Ten reasons the Maple Leafs might fire Carlton the Bear

Hit the bricks, loser.

According to Sportsnet, which is a mainstream media organization with strict editorial standards and would therefore not be wrong about something like this, the Maple Leafs have fired Carlton the Bear. (Update: Carlton himself denies it.)

And while this news may come as a shock to some, sources tell me it's actually been in the making for some time. In fact, Carlton's employee file lists ten problems that contributed to his termination.

Thanks to my spies at the ACC, here's a full list of the reasons behind Carlton's dismissal.

• Timing made sense, since comprehensive no-movement clause given to him by John Ferguson Jr. finally expired.
  
  
• Signature "look" of a dark blue Maple Leafs jersey and no pants was widely acknowledged to have been stolen from Larry Tanenbaum.
  
  
• Lingering bitterness over that time he killed and ate Vesa Toskala's glove hand.
  
  
• Was never quite the same after his long-standing franchise raw fish eating record was shattered by Kyle Wellwood.
  
  
• Turns out it was his idea to get Alan Frew to record a song about the Leafs.
  
  
• The Blue Jays got rid of BJ Birdie in 1999, and MLSE has seen how well that worked out for them.
  
  
• Despite being a seven-foot-tall polar bear, still whimpered like a girl every time Colton Orr made eye contact.
  
  
• During course of a typical home game, repeatedly violated MLSE's strict employee policy of never intentionally interacting with any fans, ever.
  
  
• Team must respect clause in Jason Blake's contract stipulating that he always be the palest person in the organization.
  
  
• The team has only five wins all year; obviosuly someone has to be held accountable.