Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Take the quiz: Should you fire your coach?

"Hey, why does that guy watching practice
with Feaster look like Bob Boughner
wearing a fake mustache and glasses?"
The NHL's coaching ranks were shuffled last week, with three head coaches losing their jobs. That's an unpleasant reality of the business, and ideally we'd all just move on afterwards to focus on some better news.

But the hockey world being the tough place that it is, it didn't take long before all eyes turned to the remaining coaches of teams that aren't meeting expectations. Would there be more teams making changes in the near future? Who might be the next to go? And most important of all, would it be the right call?

Surveys have shown that the majority of DGB readers are active NHL general managers, so I know this is an important topic. So if you're in charge of a struggling NHL team and you're wondering if now is the time to fire your coach, here's a simple quiz that can provide the answer.

After a tough loss a few weeks ago, your coach retreated to the privacy of his office. From outside, you could overhear him:
a.) Angrily smashing furniture at the realization that the team won't go 82-0.
b.) Calmly reassuring his assistants that it's OK to lose the occasional game, as long as it doesn't happen more than once a month.
c.) Excitedly phoning Gary Bettman to ask if this is one of those losses where the league magically give out a bonus point for no real reason.
d.) Wondering why the Anaheim Ducks keep calling his cell phone every time his team loses.

When some were calling for you to make a coaching change earlier in the season, you resisted because:
a.) You have absolute confidence that he's the right man to lead your team to the Stanley Cup.
b.) You think it's only fair to give him until at least mid-season to right the ship.
c.) The coach showed you the section of the rulebook that says that teams from Ohio can't fire anyone mid-season no matter how bad they are, although come to think of it that part was scrawled in the margins and seems to be in his handwriting.
d.) You want to have a frank discussion with the coach in an appropriate setting, and have so far failed to find a suitable barn available for rent.

You've become concerned while watching your team play, because:
a.) They seem to be getting complacent with all the constant winning.
b.) They're starting to make occasional errors that they didn't make in previous seasons.
c.) Your players can't even execute on basic hockey fundamentals that every other team uses, like covering their man or clearing the zone.
d.) Your players can't even execute on basic hockey fundamentals that every other team uses, like blatantly steamrolling Ryan Miller as soon as he steps on the ice.

You are beginning to suspect that your franchise player may have lost faith in the coach, because:
a.) He is occasionally slightly out of position on his coverage assignments.
b.) His stats this season are not up to his usual standards.
c.) He wears noise-cancelling headphones whenever the coach is outline strategy during a late-game timeout, unlike his teammates who only wear those little iPod ear buds.
d.) He just announced that he's willing to waive his no-trade clause, which was awkward because the anthem singer wasn't done with the microphone yet.

You've wondered whether your next coach should be somebody from outside the organization who would bring a fresh perspective, but that may prove difficult because:
a.) The current coaching staff is working so well.
b.) Your organization has developed many excellent candidates internally and it's only fair that they get their chance at the job first.
c.) Thanks to that stupid internet, coaching candidates from other teams are now able to quickly look up your roster and then immediately hang up on you.
d.) Every available NHL coach keeps telling you "Actually, I already worked for you in recent years and you fired me, Bryan."

If you do decide to make a change, your ideal replacement candidate would be:
a.) Someone exactly like the current coach.
b.) Someone who shares the current coach's strengths and improves on his areas of weakness.
c.) Somebody who knows how to say "You know, eight minutes seems kind of long for one shift" in Russian.
d.) Someone who was once a third-liner for the Toronto Maple Leafs, since that's apparently the only qualification for a head coaching job in this league.

Scoring: Tally up your answers and check below to see how you did.
Mostly a.) Clear some room in the team trophy case for this year's Jack Adams.
Mostly b.) You may need to consider a move, but don't act too quickly.
Mostly c.) You need to make a change. Look around and see if you can find a pink slip anywhere.
Mostly d.) Oh, what luck - your owner is tapping you on the shoulder while holding one right now!




13 comments:

  1. Is it bad that it took me a minute to remember that there actually IS a hockey team in Ohio? =/

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  2. Loving the Leaf third line comment.

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  3. Brent Sutter is the ugliest man in the history of hockey.

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  4. @LoCoDe Mike Ricci would argue with that.

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  5. Eh it was alright, granted you have the highest of standards already. Read more like something I'd see on Down Goes Spezza

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  6. DGB, Great work. Two fav lines this week:

    1 - You want to have a frank discussion with the coach in an appropriate setting, and have so far failed to find a suitable barn available for rent.

    2 - Every available NHL coach keeps telling you "Actually, I already worked for you in recent years and you fired me, Bryan."

    Ahh, awesome.

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  7. Every available NHL coach keeps telling you "Actually, I already worked for you in recent years and you fired me, Bryan."

    Or Lou Lamirillo

    JacquesWatch 2011

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  8. @KT: No, since they don't have a real NHL team.

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  9. Brent Sutter and Mike Ricci are fine members of the All Ugly Team. However the team leader is Tim Hunter.

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  10. I like Justin's tweak using Lou instead of Bryan, right on.

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  11. When we're talking all time ugly, don't forget Rod Brind'Amour.

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  12. Weakest post from you I've ever read. But you can't always be brilliant.

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  13. Even as a sabres fan I found the Ryan Miller comment to be absolutely hilarious.

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