Friday, April 29, 2011

What went wrong? Excuses from the NHL's losers

Don't worry kid, they fired the guy who
won the Cup last year but I'm sure you'll
be just fine.
The second round of the NHL playoffs has begun, with eight teams still alive in their quest for a championship.

That's the positive spin that the glass-half-full types will give you. But it's also true that there are 22 teams sitting at home right now. That's almost three quarters of the league, none of whom could manage to win so much as a single playoff round. Losers, every one of them.

And like all losers, they have their excuses. I contacted representatives from the various eliminated teams to ask what happened, and each had an explanation ready. So read on if you've been wondering why your favourite team will be hitting the links this weekend instead of the ice.

Florida Panthers - Not saying that trading away Gregory Campbell was a bad idea, but did find it odd that every single goal we scored all season long was immediately reviewed and waved off.

Phoenix Coyotes - Not trying to make excuses about off-ice distractions, but it's kind of hard to focus when every time you walk in the front door your wife hits you over the head with a snow shovel.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Unlike certain other superstars we could name, Rick Nash is apparently too much of a bigshot to have an identical twin.

Ottawa Senators - Got the distinct impression from Eugene Melnyk that being demonstrably terrible at our jobs was a sure ticket to a contract extension.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Are totally going to remember to set our alarm for October next year instead of sleeping in until February again.

Buffalo Sabres - Struggled on faceoffs during our playoff series with the Flyers, which hurt since there was one at center ice after virtually every shot we took on net.

New Jersey Devils - John Maclean's pre-game team meetings all consisted of him sternly standing cross-armed in front of a chalkboard with "coach's strategy" written on it for an hour, before suddenly turning around and saying "Oh wait, is that me?"

New York Islanders - Same problem your rec floor hockey team had; spent too much time before every game arguing over who's turn it was to play net.

St. Louis Blues - May not have made playoffs, but did make selves feel better by pulling off a late-season blockbuster trade with a team even more hopeless and pathetic than we'll ever be.

Colorado Avalanche - Hey come on, we're standing right here.

Dallas Stars - GM Joe Nieuwendyk's multi-page strategy for winning big games turned out to be nothing but hand-drawn picture of Patrick Lalime with hearts around them.

Los Angeles Kings - Talented but inexperienced star players have not yet learned how to not break their ankles right before the playoffs start.

Edmonton Oilers - What, and ruin a perfectly good draft lottery party?

Anaheim Ducks - Lacked a sense of urgency, since playing with Teemu Selanne every night taught us that we all probably have another 15 or 20 good years left in us.

Carolina Hurricanes - Kept hearing stories about a relocated team finally being returned to the fans in its original city; figured we should lay low for the year.

New York Rangers - Winning is nice and everything, but decided to focus most of our energy on just getting John Tortorella and Larry Brooks to fight.

Pittsburgh Penguins - The loss of Matt Cooke proved devastating, as it turns out other teams play way better when they're conscious.

Montreal Canadiens - We were dominating the Bruins all season long, and then suddenly we just hit a wall. Wait, poor choice of words.

Minnesota Wild - Signed John Madden for the third line under the mistaken impression it was the former Blackhawk defensive forward, but it turned out to be the football commentator trying to get closer to Brett Favre.

Atlanta Thrashers - Do you have any idea how demoralizing it is to realize that you're Winnipeg's second choice?

Calgary Flames - In hindsight, inspirational preseason rallying cry of "Never settle for anything less than being the absolute best team in the province" probably didn't aim high enough.

Chicago Blackhawks - Tried to intimidate Canuck players and fans by constantly referring to ourselves as the reigning Stanley Cup champions, but they just kept staring at us like they had no idea what we were talking about.


  1. Poor losers...
    I'm heading to Nashville on Thursday for the game. Any ideas for signs that would be awesome but tame enough that CBC would show them?
    I'd love a giant "Down Goes Brown" sign but not sure anyone would get it and CBC wouldn't show it.
    Another option: "Sundin is ours... you can keep Raycroft"

  2. "Sundin is ours... you can keep Raycroft"

    2008 called...

  3. Montreal Canadiens - We were dominating the Bruins all season long, and then suddenly we just hit a wall. Wait, poor choice of words.

    Ha Ha I shouldn't laugh but... Hey It's the Habs

  4. apparently the la kings learned the hard way that dustin penner is the new kyle wellwood.....

    ~ cheers....

  5. 2008 called? That's impressive, we should tell someone!
    But really, that's all you can do: insult my attempts? No better ideas yourself? I guess this is the internet.

    On a positive note, at least DGB always makes me smile.

  6. Wiseguy,

    Respectfully, my suggestion is to leave the signs at home. Just enjoy the hockey and don't worry about being on TV. The fans around you who don't have their view obstructed and don't have to worry about dodging your sign-waving will appreciate it tremendously.

  7. @Habs-

    I laugh and tell everyone in the office. Half are rolling, Half are telling me I'm an ahole. Perfect!

  8. I know this is off topic but...I am a bruins fan who plans on going to a bruins vs leafs game at the acc next season...should I sit in the platinum lounge or the upper deck? Is the platinum lounge really full of people who could care less about hockey? Would I startle them by cheering on the bruins and booing phil kessel? If so, that would be funny to me

  9. I also plan on booing kaberle, since he is obviously signing a 4 year, $20m contract with the leafs on july 1. Brian burke paid him $1m to accept a trade to boston and suck on purpose (the money came out of burke's pocket because richard peddie doesn't care enough about hockey to do something like that). By kaberle coming to boston and sucking on purpose, burke gets to kill a division rival's power play, save face for the kessel trade, and get back at chiarelli for the kessel trade all in one move. Kaberle is also rewarded with a new contract. It makes burke look like a genius, and kaberle gets to stay in toronto. Yay! By the way, I am only half joking.

  10. And why do you consider us to be the biggest assholes in the world, sir (or madam)?

    This was great as usual, DGB...had to laugh at the Habs one

  11. This is probably my favorite DGB ever.

  12. Funny as always! and that's coming from an Avs fan!

  13. @Atlanta

    lol, best one...

  14. Re: the Rangers; Who doesn't enjoy it when Tortorella and Brooks get into it? One of the funniest moments of the season was when Tortorella threw him out of the press conference for what Brooks wrote the day before. It's like a catfight but Kim Kardasshian is nowhere to be found!

  15. Listen up. The only real way to save the Coyotes at this point is with this:

    "The Green Bay Packers Board of Directors is the organization that serves as the owner of record for the Green Bay Packers football club. The Packers have been a publicly owned, non-profit corporation since August 18, 1923."

    That's right, a board of directors type of ownership where anybody, anywhere who wants the Coyotes to stay in Glendale can purchase a stake into the team. Best of all, the taxpayers of Glendale (especially the ones who don't support the team) don't have to fork over a single penny if they don't want to. Remember, if the taxpayers are not paying for it, then Goldwater backs off.

    I know that the NHL board of governors are not crazy about a Green Bay Packers type of ownership, but if they (and the Glendale city council) really want the Coyotes to stay, then they have no choice but to make an exception to the Coyotes and allow them to have a board of directors type of ownership.

    So for those of you who want the Coyotes to stay, spread the word. Get this message posted to as many places as possible while there's still time and if you can get this message to Gary Bettman and the B.O.G., that's even better. With everybody's help, the Coyotes will be saved! So spread the word right now or watch the Coyotes relocate to Winnipeg or Kansas City instead.

  16. The Wild comment was pretty win.

  17. The Edmonton Oilers did the right thing this year!