Remembering five big trades between eventual Stanley Cup finalists

I’m starting to get the sinking feeling that this season may come and go without one of my favorite types of trades.

That would be a deal between two teams that end up facing each other in the next Stanley Cup final, one where the player (or players) involved get to try to cost their former team a championship. There’s still hope – maybe Anthony Mantha gets a shot at the Capitals, or Sam Lafferty gets some payback against the Maple Leafs, or Sean Walker crosses path with the Flyers. But it doesn’t seem like Reilly Smith is going to get a crack at the Knights or that we’ll see Tyler Toffoli haunting the Devils, and it looks like we’ll have to wait until next year for the inevitable Bowen Byram/Casey Mittelstadt Stanley Cup showdown.

It's a shame. But it’s not unusual, because as you’d probably expect, big trades between eventual finalists are rare. Rare, but not unheard of. So today, let’s Remember Some Trades with a countdown of a five times that a trade between two teams ended up paying off in a Stanley Cup final matchup months down the line.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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Building a roster of all-time Maple Leaf trade regrets

With a few days to go until the trade deadline, Kyle Dubas and the Maple Leafs still haven’t pulled off their big move. Or maybe they have, and Jack Campbell was it. But most of the fan base seems to be expecting something bigger, preferably a top-four defenseman. And while Dubas doesn’t have much in the way of picks to work with, he could surely work a blockbuster using guys off of the current roster, or from the prospect pipeline. Do it Kyle! Swing for the fences!

Just one thing: Do not under any circumstances trade away somebody we’re all going to regret losing.

That’s the tricky part of making trades. Fans love the short-term adrenaline rush of seeing a big deal cross the wire. But something has to go the other way, and that will often be a player or two or more. And sometimes, those players can turn out to be pretty good.

That’s where the regret comes in, along with that sense of disbelief that anyone ever thought it would be a good idea to give up that guy in the first place. It’s a feeling that Maple Leaf fans know well.

How well? How about well enough to fill out a full roster, which is what we’re going to do today. Just in case there were any Leaf fans out there with a little bit of hope and optimism still clinging to this rollercoaster of a season, let’s wring that right out with a full 20-man roster of guys that the Leafs probably wish they hadn’t traded away.

A few quick ground rules. First, we’re only worried about what the player did over the course of his career after being traded away by the Leafs. We’re looking at trades only, not guys lost to free agency or waivers or various drafts. And finally, we’re only considering players, not draft picks.

That last one is important because it removes a few names you might be expecting to see. Scott Niedermayer was never Maple Leafs’ property. Neither were Tyler Seguin or Roberto Luongo, or John Gibson or Roman Josi, or any number of good players who were drafted with picks that teams acquired from Toronto. The Leafs have certainly had a bad habit of trading high picks over the years, and it almost always works out great for the team on the other side. But trading a pick isn’t the same as trading a player, and you never know who your team might have taken if they’d stayed in that spot. While it costs us some star power, we’re going to stick to players who actually belonged to the Leafs.

The good news is that we still have plenty of candidates to choose from. And by good news, I mean let’s all hold hands and feel sad together. We’ll build this team the way all those Dubas critics insist on, from the net out …

Goaltenders

Bernie Parent

The trade: Parent bounced around a bit early in his career, going from the Bruins to the Flyers to the Leafs before flirting with the WHA. That led to the Leafs sending his rights back to Philadelphia in 1973.

What he did once he left: Parent returned to the NHL for the 1973-74 season and immediately won the Vezina, Conn Smythe and Stanley Cup. Then he did it all again the next year. He was inducted into the Hall-of-Fame in 1984.

But it’s OK because the Leafs got: The 10th overall pick in the 1973 draft, which they used on Bob Neely. He played five NHL seasons and scored 36 career goals as a Leaf.

Tuukka Rask

The trade: Heading into the 2006 offseason, Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. found himself with two can’t miss goaltending prospects, but nobody to hold down the starting job at the NHL level. He kept Justin Pogge and sent Rask to the Bruins.

What he did once he left: Rask is in his 11th season in Boston, most of those as a starter. He’s won a Vezina, is closing in on the 300-win club and was part of a Cup winner in 2011.

But it’s OK because the Leafs got: Andrew Raycroft, in a straight-up deal. He lasted one season as the starter in Toronto, leading the league in goals against and then lost his job to Vesa Toskala. That may be the most depressing sentence I’ve ever written.

But remember, the Leafs also got to keep Pogge, who played (checks notes) seven NHL games. A lot of people forget that part.

>> Read the full post at The Athletic

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What happens when one team has two elite defensemen?

The Erik Karlsson watch continues. After rumours swirled all weekend that a deal to send Karlsson to Tampa was imminent, we’ve made it into the week without a trade. The Lightning still seem like the frontrunner, but for now, nothing is official.

That’s good news for everyone who isn’t a Lightning fan, because it means there’s still a chance that the two-time Norris winner won’t end up playing on the same team as this year’s recipient – Victor Hedman — and maybe even on the same pairing. That’s vaguely terrifying for the rest of the league, since we’re told that defence wins championships and the Lightning would have two of the very best in the league.

That kind of star power sharing the same blue line is rare, but not unheard of. So today, let’s run through some of the times over the past 30 years or so that one team could run out a pair of Hall of Fame defencemen. Note that we’re talking about a pair here, not necessarily a pairing – in most cases, these players weren’t used on the same unit, and we don’t know whether Karlsson and Hedman would be. But even if they’re deployed separately, having two Norris-caliber defencemen gives a coach all sorts of opportunity to dominate matchups.

It also virtually guarantees a Stanley Cup… most of the time. As we’ll see, there are no sure things in the NHL, although having an all-star blue line comes awfully close.

Chris Pronger and Scott Niedermayer, Anaheim Ducks

There’s a good chance that when you saw the subject for this post, this is the first pair that came to mind. They land right in that sweet spot where they’re recent enough that everyone remembers them, but long enough ago that we can start to build a mythology around them.

In the case of the Ducks, the mythology goes something like this: Anaheim was a good team coming out of the lockout, and they became a very good one when they signed Niedermayer as a free agent in 2005. But it was the acquisition of Pronger in 2006, thanks to some aggressive maneuvering by GM Brian Burke, that gave Anaheim one of the greatest pair of blueliners in modern NHL history, and they rolled to the Stanley Cup the very next year.

Most of that mythology is pretty much true, although it leaves out a few details, like Pronger forcing his way out of Edmonton and Niedermayer choosing the Ducks at least partly because he could play with his brother.

Those minor details aside, it’s hard to deny how overpowering the pair were. Randy Carlyle often used them on the same unit; other times he’d split them up and basically play the entire game with a Norris winner on the ice. During Anaheim’s Cup run, both players averaged roughly 30 minutes a game, miles ahead of any other Ducks.

When you think of a potential Karlsson/Hedman combo, this is the scenario you’re dreaming of if you’re a Lightning fan and dreading if you’re anyone else. But the story ending with a Cup parade isn’t quite inevitable, as Pronger himself can remind us…

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Ten times an elite defenceman was traded in his prime

If you’re the sort of fan who enjoys a good trade rumour, these days it’s all about the blue line.

That’s not all that unusual – in today’s NHL, it always feels like just about everyone needs help on defence. But for a change, we’re not just talking about depth pieces or short-term rentals. Instead, it’s some of the biggest names in the sport who are rumoured to potentially be available. In Ottawa, there’s been talk that Erik Karlsson could move at some point before he hits free agency in 2019. Arizona is facing a similar dilemma with Oliver Ekman-Larsson. And the slumping Penguins are now reported to at least be considering a move involving Kris Letang.

That’s not to say that any of those trades will happen, of course. But it’s rare to even see names of this magnitude show up in discussions at all. After all, as we’re so often told, nobody trades elite defencemen in their prime in this league.

Or do they? It turns out, trades involving top defencemen have been more common than you might think.

So today, let’s crack open the history books for a look at some of the times in NHL history that an elite defenceman was traded in his prime. We’re looking for guys who were established stars, which we’ll define as already having at least one post-season all-star pick or multiple top-five Norris finishes in their career. We also want players who were still relatively young, which we’ll say means they were 32 or younger. That rules out guys who were traded later in their career, like Brian Leetch and Ray Bourque, as well as some who blossomed into top-tier stars after they were traded, like Ryan McDonagh and Brent Burns. But it still leaves us with a surprisingly long list of candidates.

Here are 10 times in the last 30 years than an elite defenceman was traded in his prime, and what those deals might teach us about what to expect from today’s rumoured moves.

Paul Coffey

The trade: We have plenty of trades to choose from with Coffey, who was traded seven times. We’ll go with his first, the 1987 deal that saw the Oilers send him along with Dave Hunter and Wayne Van Dorp to Pittsburgh for Craig Simpson, Dave Hannan, Moe Mantha and prospect Chris Joseph.

The reason: Coffey was a two-time Norris winner at the age of 26 and had been a key part of three Edmonton championships, but by the start of the 1987-88 season he was holding out in a contract dispute. The Oilers made him wait until November as they worked to get a top asset back; they found one in Simpson, a 21-year-old who’d been the first-overall pick two years earlier.

The result: This trade allowed Simpson to become the first player to ever score 50 goals in a season split between two teams. But over time, Coffey had the greater impact, including three 90-point seasons, and he helped the Penguins win their first Stanley Cup.

The lesson: Sometimes, your hand is forced and you just have to bite the bullet and do the best you can. Under the circumstances, the Oilers did OK on this deal.

Rob Blake

The trade: In February 2001, the Kings sent Blake and Steve Reinprecht to Colorado for Adam Deadmarsh, Aaron Miller, a player to be named later and two first-round picks.

The reason: Blake was a pending UFA and wanted big money, so Kings ownership decided to move him even though the team was contending for a playoff spot.

The result: The deal worked out great for the Avs, who won the Cup that year and then re-signed Blake for five more seasons. The Kings didn’t get much from the deal – Deadmarsh had his career cut short by injuries and the picks turned into Dave Steckel and Brian Boyle – but did get Blake back for a few years at the end of his career.

The lesson: When a Norris-calibre player becomes available, sometimes going all-in pays off. The Avalanche had already traded for Bourque the year before, so they were firmly in all-or-nothing mode. They ended up with “all”, and have a banner to show for it. Remember that when contenders start to hem and haw about the asking price for Karlsson or Ekman-Larsson being too high.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

Requiem for a hockey trade

Today is trade deadline day, which means you can expect to hear certain words repeated over and over. "Buyers." "Sellers." "Rentals." Those are the key terms on a day filled with bad teams flipping players to good teams in return for future assets.

But back in the old days, there used to be a different term that showed up occasionally on days like today: "Hockey trades."

To be honest, back then we pretty much just called them "trades," and they went something like this: Two teams exchanged players in a deal where both sides were trying to get better. Nobody was throwing in the towel and rebuilding, and nobody was sacrificing future assets for a short-term boost. Just two teams, both trying to improve their rosters right now, and using a trade to do it.

I know. Crazy stuff.

But it did happen. And we even sort of got one Tuesday night -- the Brandon Davidson/David Desharnais deal, while not anyone's idea of a blockbuster, was at least kind of hockey-ish. So today, while we wait for the rental market to heat up, let's look back at five true hockey trades from deadline history where there were no clear buyers and no sellers, just two teams trying to get the best end of a deal.

1989 – Mike Gartner and Larry Murphy for Dino Ciccarelli and Bob Rouse

Let's start back in 1989 with a classic hockey deal. No picks, no prospects, just a forward and a defenseman on each side of the trade.

Oh, and 75% of the deal ended up in the Hall of Fame. That's not bad for a day's work.

The deal saw Capitals GM David Poile trade away Gartner, at the time the franchise's all-time leading scorer, and Murphy, who'd been a Norris finalist less than two years ago. In exchange, the North Stars gave up their top goal-scorer in Ciccarelli and a hard-nosed blueliner in Rouse.

As it turned out, none of the players stuck around in their new homes all that long. Gartner was traded again at the 1990 deadline, and by the time Ciccarelli was dealt to Detroit in 1992, all four players had moved on. Still, at the time this was an impressive blockbuster, and in hindsight it's probably the most star-studded four-player deal in league history.

My favorite part of the lore of this trade: According to reports at the time, it was finalized exactly one minute before the deadline.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

Assembling history's all-deadline team

We’re down to eight days until the deadline, and so far the market has been… a little slow. Just a bit sluggish. Did you bet the under? You’re probably going to win.

Maybe GMs around the league are just saving up for the big finale. Or maybe they’re all big wimpy babies. But there’s another possible explanation. Maybe they just need a little extra motivation.

Let’s provide some. Today, let’s put together a full roster of the best trade deadline–week acquisitions in league history. We’re only looking at what each player did with his new team here, and we’re not counting draft picks that turned into stars (we covered a few of those last week). But that still gives us plenty of big names to choose from. Consider it a reminder that every now and then, a smart and/or lucky GM can land a major difference-maker with the right deadline move.

Will this year’s deadline add anyone to the team? Time will tell. But for now, let’s meet our roster.

FIRST LINE

Ron Francis, Pittsburgh Penguins (March 4, 1991)

The 1990–91 Penguins were already stacked, boasting future Hall of Famers like Mario Lemieux, Paul Coffey, Larry Murphy, Joe Mullen and Bryan Trottier, not to mention a team-leading 113-point season from Mark Recchi and a rookie with funny hair named Jaromir Jagr. But with his team hovering just two games over .500 and coming off a four-game losing streak, GM Craig Patrick apparently decided that they needed something more.

And so, a week before the 1991 deadline, Patrick swung one of the biggest trades of the era, sending John Cullen, Jeff Parker and Zarley Zalapski to Hartford for Francis, Ulf Samuelsson and Grant Jennings. It was, to put it mildly, a questionable move for the Whalers. Francis was the franchise, and seeing him dealt away devastated the fanbase.

Francis would go on to have some of the best years of his career in Pittsburgh, and his arrival was a key to the team winning back-to-back Cups.

Brett Hull, St. Louis Blues (March 7, 1988)

The trade that sent Brett Hull from Calgary to St. Louis might hold the distinction of being the most lopsided trade in sports history that neither team is all that unhappy with.

From the Blues' side, it was a heist. Hull would go on to record three straight 70-plus goal seasons and win an MVP in St. Louis, and they got him and Steve Bozek for a pair of solid-but-unspectacular veterans in Rick Wamsley and Rob Ramage. It's the best trade in franchise history, and it's not close.

But while the Flames got robbed in terms of long-term value, they made the deal with a purpose: Load up on experience to win a Stanley Cup. In 1989, they did, taking home the franchise's first and only championship. Would you trade that banner to get Hull back? Probably not, but Hull still gets a spot on our first line.

Markus Naslund, Vancouver Canucks (March 20, 1996)

Naslund reunites with Francis on our top line. The two were teammates in Pittsburgh in the mid-’90s; Naslund had actually put up 52 points in 66 games in his first full NHL season in 1995–96. But the Pens already had plenty of skill and wanted some toughness, so they sent the young Swede to Vancouver in exchange for bruiser Alek Stojanov.

That move worked out OK for Vancouver; Naslund would go on to become the franchise leader in goals and points.

>> Read the full post at Sportsnet

The five best trade deadlines by eventual Stanley Cup winners

Only one team ever truly “wins” trade deadline day, and it’s the team that goes on to capture the Stanley Cup.

That’s what they say, anyway. It seems like a pretty simplistic way of looking at things, if we’re being honest, since all a GM can ever be realistically asked to do is to put his team in the best possible position to win. Nothing is ever guaranteed in life, and the idea that you’re retroactively wrong to have even tried unless everything works out perfectly seems a little fatalistic.

But either way, there is something special to be said for the GM who swings for the fences at the deadline and then sees it all pay off in a Stanley Cup parade a few months later. So today, let’s give the spotlight over to the few who’ve managed to pull it off. Here are the five best trade deadline week hauls by teams that went on to win the Stanley Cup that same season.

#5: Detroit Red Wings, 1997

The Red Wings have a fascinating trade deadline history. They’ve been good for so long that no team has had more opportunity to load up for deep playoff runs. And since GM Ken Holland virtually never makes deals during the first four months of the season, that leaves the Wings with lots of work to do most years at the deadline.

And they’ve had some big ones, although with mixed results. They landed Matthieu Schneider in 2003 and Robert Lang in 2004, plus Todd Bertuzzi in 2007 and Brad Stuart in 2008. In more recent years they’ve gone after guys like Kyle Quincey, David Legwand, Eric Cole and Marek Zidlicky. And they had one of the greatest “load up and go for it” deadlines of all-time back in 1999, when they pulled off the Chris Chelios blockbuster while also adding a who’s who of grizzled veterans, including Bill Ranford, Ulf Samuelsson and Wendel Clark. But that team didn’t win it all.

Instead, we’ll point back to far simpler deadline. Back in 1997, the Wings (then under the guidance of co-GMs Jimmy Devellano and Scotty Bowman) acquired future Hall of Famer Larry Murphy from the Maple Leafs. That’s it. That was the whole trade. The Leafs were embarking on a youth movement and wanted to unload the 36-year-old Murphy’s hefty salary, so they didn’t bother to ask for anything in return.

They say you can’t get something for nothing, but the Wings proved that wrong. In this case, that “something” turned out to be five more seasons of solid play from Murphy, including back-to-back Stanley Cup runs. It’s hard to do much better than that.

>> Read the full post at The Hockey News

Pick your cap: What if hockey's hall of fame worked like Cooperstown

The Hockey Hall of Fame officially welcomed six new members Monday night at the annual induction ceremony in Toronto. As per tradition, there were speeches, highlights, and the unveiling of each member’s plaque.

What there was not was any kind of formal emphasis on specific teams. That’s because, unlike baseball’s Hall of Fame, the hockey version doesn’t associate each new member with one team. Cooperstown inducts each player wearing a cap of the team he’s most associated with, which can lead to plenty of debate.

Hockey doesn’t do that. But what if we did?

It wouldn’t be an especially tough question for this year’s four player inductees; Dominik Hasek would go in as a Sabre, Peter Forsberg as an Av, Rob Blake as a King, and Mike Modano as a Star. But other years, it wouldn’t have been such an easy call. Some of hockey’s greatest stars split their prime years between two or more teams, and choosing just one franchise to induct a player under would lead to all sorts of arguments, hyperbole, and hurt feelings.

That sounds like fun, so let’s give it a try. Let’s reimagine the Hockey Hall of Fame under Cooperstown rules: Each player has to go in as a representative of one team, and one team only.

First, let’s get a few of the easier ones out of the way. Consider this a pregame stretch:

Brendan Shanahan: Red Wings

He played the majority of his 21-year career elsewhere, but the three Stanley Cups in Detroit make this one an easy call.

Doug Gilmour: Maple Leafs

He spent more time in Toronto than anywhere else and had his best seasons there; that’s enough to trump the Cup he won in Calgary.

Dino Ciccarelli: North Stars

He moved around a lot, but he scored three times as many goals with Minnesota as anywhere else.

Al MacInnis: Flames

A tougher call than I expected; he played 10 years in St. Louis and won his only Norris there. But his offensive totals (and Stanley Cup) from his 13 years in Calgary tip the scales.

Paul Coffey: Oilers

Played just seven of his 21 seasons in Edmonton, but they were his best.

Pat LaFontaine: Islanders

A tougher call than you’d think, since his crazy 1992-93 in Buffalo was his signature season. But injuries just limited his games played as a Sabre too much.

Wayne Gretzky: Oilers

Come on.

♦♦♦

Now that we’re all warmed up, let’s move on to some tougher cases. Here are eight Hockey Hall of Famers who’d be tougher to nail down.

Patrick Roy: Canadiens or Avalanche?

Roy played 10 full seasons in Montreal to just seven in Colorado, with one season split between the two. But in terms of games played, it’s much closer, at just a 53 percent–to–47 percent edge for the Canadiens. And that’s for the regular season; in the playoffs, Roy actually played 133 games in Colorado to 114 in Montreal.

He split his four Stanley Cups between the two teams. Roy’s numbers in Colorado were significantly better than in Montreal, with his six best seasons in terms of GAA all coming as an Av. But that’s a function of the high-flying ’80s and early ’90s versus the dead puck decade that followed; adjusted for era, his numbers with both teams largely even out.

Perhaps the best argument for the Avalanche is that those were the years that Roy seemed to go from “very good goaltender” to “all-time great” in the eyes of most fans. But that’s because it was the second half of his career, when he started passing milestones and breaking records. As good as he was in Colorado, he was objectively better in Montreal — he won all three of his Vezinas there, and was a postseason first- or second-team All-Star five times, compared to just once in Colorado.

The verdict: Roy goes into the Hall as a Hab, in a decision that wasn’t as close as I thought it would be. By the way, Roy himself was asked about this when he was inducted, and dodged the question.

Brad Park: Rangers or Bruins?

Park isn’t as well known to the current generation of fans as fellow ’70s blueliners like Bobby Orr or Denis Potvin. In fact, that’s a big part of his legacy — he was the runner-up for the Norris Trophy six times over nine seasons without ever winning, the first four to Orr and the last two to Potvin.

With the exception of two years with the Wings, he split his career between the Rangers and Bruins. And it was just about as even a split as you could imagine. He played seven full seasons with each team, plus one year split between them. And his productivity with each team was eerily similar. Via Hockey-Reference.com, here were Park’s per-game averages with each team:

Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty close.

The verdict: The Rangers. They drafted and developed him, and he earned the majority of his All-Star selections (and Norris second-place finishes) in New York.

>> Read the full post on Grantland

Surprises from the NHL's brief filed in the NFL labour dispute

Everyone who's really serious about
reducing concussions, raise your hand...

Football fans are having a rough off-season. With a messy NFL labour dispute heading into its third month with no end in sight, fans now have reason to fear that the league may lose part of the upcoming season to a work stoppage, if not the entire year.

Of course, that's a feeling hockey fans know all too well. And this week, the NHL found itself linked to the football labour dispute in a more concrete way. The league reportedly made an appearance in the protracted courtroom battle between the NFL and it's decertified players association, filing a legal brief urging a judge to side with the owners.

The move caught many observers off-guard, and raised an obvious question: What sort of insight could the NHL really have to offer into football's problems?

Plenty, as it turns out. I managed to obtain a top secret copy of the NHL's brief, and found that it contains detailed advice that NFL owners will no doubt find invaluable. Here's a selection of highlights from the filing:

• The cover page of the document has a note in what appears to be NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's handwriting reading "Should I have heard of these guys?"
  
  
• The brief contains a lengthy section titled "How to keep a straight face if the players start to swear that they'll never accept a hard salary cap."
  
  
• The league includes a helpful suggestion that the NFL consider generating some publicity by holding an outdoor game at a football stadium.
  
  
• From force of habit, the brief includes multiple references to the Winnipeg Cardinals.
  

Read the rest of this post...

Matt Cooke's suspension hearing: The top secret transcript

Hey Matt, I've lost count, how
many suspensions is that now?

Scene: The NHL's head office, inside a window-lined boardroom with "Department of Supplemental Discipline" written on the door. Colin Campbell, Mike Murphy and Gary Bettman sit at one end of a large table, with Matt Cooke and Mario Lemieux at the other.

Colin Campbell: Hi Matt. Welcome to the hearing. Did you have any trouble finding a parking spot?

Matt Cooke: Nah, I just parked out front in the "Reserved for Matt Cooke" space.

Campbell: Great. So I've watched the replay of this Ryan McDonagh hit a dozen times. It sure looks like you're intentionally targeting a defenceless opponent with a flagrant elbow to the head. How can you possibly defend your actions?

Cooke: Um... it was an accident?

Campbell: An accident.

Cooke (hesitantly): ... Yes?

A long pause. Campbell stares at Cooke intently before finally breaking the silence.

Campbell: Great, well thanks for clearing that up. Zero games. Sorry for troubling you.

Campbell and Murphy begin gathering up their papers and prepare to leave the room. Cooke looks around in confusion.

Gary Bettman: Uh, everyone? Could we hold on just a second? Maybe we could talk about this one a little more?

Campbell and Murphy stop in the doorway.

Campbell: Well, sure, I guess. If you want to.

Bettman: You know, just since we have the room booked and all.

Campbell (returning to his seat): OK. Well, since I've already subjected Matt to in-depth questioning... Mario, do you have anything to say?

Mario Lemieux: Do I have to?

Campbell: Yes.

Lemieux (sighing): Fine. Look, he's on my team. He's one of my players, technically. So... you know... don't suspend him, I guess.

Campbell: That's very helpful, thanks.

Lemieux: I need to leave now.

Lemieux bolts out the door.

Campbell: Thanks Mario. Our next witness is scheduled to be... hmm, what does it say on my sheet here... "a world-renowned and completely impartial hockey expert, named... Dr. Wario Mellieux".

A man who looks oddly like Mario Lemieux wearing a moustache made out of duct tape walks into the room.

Campbell: Dr. Mellieux, your thoughts?

Mellieux: Matt Cooke is an abomination, a scumbag, an embarrassment, everything that's wrong with the game. I hate him. He should be banned for life.

Cooke: Dude...

Mellieux: And also, he shouldn't count against the salary cap while he's suspended.

They're interrupted by a figure poking his head in the door.

Trevor Gillies: You wanted to see me, Colin?

Campbell: Uh... no.

Gillies (looking down at a newspaper with headline reading "Hockey's biggest cheapshot artist facing suspension yet again"): Oh. Oops, my mistake.

Campbell: No problem Trevor. Talk to you in a few weeks.

Gillies: Sure thing. By the way, whoever's driving the Mercedes Benz with the "MARIO66" vanity plates, I smashed into it from behind. Sorry.

Mellieux: Son of a...

Delivery guy (entering room): OK, who ordered the large pizza with extra cheese and...

Matt Cooke leaps to his feet and begins elbowing the delivery guy repeatedly in the head.

Bettman: Matt...

Cooke: Oops... my bad. Sorry everyone. Force of habit.

Bettman: Don't worry about it. Hey, at least you didn't slam his face into a stanchion!

Zdeno Chara (poking his head through a window): I heard that!

Cooke: Aren't we on the third floor?

Bettman: Never mind that. Look Matt, your hit was very dangerous, but you're here to defend yourself. So go ahead, tell us why we shouldn't throw the book at you.

Cooke: Look, I know I've made mistakes. I'm a physical player and yes, I step over the line sometimes. But so do lots of players, and most of them don't get big suspensions.

Campbell: Exactly. I went easy on Dany Heatley and Brad Marchand, and I didn't suspend Chara at all...

Mellieux (under his breath): Or that jerk who took out Marc Savard.

Campbell: Shush. The point is, plenty of players do dirty things without getting suspended. Why start getting tough now, right?

Cooke: Exactly! I mean, honestly, is hitting one guy in the head really any more dirty that smashing a guy in the face repeatedly with your elbow pad, the way Gregory Campbell did against Montreal...

The room immediately goes silent.

Cooke: Uh... I mean...

Everyone is too horrified to speak.

Campbell (calmly): I'm sorry, Matt, could you repeat that? Any more dirty than who?

Cooke (deer in headlights): Uh... uh...

Campbell (nonchalantly rolling up his sleeves): Everyone leave the room please.

Murphy sprints for the door. Dr. Mellieux leaves his chair spinning, while Bettman leaps over the table. The pizza delivery guy struggles to commando-crawl out the door, which is then quickly slammed and padlocked shut. The group huddles fearfully in the hallway for several moments.

Campbell (from inside the room): Incoming!

An airborne Matt Cooke smashes through the window and lands in the hallway. Campbell steps through the broken glass and pauses over Cook's dazed body.

Campbell (dusting himself off): When he comes to, tell him he's done until the second round of the playoffs. After all, we have to send a message that there are certain lines that just can't be crossed.

---

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A hockey fan's guide to the Super Bowl

Oh look, it's the Stanley Cup's younger,
scrawnier little brother.

After taking some time off for the all-star festivities, the NHL's regular season is back just in time for the weekend. And there will be plenty of action, thanks to a half dozen Friday night games and 11 more on Saturday. There are even three Sunday matinees on the schedule.

And then, nothing. The league has taken Sunday night off.

After some in-depth investigative journalism, I think I've uncovered the reason: apparently there's a football game that night. Presumably, the NHL has decided that it would be rude to overshadow another league's title game, and is allowing the Super Bowl to have the stage to itself.

That's a nice gesture, but it will be jarring for sports fans who binge on hockey all weekend and then have to switch gears. In an attempt to ease the transition, here's a list of some key differences between regular season hockey and the Super Bowl to watch out for.

The Super Bowl: If you see fans wearing cheese on their heads, you'll know that they are fans of the Green Bay Packers.
Regular season hockey: If you see fans with food on their head, you'll know that whoever is throwing waffles at the Maple Leafs that night has a weak arm and poor depth perception.

The Super Bowl: Any coach who wishes to issue a challenge will immediately drop a red flag onto the playing surface.
Regular season hockey: Any goaltender who wishes to issue a challenge will immediately drop Rick DiPietro onto the playing surface.

The Super Bowl: Many players express their unique personalities by growing their hair long, sporting intricate tattoos, and performing choreographed celebrations after big plays.
Regular season hockey: Many players express their unique personalities by choosing a nickname that consists of their last name with the suffix "er", instead of their last name with the suffix "ie".

The Super Bowl: You can buy commercial time, assuming you have a few million dollars sitting around that you'd like to waste on something that will have no discernible impact on your product's success.
Regular season hockey: Unfortunately, Ilya Kovalchuk doesn't hit free agency again until 2025.

Regular season hockey: That thing that takes twenty minutes to complete, plus commercials and breaks for the participants to rest, is called a "period".
The Super Bowl: That thing that takes twenty minutes to complete, plus breaks for the participants to rest, is called "Christina Aguilera singing the national anthem".

The Super Bowl: A pre-game coin flip is held to determine which team gets the ball first.
Regular season hockey: A pre-game coin flip is held to determine which team Mike Murphy will be masterminding a shadowy conspiracy against.

The Super Bowl: Over 5,000 accredited media members from around the world will cover the game.
Regular season hockey: No single game would ever attract that many reporters, as doing so would divert valuable resources from around-the-clock trade deadline coverage.

The Super Bowl: Expect to see thousands of towels being waved madly by diehard Steeler fans throughout the game.
Regular season hockey: Expect to see dozens of towels being thrown in by the Ottawa Senators during the opening shift.

The Super Bowl: The only thing we can say for sure is that when the final whistle blows, we'll be left with one winner and one loser.
Regular season hockey: There's a decent chance the game will end with one winner and one tie.

The Super Bowl: Expect to hear plenty of references to ex-Packer Brett Favre, the former superstar who embarrassed himself with one too many comeback attempts and eventually became a running joke in the sports world.
Regular season hockey: Thankfully, it's been years since Peter Forsberg… wait, he's what? You're kidding. Good lord, please say you're kidding.

The Super Bowl: If you see a player jump into the first row of the stands, it's because he's a Green Bay Packer and has just scored a touchdown.
Regular season hockey: If you see a player jump into the first row of the stands, it's because he didn't really appreciate that fan's most recent reference to his mother.

The Super Bowl: Pittsburgh is known for being involved in games that feature violent head shots, which are immediately followed by swift and severe sanctions from the league in an effort to reduce concussions.
Regular season hockey: Pittsburgh is known for being involved in games that feature violent head shots.

Is this the worst it's ever been? Part two

In part one, we took a look at the Ballard years. This time around, we move into the Cliff Fletcher and Pat Quinn eras.

1992-93

Shanahan avoids eye contact,
lest he get "hextalled".

The good: Pat Burns arrives and immediately teaches the team a groundbreaking technique call "playing defence". Doug Gilmour scores 127 points, a new Leafs record. Overage Russian rookie Nikolai Borschevsky scores 34 goals. Rookie goalie Felix Potvin shines, allowing the Leafs to deal Grant Fuhr to the Sabres for a package that includes 50-goal man Dave Andreychuk.

The Leafs manage 99 points, then shock the hockey world with a 21-game playoff run that features Potvin's brilliance, the greatest five-man defensive unit of all time, the Foligno Leap, Borschevsky's OT winner againt the Wings, Gilmour's double-spinarama against the Blues, and Wendel's heroics against the Kings.

Toronto-based jails and hospitals are empty since there is no longer any crime or illness in the city. Flowers bloom during winter time. Racism ends.

The bad: Kery Fraser chokes on the biggest call of his career, then lies about it. The NHL responds to the scandal by cancelling the rest of the playoffs, so no Stanley Cup is awarded in 1993. Meanwhile, a young John Ferguson Jr. ends his minor hockey career as an utter failure, and decides to maybe give the management side of things a shot.

How bad was it? 10/100. Short of a Stanley Cup win, this was as good as it can possibly get.


1993-94

The good: The Leafs start the year 10-0, establishing a new record for best start to a season and briefly establishing the team as consensus Stanley Cup favorite for the first (and only) time in a generation. Wendel has the best year of his career despite playing with one knuckle still embedded in Marty McSorely's eyeball. Gilmour is brilliant again, and Andreychuk scores another 50. Another long playoff run is highlighted by the Leafs shutting the doors on Chicago Stadium, leading to a second straight appearance in the conference finals.

The bad: The Leafs bow out sort of meekly against a Canuck team they should have beaten. Gary Bettman changes the names of the divisions to something more American-friendly, and hockey starts getting worse every year.

How bad was it? 20/100. This season was sort of like 1992-93's not-quite-as-cool younger brother. Leaf fans are finally starting to think that their suffering is at and end and long-term success is near.


1994-95

The good: At the 1994 draft, the Leafs acquire Mats Sundin from the Nordiques in exchange for Wendel Clark.

The bad: At the 1994 draft, the Leafs acquire Mats Sundin from the Nordiques in exchange for Wendel Clark.

Also, half the season is wiped out by the lockout, Doug Gilmour manages fewer points than Mike Ridley, and the Leafs lose in the first round of the playoffs. The Devils win the Cup, proving that incredibly dull defense can win out over talent. Gary Bettman can't see any problem with this.

How bad was it? 40/100. Clearly just a temporary bump in the road, probably due to the lockout. We'll be contending again next year.


1995-96

The good: Wendel Clark returns (part one), and scores on one of his first shifts back in maybe the last truly great Gardens moment. Sundin has another good year on an otherwise veteran squad. The Leafs bring in a bunch of veteran stars like Larry Murphy, Kirk Muller and Dave Gagner and have a great team on paper. Felix is still pretty solid. The always under-rated Dmitry Yushkevich is acquired, and Tie Domi returns to Toronto at the trade deadline.

The bad: After three years, the team starts to tune out Burns and he's eventually fired late in the season. Nick Beverely takes over as coach and infamously calls the team "nimrods". Andreychuk is traded. The Leafs slump through the second half, finish under .500, and lose in the first round of the playoffs to Wayne Gretzky and the Blues.

How bad was it? 60/100. What the hell is going on? We'd better do some serious damage in the playoffs next year.


1996-97

Kirk Muller cuts in front of Chris Chelios,
who was too old to skate 12 years ago.

The good: Clark scores 30 goals, even though everyone will later claim he wasn't any good in his second stint with the Leafs. Sundin is great again, and rookie Sergei Berezin is strangely intriguing.

The bad: New coach Mike Murphy crashes and burns. The Leafs miss the playoffs, then watch the Islanders use their first round pick on Roberto Luongo. Larry Murphy is terrible, and the fans turn on him. Felix is starting to struggle. Doug Gilmour is traded to the Devils at the deadline in a deal that lands the Leafs three good young players but officially ends the "Passion Returns" era. Fletcher leaves the team at the end of the season.

How bad was it? 80/100. Oh god, no... it's all happening again!

1997-98

The good: Absolutely nothing. Oh god this team is so bad I am so depressed won't somebody help me...

The bad: Other than Sundin and Clark, the Leafs prominently feature players like Derek King, Mike Johnson and Igor Korolev. Felix Potvin is officially bad. Nobody else from the 1992-93 run is even on the team anymore except for Jamie Macoun, playing the role of Dizzy Reed. At the end of the season the Leafs move out of the Norris (cough, Central) division.

How bad was it? 90/100. The '93 and '94 runs seem like a lifetime ago. It becomes clear that the Leafs will never ever make it to the conference finals again.


1998-99

No seriously, I'm fine back here.
All five of you guys go play offense.

The good: The Leafs make it to the conference finals again! Pat Quinn and Curtis Joseph arrive and combine to instantly transform the team back into contenders. Sundin is solid, Steve Thomas is great, Berezin is flying, young guys like Steve Sullivan and Freddy Modin are contributing, and the Leafs somehow lead the league in scoring by a mile.

Even better, the blueline is young and talented as Tomas Kaberle debuts, Danny Markov plays his first full year, and Bryan Berard is acquired mid-season. The Leafs shock everyone with 97 points, then beat the Flyers and Penguins to advance to the final four.

The bad: Somehow, the Leafs manage to lose to the Sabres in the conference finals even though Hasek is hurt for half of the series. The team also moves out of Maple Leaf Gardens and into the corporate mausoleum known as the ACC.

How bad was it? 30/100. It wasn't quite the Gilmour/Clark squad, but this was a heck of a fun team to watch.


1999-2000

The good: The Leafs are even better this year, recording 100 points for the first time in franchise history. Joseph is awesome once again, Darcy Tucker appears on the scene, and Jonas Hoglund arrives and plays for the Leafs until 2003 but still apparently manages to be Mats Sundin's linemate for 14 straight years. And most important of all, Wendel returns (part two) and proves to be a post-season inspiration.

The Leafs beat the Ottawa Senators in the first round of the playoffs, which is sort of sad since they're a Canadian team and their fans are kind of cool.

The bad: Bryan Berard has his eye carved out by Marion Hossa during a horrifying play that I am imagining because it never, ever happened according to the Ottawa media. The Leafs lose a tough second-round series to the eventual Cup-winning Devils.

How bad was it? 30/100. The Leafs were winning, and had a semi-young core. Times are good.


2000-01

The good: Gary Roberts arrives and immediately grabs the town by the throat. The Leafs trade Alexander Karpovtsev, who is a bad player right now, for Bryan McCabe, who won't be a bad player for four more years. The Leafs are a tough, veteran squad that doesn't take any crap. They sweep the Senators and their fans out of the first round, which is fine since those guys are getting kind of lippy.

The bad: The Leafs lose a seven-game heartbreaker to the Devils. The series is remembered for Tie Domi's horrifying elbow to the head of Scott Niedermayer, which injures the Devils' star so badly that doctors take his pulse on the ice and he is feared dead right up until he's out of camera view and immediately pops up and starts making cell phone calls.

How bad was it? 40/100. They're not getting any closer to the Cup, but at least the Leafs are contenders every year.


2001-02

The good: Ho-hum, another 100 points, and this time combined with another trip to the conference finals. Alexander Mogilny becomes the latest free agent star to sign in Toronto, and the team continues to pound opponents into submission.

Despite a growing injured list, the Leafs beat the Islanders in a seven-game series that may have been the most vicious of the modern era. They then pull off a shocking comeback to eliminate the Senators again, providing those whining crybabies with yet another playoff loss to choke on.

The bad: Everyone finally gets healthy early in the third round, just in time to lose to the vastly inferior Carolina Hurricanes, which not only eliminates the Leafs but also convinces the world that Paul Maurice knows how to coach. Curtis Joseph bails in the off-season to sign with Detroit. That little sellout, see if we ever forgive him.

How bad was it? 30/100. Oh well, we'll get 'em next year.


2002-03

The good: Ed Belfour replaces Joseph and is just as good, if not better, as the Leafs manage another strong year with 98 points. Alexander Mogilny tops the team in scoring, marking the only time Sundin doesn't. Sports Illustrated calls the Leafs the most hated team in hockey, which some people would consider a negative but I thought was pretty cool.

The bad: Quinn makes a disastrous deadline deal for Owen Nolan, who doesn't contribute much during his time in Toronto beyond his awesome "boo-hoo" reply to the Sens after the Flu Game. Quinn's other big deadline move is to re-acquire Doug Gilmour, who plays one period before suffering a career-ending knee injury. The Leafs lose a first-round playoff matchup for the first time in seven years, bowing out to the Flyers largely thanks to a series of meltdowns by Bryan McCabe.

Late in the off-season, Richard Peddie hires fresh-faced go-getter John Ferguson Jr. as general manager, presumably after losing a bet.

How bad was it? 50/100. Hey, remember when losing in the first round was considered a bad thing, and not a best-case scenario?


2003-04

I double-checked the math. It turns out
"four" is still a lot more than "zero".

The good: Sundin is great, McCabe has a career year, Joe Nieuwendyk joins the fold, and Ed Belfour is spectacular again. On their way to a team record 103-point season, the Leafs gear up for a long playoff run by adding future Hall of Famers Ron Francis and Brian Leetch at the deadline. The Leafs open the playoffs with a seven-game win over the pathetic Senators, whose cheap-shotting players and thumb-dicked fans can all go choke on demon chymus in hell.

The bad: The Leafs lose to the Flyers in round two when Jeremy Roenick's overtime winner sets off a massive celebration that's briefly interupted by the funeral of Sami Kapanen.

How bad was it? 40/100. This was arguably the best Leafs team of the post-expansion era, which made their second-round exit all that much tougher to take.

Coming up next: In our final installment, we look at the JFJ era and beyond...

Brighter days ahead for Bryan McCabe

OK, so you're Bryan McCabe.

Here's the bad news: Cliff Fletcher has called your bluff on the no-trade business, and now you're on the verge of heading out of town with your tail between your legs.

The worse news: You're going to the Florida Panthers, where hockey careers go to die.

But there is a bright side. And it's this: You, Bryan McCabe, are about to become an awesome hockey player.

That's right. Right now you may be a bumbling loser who everyone hates, but in mere weeks you'll rise from the ashes, reborn as an NHL superstar.

Yes, as per NHL rules, any player who isn't already a fan favorite (sorry, Wendel and Dougie) who is traded away from the Leafs will instantly become a far better player. That means you, Bryan.

The Canadian media will make sure it happens. After all, those "Bumbling Leafs screw up again!" stories aren't going to write themselves. So as soon as you're traded, you'll have an entire industry cheering your every minor success from now until the end of your career.

Don't believe me? Ask these guys.

Russ Courtnall

The myth: Russ Courtnall was a star, and trading him for John Kordic was one of the worst moves of all time.

The reality: Courtnall was a decent player with great speed, OK hands, generally lousy defensive skills and no grit. Was he a sniper? Not even close -- he never averaged even a point a game, despite playing in the top offensive era of all time. He had one 30-goal season, or half as many as Tom Fergus.

Overall, he was really just a very average player, and Kordic for Courtnall was a good trade.

Larry Murphy

The myth: Larry Murphy was a superstar in Pittsburgh and Detroit, but those dumb Leaf fans couldn't appreciate him and booed him out of town.

The reality: Murphy was great in Pittsburgh and Detroit. But he was just freaking terrible in Toronto. Why? No idea. But Toronto fans were right to boo Murphy.

Put it this way: the Leafs version of Murphy makes Bryan McCabe look like every other version of Murphy.

Vincent Damphousse

The myth: Damphousse had 1,200 career points. He was awesome.

The reality: Damphousse had 1,200 career points. He was pretty good.

Look, there's no arguing with 1,200 points. He did have some decent 90+ point seasons (unlike fellow superstar Courtnall). He also played for 47 years, which inflated his totals just a bit.

But do you ever notice how Damphousse is always mentioned in articles about the superstars the Leafs traded away, but never comes up in those other articles about how the Leafs never draft any star players? I wonder why that is...

Steve Sullivan

The myth: The Leafs thought he was too small to succeed in the NHL, but he went on to have seven straight 60+ seasons after leaving Toronto.

The reality: Hmm... OK, this one is pretty much true. Dammit. Let's just move on.

Kenny Jonsson

The myth: Jonsson was the best young defenceman in Toronto since Borje Salming. Trading him (as part of a package for Wendel Clark and Matthieu Schneider) was a terrible mistake, as he went on to become the star everyone knew he would be.

The reality: Jonsson had several good years with the Islanders. He was a decent all-around player. End of story. Not only wasn't he the next Borje Salming, he was barely the next Uwe Krupp.

Jonsson never played in an all-star game, was often hurt, and was out of the NHL after only ten years after being murdered by Gary Roberts during the 2004 playoffs. A fine career, sure, but nothing close to what you'd expect if you only went by his post-trade press clippings.

(Ironically, the dynamic young defenceman the Leafs gave up in that trade has been out of the NHL for four years, while the scraggly old one the Leafs got, Schneider, is still playing at a high level. For some reason Damien Cox keeps forgetting to mention this.)

And we haven't even got into the younger guys like Tuuka Rask and Brad Boyes. Shut it down, kids, you've already done more than enough! The hall of fame ceremony will be Monday.

So keep your chin up, Bryan. There are better days ahead. Go to Florida, play well enough to stay in the league, try not to score in your own net, and if it's not too much trouble score an occasional goal.

The Canadian media will take it from there.

The Nightmare Team: Defence and goalies

(This is part one of a three-part series. You can find part two, the forwards, right here. Part three, the front office, is here.)

Leafs blogger General Borschevsky recently unveiled his all-time Leafs dream team. And while its always nice to think back to the good times, my readers know that I sometimes have a little trouble staying positive when it comes to the Leafs.

So I got to thinking, what about the other side of the coin? What about those Leafs that we all loved to hate? Or, in some cases, just plain hated?

I humbly present my selections for the all-time Leaf loser squad: the players we'd all rather forget. As always, this list includes players from my roughly 25 years as a fan. Sadly, it wasn't very difficult to come up with a full roster.

Today, we'll focus on the defencemen and goalies.

Defence

BOOOOOOOOO!

Larry Murphy (1995-97)

Why we hate him: Murphy is the poster child for Leaf fan whipping boys. He's used as an example in the 50% of Leafs coverage that mentions how unreasonably demanding Toronto fans are (as opposed to the other 50% of Leaf coverage which mentioned how Leaf fans are gullible patsies who never boo anybody). Everyone now agrees that Murphy got a raw deal in Toronto from dumb fans who didn't recognize a superstar when they saw one.

There's one problem with that storyline: Murphy was absolutely terrible with the Leafs, and he deserved every boo he heard. For whatever reason Murphy never found his game in Toronto, playing the worst hockey of his otherwise excellent career. At the 1997 NHL All-Star game, the league invited Murphy to skate five strides behind all the players during the breakaway competition just so Leaf fans would feel at home.

Redeeming qualities: First ballot hall of famer. Won the Stanley Cup pretty much every year he wasn't playing for the Leafs.

Bryan Marchment (2003-04)

Why we hate him: Probably the dirtiest defenceman of all-time not named "Ulf", Marchment made a name for himself in the early 90s by going after the knees of Leaf players like Peter Zezel, Glenn Anderson and Wendel Clark. That last one turned out to be a mistake, since Clark eventually almost killed him during a brawl.

He ended up playing for the Leafs for a season, which normally is enough to wipe the slate clean. Not for this guy.

Redeeming qualities: Still pees himself whenever he walks by a Wendel Clark poster

Tom Kurvers (1989-91)

Why we hate him: Kurvers was acquired in an infamous deal by GM Floyd Smith that saw the Leafs trade their first round pick in the 1991 draft to the Devils. While most bad deals are only truly awful in hindsight, this trade was immediately labeled a disaster since Smith had apparently forgotten that a.) the Leafs sucked and b.) 1991 was the Eric Lindros draft year.

Once it became apparently that the Leafs had essentially traded the next NHL franchise player for a journeyman defenceman, Smith went into full-on firesale mode to ensure the Leafs would only finish second last. They did, but the Devils still used the pick to draft Scott Niedermayer, which Leaf fans then had to hear about every single time they played the Devils until he was mercifully murdered by Tie Domi in the 2001 playoffs.

Redeeming qualities: Not really his fault that Smith was a moron. Is apparently now a decent up-and-coming hockey executive. Was traded for Brian Bradley, who had a funny helment.

Andy Wozniewski (2005-2008)

Why we hate him: He was really, really bad at hockey. That wouldn't be that big a deal, except for the fact that he somehow wound up playing hockey for the Maple Leafs. Professionally. Which he was bad at.

Seriously, when you're a defenceman for the 2007 Leafs and you're known as "the bad one", you suck.

Redeeming qualities: Gave hope to a generation of children who dreamed of playing in the NHL even though they couldn't skate.

His barber refused to waive
his no-mullet clause

Bryan McCabe (2000-forever)

Why we hate him: After several years as a fan favorite, McCabe's career went off the rails starting with his epic playoff meltdowns against the Flyers. He signed a massive contract in 2006 that included a now infamous no-movement clause, and almost immediately fell apart as a player. His mental lapses have become legendary, and at one point last year his defensive zone coverage was so awful that Paul Maurice briefly considered cutting down his ice time before going back to thinking up funny one-liners for the Toronto media to lap up.

When not scoring into his own net in overtime, Bryan enjoys whining to referees and telling the media that the last place Leafs are a really good team. There is at least a 10% chance that Cliff Fletcher is going to sneak into his house and kill him before training camp.

Redeeming qualities: Can be counted on to always make sure you don't feel so bad about your own haircut.

Jeff Finger (2008-present)

Why we hate him: Signed a four-year, $3.5 million contract during the 2008 off-season, which would be fine except that nobody had ever heard of him. This was the signing that made everyone stare at Fletcher with that "maybe Grampa should move into the assisted living facility" look. It was later revealed that the Leafs may have had him confused with Kurt Sauer. That last line was easily the funniest one in this whole post, which is sad because it's actually true.

Also, his last name resulted in eight million variations of the exact same "Fletcher gives the Finger" jokes in the first 24 hours after he signed, half of which appeared in the Toronto Sun.

Redeeming qualities: Technically hasn't played for the Leafs yet, meaning his reputation will never be better than it is right now.

Defencemen who also received consideration:
Aki Berg (somehow left off my original list), Garth Butcher, Calle Johansson, Pavel Kubina, Drake Berehowsky, Jim Korn

Defencemen who did not receive consideration:
Todd Gill - Look, I know some fans still blame him for the giveaway against the Hawks in 1989. Those fans are idiots, and you should ignore them. Gill was awesome. I'm not going to argue about this.

Goalies

Rare footage of Andrew
Raycroft not being scored on

Andrew Raycroft (2006-08)

Why we hate him: Like a lot of players on this list, Raycroft serves as an enduring testament to moronic reign of John Ferguson Jr. With Ed Belfour on the way out of town, Ferguson decided to deal the organization's top prospect, Tukka Rask, to the Bruins for Raycroft in 2006. The deal seemed sketchy at the time, looked bad during the season and finally assumed full-fledged disaster status as Raycroft floundered.

Raycroft hit rock bottom during the 2007 season finale against the Habs. With a playoff spot on the line, he was pulled after giving up three soft goals and then told the media he was happy with how he'd played. The next year, he engaged in a battle for the starter's job with Vesa Toskala that was roughly as competitive as the Clark-Fetisov fight. He spent the rest of the year sitting on the bench with a baseball cap pulled down to his waist.

Redeeming qualities: Doesn't play for the Leafs anymore.

Scott Clemmensen

Why we hate him: Clemmensen is one of the rare players who've managed to annoy Leaf fans both before and after arriving in Toronto. He first made a name for himself on the final day of the 2006-07 season, when as a New Jersey Devil he had a chance to put the Leafs in the playoffs by beating the Islanders. In a dramatic shootout, Clemmensen chose to debut his patented "stand completely still while everyone scores on you" move, and the Leafs were eliminated.

His demonstrated ability to torpedo the Leafs playoff hopes made him irresistible to John Ferguson Jr, who signed him to a minor league deal that presumably included a no-trade clause. Having already destroyed the Leafs' past, Clemmensen set to work on the future as a Marlie by somehow convincing head coach Greg Gilbert to nail top prospect Justin Pogge to the bench for the entire playoff run.

Redeeming qualities: Appeared in three games for the Leafs, winning one. Which is one whole game more than you or I have won.

Goalies who also received consideration:
Curtis Joseph (now redeemed), Mikhael Tellqvist, Trevor Kidd

Goalies who did not receive consideration:
Allan Bester. Yes, yes, I know, the Momesso goal in 1991. Believe me, I know, I was there. But Bester stood on his head for some truly terrible Leaf teams in the 1980s. He doesn't deserve scorn, he deserves a medal.