DGB sources have informed me that not only have the three candidates already been interviewed, but that in order to speed up the process all three were interviewed at the same time.
And believe it or not, I've managed to obtain a full transcript of the interview:
Minnesota Wild Owner Craig Leipold: Gentlemen, I want to thank you all for agreeing to meet with me on such short notice. I know this interview format is a little unusual, but we're really eager to choose a candidate and move forward.
Pat Quinn: No problem, let's do this.
John Ferguson Jr: Greg, I just want to say that it's really great to be here in Milwaukee.
Pierre McGuire: I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET STARTED!
Leipold: Pierre, why are you yelling?
McGuire: I'M NOT! THIS IS MY NORMAL TONE OF VOICE!
Leipold: Could you be a little quieter?
McGuire: NO SIR I CAN NOT!
Leipold: What if you tried whispering?
McGuire: LIKE THIS?
Leipold: No, like whispering as quietly as you could. Like a baby mouse telling a secret in a church.
McGuire: You mean like this!!!
Leipold: Good enough. Let's start with some questions. Mr. Quinn, what makes you the best candidate for this position?
Quinn: I've been a winner pretty much everywhere I've ever been. In my last job as a general manager I built a team that consistently put up 100 point season, went deep into the playoffs, and was stocked top-to-bottom with all-stars and future hall-of-famers.
Leipold: Impressive. What happened next?
Quinn: Great question. Why don't you ask numb-nuts over here?
Leipold: We'll get to him in a minute. But first, Mr. Quinn, if you were hired, what's the first thing you would do?
Quinn: Do you have any prospects or draft picks?
Leipold: Oh yes, we have one of the best farm systems in the league.
Quinn: Yeah, don't worry, I'd fix that problem for you pretty quick.
Leipold: It's not a "problem", it's actually... Mr. Quinn, would you please put that cigar out?
Quinn: Make me.
Leipold: I think it's bothering the other candidates.
Quinn (blowing smoke rings in Ferguson's face): You don't say.
(A loud clang as something heavy and metallic drops onto the Leipold's desk.)
McGuire: Hey look, one of us seems to have dropped a Stanley Cup ring on the desk!!! I wonder who that could have been!!!
Quinn: (Icy silence.)
McGuire: Oh right, it must be mine since I'm the only one who has one!!! Sorry about that!!! Carry on!!!
Leipold: Mr. Ferguson, what about you? If you were hired, what's the first thing you would do?
Ferguson: Trade for a goaltender.
Leipold: Um... we already have Nik Backstrom, one of the best goalies in the league. Why on earth would you want to trade for another one?
Ferguson: It's all I know how to do.
Secretary (buzzing in on phone): Excuse me, Mr. Leipold?
Leipold: Hold on a second... yes?
Secretary: There are 25 NHL general managers on the phone, wanting to talk to Mr. Ferguson.
Leipold: Tell them he hasn't been hired yet.
Secretary: Will do.
Leipold: Does anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share about the other candidates?
Ferguson: I'd just like to point out that there's about a 50% chance that Pat Quinn will die of a heart attack in the next few years.
Leipold: Mr. Quinn, your response?
Quinn: I'd like to point out that there's about a 90% chance this little bastard is going to die in the elevator immediately after this interview ends.
McGuire: I tell you Craig, it is getting really heated down here!!! This thing is going to explode!!! And even though I am obviously incredibly excited about the potential for violence, I will annoy everyone by acting outraged when it actually happens!!!
Leipold: Thanks Pierre.
Ferguson: I'd like to mention that while Pierre McGuire has extensive experience as a coach and a broadcaster, he has never been an NHL general manager. And hiring a general manager without NHL experience is very risky.
Leipold: Good point.
Ferguson: Because they will run your franchise into the ground.
Leipold: Got it.
Ferguson: Completely. It will take years to dig out from the wreckage.
Leipold: Pierre, your response to that?
McGuire: I may not have experience as a general manager, but I have spent the past several years working very closely with a former GM!!!
Leipold: You don't mean...
McGuire: Mike Milbury!!!
Leipold: (Horrified silence.)
McGuire: He taught me everything he knows!!!
Leipold: Pierre, can I talk to you outside for a moment?
(Leipold and McGuire stand up and walk to the door. Leipold opens the door, motions for McGuire to walk through, then immediately slams it shut and locks the deadbolt.)
McGuire (pounding on locked door): HEY!!!
Leipold (returning to his seat): So we're down to two. Pat and John, I want to ask you... um, why is John sprawled out on the floor?
Quinn: He said he needed a little nap.
Leipold: Really? Because it looks like somebody knocked him out.
Quinn (shrugs): Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that.
Leipold: And also somebody extinguished a cigar in his ear.
Quinn: Are we done here?
Leipold: I think so. Thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.
Quinn: I didn't get the job, did I?
Leipold: We'll be in touch.
Quinn: Blow it out your ass, college boy.
Leipold: That didn't even make sense.
Quinn: (Storms out.)
Leipold: Sigh. (Buzzes intercom on phone.)
Secretary: Yes sir?
Leipold: That didn't go so well. Time for Plan B.
Leipold: That's right. Get me Gord Stellick.