Thursday, July 30, 2009

Signs that you too may be getting hockey advice from a deranged homeless person

Hire him. This guy looks legit.
The strangest story of the week came out of Pittsburgh, where we learned the sad tale of a troubled homeless man who had been sending Mario Lemieux tips on how to better run the Penguins.

While this was clearly an extreme case, the fact remains that those in positions of power in the NHL are surrounded on all sides by people offering them advice. And unfortunately, not all of those people are going to be all there.

In an attempt to help out the NHL's power elite, here are a dozen signs that the person giving you hockey advice may in fact be a crazy homeless person.
  • His entire offensive gameplan consists of teaching your players how to do the breakaway move from NHL '94.

  • Whenever the team is faced with a difficult financial decision, he suggests calling Sergei Fedorov for advice.

  • He's started a petition to have the Maple Leafs adopt a new uniform that would feature their old vintage style jersey and no pants.

  • He spends eight hours a day hanging out in front of his mail box waiting for a qualifying offer from Dale Tallon.

  • He suggests that the team start new a playoff tradition by encouraging fans to mark key moments of crucial games by throwing an octomom on the ice.

  • He was the one who convinced you to give Chris Pronger a seven year extension.

  • He repeatedly suggests that "Maybe you should run that one by Mr. Wang", but you don't work for the Islanders.

  • The only job he lists on his resume is "Senior public relations consultant to Dany Heatley".

  • For some reason, he's wearing Chris Nilan's bathing suit under his clothes.

  • He keeps going on and on about how the Leafs should sign Chris Durno.

  • His laptop is full of downloads titled "Sideline reporter naked peephole video", but they're all of Pierre McGuire.

  • Every time he has a difficult decision to make, you catch him staring at his "WWJFJD?" bracelet.




18 comments:

  1. His laptop is full of downloads titled "Sideline reporter naked peephole video", but they're all of Pierre McGuire.

    To quote The Simpsons, 'that'll replace the whale in my nightmares...'

    ReplyDelete
  2. In the sad but true file, you beat everyone to the punch by trading for Andrew Raycroft and signing Jason Blake to a long term contract.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Charles Wang quip definitely had me chuckling.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I bet the homeless man's advice was:
    "Draft First or Second overall, over and over again until the team is good enough to win the cup."

    'Cause it worked!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have got to get me one of those WWJFJD bracelets. I'll use it as a lucky charm when I make my next pool picks.

    ReplyDelete
  6. DGB strikes again lmao take that nhl hahaha good work man keepin us all laffin it up

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love a good Chris Nilan joke, even if he was my favorite player ever.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fedorov was in the NHL for nearly 20 years, and still nobody can spell his last name correctly.

    This is not a criticism; I still do it all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dude,

    You gotta rip on the new Wellwood contract...pleeeeeeeease! These Canuckleheads are insufferable

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Pavel Kubina" is an Anagram for "A Viable Punk"July 31, 2009 at 8:57 AM

    "He spends eight hours a day hanging out in front of his mail box waiting for a qualifying offer from Dale Tallon."

    Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold on a sec...if he's deranged AND homeless, where did he get his mailbox?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Not to get into semantics, but if he lived in his car he'd be a gypsy....meaning he could roll the bones and know more than most GMs. Who's the Leafs gypsy?

    ReplyDelete
  12. "... if he's deranged AND homeless, where did he get his mailbox?"

    Hm, that's actually a really good point. Thanks for mentioning that.

    (Nods subtly at DGB thugs, who grab @Kubina from behind and drag him into an alley.)

    Any other questions?

    ReplyDelete
  13. "Pavel Kubina" = "A Viable Punk"July 31, 2009 at 11:47 AM

    "(Nods subtly at DGB thugs, who grab @Kubina from behind and drag him into an alley.)"

    "Any other questions?"

    You mean these guys?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dated but still good...

    He begs you to attend Senators games.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I LOVE throwing ocotoms! where do I sign?

    ReplyDelete
  16. WWJFJD, ROFL !!!!

    ReplyDelete