The Nightmare Team: The Front Office

Welcome to the third and final installment of the Leafs all-time nightmare squad. We've covered the forwards and the goalies and defence. Now let's meet the men who helped turn those guys into the hopeless losers they were.

What was that note I wrote on my hand?
B-e-n-c-h-m-c-c-a... ah, I'm sure it
wasn't important.

Coach

Paul Maurice (2006-08)

Why we hate him: This was a tough category. The Leafs have had exactly two good coaches since the early 80s: Pat Burns and Pat Quinn. The rest ranged from overmatched to completely hopeless.

So why pick Maurice? Because unlike the other failures, Maurice was supposed to be good. When he was hired, most agreed that the Leafs had made a wise choice. After all, Maurice was young and had already been to the finals with a surprising Hurricanes team in 2002. Unfortunately, nobody bothered to check any of the other seasons on his resume. If Paul Maurice was a singer, he'd be Nena and the 2002 Cup run would be "99 Luftballoons".

Under Maurice, the Leafs were a miserable team that missed the playoffs twice. They were the only team in the league that played a man defensive system, a scheme that Maurice insisted on sticking with even as the Leafs got shelled every night. What's worse, Maurice apparently didn't believe in concepts like accountability, as he allowed the Leafs dressing room to become a country club where whiny veterans like Bryan McCabe and Jason Blake could feel cosy and comfortable even as the losses piled up.

Redeeming qualities: Was respectful of the busy schedules of Leaf fans, ensuring they always made it home from games 30 seconds early by never calling a timeout no matter how desperately the team needed one.

Coaches who also received consideration: Nick Beverley, Doug Carpenter, Mike Murphy, Greg Gilbert

Coaches who did not receive consideration:
John Brophy - Sure, he wasn't a very good NHL coach. And yes, the players all hated him. But Brophy was batshit crazy, loved goon hockey and occasionally wore a derby behind the bench. Also, if I made fun of him he'd probably hunt me down and get Brian Curran to beat me up.

Hey John, do that hilarious impression
of every Leaf fan who had to watch
the teams you built

General Manager

John Ferguson Jr. (2004-08)

Why we hate him: If you really don't know, then allow me to say: Welcome aboard, and I hope you're enjoying your first day as a hockey fan.

Just for fun, let's list all of Ferguson's mistakes. He traded Tuuka Rask for Andrew Raycroft, he signed McCabe to the Contract That Will Not Die, he gave Jason Blake a five year deal, he traded a high pick for Yanic Perrault, he didn't ues buyouts to create cap space after the lockout, he gave no-trade clauses to everyone he ever signed including the cleaning staff, he signed Jason Allison and Alex Khavanov and Calle Johansson and an injured Eddie Belfour and ...

OK, you know what? That was a bad idea. If I try to list everything there's a good chance I'll be left with a 40,000 word post and little bloody stumps where my fingers used to be.

Let's save space and just like all the good things Ferguson did. He picked up solid third-liner Chad Kilger off waivers. He signed Tomas Kaberle to a decent contract. He managed not to get completely bent over on the Vesa Toskala trade. That's it. Three things in almost five years.

And by the way, even though he's been fired and will never work in the NHL again, it will take the Leafs another three of four years to dig out from the weight of his terrible contracts.

Redeeming qualities: Pulmonary circuit converts oxygen into cardon dioxide, which helps trees grow.

GMs who also received consideration:
Floyd Smith, Gerry McNamara, Ken Dryden any time he spoke

GMs who did not receive consideration:
Gord Stellick - If you're a fan of this blog, then I've already convinced you that Russ Courtnall for John Kordic was a good trade. On top of that, Stellick gets points for apparently being the only Harold Ballard employee who ever had the grapefruits to tell the old man to go piss up a rope. And that's pretty impressive, considering he was only 14 at the time.

Die.

President

Richard Peddie (2003-until we rise up as one and slay him)

Why we hate him: Oh lord, where to start? Despite having absolutely no experience in professional sports, Peddie insists on taking hands-on approach to running the Leafs and Raptors. He was the mastermind behind the hirings of John Ferguson and Rob Babcock, and despite his denials he's known to have meddled with roster decisions of both teams. His insistence on staying in the spotlight at all times despite clearly being clueless has made him a running joke among front office folks in two leagues.

While most exectuives would settle for simply being morons, Peddie has demonstrated impressive creativity in finding new and original ways to embarass MLSE. He humiliated Ferguson by calling his hiring a "mistake" when the GM was still employed, somehow making a debacle out of the only known instance of him being right about something. He also became a youtube celebrity thanks to his infamous ventriloquist performance at Cliff Fletcher's press conference.

Richard Peddie is an over-inflated blowhard, an empty suit without a shred of self-awareness, a thin-skinned meddler with no positive qualities beyond his ability to squeeze extra dollars into the hands of his soulless corporate masters, and the Leafs will never win anything as long as he's associated with the team.

Redeeming qualities: None.

A meeting of the Harold Ballard fan club

Owner

Harold Ballard

Why we hate him: While most of the guys mentioned on this page are guilty of being stupid, Ballard was actually evil.

Stories of his legendary greed have been well-documented. This is the guy who turned off the water taps at MLG during a heat wave, incinerated Foster Hewitt's gondola, and included his ugly dog in team photographs. After driving most of the team's star players out of town by the early 80s, Ballard ensured the team was awful every year until he finally died in 1990.

Tradition has it that once a year on Halloween he pushes aside the door to his crypt, crawls out into the moonlit night, shuffles down the side streets of Toronto eating stray kittens, and meets with Richard Peddie to give him management advice.

Redeeming qualities: Eventually died and went to hell, where Satan's minions refer to him as "kind of an asshole".

Owners and presidents who also received consideration: Larry Tannenbaum, Donald Crump, Donald Giffin, Bell Globemedia, the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan

Owners and presidents who did not receive consideration:
Steve Stavro, by default. He was pretty much the only person to ever run the Leafs who didn't have his head planted firmly in his own ass.

That concludes our celebration of the most-hated Leafs of all time. I am going to go lay down in traffic now.

The Nightmare Team: Forwards

We continue our trip down miserable memory lane with the Leafs least-loved forwards. If you missed part one, be sure to check out our list of defence and goalies. Part three, the front office, can be found here.

Forwards

This is not a photograph. It's an
actual video clip of Allison skating
as fast as he can.

Jason Allison (2005-06)

Why we hate him: Allison was one of those signings that symbolized the post-lockout vision of John Ferguson Jr., who went for big and slow when everyone else in the NHL was going for speed and skill. He looked brutal in the NHL's first ever shootout against Ottawa on opening night, coming in so slowly that the zamboni had to come out to reflood the ice half way through his shot. Yes, that's right, Leaf fans actually turned on a player after one game.

Like every other player ever acquired by Ferguson, Allison spent one year with the Leafs and then never played in the NHL again.

Redeeming qualities: He was actually pretty productive, with 60 points in 66 games. He had an incentive-laden deal and would have earned a big bonus, but he hurt himself at the end of the year jumping into a fight to help a teammate, something no Leaf has done since.

Glenn Anderson (1991-94)

Why we hate him: Anderson was part of the big Grant Fuhr trade the kicked off the Fletcher era for the Leafs in 1991. He quickly settled into a spot on the first line and was reasonably productive. But he'll be forever remembered for taking probably the worst penalty in Leafs history, when he drilled Rob Blake into the end boards Target ad with seconds left in regulation of game six against the Kings.

That earned him a seat in the penalty box, where had a good view of the infamous Kerry Fraser whistle-choke and Gretzky's game-winning goal. It's been empirically proven that The Penalty changed the course of human history and cost the Leafs multiple Stanley Cups.

Fun bonus fact: It was the only body check Anderson threw in his entire career.

Redeeming qualities: Scored the OT winner in game five against the Kings. Should probably be in the Hall of Fame. Was dealt for Mike Gartner in arguably the greatest moustache-for-moustache trade of all time.

Dmitri Khristich (1999-00)

Why we hate him: After winning the lottery in an arbitration hearing against the Bruins, Khristich was traded to the Maple Leafs for a draft pick in 1999. He turned out to be injury-prone, bad in the dressing room, and not very good at playing hockey. Other than that, the move worked out really well.

Redeeming qualities: Was dealt to the Caps for a mid-round pick that turned out to be Brendan Bell, which years later would allow the Leafs to briefly re-acquire Yanic Perrault for the seventeenth time.

He'll be played in the
movie by Ian Ziering.

Mike Craig (1994-97)

Why we hate him: Craig was signed as a restricted free agent back when the league had a complicated compensation system. The Stars asked for Kenny Jonsson, which would have been a disaster because then Fletcher couldn't have made the Jonsson/Clark/ Schneider/Luongo trade and Damien Cox would have had nothing to write about for ten years.

The arbitrator ended up choosing the Leafs offer, which still cost them the best checking center they ever had in Peter Zezel, not to mention future welterweight Grant Marshall. Coming off back-to-back appearances in the conference finals, this move was the first dent in Cliff Fletcher's aura of invincibility.

Redeeming qualities: Was rocking a sweet perm.

Benoit Hogue (1995-96)

Why we hate him: After three straight 30+ goal season, the Leafs traded for Hogue in time for the 1995 playoffs. But Hogue went all Senator-ish on us, being held pointless during a seven-game loss to the Hawks. The Leafs wouldn't win another playoff series for four years.

Redeeming qualities: Was eventually traded for Dave Gagner, which is notable because absolutely nobody actually remembers he once played for the Leafs.

Owen Nolan (2003-04)

Why we hate him: Nolan cost the Leafs a freaking ransom when he came over from the Sharks at the 2003 deadline, including future captain Alyn McCauley, Brad Boyes and a first round pick. That investment got the Leafs a grand total of zero goals and two assists in a first-round playoff loss to the Flyers. In 2003-04 Nolan had an unproductive regular season and then hurt his knee and missed the entire playoff run.

During the lockout it was revealed that Nolan has a unique clause in his contract that would see him get paid even if the entire season was cancelled. This clause, and his lingering knee injury, lead to a lengthy courtroom battle with the Leafs over how much the club owed him. They eventually settled, with rumors of a big payout for Nolan.

Redeeming qualities: Dropped the infamous "boo hoo" bomb on the Senators after the Flu Game, a moment that still drives Ottawa fans crazy.

Robert Reichel (2001-04)

Why we hate him: Reichel had been playing in Europe for two years when the Leafs decided to trade for his rights. The deal with the Coyotes cost the Leafs defenceman Danny Markov, who was rumored to be an alcoholic, was certifiably insane and happened to be completely awesome.

Like absolutely every other forward acquired by the Leafs via trade in the past ten years, Reichel was terrible. His most impressive stat was probably his grand total of two goals scored in 37 playoff games for the Leafs. He was probably best known for scoring the shootout goal that beat Canada in the 1998 Nagano Olympics. When its a big game, you can always count on Reichel to help make sure the team wearing the maple leaf loses.

Redeeming qualities: During the 2002 playoff run, he was memorably removed from a game against the Islanders before the opening faceoff after the Leafs submitted an incorrect lineup card. That turned out to be the best game he ever played as a Leaf.

Raise your hand if you want to play
with a guy who's ten times better
than you

Jonas Hoglund (1999-03)

Why we hate him: Hoglund was a cheap free agent signing in 1999 who had a productive stint with the Leafs, including a 29 goal season on 1999-00. Unfortunately for him, he wound up spending a lot of time on Mats Sundin's line, which means Leaf fans hate him. Let me explain.

One of the enduring legacies of Sundin's time in Toronto is the accepted fact that he never had any good linemates to play with. And its absolutely true (as long as you ignore Mogilny, Roberts, Gartner, Gilmour, Clark, Andreychuk, etc). And somehow along the way, Jonas Hoglund became the poster child for crappy Sundin linemates.

If you want to have fun with a Leaf fan, try this: casually mention the word "Sundin" and "linemates" in the same sentence, and time how long they can last before starting to complain about Jonas Hoglund. The current record is seven seconds.

Redeeming qualities: Had the exact same smug look on his face in every photo of him ever taken.

Jason Blake (2007 - present)

Why we hate him: In yet another moment of Ferguson brilliance, Blake signed a ridiculous contract as a free agent and was pencilled into a first line spot next to Mats Sundin. Then he found out he had cancer. Then Leaf fans found out he had no hands.

Blake spent all of last season firing weak wrist shots into goalies' chests from 40 feet out. He seems to have lost several steps and is clearly on the downside of what was already a pretty average career. Did I mention he's under contract for four more years, at which point he'll be 38?

Redeeming qualities: It's tough to hate a guy with cancer. Tough, but not impossible.

Shayne Corson (2000-03)

Why we hate him: Literally abandoned the team during the 2003 playoffs, citing mysterious medical issues. Once was suspended for a game seven for trying to kick somebody in the head. His sister was married to Darcy Tucker, which was probably just awkward.

Redeeming qualities: His departure from the team may have been due to legitimate anxiety disorder. Also, kicking somebody in the head during a hockey fight is kind of funny when you think about it.

Kyle Wellwood (2004-2008)

Why we hate him: He showed flashes of brilliance as a rookie, confusing Leaf fans who didn't remember what a "prospect" was. Then he got hurt. Then he got lazy. Then he got fat. Then he let somebody take this photo. The end.

Because this is the Leafs, Wellwood is virtually guaranteed to light it up in Vancouver and haunt Toronto for years a la Steve Sullivan.

Redeeming qualities: Makes an adorable giggling sound when you poke him in the stomach.

Forwards who also received consideration:
Sergio Momesso, Jeff O'Neill, Marius Czerkawski, Jamie Baker, Nathan Perrot, Mike Krushelnyski

Forwards who did not receive consideration:
Eric Lindros - Yes, he was another Ferguson failure. But Lindros gets a pass because there's no question that he always wanted to be a Leaf, and even took a hometown discount to do it. Besides, I don't believe in kicking a guy when he's down. And as hockey fans have come to learn, Eric Lindros is always down.

(To those of you paying attention: Yes, that's only 11 forwards. Let's just say we're keeping a spot open on the first line for a certain indecisive Swede.)

The Nightmare Team: Defence and goalies

(This is part one of a three-part series. You can find part two, the forwards, right here. Part three, the front office, is here.)

Leafs blogger General Borschevsky recently unveiled his all-time Leafs dream team. And while its always nice to think back to the good times, my readers know that I sometimes have a little trouble staying positive when it comes to the Leafs.

So I got to thinking, what about the other side of the coin? What about those Leafs that we all loved to hate? Or, in some cases, just plain hated?

I humbly present my selections for the all-time Leaf loser squad: the players we'd all rather forget. As always, this list includes players from my roughly 25 years as a fan. Sadly, it wasn't very difficult to come up with a full roster.

Today, we'll focus on the defencemen and goalies.

Defence

BOOOOOOOOO!

Larry Murphy (1995-97)

Why we hate him: Murphy is the poster child for Leaf fan whipping boys. He's used as an example in the 50% of Leafs coverage that mentions how unreasonably demanding Toronto fans are (as opposed to the other 50% of Leaf coverage which mentioned how Leaf fans are gullible patsies who never boo anybody). Everyone now agrees that Murphy got a raw deal in Toronto from dumb fans who didn't recognize a superstar when they saw one.

There's one problem with that storyline: Murphy was absolutely terrible with the Leafs, and he deserved every boo he heard. For whatever reason Murphy never found his game in Toronto, playing the worst hockey of his otherwise excellent career. At the 1997 NHL All-Star game, the league invited Murphy to skate five strides behind all the players during the breakaway competition just so Leaf fans would feel at home.

Redeeming qualities: First ballot hall of famer. Won the Stanley Cup pretty much every year he wasn't playing for the Leafs.

Bryan Marchment (2003-04)

Why we hate him: Probably the dirtiest defenceman of all-time not named "Ulf", Marchment made a name for himself in the early 90s by going after the knees of Leaf players like Peter Zezel, Glenn Anderson and Wendel Clark. That last one turned out to be a mistake, since Clark eventually almost killed him during a brawl.

He ended up playing for the Leafs for a season, which normally is enough to wipe the slate clean. Not for this guy.

Redeeming qualities: Still pees himself whenever he walks by a Wendel Clark poster

Tom Kurvers (1989-91)

Why we hate him: Kurvers was acquired in an infamous deal by GM Floyd Smith that saw the Leafs trade their first round pick in the 1991 draft to the Devils. While most bad deals are only truly awful in hindsight, this trade was immediately labeled a disaster since Smith had apparently forgotten that a.) the Leafs sucked and b.) 1991 was the Eric Lindros draft year.

Once it became apparently that the Leafs had essentially traded the next NHL franchise player for a journeyman defenceman, Smith went into full-on firesale mode to ensure the Leafs would only finish second last. They did, but the Devils still used the pick to draft Scott Niedermayer, which Leaf fans then had to hear about every single time they played the Devils until he was mercifully murdered by Tie Domi in the 2001 playoffs.

Redeeming qualities: Not really his fault that Smith was a moron. Is apparently now a decent up-and-coming hockey executive. Was traded for Brian Bradley, who had a funny helment.

Andy Wozniewski (2005-2008)

Why we hate him: He was really, really bad at hockey. That wouldn't be that big a deal, except for the fact that he somehow wound up playing hockey for the Maple Leafs. Professionally. Which he was bad at.

Seriously, when you're a defenceman for the 2007 Leafs and you're known as "the bad one", you suck.

Redeeming qualities: Gave hope to a generation of children who dreamed of playing in the NHL even though they couldn't skate.

His barber refused to waive
his no-mullet clause

Bryan McCabe (2000-forever)

Why we hate him: After several years as a fan favorite, McCabe's career went off the rails starting with his epic playoff meltdowns against the Flyers. He signed a massive contract in 2006 that included a now infamous no-movement clause, and almost immediately fell apart as a player. His mental lapses have become legendary, and at one point last year his defensive zone coverage was so awful that Paul Maurice briefly considered cutting down his ice time before going back to thinking up funny one-liners for the Toronto media to lap up.

When not scoring into his own net in overtime, Bryan enjoys whining to referees and telling the media that the last place Leafs are a really good team. There is at least a 10% chance that Cliff Fletcher is going to sneak into his house and kill him before training camp.

Redeeming qualities: Can be counted on to always make sure you don't feel so bad about your own haircut.

Jeff Finger (2008-present)

Why we hate him: Signed a four-year, $3.5 million contract during the 2008 off-season, which would be fine except that nobody had ever heard of him. This was the signing that made everyone stare at Fletcher with that "maybe Grampa should move into the assisted living facility" look. It was later revealed that the Leafs may have had him confused with Kurt Sauer. That last line was easily the funniest one in this whole post, which is sad because it's actually true.

Also, his last name resulted in eight million variations of the exact same "Fletcher gives the Finger" jokes in the first 24 hours after he signed, half of which appeared in the Toronto Sun.

Redeeming qualities: Technically hasn't played for the Leafs yet, meaning his reputation will never be better than it is right now.

Defencemen who also received consideration:
Aki Berg (somehow left off my original list), Garth Butcher, Calle Johansson, Pavel Kubina, Drake Berehowsky, Jim Korn

Defencemen who did not receive consideration:
Todd Gill - Look, I know some fans still blame him for the giveaway against the Hawks in 1989. Those fans are idiots, and you should ignore them. Gill was awesome. I'm not going to argue about this.

Goalies

Rare footage of Andrew
Raycroft not being scored on

Andrew Raycroft (2006-08)

Why we hate him: Like a lot of players on this list, Raycroft serves as an enduring testament to moronic reign of John Ferguson Jr. With Ed Belfour on the way out of town, Ferguson decided to deal the organization's top prospect, Tukka Rask, to the Bruins for Raycroft in 2006. The deal seemed sketchy at the time, looked bad during the season and finally assumed full-fledged disaster status as Raycroft floundered.

Raycroft hit rock bottom during the 2007 season finale against the Habs. With a playoff spot on the line, he was pulled after giving up three soft goals and then told the media he was happy with how he'd played. The next year, he engaged in a battle for the starter's job with Vesa Toskala that was roughly as competitive as the Clark-Fetisov fight. He spent the rest of the year sitting on the bench with a baseball cap pulled down to his waist.

Redeeming qualities: Doesn't play for the Leafs anymore.

Scott Clemmensen

Why we hate him: Clemmensen is one of the rare players who've managed to annoy Leaf fans both before and after arriving in Toronto. He first made a name for himself on the final day of the 2006-07 season, when as a New Jersey Devil he had a chance to put the Leafs in the playoffs by beating the Islanders. In a dramatic shootout, Clemmensen chose to debut his patented "stand completely still while everyone scores on you" move, and the Leafs were eliminated.

His demonstrated ability to torpedo the Leafs playoff hopes made him irresistible to John Ferguson Jr, who signed him to a minor league deal that presumably included a no-trade clause. Having already destroyed the Leafs' past, Clemmensen set to work on the future as a Marlie by somehow convincing head coach Greg Gilbert to nail top prospect Justin Pogge to the bench for the entire playoff run.

Redeeming qualities: Appeared in three games for the Leafs, winning one. Which is one whole game more than you or I have won.

Goalies who also received consideration:
Curtis Joseph (now redeemed), Mikhael Tellqvist, Trevor Kidd

Goalies who did not receive consideration:
Allan Bester. Yes, yes, I know, the Momesso goal in 1991. Believe me, I know, I was there. But Bester stood on his head for some truly terrible Leaf teams in the 1980s. He doesn't deserve scorn, he deserves a medal.