Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A hockey fan's guide to the UFC

At least somebody in that jersey is
putting up a fight these days.
The NHL playoffs won't have a monopoly on Canadian sports headlines this week, thanks to the UFC's long-awaited debut in Toronto with a Saturday night card that's expected to draw a record crowd of 55,000.

Many hockey fans have been looking forward to the event for months. But for others, this week's hype will serve as an introduction to the entertaining but often confusing world of mixed martial arts and the UFC. So in an effort to make the event as accessible as possible to Canadian sports fans, here's a hockey fan's guide to how the UFC stacks up with the NHL.

UFC: There is a common misconception that the sport is a vicious free-for-all where anything goes no matter how brutal, when in fact it is governed by a clear set of strictly enforced rules.
NHL: There is a common misconception that the sport is governed by a clear set of strictly enforced rules.

UFC: A fighter signals that he has lost his will to win and no longer wishes to compete by "tapping out".
NHL: A player signals that he has lost his will to win and no longer wishes to compete by signing a contract extension with the Ottawa Senators.

UFC: "The World's Most Dangerous Man" was the nickname of UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock.
NHL: "The World's Most Dangerous Man" is what Flyer fans call whoever is starting in net for that night's playoff game.

UFC: The action takes place inside a caged structure called an octagon, which many critics have called the most dangerous structure in all of sports.
NHL: The action takes place inside a rink which has been carefully designed to ensure the safety of all oh good god look out for that stanchion!

UFC: "Ground and pound" is a fighting style that aims to take an opponent to the mat and then employ a striking attack from a dominant position.
NHL: "Ground and pound" is Bruce Boudreau's answer to the question "What is your favourite type of beef, and how much of it have you smuggled into the arena tonight in your pockets?"

UFC: If a match does not end in regulation time, it goes to the judges' decision; in especially even and hard-fought contests, the contest can be declared a draw.
NHL: The league knows that real sports fans don't enjoy ties, and would be much happier if the UFC moved to deciding matches with a rock-paper-scissors contest.

UFC: If a girl in a bikini holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that the first round of a fight is about to begin.
NHL: If a guy in a Bruins jersey holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that his glove got stuck. Why, what did you think it meant?

UFC: Competitors know that it's time to start throwing punches when they hear those four words: "Let's get it on!"
NHL: Competitors know that it's time to start throwing punches when they hear those four words: "Hello, I'm Matt Cooke."

UFC: Fans are encouraged to watch "The Ultimate Fighter", a made-for-TV production that is occasionally entertaining despite the results holding little actual importance.
NHL: Same concept, but they call it "the regular season".

UFC: Canadian star Georges St-Pierre employs a methodical style that is highly effective but is often criticized for not producing exciting or dramatic moments.
NHL: Georges St-Pierre has been offered the head coaching job in New Jersey.

UFC: Popular commentator Joe Rogan is also one of his country's best-known standup comedians.
NHL: Popular commentator Don Cherry is also one of his country's best-known standup comedians, although he doesn't seem to realize it.

UFC: A hyper-extended elbow and broken arm can be the result of a competitor not tapping out quickly after the successful application of an armbar.
NHL: A hyper-extended elbow and broken arm is an acceptable reason to miss one or two shifts during the playoffs while the trainer tapes it up.

UFC: A "choke" is a legal manoeuvre in which a competitor cuts off his opponent's air supply in order to secure a quick submission.
NHL: Insert your own Vancouver Canuck joke here.

UFC: Occasionally schedules events in Toronto in late-April.
NHL: Not that anyone can remember.




25 comments:

  1. Well, I am clearly the target audience for this post.

    Go home, everyone else.

    Thank you, DGB. *wipes tears*

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  2. As a Flyers fan this is both hilarious and painfully true.

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  3. Georges St-Pierre, eh? Well, at least he's not John MacLean.

    I can feel a playoff run coming now!

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  4. toronto sports in april.... the blue jays... wait, who?
    ftw....

    ~ cheers....

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  5. Not sure how you didn't work in a Pronger joke.

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  6. Awesome job, DGB. I knew you would have a Matt Cooke joke in there, but you needed more of Chris Pronger and Trevor Gillies! :)

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  7. Thank YOU DGB. After a disaster of a weekend you put a smile on my face for the first time this week.
    "Insert your own Vancouver Canuck joke here." LOL Love it.

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  8. I know this might not bother most people, but thank you for keeping the order the same on every punchline this time. You always did UFC first followed by NHL. I can't stand it when you don't follow the same order in some of your other posts. Though I understand it's done that way for the lines to work, it's painful to read at times.

    Great post overall though!

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  9. What? No Wellwood joke?

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  10. @ Anonymous

    This is UFC, not competitive eating.

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  11. Did anonymous set up his own Kyle Wellwood joke?

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  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  13. The Boudreau gag is quite possibly my favorite joke ever from DGB. Impressive.

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  14. That was awesome...

    In an unrelated topic...why isn't Joffrey Lupul a finalist for the Masterson trophy? Ian Laperiere didn't even f***ing play this year!

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  15. "NHL: If a guy in a Bruins jersey holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that his glove got stuck. Why, what did you think it meant?"

    Wow. That one made me laugh really really hard.

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  16. From a huge hockey and MMA fan... Well done!

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  17. Bravo, had me dying over here.

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  18. The Boudreau joke was hysterical, but my favorite joke you've ever done was the "Annti fighting" joke

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  19. I actually laughed out loud at all of these, especially the first one. Thanks for cheering me up after the Blackhawks loss.

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  20. A choke hold doesn't actually cut off the air supply, it cuts off the blood supply to the brain, leaving the recipient in a Carcillo-like state.

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  21. ^^^^^^^^^^^^smart ass.

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  22. Bobby Hull has killed BEN LADEN with a slap shot

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  23. OBAMA CERTIFICAT ??

    BEN LADEN HAS SIGNED the certificat

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