What went wrong? Excuses from the NHL's losers

Don't worry kid, they fired the guy who
won the Cup last year but I'm sure you'll
be just fine.

The second round of the NHL playoffs has begun, with eight teams still alive in their quest for a championship.

That's the positive spin that the glass-half-full types will give you. But it's also true that there are 22 teams sitting at home right now. That's almost three quarters of the league, none of whom could manage to win so much as a single playoff round. Losers, every one of them.

And like all losers, they have their excuses. I contacted representatives from the various eliminated teams to ask what happened, and each had an explanation ready. So read on if you've been wondering why your favourite team will be hitting the links this weekend instead of the ice.


Florida Panthers - Not saying that trading away Gregory Campbell was a bad idea, but did find it odd that every single goal we scored all season long was immediately reviewed and waved off.


Phoenix Coyotes - Not trying to make excuses about off-ice distractions, but it's kind of hard to focus when every time you walk in the front door your wife hits you over the head with a snow shovel.


Columbus Blue Jackets - Unlike certain other superstars we could name, Rick Nash is apparently too much of a bigshot to have an identical twin.


Ottawa Senators - Got the distinct impression from Eugene Melnyk that being demonstrably terrible at our jobs was a sure ticket to a contract extension.


Toronto Maple Leafs - Are totally going to remember to set our alarm for October next year instead of sleeping in until February again.


Buffalo Sabres - Struggled on faceoffs during our playoff series with the Flyers, which hurt since there was one at center ice after virtually every shot we took on net.


New Jersey Devils - John Maclean's pre-game team meetings all consisted of him sternly standing cross-armed in front of a chalkboard with "coach's strategy" written on it for an hour, before suddenly turning around and saying "Oh wait, is that me?"


New York Islanders - Same problem your rec floor hockey team had; spent too much time before every game arguing over who's turn it was to play net.


St. Louis Blues - May not have made playoffs, but did make selves feel better by pulling off a late-season blockbuster trade with a team even more hopeless and pathetic than we'll ever be.


Colorado Avalanche - Hey come on, we're standing right here.


Dallas Stars - GM Joe Nieuwendyk's multi-page strategy for winning big games turned out to be nothing but hand-drawn picture of Patrick Lalime with hearts around them.


Los Angeles Kings - Talented but inexperienced star players have not yet learned how to not break their ankles right before the playoffs start.


Edmonton Oilers - What, and ruin a perfectly good draft lottery party?


Anaheim Ducks - Lacked a sense of urgency, since playing with Teemu Selanne every night taught us that we all probably have another 15 or 20 good years left in us.


Carolina Hurricanes - Kept hearing stories about a relocated team finally being returned to the fans in its original city; figured we should lay low for the year.


New York Rangers - Winning is nice and everything, but decided to focus most of our energy on just getting John Tortorella and Larry Brooks to fight.


Pittsburgh Penguins - The loss of Matt Cooke proved devastating, as it turns out other teams play way better when they're conscious.


Montreal Canadiens - We were dominating the Bruins all season long, and then suddenly we just hit a wall. Wait, poor choice of words.


Minnesota Wild - Signed John Madden for the third line under the mistaken impression it was the former Blackhawk defensive forward, but it turned out to be the football commentator trying to get closer to Brett Favre.


Atlanta Thrashers - Do you have any idea how demoralizing it is to realize that you're Winnipeg's second choice?


Calgary Flames - In hindsight, inspirational preseason rallying cry of "Never settle for anything less than being the absolute best team in the province" probably didn't aim high enough.


Chicago Blackhawks - Tried to intimidate Canuck players and fans by constantly referring to ourselves as the reigning Stanley Cup champions, but they just kept staring at us like they had no idea what we were talking about.

A hockey fan's guide to the Super Bowl

Oh look, it's the Stanley Cup's younger,
scrawnier little brother.

After taking some time off for the all-star festivities, the NHL's regular season is back just in time for the weekend. And there will be plenty of action, thanks to a half dozen Friday night games and 11 more on Saturday. There are even three Sunday matinees on the schedule.

And then, nothing. The league has taken Sunday night off.

After some in-depth investigative journalism, I think I've uncovered the reason: apparently there's a football game that night. Presumably, the NHL has decided that it would be rude to overshadow another league's title game, and is allowing the Super Bowl to have the stage to itself.

That's a nice gesture, but it will be jarring for sports fans who binge on hockey all weekend and then have to switch gears. In an attempt to ease the transition, here's a list of some key differences between regular season hockey and the Super Bowl to watch out for.

The Super Bowl: If you see fans wearing cheese on their heads, you'll know that they are fans of the Green Bay Packers.
Regular season hockey: If you see fans with food on their head, you'll know that whoever is throwing waffles at the Maple Leafs that night has a weak arm and poor depth perception.

The Super Bowl: Any coach who wishes to issue a challenge will immediately drop a red flag onto the playing surface.
Regular season hockey: Any goaltender who wishes to issue a challenge will immediately drop Rick DiPietro onto the playing surface.

The Super Bowl: Many players express their unique personalities by growing their hair long, sporting intricate tattoos, and performing choreographed celebrations after big plays.
Regular season hockey: Many players express their unique personalities by choosing a nickname that consists of their last name with the suffix "er", instead of their last name with the suffix "ie".

The Super Bowl: You can buy commercial time, assuming you have a few million dollars sitting around that you'd like to waste on something that will have no discernible impact on your product's success.
Regular season hockey: Unfortunately, Ilya Kovalchuk doesn't hit free agency again until 2025.

Regular season hockey: That thing that takes twenty minutes to complete, plus commercials and breaks for the participants to rest, is called a "period".
The Super Bowl: That thing that takes twenty minutes to complete, plus breaks for the participants to rest, is called "Christina Aguilera singing the national anthem".

The Super Bowl: A pre-game coin flip is held to determine which team gets the ball first.
Regular season hockey: A pre-game coin flip is held to determine which team Mike Murphy will be masterminding a shadowy conspiracy against.

The Super Bowl: Over 5,000 accredited media members from around the world will cover the game.
Regular season hockey: No single game would ever attract that many reporters, as doing so would divert valuable resources from around-the-clock trade deadline coverage.

The Super Bowl: Expect to see thousands of towels being waved madly by diehard Steeler fans throughout the game.
Regular season hockey: Expect to see dozens of towels being thrown in by the Ottawa Senators during the opening shift.

The Super Bowl: The only thing we can say for sure is that when the final whistle blows, we'll be left with one winner and one loser.
Regular season hockey: There's a decent chance the game will end with one winner and one tie.

The Super Bowl: Expect to hear plenty of references to ex-Packer Brett Favre, the former superstar who embarrassed himself with one too many comeback attempts and eventually became a running joke in the sports world.
Regular season hockey: Thankfully, it's been years since Peter Forsberg… wait, he's what? You're kidding. Good lord, please say you're kidding.

The Super Bowl: If you see a player jump into the first row of the stands, it's because he's a Green Bay Packer and has just scored a touchdown.
Regular season hockey: If you see a player jump into the first row of the stands, it's because he didn't really appreciate that fan's most recent reference to his mother.

The Super Bowl: Pittsburgh is known for being involved in games that feature violent head shots, which are immediately followed by swift and severe sanctions from the league in an effort to reduce concussions.
Regular season hockey: Pittsburgh is known for being involved in games that feature violent head shots.

Mats Sundin vs. Brett Favre: One is worse

As the Mats Sundin watch appears to near an end (update: or maybe not) after four agonizing months, the (apparently former) Leafs captain finds himself with some company. After perfecting the art of playing the extended game of will-he-won't-he spotlight grabbing, Sundin is suddenly being upstaged by the NFL's Brett Favre.

The similiarities between Sundin and Favre are numerous:

• Both guys are icons in their cities, arguably the best player their team has ever had, and heroes to thousands. Both are respected by fellow players, the media, and even by fans of other teams.
  
  
• Both guys have spent the summer playing a game of "should I stay or should I go" that's essentially handcuffed their current teams attempt's to build for the future.
  
  
• Both guys have at least hinted that at least part of the problem is that their teams didn't make them feel wanted enough -- Favre because the Packers didn't try harder to talk him out of retiring, and Sundin because the Leafs considered trading him at the deadline.
  
  
• Both guys have previously claimed that they would never want to play anywhere else, claims that have turned out not to be true. In fact, both guys have even been eyeing spots with their current team's biggest rival, moves that could only be described as betrayal.
  

But despite the similarities, the cases are not identical. And on the blame scale, they're not equal. In fact, one guy's act is far worse than the other's.

Brett Favre is behaving worse than Mats Sundin.

Here's why:

• Sundin never committed to anything, at least on paper. You could argue that Sundin owed the Leafs and their fans much better treatment than he's given him (and I've argued that several times). His refusal to waive his no-trade clause, followed by his (apparent) willingness to sign with the highest bidder, have been frustrating and have tarnished his legacy.
  
  But Sundin hasn't done anything he didn't have the right to do, and he never made a firm commitment to the Leafs that he'd do otherwise. Favre, on the other hand, did make a written commitment to the Packers when he filed his retirement papers. He wants to go back on that now, and that makes his situation a different ballgame from Sundin.
  
  
• Sundin isn't playing the PR game. While Sundin's silence over the months has been maddening, its certainly been preferably to Favre's recent PR blitz that saw him doing whiny interviews with Greta Van Susteren of all people. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt, right Brett?
  
  
• Favre's act is impacting a Packers team that came within an overtime loss of the Super Bowl last year, and who are following a long-planned rebuilding blueprint around young QB Aaron Rodgers. In short, the Packers have a good thing going and Favre seems to want to make as big a mess as he can until he gets his way. Sundin is leaving behind a situation in Toronto that could best be described as depressing, and could be called a complete disaster.
  
  True, the Leafs would be in better shape if Sundin had just waived in the first place, and it could also be argued that the Canucks aren't much better. But Packer fans may end up pointing to the Favre fiasco as one that derailed a championship contender. Leafs fans, um, won't.

A final observation: while the hockey media loves to praise Sundin and has taken every opportunity to point out how unfair Leaf fans like me have been treating him, we can't hold a candle to how many NFL fans are carving up Favre right now. He certainly has his supporters, but the majority of fans and media are lining up to take their shots right now. Sundin gets the occasional wrist slaps from blogs like mine; Favre gets treatment like this and this and this.

If any good comes out of this mess, maybe we'll finally see the death of the myth of Tornto being such a tough place to play. Brett Favre wishes he had it so bad.