Friday, November 27, 2009

Ten reasons the Maple Leafs might fire Carlton the Bear

Carlton the Bear
Hit the bricks, loser.
According to Sportsnet, which is a mainstream media organization with strict editorial standards and would therefore not be wrong about something like this, the Maple Leafs have fired Carlton the Bear. (Update: Carlton himself denies it.)

And while this news may come as a shock to some, sources tell me it's actually been in the making for some time. In fact, Carlton's employee file lists ten problems that contributed to his termination.

Thanks to my spies at the ACC, here's a full list of the reasons behind Carlton's dismissal.
  • Timing made sense, since comprehensive no-movement clause given to him by John Ferguson Jr. finally expired.

  • Signature "look" of a dark blue Maple Leafs jersey and no pants was widely acknowledged to have been stolen from Larry Tanenbaum.

  • Lingering bitterness over that time he killed and ate Vesa Toskala's glove hand.

  • Was never quite the same after his long-standing franchise raw fish eating record was shattered by Kyle Wellwood.

  • Turns out it was his idea to get Alan Frew to record a song about the Leafs.

  • The Blue Jays got rid of BJ Birdie in 1999, and MLSE has seen how well that worked out for them.

  • Despite being a seven-foot-tall polar bear, still whimpered like a girl every time Colton Orr made eye contact.

  • During course of a typical home game, repeatedly violated MLSE's strict employee policy of never intentionally interacting with any fans, ever.

  • Team must respect clause in Jason Blake's contract stipulating that he always be the palest person in the organization.

  • The team has only five wins all year; obviosuly someone has to be held accountable.




21 comments:

  1. I shit you not, it turns out the story was inaccurate. I cant believe there was a story to begin with, but there you go.

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  2. http://mapleleafs.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=507662

    Still funny, though. :)

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  3. I was going to make a crack that so and so would be the only bear left on the ice but there's so many faux-hawks on the Leafs that they must run out of bodywax.

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  4. Despite being a seven-foot-tall polar bear, still whimpered like a girl every time Colton Orr made eye contact.

    Yet Carlton the Bear gets more icetime than Orr.

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  5. Al "Spurned Divorcee" IafrateNovember 27, 2009 at 2:30 PM

    Wonder who it was at Sportsnet (original report) that fell for this one. Talk about getting caught with your pants down.

    Speaking of which, I thought Carlton stole the blue jersey/no pants shtick from Donald Duck. Who knew?

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  6. They can't possibly can a member of an endangered species - they would have to beat off PETA, Greenpeace, and every other wacko environmental organization (those that are a little loose on the concept of the science of ecology and freak out over hunting deer or addling swan eggs instead of something important) with an organically-grown, sustainably-harvested stick of non-endangered wood. :)

    Too much trouble - easier to keep the bear on staff and spin the misunderstanding.

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  7. Team must respect clause in Jason Blake's contract stipulating that he always be the palest person in the organization.

    HAHAHA!!!

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  8. Frankly, I'm surprised I've never heard any fan demand his dismissal yet.

    If you never go to a game (i.e. most actual fans) you never get to see his scoreboard vignettes mocking the other team. So then what does he represent? Some cuddly, childish, face of the organization. Clearly this doesn't fit in with the team's truculent plans. A real bear, on the other hand...

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  9. Gary "Creamin'" LeemanNovember 27, 2009 at 4:13 PM

    Hey Wild Thing, I left my pants at your house a few years back. Think I can get 'em back next time I'm in town?

    Thanks Al,

    -Gary

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  10. "Team must respect clause in Jason Blake's contract stipulating that he always be the palest person in the organization."

    Awesome

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  11. Dude... You are awesome. The Best Kyle Wellwood fat jokes in the entire Barilkosphere (or any blog in general)

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  12. Toskola? check
    Blake? check
    Wellwood? bonus!

    love the digs. seriously though, that bear can go fuck himself

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  13. Blake sometimes has color, you just have to strangle him with his own jersey ala Messier.

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  14. I'd rather have Carlton than Fin, who looks like he has some degree of mental retardation

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  15. That's it, I quit this blog.

    WTF were you thinking posting a link to that song?!?!?!

    It's Alan FREAKIN' Frew for Christs' sake!

    Think of the children, man. Think of the children.

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  16. When Burke mentioned there were tough decisions coming down the pipe I didn't expect this. I hope the rest of the team takes notice ... If it can happen to THE BEAR, it can happen to any of them. I thought Burke might wait until the trade deadline though, when we might bring back one of those first round picks he's been talking about. Anyway, sorry to see him go but maybe this is the kind of shake-up this team needed.

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  17. thank you for quality material, I need to laugh,my Wings getting shutout 2 straight home games after 37 or so years,I really admire Leafs fans for keeping your heads up through all those times,looks like Kessel will drag the team with him to some needed wins,please keep up the good work,greetings from Slovenia,Europe.
    Edin

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  18. Oh man, DGB is always the perfect place to go for a laugh.

    Most underrated:Timing made sense, since comprehensive no-movement clause given to him by John Ferguson Jr. finally expired.

    Fantastic.
    Way to be.

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  19. Tangent warning:
    @Shaner & others: I know there are a lot of Frew song haters out there, but I am firmly in the other corner. As a Leaf fan, I believe it is our responsibility to support any endeavor that would infuriate Habs fans everywhere. To put the words "Canada's team" to song over a montage of Leafs almost certainly puts every CH-wearing mouth-breather into a tizzy of self-doubt and righteous indignation.
    And even those who have a decidedly regional fan base (i.e., Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton and some other town whose name escapes me) might also get worked up about it. Even better.

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  20. To comment on your twitter... Tiger Woods a good North American boy? he chirped hockey.
    who cant back out of their own driveway? Must be the Asian in him...

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