision.
34% - Stigma that tough players don't wear them.
22% - Not necessary since chance of suffering a serious eye injury are probably small.
17% - What? Who said that? Is there somebody in the room?

What's the single most important thing a hockey player can accomplish during their career?
23% - Stanley Cup championship
18% - Olympic gold medal
13% - Hall of Fame induction
38% - Trade out of Edmonton

There is growing concern over the number of serious injuries to NHL players. What's your best advice to fellow players on staying healthy?
19% - Hide behind the mascot any time Shea Weber winds up for a slapshot.
25% - Spend a lot of time standing next to Rick DiPietro; at least you'll look healthy by comparison.
12% - Never make eye contact with Colton Orr.
34% - Try to get an appointment with the Capitals' team "chiropractor".

The Winter Classic has become an unqualified success, generating massive fan interest and historic television ratings. How will the NHL ruin it?
11% - Hold it more than once per season.
10% - Play the game in indoor stadiums in southern markets like Dallas.
15% - Start re-using the same teams every year.
64% - Not sure, but have an absolute and unwavering faith that Gary Bettman will figure something out.




32 comments:

  1. More brilliance; keep it up!

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  2. Do you think it's ridiculous that in today's NHL, a team can lose more games than they win and still be considered over .500?

    58% - Yes
    54% - No




    That's like "next level" type of funny. It's too witty. Excellent post.

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  3. Do you think it's ridiculous that in today's NHL, a team can lose more games than they win and still be considered over .500?
    58% - Yes
    54% - No

    I can't believe I read this like 3 times going "I don't get it".

    Apparently math is not my strong suit...

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  4. There it is again! Just one typo in the article!

    Now you're just screwing with me.

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  5. I agree with Triple Deke... I spat coffee when reading that.

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  6. You're asking for it with the Capitals joke...The Bandwagon thinks them's fightin' words.

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  7. how do you feel about Kerry Fraser taking top Ref honours in the real survey?

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  8. Toooo funny...the best in a bit.

    Literal laugh out loud funny

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  9. @Matt...

    Let's just say I may have a word or two on Fraser next week.

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  10. You, sir, are a genius. Comedic gold.

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  11. Fantastic stuff. I laughed at the Leafs' answer to the "playoffs" question, but I'm crying on the inside, like a European art film.

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  12. I'm really cheap..I mean really really cheap.

    Where can I read the other 20 questions for free?

    Also: Good job Mr. Goes Down Brown.

    Everyone keeps quoting the math one, but this si the best of the bunch..

    "Do you think Alexander Ovechkin will hit the 50-goal mark this season?
    74% - Yes
    15% - No
    11% - Only if it turns its back to him first"

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  13. Hey remember when Chad Kilger was banging the Leafs masseuse so they traded him to Florida, where he had a long, successful stint?

    Wait. What?

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  14. I love the Caps and your Ovechkin question made me LOL!! That's the mark of true comedy...very nice job as always.

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  15. Longtime reader, first time poster. This one put me over the top. Keep up the good work!

    P.S. Thanks for not hating on the Habs... too much.

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  17. Great stuff, DBG - interesting response to the last one that goes to show the players' faith in Bettman, lol

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  18. Awesome stuff, man. You're on a serious roll. Klaus should be proud.

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  19. As a Red Wings fan, I thank you very much for question 2. And as usual, GOLD! Very nice.

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  20. 64% - Not sure, but have an absolute and unwavering faith that Gary Bettman will figure something out.


    Unfortunately the closest to the truth.

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  21. Outstanding post! Hilarious as always. Congrats on Slapshots too.

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  22. Dude, you deserve better than just a blog on a second-rate rag like the New York Times.

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  23. LOL Another Classic.
    58% - Yes
    54% - No
    Ha Ha Coffee out the nos funny Thanks.

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  24. i think it's time to update the leafs facebook page

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  25. Should the NHL alter its overtime format for the playoffs?
    ...
    5% - I am a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs and I do not understand the question.

    :(

    It's sad (yet funny) because it's true.

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  26. Just bounced over here from NYT (I think) and you are now on my favorites list.

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  27. Bahahaha, my favourites were the Ovechkin and .500 questions. Great stuff.

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  28. Brilliance. Love the Leafs playoff reference!

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  29. Math nerd time:
    If the poll was 50 players, then the percentages should all be multiples of 2% ;)

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  30. It does help in a very definitive way to have such survey results circulated. They provide a fine insight into the workings that take place.
    Survey Polls

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  31. In other news, the NHL is now believed to be planning six outdoor games for next year.

    Come clean with us, DGB: are you a wizard?

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