Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Inside Gary Bettman's annual Halloween party

It's clearly not a post-season
pumpkin, since it has a flame in it.
Scene: Last night, in a spacious home in New York. Halloween-themed music plays, as various hockey personalities wander around in costume.

The doorbell rings, and is answered by a man dressed as a zombie wearing an Atlanta Thrashers jersey.


Gary Bettman: Glad you could make it, come on in.

A man wearing an old-fashioned executioner's hood walks in.

Brendan Shanahan: Hi Gary… how's the party coming this year?

Bettman: Can't complain. A little crowded, but I guess you have to expect that when you invite the whole league.

Shanahan: You invited everybody in the entire NHL to your Halloween party?

Bettman: Well, except for Raffi Torres.

Shanahan: Good call.

Bettman: The only problem so far is the decorations. I bought a ton, and you were supposed to hang them all up.

Shanahan: What? You never asked me to hang anything.

Bettman: Sure I did. Two months ago, I sent you a memo. It said "Brendan, effectively immediately, start suspending everything you see".

Shanahan: Um… that memo was about Halloween decorations?

Bettman: Of course. Why, what did you think it was about?

Shanahan (under his breath): Oh man.

Bettman: Well, it's too late now, so don't worry about it. Hey, check out The Mummy over here. Ambling around, exaggerated limp, wrapped head to toe in bandages. Hey pal, where'd you get such a great costume?

Rick DiPietro: Costume?

Shanahan: He, uh, just came from a practice.

DiPietro: Everything… hurts…

Bettman: Hm. OK, well what about the costumes on these two? Hideous matching green and blue shirts. And is that a picture of some sort of giant fish on the front? You two look ridiculous! Who are guys even supposed to be?

Everyone turns towards two guests wearing AHL Connecticut Whale jersey.

Wade Redden and Sean Avery: We hate you all so much.

Shanahan: Awk-ward…

Bettman: Sorry guys. Anyways, I think we should all probably…

He notices two eyes peeking out from a decorative suit of armour leaning up against the wall.

Bettman: Um… is somebody in there?

Roberto Luongo (whispering): Uh… yeah.

Bettman: Oh, hi Roberto. Nice costume.

Luongo (whispering):Um, yeah, costume. Hey, you haven't seen Alain Vigneault around here, have you?

Bettman (turning to look around): Yeah, actually, and I think he was looking for you. He must have been having computer problems, because he said he had something important to tell you about an overpriced backup…

Bettman turns back in time to see the suit of armour side-stepping down the hallway and around a corner.

Bettman: Probably a smart move. Hey, speaking of goaltenders leaving, where did DiPietro go?

Shanahan: He said he was going to go out front to make friends with the pirate.

Bettman: The pirate? Nobody here was dressing up as a pirate.

Shanahan: Really? He said he saw some scary looking guy out there wearing an eye patch.

Bettman (confused): DiPietro's going to make friends with the guy wearing an… Oh dear lord! Shanny, didn't anyone tell him about Chris Pronger's eye injury?

Shanahan: Uh oh.

DiPietro (from outside): Ahoy, me matey!

Bettman: Incoming.

Bettman and Shanahan calmly step aside as DiPietro sails through the plate glass window and lands in the middle of the room.

Voice from outside: Boo-yah!

Shanahan (catatonically): As we can see from the video, there is clear intent to throw the goaltender through the window…

Bettman (snapping his fingers): Brendan…

Shanahan: Sorry. Force of habit.

Bettman (surveying the mess): Well, now we need to clean up all these shards of broken glass.

DiPietro: Owie …

Bettman: And also, the pieces of the window.

Shanahan: Who should clean it up?

Bettman: I don't care, but somebody needs to do it. This is a nice party, not some sort of minor league operation.

Everyone awkwardly stares at Avery and Redden.

Bettman: Um… you know, not that that's a bad thing.

Redden: Are we just gonna take this?

Avery: Don't look at me, I'm getting called up this week.

Alain Vigneault walks over in a Captain Hook costume.

Vigneault: Hey, did you guys know there's a pirate in a Flyers' jersey out front slashing everyone's tires?

Bettman: Wonderful.

Vigneault: Yeah, he asked us to send out Mikhail Grabovski. Something about wanting to have a pleasant chat with him.

Grabovski looks around nervously, then slips into a suit of armour next to Luongo.

Bettman: Oh man. Listen up, everyone, we've got a situation here. I've seen what Chris Pronger is capable of when he gets angry. Mark my words, anyone who goes out there right now is going to be repeatedly punched in the face.

He thinks for a moment.

Bettman: Avery, you go!

Everyone in attendance: We want Avery! We want Avery!

Avery (casually flipping through a fashion magazine): You guys are lucky I stopped caring about this league three years ago.

Shanahan: What if we send Luongo out there to stop him?

Bettman: Nah, he can't stop anyone.

Shanahan: Sigh… We've kind of screwed up this whole party, haven't we Gary?

Bettman: You're telling me. We spent a ton of money, we got everyone's hopes up, and now the whole thing is a complete disaster with no hope of ever improving.

Shanahan: So … costume change time?

Bettman: Yep.

The two friends pull on Columbus Blue Jacket jerseys and sadly walk away.




28 comments:

  1. I don't think that really happened.

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  2. you're so right. there's no way dipietro's body has enough tensile strength to shatter a pane of glass

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  3. hahaha this was one of the funniest ones I've read in a while. DGB, you slay me!

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  4. Weren't these funny once?

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  5. "Nah, he can't stop anyone" BAZINGA!

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  6. awesome one...

    Btw, I assume Grabovski slipped into a suit of armor, not a suit or armor. Unless he's having some difficulties with choosing, but that's Sundin or Kovalchuk's problems as far as I know....

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  7. Shanahan (catatonically): As we can see from the video, there is clear intent to throw the goaltender through the window…

    Slayed me. Great post.

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  8. Brilliant caption!

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  9. It's clearly not a post-season pumpkin, since it has a flame in it.

    Best. Line. EVAR.

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  10. funny, but leave poor Luongo alone. He's going to have his usual great numbers at the end of the season.

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  11. "And also, the pieces of the window."

    BRILLIANT!

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  12. funny, but leave poor Luongo alone. He's going to have his usual great numbers at the end of the season.

    Exactly, that's why I need to get some material out of him now.

    I tried to pace myself with the Sens and Habs, and then they both went on win streaks. Lesson learned.

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  13. hmm...the exact same jokes every time...funny

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  14. Anyone who voted this less than 5 stars needs to find a new site to visit, this was amazing.

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  15. If you think it's repetitive or not funny, there's a simple solution: don't read or comment.

    Some of us find it quite funny, even when Chris Pronger appears at every party.

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  16. Funniest one of all time!

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  17. Loved this! (As always!)

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  18. haha great read but should have sent out the lost mike brown stache to take care of pronger

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  19. Quote -
    OK, well what about the costumes on these two? Hideous matching green and blue shirts. And is that a picture of some sort of giant fish on the front? You two look ridiculous! Who are guys even supposed to be?

    I thought he was going to say something about the Sedins. Man the Canucks have to ditch the Orca uniforms

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  20. Or change their name to the Whalers. Oh wait, is that still taken?

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  21. Please stop writing these ones, they're never funny.

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  22. Pronger's back! YES! And I too thought you were talking about the Sedins.

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  23. Gary Bettman's parties are always great. Thanks DGB!

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  24. Was hoping for a "Damnit Pronger!" for breaking the window. Excellent job as always!

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  25. The end was brutal. And true.

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  26. I wasn't reading the article, I just quickly scrolled through it to see if I read it and that was when I saw..the Boo-yah.

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