Beyond the octopus: More new rules for NHL fans

The only way to get the taste of cheering
for Todd Bertuzzi out of your mouth.

The NHL made some unexpected headlines over the weekend, thanks to a bizarre story out of Detroit. After years of fans celebrating postseason Red Wing goals by tossing an octopus onto the ice, the league has apparently pushed for a crackdown that will see fans fined and ejected for participating in the tradition.

The news was met with instant and near-unanimous scorn by hockey fans, as the move apparently makes the NHL one of the few businesses in the world that discourages customers from hurling animal carcasses at its employees.

But fans that are angry about the Detroit development should get ready for more outrage, because the octopus ban is just the beginning. Sources tell me that the NHL is preparing a detailed code of conduct for hockey fans that will be rolled out over the coming months.

While the list of new rules and regulations is still being finalized, I've received a leaked copy of an early draft. If you enjoy attending NHL games, you may as well start memorizing these now:

• If the majority of fans decide to make more noise for the mascot's hot dog gun than they do for the action on the ice, he's allowed to switch to live ammunition.
  
  
• Fans in the upper deck may not throw objects or shout insults at Zdeno Chara. In return, Chara may not reach into the stands, pluck the fan out of their seat by the back of their shirt, and dangle them menacingly over his gaping mouth.
  
  
• Fans are advised to refrain from taunting the opposing goaltender by derisively chanting his name until he has actually allowed a goal. If you try to start the chant on the opening shift, the league-appointed statistician in attendance should just go ahead and award credit for the shutout that's inevitably coming.
  
  
• Any Vancouver Canuck fans throwing items towards the ice who accidentally drills those two dancing guys in the green bodysuits instead shall receive a stern warning and a high-five.
  
  
• All fans are strongly encouraged to try to start "The Wave" during games, assuming they have first invented a time machine and travelled back to 1987.
  
  
• Toronto Maple Leaf fans with tickets in the lower-bowl section must not suddenly cheer or leap to their feet during the first ten minutes of a period, as it may startle the waiter carrying the miso-glazed sablefish and truffled Yukon potato gnocchi to their table in the Platinum Lounge.
  
  
• Every lifelong diehard Florida Panther fan should really think about trimming his nose hair, Dave.
  
  
• Montreal fans should feel free to keep setting cars on fire after playoff games, since otherwise lazy hockey bloggers would have to come up with new material for their Habs jokes.
  
  
• Feel free to roll your eyes when they blare "Welcome To The Jungle" into the arena for the fifth time this period, as it will help your fellow fans identify you as somebody who lacks awesome taste in music.
  
  
• Ottawa Senator fans must not throw any object in the direction of the arena's video scoreboard, since it was officially designated as a protected heritage item back in 1952.
  
  
• We're not singling out anyone in particular and this is purely a hypothetical, but maybe certain fan bases should think about hitting a treadmill before leaning over the glass by the penalty box to taunt the other team's enforcer.
  
  
• Fans should refrain from yelling "SHOOT" at Tomas Kaberle when he has the puck at the point. This isn't really a formal rule, but man, just don't waste your time.
  
  
• Phoenix Coyote fans will not be allowed to throw things on the ice, or yell things, or attend hockey games, ever again, starting later this week.