Monday, May 4, 2009

Minnesota Wild GM interview: The full transcript


Dear Minnesota: You are screwed.
Sportsnet.ca is reporting today that Pat Quinn, John Ferguson Jr. and Pierre McGuire are all candidates for the vacant Minnesota Wild GM job. But while Sportsnet gets credit for a scoop on the initial story, they left out some important details.

DGB sources have informed me that not only have the three candidates already been interviewed, but that in order to speed up the process all three were interviewed at the same time.

And believe it or not, I've managed to obtain a full transcript of the interview:

Minnesota Wild Owner Craig Leipold: Gentlemen, I want to thank you all for agreeing to meet with me on such short notice. I know this interview format is a little unusual, but we're really eager to choose a candidate and move forward.

Pat Quinn: No problem, let's do this.

John Ferguson Jr: Greg, I just want to say that it's really great to be here in Milwaukee.

Pierre McGuire: I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET STARTED!

Leipold: Pierre, why are you yelling?

McGuire: I'M NOT! THIS IS MY NORMAL TONE OF VOICE!

Leipold: Could you be a little quieter?

McGuire: NO SIR I CAN NOT!

Leipold: What if you tried whispering?

McGuire: LIKE THIS?

Leipold: No, like whispering as quietly as you could. Like a baby mouse telling a secret in a church.

McGuire: You mean like this!!!

Leipold: Good enough. Let's start with some questions. Mr. Quinn, what makes you the best candidate for this position?

Quinn: I've been a winner pretty much everywhere I've ever been. In my last job as a general manager I built a team that consistently put up 100 point season, went deep into the playoffs, and was stocked top-to-bottom with all-stars and future hall-of-famers.

Leipold: Impressive. What happened next?

Quinn: Great question. Why don't you ask numb-nuts over here?

Ferguson: Hey!

Leipold: We'll get to him in a minute. But first, Mr. Quinn, if you were hired, what's the first thing you would do?

Quinn: Do you have any prospects or draft picks?

Leipold: Oh yes, we have one of the best farm systems in the league.

Quinn: Yeah, don't worry, I'd fix that problem for you pretty quick.

Leipold: It's not a "problem", it's actually... Mr. Quinn, would you please put that cigar out?

Quinn: Make me.

Leipold: I think it's bothering the other candidates.

Quinn (blowing smoke rings in Ferguson's face): You don't say.

(A loud clang as something heavy and metallic drops onto the Leipold's desk.)

McGuire: Hey look, one of us seems to have dropped a Stanley Cup ring on the desk!!! I wonder who that could have been!!!

Quinn: (Icy silence.)

McGuire: Oh right, it must be mine since I'm the only one who has one!!! Sorry about that!!! Carry on!!!

Leipold: Mr. Ferguson, what about you? If you were hired, what's the first thing you would do?

Ferguson: Trade for a goaltender.

Leipold: Um... we already have Nik Backstrom, one of the best goalies in the league. Why on earth would you want to trade for another one?

(Awkward pause.)

Ferguson: It's all I know how to do.

Secretary (buzzing in on phone): Excuse me, Mr. Leipold?

Leipold: Hold on a second... yes?

Secretary: There are 25 NHL general managers on the phone, wanting to talk to Mr. Ferguson.

Leipold: Tell them he hasn't been hired yet.

Secretary: Will do.

Leipold: Does anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share about the other candidates?

Ferguson: I'd just like to point out that there's about a 50% chance that Pat Quinn will die of a heart attack in the next few years.

Leipold: Mr. Quinn, your response?

Quinn: I'd like to point out that there's about a 90% chance this little bastard is going to die in the elevator immediately after this interview ends.

Leipold: Pierre?

McGuire: I tell you Craig, it is getting really heated down here!!! This thing is going to explode!!! And even though I am obviously incredibly excited about the potential for violence, I will annoy everyone by acting outraged when it actually happens!!!

Leipold: Thanks Pierre.

Ferguson: I'd like to mention that while Pierre McGuire has extensive experience as a coach and a broadcaster, he has never been an NHL general manager. And hiring a general manager without NHL experience is very risky.

Leipold: Good point.

Ferguson: Because they will run your franchise into the ground.

Leipold: Got it.

Ferguson: Completely. It will take years to dig out from the wreckage.

Leipold: Pierre, your response to that?

McGuire: I may not have experience as a general manager, but I have spent the past several years working very closely with a former GM!!!

Leipold: You don't mean...

McGuire: Mike Milbury!!!

Leipold: (Horrified silence.)

McGuire: He taught me everything he knows!!!

Leipold: Pierre, can I talk to you outside for a moment?

McGuire: Sure!!!

(Leipold and McGuire stand up and walk to the door. Leipold opens the door, motions for McGuire to walk through, then immediately slams it shut and locks the deadbolt.)

McGuire (pounding on locked door): HEY!!!

Leipold (returning to his seat): So we're down to two. Pat and John, I want to ask you... um, why is John sprawled out on the floor?

Quinn: He said he needed a little nap.

Leipold: Really? Because it looks like somebody knocked him out.

Quinn (shrugs): Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that.

Leipold: And also somebody extinguished a cigar in his ear.

Quinn: Are we done here?

Leipold: I think so. Thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.

Quinn: I didn't get the job, did I?

Leipold: We'll be in touch.

Quinn: Blow it out your ass, college boy.

Leipold: That didn't even make sense.

Quinn: (Storms out.)

Leipold: Sigh. (Buzzes intercom on phone.)

Secretary: Yes sir?

Leipold: That didn't go so well. Time for Plan B.

Secretary: Not...

Leipold: That's right. Get me Gord Stellick.




17 comments:

  1. Can't....
    stop....
    laughing!

    Awesome as always DGB

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  2. absolutely fricken brilliant... laughed non-stop !!!

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  3. Man, that JFJ is one lazy bastard- taking carpet naps right in the middle of an interview. If I had any brains whatsoever and was part of the GM selection team for a premium franchise like, say, the Leafs, I wouldn't give that guy the time of day.

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  4. if they named all three of these guys co-GM's... jeebus

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  5. DGB you magnificent bastard, you've done it again!!!1

    Simply hysterical.

    Let's bring back Pat Quinn. He's such a boss.

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  6. Very nice detective work, DGB.

    Though I hope the Wild wake him up long enough to get him signed. Backstrom for Toskala and a 7th? I can live with that.

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  7. blindfolded tank driverMay 4, 2009 at 10:35 PM

    fantastic DGB...as always! Now I must return to cross my fingers in hopes one of these guys gets this gig! It would be a moment of anti-genius! Like hiring Melrose

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  8. haha

    I'd love McGuire to get the job - his post and press conferences would be by far the best in the league

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  9. Ferguson got ripped a new one. I can't belive someone actually WANTS to hire him after the crap he did in Toronto. Hell if he gets hired maybe he should trade us Josh Harding so that we have a half decent goalie prospect.

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  10. Gordo at the end was a nice touch. Brilliant as always.

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  11. DGB, my hat f=goes off to you

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  12. DGB - I now will turn to you for all the inside NHL info.

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  13. I'm glad you got rid of the Twitter. Now we get to be assaulted by massive dumpings of hilarity instead of daily doses.

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  14. Well done as always.

    Look at the bright side, at least they didn't bother to give Milbury an interview.

    I mean, seriously, if you could only pick one of two men to be your GM, who would you pick: Milbury, or JFJ?

    Think I'd have to go with JFJ on that one. At least I'd know I'd never be short of goaltenders in the system.

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  15. LOL - excellent. Note to self: do not sleep at a job interview.

    But in all seriousness, I think McGuire is the best choice for the Wild (I wrote an article on it myself).

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  16. I hope that Minnesota takes McGuire, just so I never have to listen to that idiot during a game again.

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