Friday, April 1, 2011

April Fools - NHL style

A convincing argument against seamless glass.
Today is April Fool's Day, which is best known around North America as the traditional day for dull conglomerates to post painfully bad attempts at humour on their corporate web sites. But some of us may still remember the day's original meaning: an opportunity to play practical jokes on friends and coworkers.

What does this have to do with hockey? Well, there are two things we all can all agree on when it comes to NHL players: They love playing practical jokes on each other, and they all read my columns first thing in the morning before heading to the rink. And given those two facts, I feel like I should take the opportunity to help everyone have some fun.

So in the spirit of some good-natured tomfoolery, here are a few ideas that various players and personalities around the league should feel free to use on this special day. Let the hijinks ensue.

Sidney Crosby - After finally being cleared to resume practising, lightly bump into a teammate during a scrimmage and immediately fall to the ice clutching your head. Months later, reveal to that teammate that you were only joking while chatting with him at the drive-through window where he now works.

Mike Fisher - Walk up to a member of the Nashville media and introduce self by saying "Hi, I'm Mike Fisher from the Predators" before immediately adding "no, just kidding, I'm Carrie Underwood's husband".

Edmonton Oilers - Send the entire scouting staff to sit in front row and watch top prospect Sean Couturier at tonight's game while scribbling furiously in little notebooks and flashing each other the thumbs up. Watch how depressed he gets when he sees them. Hey look, I think he started crying!

NBC Sports - Tell your viewers that the New York Rangers are currently tied for seventh place, as if the NHL has more than five different teams.

Jonathan Toews - Show off your sense of humour by spending a minute blinking exactly once every 12 seconds, rather than once every 15 seconds like normal.

Tomas Kaberle - Good-naturedly inform your new Bruins teammates that hey, nice try guys, but you're not going to fall for that "We still have to play more games even after the regular season" ends joke.

Ilya Kovalchuk - Call Lou Lamoriello, tell him that you think it's about time to start talking extension.

Matthew Hulsizer - Hilariously tell your old pal Gary Bettman that you'd totally be willing to buy the Coyotes and keep them in Phoenix, and - hey, why is Bettman signing the paperwork? Guys, I was obviously joking. Hey, this isn't funny anymore!

NHL Central Scouting - Release an updated list of the top 300 prospects for the upcoming draft; slip Phil Kessel's name in at #301.

Paul Bissonnette - Spend all day arguing with your twitter followers that the infinite regress problem can be adequately resolved by a reliance on foundational beliefs that give justificatory support to more complex beliefs, before eventually revealing that you were actually a devoted advocate of Pyrrhonian skepticism all along.

Corey Perry - Sneak in and steal Teemu Selanne's towel while he's soaking in that mysterious, glowing fountain that he bathes in every day for some reason.

Henrik and Daniel Sedin - Just to see what would happen, briefly pass the puck to that strange person who seems to think he plays on our line even though he doesn't look anything like us.

Pittsburgh Penguins - Play a hilarious joke on a rookie during a road trip by refusing to place his luggage on the team bus next to the other luggage; instead place it under the team bus, next to Matt Cooke.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Pretend to be playoff contenders during a late-season surge before revealing on April 1 that it was all an elaborate joke played at the expense of your fans. So, same as every other year.


This is the fourth annual April Fools post. The previous version are here: 2008 | 2009 | 2010


  1. Awesome, as usual. Remember your 2008 April Fool's post? You suggested this: "Edmonton Oilers - Print playoff tickets." What category of fool's joke is it then, that the Leafs did exactly the same thing in September of last year? AND want payment now, for these worthless pieces of cardboard.

  2. Very funny, especially Kovalchuk and the Sedins. Although I think you're being generous with NBC, it's more like three teams (Penguins, Capitals, Rangers). So wish we got CBC/TSN for the playoffs.

  3. Hilarious as usual. I hope you don't mind my repeating the joke the Calgary Flames played on Mike Keenan two years ago. Didn't end well.

  4. Long-time listener, first time caller. Hilarious as usual, thanks! All were excellent, as a 'Hawks fan I especially got a kick out of the Toews comment but I don't think that robots usually participate in April fools pranks...

  5. That's Dr. BizNasty, to you.

  6. The Sidney Crosby one is a killer.

    Well done