Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A look ahead at the Maple Leafs 2009-10 schedule

The Maple Leafs 2009-2010 schedule was released today. And since we already have a pretty good idea what all the rosters will look like next year, that means I could spend the afternoon loading everything into the top-secret DGB supercomputer to find out what will happen.

After several hours of flashing lights and whirring noises, I had my answer. Based on today's schedule, here are several highlights from the upcoming Leafs season.

(Warning: The following contains spoilers. If you want to be surprised, stop reading now.)

October 1 - The Leafs play the Montreal Canadiens in the season opener. Sadly, the traditional intermission "timbits" game is ruined when Bob Gainey wanders onto the ice and offers everyone contracts.

October 3 - The Leafs head to Washington. Hoping to catch the Capitals off guard, Ron Wilson gives Justin Pogge the surprise start in net. In a related story, Alexander Ovechkin becomes the first player in the league to reach the 50 goal mark.

October 10 - The Leafs host the Stanley Cup champion Penguins. Unfortunately, Evgeni Malkin and Tyler Kennedy are forced to miss the game after coming down with a bad case of the Schenn Flu.

October 17 - The Leafs host the Rangers, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I know some fans don't support me," says Heatley, "but I'm just thrilled to be playing hockey again."

October 17 - 24 - After a gruelling half-month of hockey, the NHL's schedule makers decide that the Leafs need a full week off. Gary Bettman defends the move by explaining "We sensed that fans were really starting to get excited about hockey, and wanted to nip that in the bud."

November 1 - 30 - The Leafs play 13 games during the month. Ron Wilson calls for a stick measurement in every single one, just to annoy Howard Berger.

November 13 - The Leafs head to Chicago for their only game of the season against their longtime rivals. In other Blackhawk news, Dale Tallon starts to get a sinking feeling that he forgot to register his kids for school.

December 7 - Nik Antropov and Pavel Kubina return to Toronto as members of the Atlanta Thrashers. After hours of answering questions about what it was like to play in Toronto, how exciting it was to play in a city that cares about hockey, and how difficult it is now to play in front of so few fans, they finally tell Ilya Kovalchuk to just be quiet and wait for free agency.

December 9 - The Leafs host the Islanders. During an intermission interview, John Tavares attempts to blink out a message asking someone to come rescue him.

December 14 - In a game that recalls the infamous "Flu Game" of 2004, the Leafs are awarded a forfeit win after the Ottawa Senators refuse to take the ice in what will later be known as the "Schenn Flu Game".

December 16 - The Leafs host the Phoenix Coyotes. Jim Balsillie buys every ticket, sits in the front row, and spends the entire game lighting cigars with $100 bills while giving the camera the finger.

December 26 - The Leafs host the Montreal Canadiens on Boxing Day. That ends up being somewhat ironic, since there are several incidents of fisticuffs during the game. And also because every player on the Canadiens goes home in a pine box.

January 8 - The Leafs kick off a four-game homestand with a game in Buffalo.

January 26 - The LA Kings make their only visit to Toronto. Brian Burke leaves early, presumably to catch a flight as he's seen dragging a heavy duffel bag out of the arena. In an unrelated story, the Kings report that Brayden Schenn has gone missing.

January 29 - February 5 - The Leafs play Jacques Lemaire and the Devils three times in one week. Leaf fans look back fondly on that comparatively thrilling week in October when there weren't any games.

February 8 - The Leafs host the Sharks, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "It's unfortunate that things didn't work out in New York," Heatley says, "but I'm happy to be in San Jose because I'm all about the team."

February 12 - The NHL breaks for the Olympics games, a grueling three-week tournament featuring the very best players from around the world. Or, as the entire Maple Leafs roster calls it, "February".

March 11 - The Leafs host the Lightning, and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I really think this will be a good fit," Heatley says. "When do the world championships start?"

March 13 - Prior to playing the Leafs, the Edmonton Oilers assure everyone that they're still totally in on the Dany Heatley sweepstakes.

April 4 - The World Health Organization declares Schenn Flu to be a global pandemic. They advise anyone who has ever thought about bodychecking a Leafs player to remain in an underground bunker for the next 15-20 years.

April 7 - The Maple Leafs are mathematically eliminated from the 2011 playoffs.

April 10 - On their way back to Toronto after the season finale, the Leafs stop at a McDonalds drivethru and get their first look at the newly acquired Dany Heatley. "I really think I handled everything well this year," says Heatley. "Would you like fries with that?"


  1. Sadly, the traditional intermission "timbits" game is ruined when Bob Gainey wanders onto the ice and offers everyone contracts.

    Well, you can't blame the guy for trying to add some size to his team.

  2. major lol at Heatley being a Fry Guy.

    after all, isn't that what he really is?

  3. Epic! I can barely stop laughing to type this, but damn its all gold. From Heatley becoming the town bike to November mattering to the Schenn Flu pandemic, it's all frigging awesome.

    On a side note, it might be smart for Gainey to distract the timbits kids, it prevents Carey Price trolling...

  4. The DGB supercomputers missed October 31st:

    "The Leafs' visit to Montreal is marked by an unfortunate incident when Brian Gionta is severely injured as Francois Beauchemin, owing to linguistic confusion, interprets the announcement of Brian Gionta Bobblehead Night on the Jumbotron as an imperative command. Gionta's body briefly goes missing but is later located in the coat pocket of a souvenir hunting Habs fan."

  5. Someone please please please convince Wilson to do the stick measurements.

    Once again, amazing job DGB.

    I also meant to tell you that BD Gallof (like me) said you're his favourite blogger. You deserve all the praise sent your way. Keep up the great work.

  6. The Schenn Flu = H2N2 ?

  7. 2011 Playoffs, what happens to 2010?

  8. Note to newer DGB readers:

    "top-secret DGB supercomputer", really means "the nintendo I've had since I was 11". And "several hours of flashing lights and whirring noises", means he was already blind-drunk by the time the police had arrived to the scene.

    It's all about the subtle references here at Down Goes Brown. Stick around, you'll eventually get the hang of it.

  9. I came for the Wellwood fat jokes, I stay for subtle humour such as the January 8 game.

    Wait, that's actually going to happen...

  10. Now I really want some fries. Damn.

  11. Great Stuff. You put the Fan 590 morning show comedy bits to shame. DownGoesBrown needs to hit the mainstream. Funniest hockey coverage on the net. Go Leafs Go!

    "Luke Schenn watches the All Heart Wendal Clark video for 63 straight days heading into camp. The Leafs start the season with 21 guys on the long term IR. The Leafs finish october 10-0"

  12. Fantastic stuff.

    Now Will the Leafs finish better than Ottaa this year?

    I mean probably since they can't have anyone else on the ice since Alfredsson, Spezza, Heatley and Kovalev are taking up the cap room, so my $20 bet with my brother in law is safe right?

  13. Well this was good but there was no Wellwood joke.

    So I give it only 9 thumbs up.

  14. @lordosis... Thanks, hadn't seen that.

    @Amandeep... Leafs were eliminated from the 2010 playoffs last March.

  15. Lend your boos to Heatley regardless of who he rolls into town with. Serious hate for that guy right now.

  16. John Tavares is being fed, clothed and iz taken out for exercise once daily. He even haz commode in his cell and frequent sunlight.

    Zis talk of him blinking messages for rescue iz just propaganda from the imperialist pig-dogs. Ve vill have none of it.

  17. You owe me yet another coffee. And maybe a new laptop. Every time i blow coffee out my nose it costs me money. And every time you write something I blow coffee out my nose. Dam You.

  18. LMAO schenn flu is the new SHAQ FU lmao they should make a game hahaha damn i mailed this around the office and nothin got done since haha

    they gotta give you this they just gotta you guys on the site wanna start a petition or is that tampering LMAO

  19. @Anon...

    Wow. That interview would be fun.

    Them: Do you have any experience on twitter?
    DGB: Well...

  20. Even in the absence of the "Wellwood is fat" or "Raycroft sucks" jokes you could have worked in for the two games against Vancouver, this was amazing. Just epic.

    And my god, I noticed that week where the Leafs play the Devils three times. If it weren't for the matchup against the Canucks in there, I'd probably swear off hockey for the week.

  21. Damn. Gold once again, as always. I tip my hat to you, good sir!

  22. That was hilarious!! I loved it.

  23. Hope you show up around Rangerland on Oct. 17th. Always nice to hear from the competition. Quite the season preview though.

  24. Meh.
    I've personally seen from better from you, DGB. Definitely some good stuff in there, but most of it is played-out items.

  25. I'm quite sure it'd be an instant hire once they hear about your twitter exploits.

  26. January 26 - The LA Kings make their only visit to Toronto. Brian Burke leaves early, presumably to catch a flight as he's seen dragging a heavy duffel bag out of the arena. In an unrelated story, the Kings report that Brayden Schenn has gone missing.

    Pure gold right there.

    I've read your blog for quite a while DGB, and I've gotta say that I haven't laughed at anything on the internet nearly as much as the stuff on your blog. Comedic genius, well done.

  27. The Devils crack is probably my favourite. Good work, as usual.

  28. "Alexander Ovechkin becomes the first player in the league to reach the 50 goal mark."

    :D brilliant!

  29. LOL, that was some funny shit !
    Oh by the way have fun in April playing golf once again. Oh yeah by April you will all want Komi's ass out of Tor(Hindu)onto. He likes to bang the puck off the wall give the puck away and shot the puck in defenders shin pads. Oh yeah i forgot and get pounded shitless by Lucic.

  30. All the Hans go home in a pine box... You do realize that the average height of the two teams is the same? Oh, and the habs outweigh the leafs on average by 6 pounds.

  31. Wow, I'm surprised Schenn isn't also getting a Norris trophy mention here, it seems he's the Greatest Defensemen of all time.

  32. @Anonymous...

    "The Norris" won't even exist by this time next year. It will have been renamed "The Luke".

    (They would have called it "The Schenn", but that was already taken for the MVP award.)

  33. @ Down goes Brown,

    Please fill out the following questionnaire

    1. Are you...

    A. Schenn's Mother
    B. Schenn's Agent
    C. Schenn Himself
    D. Schenn's Secret Lover?

  34. Look, Schenn may equal swine but you don't have to harp on it. I happen to think he might be a decent dman at some point.

    Maybe use Schwinn as a nick instead... Heavy, slow, one speed...

  35. Well you got Heatley going to San Jose right, though it was a direct flight to San Jose. No stopover in New York.