Wait, I was wrong.
But that's fine, because now it's November (when it matters). And while some might point out that the Leafs have already fallen so far behind a playoff pace that the rest of the season if essentially futile, I remain optimistic. Because the Leafs still have Ron Wilson, and Ron Wilson has a plan.
How do I know? Because I've seen it. DGB spies found it in his office in a folder labeled "super top secret" and they were kind enough to send me a copy. And because I know that loyal Leaf fans could use some reassurance that everything is under control, I'm reprinting it here.
Here's Ron Wilson's 15-point plan for getting the Leafs back on track:
- Have goaltending coaches work extensively with Vesa Toskala on positioning. Specifically, how to position his ass on the end of the bench for the remainder of the season.
- Reconsider season-long policy of having the team's penalty kill strategy organized by the NHLPA executive committee.
- Keep reminding Brian Burke that coaching a team full of overmatched losers who suffer crushing defeat in every game they play will actually end up being invaluable experience once the Olympics start.
- From now on, before every game each member of the starting lineup must eat a hair from Ian White's moustache.
- Look through pockets of pants we were wearing on July 1, see if we can find the receipt for Mike Komisarek.
- Get everyone's mind off of current slump by taking entire team to see the big-budget Hollywood blockbuster "2012", which is presumably the true story of the Leafs' next decent draft pick.
- I don't know, maybe ask Luke Schenn to not suck so much this year?
- Continue to send guys like Stalberg, Bozak and Tlusty to the minors if they don't perform, sending a clear and unmistakable message that roster spots on this team must be earned (assuming you're a rookie, and not a veteran third-liner, in which case don't worry about it.)
- Practices will no longer include an intensive drill called "How to take a lazy, momentum-killing holding penalty at the worst possible time".
- Continue with brilliant scheme of winning one game in October, two in November, four in December and so on. By the time foolish opposition realizes our plan, we'll have clinched a playoff spot thanks to 64-win April.
- Send Jason Blake home from practice with suggestion that he get some well-deserved rest. Then, when he's napping, quietly move his bed into the 401 collector lane.
- Have players spend time in soundproof hyperbaric chambers to better prepare them for the atmosphere during home games at the ACC.
- New practice drill: pointing at Tomas Kaberle and yelling "Everyone be like him!"
- Make sure Phil Kessel understands that despite mounting pressure due to fan and media expectations, it's actually completely fine if he doesn't score a goal on a particular shift as long as he remembers to come back and score two on the next one.
- Work on resume.