Monday, March 9, 2009

Bruce Garrioch is awesome

With a glove tap to Toronto Sports Media...

We've had some fun with Ottawa Sun columnist Bruce Garrioch in the past, most notably thanks to his homerific flip-flop on hits to the head. But today, he's redeemed himself with one of the great posts in the history of hockey blogging.

In a hilarious bit of satire in a blog post today, Garrioch pretends to throw an epic hissy fit upon learning that Ron Wilson had opted not to start Martin Gerber tonight.

Clearly, Garrioch's post is a delightful play on the well-worn stereotypes of the Ottawa hockey media: that they're notoriously whiny and unprofessional, suffer from a debilatating insecurity about all things Toronto, and are slavishly devoted to helping their friends in the Ottawa front office sell tickets.

In one fell swoop, Garrioch has nailed each and every point in only 154 words. Genius. He even intentionally included a typo for readers to find, like Astroboy at the end of an episode.

Many members of the Ottawa hockey media are pathetically insecure, and prone to having meltdowns when things don't go their way. Evidently Garrioch knows this, and is having a little fun with his colleagues by taking their behaviour to an unreasonable extreme for comedic effect.

Clearly, Garrioch knows that Wilson would never be expected to actually make coaching decisions based on how they will impact the opposition's ticket sales. And yes, he's aware that pretending that fans in the self-proclaimed "Hockey Country" would need the Maple Leafs to do their marketing for them would make Sens Army seem like a bunch of fickle front-runners.

He knows that. It's parody. Brilliant, brilliant parody.



  1. All I can say is: hahahahahahahahaha!

  2. Just to be sure we should have Dave Shoalts investigate.

  3. him and Eklund should get married

  4. Maybe Bruce is tired of having to pull his face away from his dozen hot dogs to actually watch the game and write his column. He should be able to write it in advance, hand a copy to each coach, and have them play it out according to his script.

  5. It's amazing that this guy can still amaze us. But he can.

  6. Wait, did he really suggest that Wilson not starting Martin Gerber is an example of why the attendance levels are slipping in the NHL?

    Just checking.

  7. I don't know this guy but apparently he's a radio host on AM 640 and this is supposedly his real Twitter account:

    Check out the 2 tweets on Bruce Garrioch…

    "Also, heard back from Bruce Garrioch. Wants me to stop making fun of both his obesity and the fact he has no credibility in the sport"

    "At least, that's what I think he said. His mouth was full of chicken poppers, muttering about Malkin to the Kings for a 1st and Kopitar"

    - Scott

  8. Check out the 2 tweets on Bruce Garrioch…


    I'll be honest, I think "Burce Garrioch is fat" jokes are kind of lame. There's plenty of reasons to take aim at his writing without bringing his appearance into it. After all, it's not like many hockey writers (media or bloggers) are getting confused for super models.

    And yes, I realize the irony in taking this stance when my blog has a "Kyle Wellwood is fat" tag. I'll shut up now.

  9. Epic win. It's about time someone took Garrioch to task for his crappy writing. Unfortunately, his pre-game interviews on the radio are even worse, although it is amusing to see that even his peers make fun of him.

    Nine out of ten Sens fans admit that he was probably thrown into the showers by jocks as a kid, and this is probably his way of getting revenge.