Thursday, April 24, 2008

If MLSE made their own beer

The comment section for my last post ended up being sidetracked by a discussion over what would happen is MLSE went into the booze business. This was frustrating for me, because the post was clearly intended to be sidetracked into a discussion of Al Bundy quotes.

Nevertheless, I have to give my readers what they want. So with a tip of the cap to Navin, Loser Domi and Jaredoflondon, here’s my view of what would happen if MLSE decided to make and market their own brand of beer.


  • Richard Peddie would hire a brewmaster who had no experience making beer

  • Every bottle produced would have to be taste-tested by each director at the next regularly scheduled board meeting and approved with a majority vote

  • Each case would come with one outstanding Swedish premium brew... but for some reason the beers on the left and right of it would always be terrible.

  • Every year, the beer would be ice cold from October through February, warm up unexpectedly in March, go completely flat in early April and be discontinued by spring

  • The McCabe Lager would come with its own can opener

  • The Tlusty Pale Ale would be refreshing, but the front label keeps slipping off

  • The Colaiacovo Pilsner bottle would shatter as soon as you took it out of the case

  • When you tried to take the empties back for your deposit, you’d find out that half the bottles came with a no-returns clause

  • You’d always have to drink straight from the bottle, since nobody involved in making it would have the slightest idea how to lift a cup

  • You'd spend all your time thinking "This sucks, but at least I don't have to drink that swill they make up in Ottawa".




13 comments:

  1. i think this is your best post yet, my man. you had me on the ground.

    "Each case would come with one outstanding Swedish premium brew... but for some reason the beers on the left and right of it would always be terrible."

    "When you tried to take the empties back for your deposit, you’d find out that half the bottles came with a no-returns clause"

    "and my favourite:You'd spend all your time thinking 'This sucks, but at least I don't have to drink that swill they make up in Ottawa.'"

    you're on fire. i look forward to the next one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "...Nobody involved in making it would have the slightest idea how to lift a cup."

    Absolutely golden.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Every year, the beer would be ice cold from October through Febuary, warm up unexpectedly in March, go completely flat in early April and be discontinued by spring." Yesss!

    I tried to use a McCabe can-opener... the can exploded in my face! Ended up being cold and wet and giggled at by girls.

    ReplyDelete
  4. A little tip on the McCabe beer... it may not be very good, but if you put it in a penatly box for two minutes it will turn into an never-ending supply of wine.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What about Darcy Tucker Premium? Every consecutive Beer never tastes as good as you remember it being last time.
    Or Woznewski XXX king cans, its god awful, you don't know who the hell in their right mind would buy it or why, but its always there.

    Also, best. post. ever.

    I feel privilaged to have helped inspire such genius.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey, Marcy, what's holding the towel up?

    ReplyDelete
  7. jared, it was all you, loser domi and me...look at the greatness we inspired! it's a beautiful thing.

    and the wozniewski beer is good for only beer pong, where you use the shittiest beer possible...

    ReplyDelete
  8. To know that I was part of such awesomeness has sincerely lifted my spirits (both the literary and the drinkable kind.)

    Maybe the Wozniewski beer explains how he always managed to do that patented half-elongated half fall-twist move? Seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOcAtAOkj9g

    also, should I be worried that I can still type out Wozniewski with thinking about it? that's kinda disturbing to me...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great Post - I'll raise a glass to this one later tonight. Really well done...

    ReplyDelete
  10. just thought of this... we need Mark Bell on a poster that says "Drink Responsibly". Sorry, but it needed to be said.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great article, how about a Raycroft brew with holes in the can?

    Can be used as road hockey net targets...

    ReplyDelete
  12. How about "They'd buy a bunch of oversized bottles that wouldn't fit the cap."

    ReplyDelete
  13. The Wendel Clark beer would come in a case with one big can and 23 beaten and crushed ones.

    the Nik Antropov beer would only taste good after 9 years.

    Tie Domi beer cans would be manufactured by Magna

    the Kyle Wellwood beer would be "low calorie"

    Curtis Joseph beer tastes the best for the first 1/2 of the can. The next 1/4 you taste nothing before tasting the last 1/4 which tastes like despicable shit!

    The Brian Bradley/Benoit Hogue/Sergio Mommesso/Dimitri Kristich/Jason Blake/Andrew Raycroft/Tom Kurvers/Robert Reichel/Mike Craig/Jeff O'Neill/
    beer will come with a suprise gift that always turns out to be disappointing
    The brewery would add a new section to make hot dogs. In the first few years the hot dogs would be rotten and inedible. They would get the hot dogs to taste better for a couple of years before totally destroying the taste for a good few years. The head chef would be relegated to live and work in New Jersey. 2 Italian specialists would be brought in to run the show bringing with them a whole contingent of European chefs. The Italians would be hailed as gods and saviours before everyone realized the hot dog taste was only masked with additives. A year or so later another wing that makes screwdrivers would be opened with a Scotsman in charge.

    The brew house would be renovated to add 18 floors of condominium space.

    ReplyDelete