What was the worst draft lottery loss of all-time?

Connor McDavid’s recent injury was a devastating blow to both his Calder chances and the Oilers already shaky playoff hopes. It also hit the pause button on his rookie rivalry with Jack Eichel, temporarily shutting down a storyline that figured to be one of the season’s best. After all, those two players will be forever linked by hype, circumstance, and, of course, those four ping pong balls that determined their futures.

That would be the April draft lottery, one that saw the Oilers leap past the last place Sabres for the top overall pick. With McDavid ranked as the consensus number one, that moment felt like a brutal loss for the Sabres, a perception that was only reinforced by their own GM. (Not everyone sees it that way; many Sabres fans insist they were just fine with getting either player all along. These people are crazy, but they’ll burn my house down if I don’t mention them.)

While McDavid’s injury puts the Eichel comparison on hold, it does lead to a fun question: Which draft lottery loss was the most painful in league history? Which last place team took the worst hit by dropping down to number two?

The NHL introduced the draft lottery in 1995. Not counting last year, that leaves us with an even ten instances where a team has “lost” the lottery, which we’ll define as the last place overall team getting passed over for the top pick. (So we’re not counting 1995, 1999 or 2011, when the winning team didn’t move up to first.) With the benefit of some hindsight, we can look back at the teams involved, the eventual top pick, and the player who fell to number two, and try to figure out which loss hurt the most.

We’ll work our way down from best to worst. And we’ll start in 1998, the first time the lottery ever resulted in the top pick changing hands… sort of.

#10 - 1998

Last place team: Tampa Bay Lightning

Lottery winning team: San Jose Sharks, by virtue of owning the Florida Panthers’ pick

First overall pick: Vincent Lecavalier

How much did it hurt?: This is the easiest call on the list, because it didn’t hurt at all. Literally. It had no impact on anything, as you may already suspect if you’re thinking “Uh, I don’t remember Lecavalier being drafted by the Sharks.”

That’s because the last place Lightning went into the lottery with an insurance policy in their back pocket. At that year’s deadline, they’d traded Bryan Marchment and David Shaw to San Jose for Andrei Nazarov, and convinced the Sharks to toss in a sweetener: the right to swap their first round pick for the Panthers’, which San Jose had acquired earlier in the season. With the Lightning well back of the Panthers in the standings, the swap option wouldn’t matter… unless Florida won the lottery.

They did, and the Lightning moved back up to first. The Sharks got the second pick, flipped it to Nashville (who took David Legwand), and ended up getting Brad Stuart third overall. And Lecavalier headed to Tampa Bay to become “the Michael Jordan of hockey”.

#9 – 2000

Last place team: Atlanta Thrashers

Lottery winning team: New York Islanders

First overall pick: Rick DiPietro

How much did it hurt?: A ton – for the Islanders. It’s not often that you can use the phrases “disastrous lottery win”, but such was the Mike Milbury era. The Isles jumped from fifth to first and did a jig about it, then used the top pick on DiPietro. It’s fair to say it didn’t work out. Not only did DiPietro eventually get one of the worst contracts (and later one of the most expensive buyouts) in NHL history, but the Islanders made room for him by trading a young Roberto Luongo to Florida.

Meanwhile, the Thrashers dropped down to the second pick and wound up with Dany Heatley, who they probably would have taken anyway. And Atlanta even got some karmic payback against the Islanders the following year, which we’ll get to further down this list.

>> Read the full post on ESPN.com

Free agency preview

Honestly, I don't even have a joke here.

While the opening of free agency has historically been one of the most important days on the NHL calendar, it's diminished somewhat in recent years. As teams got accustomed to life in a salary cap world, fewer and fewer marquee players have made it to unrestricted free agency and the day has started to lose some of its lustre.

But that trend may not hold this year, thanks to a salary cap that will drop for the first time in history. With cap space harder to come by, some teams have had to make the tough decisions to let players explore free agency. Mix in a handful of victims of compliance buyouts, and the list of available players suddenly doesn't seem so bad.

Here's a look at some of the top players who'll be available to the highest bidder on Friday.

Vincent Lecavalier - Is a player that every NHL owner would love to have chance to meet with in person, in most cases because they'd like to borrow money from him.

Tyler Bozak - Will probably proofread his contract offers very carefully to make sure he avoids any careless mistakes, like looking at a number three and for some reason fooling yourself into thinking it's somehow a number one.

Ilya Bryzgalov - Has spent the last week holed up in his home office loudly yelling about how many years could be available and how high the numbers might go, which is weird because he doesn't have a phone in there and hasn't been told he's a free agent and also his "office" is a castle he made out of lego.

Nathan Horton - Teams are said to be concerned about reports that his recurring dislocated shoulder is such a complete and irredeemable mess that Tyler Seguin recently moved into it.

Read the rest of this post...

Other hidden NHL injuries revealed

Marchand and Ference star in a scene from the
summer's hilarious new comedy, Weekend At Bergie's.

The NHL playoffs have ended, which means everyone can start coming clean about all the injuries they've been hiding. After months of "upper body" this and "lower body" that, fans finally get to learn the real truth behind the injuries that were hampering certain players.

One player making headlines because of an injury revelation is Patrice Bergeron of the Boston Bruins. We already knew that he was playing through a separated shoulder, damaged cartilage and a broken rib during the Stanley Cup Final. On Wednesday we learned that he'd also been admitted to a local hospital with a small hole in his lung.

While Bergeron is an extreme case, he's far from the only one in the hockey world who's been hiding a health problem. Here are some of the other NHL players and personalities who've recently revealed the injuries they've been suffering from:

Jarome Iginla - Probably has a badly injured foot, neighbors say, since he's constantly speeding down the street in his Delorean then jumping out and kicking the fender while yelling "Take me back to the trade deadline, damn you!"

Roberto Luongo - Has been suffering from a severe blister on the finger he uses to hit refresh on his Google search for "Did I get bought out yet"?

Greg Sherman - Admits to dealing with some frost bite during the last month spent scouting rec players at outdoor games in Iceland, but hey, if this trip wasn't super important then Joe Sakic and Patrick Roy wouldn't have sent the general manager to handle it, right?

Sidney Crosby - Must have had some sort of relapse and had to have his jaw rewired shut, based on how he clenches his teeth and just stares at you silently when you ask him if he thinks the Penguins can win another Cup with Marc-Andre Fleury in net.

Read the rest of this post...

Inside Gary Bettman's annual Halloween party

It's clearly not a post-season
pumpkin, since it has a flame in it.

Scene: Last night, in a spacious home in New York. Halloween-themed music plays, as various hockey personalities wander around in costume.

The doorbell rings, and is answered by a man dressed as a zombie wearing an Atlanta Thrashers jersey.

Gary Bettman: Glad you could make it, come on in.

A man wearing an old-fashioned executioner's hood walks in.

Brendan Shanahan: Hi Gary… how's the party coming this year?

Bettman: Can't complain. A little crowded, but I guess you have to expect that when you invite the whole league.

Shanahan: You invited everybody in the entire NHL to your Halloween party?

Bettman: Well, except for Raffi Torres.

Shanahan: Good call.

Read the rest of this post...

A Jets fan's guide to how the NHL has changed since 1996

Of course back then, you just held
down the "neutral zone trap" button
until the game ended 0-0.

The Jets have apparently been cleared for take off. While nobody can seem to agree on exactly when the formal announcement will take place, it's all but certain that NHL hockey will be returning to Winnipeg next season when the Atlanta Thrashers move north.

No matter what you think about the viability of hockey in Atlanta, you have to be happy for long-suffering Winnipeg hockey fans. They never gave up on the NHL, even after the devastation of losing their beloved Jets at the end of the 1995-96 season. Fifteen long years later, their loyalty is about to be rewarded.

But while Winnipeg hockey fans have every reason to be excited, they may be in for a shock. After all, the NHL is a very different league today than it was the last time the Jets were on the ice. Winnipeg fans are in for a major adjustment.

I want to help. So as a service to Winnipeg-based readers, here's a handy guide to the various ways the league has changed since the last time you pulled on your Jets jersey and went to a game.

1996 - The Atlanta Thrashers don't exist yet.
2011 - The Atlanta Thrashers don't exist any more.

1996 - Claude Lemieux earns the contempt of the entire hockey world after driving Kris Draper face first into the boards during the Western Conference Finals.
2011 - Since the play didn't involve a leaping elbow to the head or somebody eating a metal stanchion, it would probably result in Lemieux winning the Lady Byng.

1996 - Goaltender Grant Fuhr sets a new league record by playing in a total of 79 games.
2011 - Goaltender Rick DiPietro sets a new personal record by playing for a total of 79 minutes.

Read the rest of this post...

Here's to the losers: Remembering the 2010-11 also-rans

Fact: Statisticians now count every goal
against Khabibulin as an empty-net goal.

We're into the final week of the NHL's marathon regular season. After six long months and over 1,000 games, the finish line is finally within sight and the playoffs are just days away.

Many teams are still fighting tooth and nail for the few remaining postseason spots. Others are struggling to improve their playoff seeding. A fortunate few are already locked into a spot at the top of the standings, and are focused on staying healthy over the season's final days in anticipation of long playoff runs.

And then, there are the sad sack teams with nothing to play for. The also-rans. The basement dwellers. This year brought us five teams that never managed so much as a meaningful late-season game. For fans of those teams, their only intrigue to the season came from calculating their odds for the draft lottery.

Those teams are all but forgotten now, but that's not fair. So before we move on to our post-season previews and playoff pools, let's take one last look back at the five teams who brought so much joy to the rest of the league by spending their season getting stomped every night.

Edmonton Oilers
Where it all went wrong: The team's talented rookie forwards were clearly overconfident, partly due to youth and inexperience but mostly due to shooting on Nikolai Khabibulin in practice every day.
Reason for optimism: Have plenty of cap room to sign free agents, which is great since that always works out really well for them.
Future outlook: Their embarrassing streak of being the sixth best team in all of Canada will almost certainly come to an end next year, once the Coyotes move to Winnipeg.

New York Islanders
Where it all went wrong: The season got off to a rough start when the team revealed their plan to ice a roster consisting entirely of New York Islanders.
Reason for optimism: Team doctors are optimistic that injured star goaltender Rick DiPietro can recover in time to get hurt in next year's season opener.
Future outlook: The team is on the right track and the future is bright, you think, if you want to keep your press pass.

Colorado Avalanche
Where it all went wrong: While it was only natural to look for a scapegoat after last year's disappointing playoff loss to the Sharks, it was probably a bad idea to fire the guy in charge of reminding the players not to get injured all the time.
Reason for optimism: Even through the tough times, the team's young players have stuck together. For example, just the other night they all told Paul Stastny to go out there and break a leg, and… hey wait guys, he does know that's a figure of speech, right?
Future outlook: Will need to regroup quickly if they want to be ready for Peter Forsberg's next comeback.

Florida Panthers
Where it all went wrong: It hasn't; the 20-year rebuilding plan is proceeding exactly according to schedule.
Reason for optimism: Should finish around .500 next year, assuming the NHL adopts their "get one point for a regulation loss, too" proposal.
Future outlook: Their offseason will begin in just five more days, according to that giant calendar hanging in Tomas Vokoun's locker right above his packed suitcase.

Ottawa Senators
Where it all went wrong: In hindsight, Cory Clouston's plea to the players to treat every game like a playoff game was a bad idea.
Reason for optimism: Newly acquired Craig Anderson has established himself as the best goaltender in recent franchise history, since he seems to remember which direction to face without his defencemen constantly reminding him.
Future outlook: Most experts agree with owner Eugene Melnyk's recent prediction that the team can return to contention quickly, in that sense that in an infinite universe seven or eight years isn't really all that long.

The pros and cons of fighting in the NHL

Kill him! But, uh, you know, don't hurt him.

The debate over fighting has returned to NHL circles. And if you're a fan of the occasional scrap, you probably didn't have a very good week.

Players like Rick DiPietro, Colton Orr and Derek Boogaard are still on the sidelines due to serious injuries suffered in fights. Then word came last week that the late Bob Probert was suffering from a degenerative brain disease believed to be caused by repeated head trauma. Before fans could fully absorb that news, Edmonton Oilers' number one overall draft pick Taylor Hall had his rookie season ended by an ankle injury suffered in his first career fight.

So here we go again. It seems that the fighting debate has been raging for decades. And while it's lead to hours of heated rhetoric, there's little evidence of anyone ever actually changing their mind.

But maybe that can change. I've spoken to experts on both sides of the issue, and I've captured their best arguments below. For the first time, here are both sides of hockey's greatest debate presented side-by-side. Maybe, just maybe, we can settle this once and for all.

Pro-fighting: Banning fighting would eliminate the chance of a fight between Matt Cooke and Sean Avery that the linesmen could just "forget" to break up.

Anti-fighting: Fights are nothing more than quasi-exciting but ultimately demeaning sideshows that don't showcase any actual hockey skills and have no place in the game, and these days we have the shootout for that.

Pro-fighting: Without the threat of fighting, noble enforcers like Jody Shelley and Trevor Gillies would be unable to protect their teammates from despicable cheap-shot artists like Jody Shelley and Trevor Gillies.

Anti-fighting: Let's face it, nobody really likes having fighting in the game except for ignorant know-nothings like fans, most general managers and coaches, and virtually every single player.

Pro-fighting: Getting rid of fighting would just result in every episode of Coach's Corner being nothing more than a seven-minute diatribe about no-touch icing,

Anti-fighting: If punching somebody in the face at a hockey game is outlawed, only outlaws will punch somebody in the face at a hockey game. And Flyer fans. Actually, mostly Flyer fans.

Pro-fighting: If we just hold off on doing anything to address the rapidly growing list of players lost to concussions for another year or two, all of us will eventually get to play in the NHL for a few games.

Anti-fighting: Mike Milbury has historically been pro-fighting.

Pro-fighting: Wait, Mike Milbury is now apparently anti-fighting.

Anti-fighting: Fighting is an outdated concept that may have made sense for previous generations but has no place in the modern game, like goalies playing without masks or an NHL team in Winnipeg.

Pro-fighting: The inability to regularly write simplistic and condescending anti-fighting columns could spell the end of the already struggling newspaper industry.

Anti-fighting: Studies have shown that a total ban on fighting would increase hockey viewership by 20% in the southern United States, because Tom says he's pretty sure he'd start watching.

Pro-fighting: Hey, remember when they had fighting in NHL 93 and then they took it out for NHL 94? Which one did you like better? Exactly.

Anti-fighting: In addition to being overpaid and overrated based on last year's Cup run, Niemi is known to snore loudly on team flights and often plays bad Finnish pop music on the Sharks' team stereo. (Editor's note: Wait, sorry, this should have been listed as an "Antti fighting" argument.)

Pro-fighting: Players engaging in fights face the possibility of devastating injury and even long-term disability, which is a risk that I as a fan sitting in my easy chair have decided I am willing to accept.

Anti-fighting: Eliminating fighting would send a strong message to impressionable children that settling a dispute by knocking somebody unconscious with your fists is unacceptable; instead, use your rock solid shoulder pad like a gentleman would.

A brief history of hockey brawls

This camera must have had
a hell of a shutter speed.

Seen any good fights lately?

Probably. In recent weeks we've watched Brent Johnson knockout fellow goaltender Rick DiPietro with a single punch. Boston and Dallas started a game with three separate fights in four seconds. Then the Bruins and Canadiens brawled, including another goalie scrap. And then the biggest explosion of all, at least so far, as the Islanders and Penguins rematch resulted in 346 penalty minutes, 23 games worth of suspensions, several injuries and a fine to the Islanders' organization.

So let the hand-wringing begin. But the league and its fans has been down this road before. And in fact, this latest round of incidents is only the latest in a long history of fights, brawls and general mayhem.

So join me in a nostalgic look back at some other well-known hockey brawls. You know, or else I'll punch you in the head.

March 5, 2004 - The Senators and Flyers combine for a league record 419 PIM after a series of fights are touched off by an argument over which franchise will destroy the careers of the most goaltenders during the rest of the decade.

October 2, 2008 - After the fifth different altercation to feature a player viciously attacking Sean Avery, the Dallas Stars coaching staff decides to just cancel rest of the practice and try again tomorrow.

April 20, 1984 - The Canadiens and Nordiques combine for over 250 penalty minutes and 10 ejections in a game that comes to be known as "la bataille du Vendredi saint" or, in English, "pretty standard for a game between Quebec and Montreal".

March 4, 2003 - An enraged Darcy Tucker dives into the Ottawa bench and remains there for several seconds, inadvertently becoming the third longest serving coach in Senators' history.

1982 to 1993, inclusive - In an extended incident that most hockey historians will later describe as "maybe a bit excessive", every single player in the Norris Division is involved in a spirited fight with every single other player at all times for twelve straight years, with the exception of Steve Yzerman.

March 15, 2006 - Chris Pronger is ejected from the game after a rampage that leaves seven players facing career-threatening injuries, which is unfortunate since it was a spring-training game between the Baltimore Orioles and Kansas City Royals.

October 4, 2007 - A rare goalie fight during an intrasquad scrimmage leaves Andrew Raycroft and Vesa Toskala facing significant injuries and lengthy suspensions, every Leaf fan really wishes in hindsight.

February 18, 1992 - Towards the end of a wild bench-clearing brawl involving such enforcers as Rob Ray, Brad May, Gord Donnelly, Jay Wells and Brad Miller, the Buffalo Sabres sheepishly begin to realize that the Hartford Whalers left two hours ago and they've all just been fighting each other.

December 23, 1979 - Mike Milbury climbs into the stands and beats a fan with his own shoe, in what everyone now agrees is probably the fifteenth or sixteenth dumbest thing he's ever done.

January 4, 1987 - Canada and Russia are disqualified from the World Junior tournament after a massive brawl that will be unanimously criticized by the media as "outrageous" and "shameful" and "totally going to screw up the 'you never see any brawls in international hockey' argument we make in all our anti-fighting columns".

May 11, 1989 - After an increasingly out-of-control Ron Hextall viciously attacks Chris Chelios in the dying moments of the Wales Conference Finals, concerned government authorities finally agree to green-light the top secret cyborg assassin program that will eventually lead to the creation of Felix Potvin.

November 7, 1998 - Red Wings and Avalanche players immediately engage in five separate and bloody fights as soon as the puck hits the ice, which really scares the crap out of the disabled child doing the ceremonial puck drop.

How to never say anything interesting: An NHLer's guide

Shhh... You had me at "flurry of
roundhouse punches to the face"

If you're a National Hockey League personality, odds are you spend much of your day with a microphone in your face and somebody asking you a question. Many newcomers make the mistake of interpreting this as an invitation to share their honest thoughts and opinions.

It's not. In fact, there are only a few dozen acceptable answers to any hockey-related question, and you'll be expected to simply choose the right one and recite it verbatim. Sure, some will accuse you of speaking in clichés, but it's better than the alternative: revealing yourself to have an actual personality, and being torn to shreds for it.

So for those of you who may be new to life in the NHL, here's a quick guide to the sort of things that are acceptable to say, and what you should make sure you avoid.

If you want to say: "Wow, a player on our team just committed a sickening act of violence for which he will surely be suspended."
Instead say: "I can't comment on that, since I haven't seen the replay."
But don't also say: "… because there was blood and bone fragments all over the scoreboard."

If you want to say: "Did we pay that guy too much? I think we paid that guy too much. Let me see the contract again. Oh man, we paid that guy way too much."
Instead say: "As per team policy, financial terms were not disclosed."
But don't also say: "… even though they'll be posted on capgeek.com seven seconds after you read this."

If you want to say: "Sure, fighting Brent Johnson sounds like a super idea!"
Instead say: "I think I'll just curl up in a little ball inside my net where it's safe."
But don't also say: "… hey, where'd this puddle come from?"

If you want to say: "Even though we're in last place and have lost seventeen games in a row, I'm not allowed to waive my no-trade clause because my wife says she really likes the shopping in this city."
Instead say: "I am absolutely committed to this team and want to win a championship here."
But don't also say: "Yes honey, I was just … no, just talking to some reporters and… yes dear, of course, I'll be home immediately."

If you want to say: "This player is lazy, doesn't try hard, stops caring entirely for weeks at a time, and all his teammates want to strangle him."
Instead say: "This player is enigmatic."
But don't also say: "… that's Russian for 'total headcase', right?"

If you want to say: "Our coach has been fired? Hallelujah! Now maybe we can all start trying again!"
Instead say: "It's always tough to see somebody lose their job."
But don't also say: "… now quick, somebody help me set his office on fire before they change their mind."

If you want to say: "Hey, you know what would be fantastic? If my defencemen could go one shift without turning the puck over, screening me, and then deflecting slapshots past me. Can we maybe try that once, guys, just for a change?"
Instead say: "We win as a team, and we lose as a team."
But don't also say: "… and after looking at this team, I've decided to go fight Brent Johnson."

If you want to say: "I'm pretty sure our star player might be dead."
Instead say: "He is questionable to return after suffering an upper body injury."
But don't also say: "… in the sense that, technically, his upper body was the last known location of his head."

If you want to say: "We are completely hopeless."
Instead say: "Hey, we just need a few bounces to go our way!"
But don't also say: "… like if the other team's bus bounced off of the overpass on the way to the game, we could probably pick up a point."

If you want to say: "Maybe it's just not working out here, I guess. Who knows? I can't get anything going, so maybe it's time for a change or something."
Instead say: "I want to be here. I love the city. I love the fans. I love the team. I want to be here for a very long time."
But don't also say: … all of the above, while blinking "Oh God, won't somebody please rescue me?" in morse code.

Democracy doesn't work: All-star voting through the years

Did we say all-stars? Maybe we
should have said "mostly stars".

This week saw the release of the first batch of results of fan voting for the 2011 all-star game. With this year's game featuring a creative new format that will see players divided up with a schoolyard-style draft, fans are paying close attention to the voting results as they come in.

The numbers so far have certainly given us plenty to talk about. Fans have organized write-in campaigns for players ranging from Paul Bissonnette to Sean Avery to Carey Price. Meanwhile, so-called star players such as Ilya Kovalchuk and Vincent Lecavalier trail far behind.

Debating the all-star votes has become an annual tradition that dates back to the inception of fan-chosen teams in 1986. Here's a look back at some of the more memorable moments in fan voting over the years.

November, 2008 - Montreal Canadien fans launch a ballot-stuffing campaign they discretely refer to as "Operation let's get a mediocre defenceman elected to the all-star team and then see if the Maple Leafs will massively overpay him in free agency".

December, 2006 - The NHL scoffs at accusations that they've tampered with the results of the balloting after announcing that a record 100% of fans have cast their vote for Gregory Campbell.

January, 1987 - Despite your careful efforts to punch the ballot just right and then hand it to the patiently waiting usher, you are devastated to learn that your childhood hero has not been selected for the game. Years later you will pinpoint the experience as the exact moment you learned the lifelong lesson that voting for things that are important to you is a complete waste of time.

February, 2009 - Three weeks after the all-star game is played, mailed-in ballots from Blackhawks general manager Dale Tallon begin arriving at league headquarters.

January, 1997 - Claude Lemieux is flattered to learn that he has been named a starter on the Western Conference team thanks to a write-in campaign organized by Detroit Red Wing fans, although that feeling fades somewhat when he realizes that the same campaign has also elected Eastern Conference starters Rob Ray, Tie Domi, and an angry Doberman.

December, 2008 - Rick DiPietro casts a vote for himself, then spends six months on injured reserve due to the resulting paper cut.

January, 2001 - Defenceman Mark Eaton is the runaway vote leader in fan balloting, causing the league to rethink that season's heavily criticized "Delaware vs. The World" format.

December, 2009 - Attempts by Calgary ownership to encourage fans to flood the league office with write-in votes for Flames players goes awry when the players mistakenly assume the slogan "This Year, Let's All Mail It In!" is the team's new mission statement.

January, 2004 - A concerted write-in campaign by Ottawa Senator fans results in the entire Eastern Conference starting lineup consisting of variations of the phrase "Leafs suck".

January, 1993 - The league's efforts to encourage grade school children to vote backfires when the two starting goaltending spots are won in a landslide by Ron Tugnutt and Daren Puppa.

October, 1998 - The NHL's first attempt at online voting proves unpopular with fans, mainly due to its requirement that fans log in to the web site, click on their favourite player's name, and then mail their computer to the league's head office.

January, 1991 - Chris Nilan is named to the Wales Conference all-star team by head coach Mike Milbury, which would be the funniest joke in this entire piece except that it actually happened.

December, 2008 - Sidney Crosby attempts to cast his vote, but is thwarted in his efforts to punch the ballot after being unable to locate its crotch.

A hockey fan's guide to the NFL

Hey Peyton, on a scale of one to ten
how popular is the NHL down there?

With the NHL season is still three weeks away, sports fans got a boost this weekend with the return of the NFL. By the beginning of next month, both leagues will be in full swing and often competing head-to-head.

But while the two leagues share a spot on the fall calendar, the similarities often end there. Football and hockey offer up vastly different products, with significant differences in rules, strategy and even terminology. It can all be very confusing for a hockey fan trying to keep tabs on professional football.

In an attempt to simplify things, I've compiled a hockey fan's guide to the NFL. Clip and save this handy list in case you find yourself getting confused in the weeks ahead.

NHL: Delusional Jets fans actually think their team has a chance of returning to Winnipeg.
NFL: Delusional Jets fans actually think their team has a chance of returning to the Super Bowl.

NFL: "Safety" refers to a player who lines up deep in the secondary and is responsible for covering passing plays.
NHL: "Safety" refers the act of not doing anything that might make Zdeno Chara angry.

NFL: Although they realize that it's probably unrealistic given the rate of injury, every player starts the season with the goal of playing in 16 games.
NHL: Rick DiPietro

NHL: Every year, fans can look forward to a gruelling two-month marathon known as "the Stanley Cup playoffs".
NFL: Every year, fans can look forward to a gruelling two-month marathon known as "Brett Favre decides whether or not he wants to play this year".

NFL: A "dime back" refers to a sixth defensive back, who enters the game on likely passing downs.
NHL: A "dime back" refers to what you'd better be ready to give Patrick Kane once he's paid you for his cab ride.

NFL: There are several teams in the southern United States, who regularly play in front of sold out crowds filled with rabid fans with a deep appreciation for the sport.
NHL: There are several teams in the southern United States.

NHL: "Dump and chase" refers to the strategy of shooting the puck deep into the opponent's zone and then attempting to retrieve it.
NFL: "Dump and chase" refers to a typical night in college for Najeh Davenport.

NFL: Teams will occasionally score from up to 60 yards away as the result of a play called "the Hail Mary".
NHL: Teams will occasionally score from up to 60 yards away as the result of a play called "playing against a team that employs Vesa Toskala".

NFL: "First and ten" refers to the down and distance at the start of an offensive drive.
NHL: "First and ten" would be Brian Burke's answer to the question "What kind of draft picks did you give up for Phil Kessel, and how many scouts did you fire afterwards?"

NHL: For decades, opponents of the Montreal Canadiens have been haunted by the ghosts of legendary players of the past.
NFL: For decades, fans of the Oakland Raiders have been haunted by the ghost of owner Al Davis.

NFL: "Bump and run" is a defensive technique that focuses on slowing down the receiver at the line of scrimmage.
NHL: "Bump and run" is Daniel Carcillo's strategy against any player who is tougher than Marion Gaborik.

NHL: John Madden is occasionally photographed cavorting shirtless in the back of a limo.
NFL: Oh good lord let's hope not.

NFL: "The Music City Miracle" refers to a last-second kickoff return that allowed the Tennessee Titans to advance in the playoffs.
NHL: "The Music City Miracle" refers to an Ottawa Senators third-liner managing to marry Carrie Underwood.

NHL: The Toronto Maple Leafs are often called "the Dallas Cowboys of the NHL".
NFL: The Dallas Cowboys are often called "the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NFL" by people who are trying to get Jerry Jones to hang himself.

An in-depth review of NHL 11

Today is one of the most anticipated days on the hockey calendar, as it marks the annual release of the new version of EA Sports' enormously popular NHL video game series.

I was lucky enough to get my hands on an advanced copy, and I can report that this year's version, NHL 11, includes plenty of new and upgraded features. Unfortunately, it includes a few bugs as well.

Here are some of my first impressions after several days with the new game:

• One heavily promoted new feature sees the introduction of broken sticks, which will crack or even shatter completely at the slightest contact several times each game. In an additional attempt at realism, the same technology was also applied to each of Rick DiPietro's body parts.
  
  
• The game features revolutionary puck physics that are hyper-realistic. When a shot is deflected you can see the puck fly into the stands. When a pass is deflected you can see the puck roll into the corner. And when the Flyers lose a game in the finals you can see the puck get tossed into an abandoned dumpster behind a convenience store near Chris Pronger's house.
  
  
• Unfortunately there are several bugs, including a strange offseason roster glitch I ran into in franchise mode. After finally winning my first Stanley Cup after decades of trying, I went to my roster screen and noticed that half my team was suddenly listed as playing for Atlanta.
  
  
• The game includes an improved breakaway and shootout system that promises to completely revolutionize the way you randomly swing your stick back and forth before skating into the goalie without even getting a shot off.
  
  
• Fans of "Swingers", rejoice: You can finally make a player's head bleed again, although in a slightly different manner than previous versions. This year, instead of throwing a body check or winning a fight, you now cause blood to pour out of an opponent's ears by forcing him to listen to the Leafs' pre-game theme song "Free To Be".
  
  
• Negotiating long-term deals with free agents is so realistic that the game kept interrupting me with empty threats about voiding contracts I signed while playing NHL 10.
  
  
• The game includes an elaborate new "Ultimate Team" mode that allows you to build a dream team by mixing and matching trading cards, a feature that will no doubt prove extremely popular with gamers who accidentally buy NHL 11 because the game store was all out of Pokemon.
  
  
• There seems to have been some sort of audio mix-up with EA's FIFA soccer game. When I played a game in Montreal, the crowd just kept doing old soccer chants from the 1980s.
  
  
• The game features a fully customizable sound system with a slider for each element of background noise. For example, you can slide the music from "high" to "low", the crowd noise from "loud" to "silent", and Pierre McGuire from "excruciatingly loud" to "oh good lord even when I turn off the game I can still hear him in my nightmares".
  
  
• Oops…. Typo alert! For the 19th version in a row, the year listed in the game's title doesn't match the year in which the game is actually released.
  
  
• The game features an in-depth sneak preview of the 2012-13 version. To access it, follow these steps: Put down your controller; turn off your game system; and watch poker reruns on TV while drinking scotch and crying.
  
  
• Gone are the days of nondescript pixelated fans in the background; crowd detail is spectacular this year. For example, if you zoom in on the fans in the first few rows of the ACC crowd during overtime of a Leafs game, you can actually tell which stock prices they're absentmindedly looking up on their Blackberries.
  
  
• Unfortunately, it looks like the game's graphic design team got a little lazy when it came to player models. I was playing a game against the Canucks, and two-thirds of their top line looked exactly the same.
  
  
• Finally, here's a neat bonus offer: Look for a proof of purchase coupon inside the box. Collect ten, mail them to the NHL head office along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, and you'll receive a personally signed letter back from Gary Bettman congratulating you on becoming the new owner of the Phoenix Coyotes.
  

(Previous game reviews: NHL 10 | NHL 09)

The Kovalchuk hearing: The top secret transcript

Lou Lamoriello in happier times.

NHL arbitrator Richard Bloch announced his decision in the Ilya Kovalchuk case yesterday, ruling that Kovalchuk's controversial 17-year contract with the Devils is null and void.

But while the decision itself was made public, the details of last week's hearings were not. Until now.

My spies were in attendance for one session of the hearing, and recorded a complete transcript. I'm republishing it below so that NHL fans can understand the case that Bloch was dealing with, and judge for themselves whether justice was done.

(Scene: a courtroom. Richard Bloch is presiding, with various other NHL personnel on hand. Several NHL stars are sitting in a small waiting area in the back of the room.)

Bloch: OK everyone, let's get started. In this morning's session we heard from several league officials. Gary Bettman testified about the discretionary powers available to him as commissioner, Bill Daly explained his interpretation of the CBA, and Lou Lamoriello threw several jars of jam at my head.

Lamoriello: It slipped out of my hand.

Bloch: …

Lamoriello: Fifteen times.

Bloch: Anyway, this afternoon we'll be hearing testimony from various NHL players. The first to take the stand will be Ilya Kovalchuk. Let's get the biggest question out of the way first: Ilya, do you really intend to play the entire length of this contract?

Kovalchuk: First of all, I just want to say how disappointed I am that my integrity is being called into question here. Yes, of course I plan to play through the end of this contract. And in fact, I have every intention of playing well beyond that.

Bloch: Wow. Seriously?

Kovalchuk: Of course. Plenty of guys play past the age of 34.

Bloch: Um… Ilya? You're 27 years old and you signed a 17-year contract.

Kovalchuk: Exactly. So 27 plus 17 is... hold on... carry the one, and... oh. Hey, wait a second. Oh man.

Bloch: ...

Kovalchuk: Seriously, Lou? You actually thought anyone would buy this?

Bloch: Incoming.

(A jar of grape jam smashes against the wall behind Kovalchuk's head.)

Bloch: Thanks for your testimony Ilya. You may step down.

Kovalchuk (doing an old man voice): Hey, it's me, 44-year-old Ilya Kovalchuk. When does the game start? I want to make sure my grandchildren have time to feed me my pre-game meal of mashed bananas.

Bloch: That will be all, Ilya. We'll now begin hearing testimony from other NHLers who have signed similar deals which have been approved by the league. Our first player will be, let's see... Oh no.

(The sound of smashing windows and car alarms can be heard from outside.)

Bloch (into intercom): Security, we have a Code Orange.

(A chainsaw slashes through the wall, carving out a hole through which a figure emerges.)

Chris Pronger: Boo-yah!

Bloch: OK, let's get this over with. Chris, you signed a seven-year extension when you were already 35 years old. Why should we believe that you'll still be playing when that contract ends?

Pronger: Well, keep in mind that I've never relied on skills that fade with age, like speed or hand-eye coordination. My game is based on abilities that tend to remain consistent over time.

Bloch: Size? Positioning? Defensive awareness?

Pronger: Elbowing people in the head when they're not looking.

Bloch: Of course.

Pronger: Hey, is this going to take much longer? I haven't slashed anyone in the throat in like 15 minutes, and I'm starting to get the shakes.

Bloch: I think you're all done. Our next player to testify will be Islanders' goalie Rick DiPietro. Thanks for joining us, Rick.

DiPietro: No problem.

Bloch: Now Rick, your 15-year contract was the longest in league history when it was signed. Can you explain the process that lead to the deal?

DiPietro (now slumped over in chair): …

Lamoriello: Um, I think he's unconscious.

Bloch: From sitting down? Wow, he really is injury prone.

Lamoriello: No, actually while you were talking Pronger ran over and elbowed him in the head.

Pronger: Boo-yah!

Kovalchuk (still doing old man voice): Dangnabbit, Pronger!

Bloch: OK everyone, let's settle down. We have several more players to hear from. In fact, as I look over into the waiting area I see that… Oh for the love of…

(In the waiting area, Marian Hossa, Mike Richards, Roberto Luongo and Henrik Zetterbeg are laying in a pile of twisted limbs. There is blood on the ceiling. The only movement is from a dazed Alexander Ovechkin, whose attempt to commando crawl to the exit is cut short when he's hit in the temple with a jar of strawberry jam.)

Lamoriello: Boo-yah!

(Pronger and Lamoriello high five.)

Bloch: OK, it's time for my decision. I'd like to render my ruling based on the details of the CBA, but my copy has jam stains all over it. I'd look through past rulings for precedents, but Chris Pronger just set my law library on fire. And I'd flip a coin, but Ilya Kovalchuk took my spare change and is mailing it to his imaginary grandchildren.

Kovalchuk (shaking fist): Get off my lawn!

Bloch: So here's my ruling: You people are lunatics. The contract is voided. And if I ever see any of you again, I'm calling the police. This hearing is adjourned.

ESPN's NHL player survey: The missing questions

Survey says...

The April 5th issue of ESPN The Magazine will contain the annual NHL player's poll, in which 50 players were asked about a variety of subjects. The poll yielded some interesting results, as players weighed in on topics such as PEDs, officiating, groupies, and more.

But something's wrong. All the media reports, and even the actual ESPN article, only make reference to 20 questions. And I happen to know there were 30, because I have a copy of the full results.

I don't know why the extra ten questions haven't been reported on. I'm thinking it may have just been an oversight. So I'm going to fix that right now, by revealing the ten NHL player poll questions ESPN forgot to tell you about.

The players are currently hiring a new head for the player's association. What is the most important qualification that your ideal candidate would have?
13% - Experience recovering from disastrous work stoppages.
11% - Inability to hack into e-mail systems.
8% - Some vague sense of familiarity with the sport of hockey, although to be honest that's really more of a "nice-to-have".
68% - We have a player's association?

Which team would you least like to be playing for?
13% - Columbus Blue Jackets
16% - Florida Panthers
12% - New York Islanders
59% - Whoever has to play the Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs.

Do you think Alexander Ovechkin will hit the 50-goal mark this season?
74% - Yes
15% - No
11% - Only if it turns its back to him first

The NHL is rumored to be considering another round of expansion. Would this be a good idea?
31% - No.
28% - No!
24% - Good lord, no.
17% - Yes.
17% - Just kidding... but seriously: No.

Should the NHL alter its overtime format for the playoffs?
23% - Yes, introduce 4-on-4 overtime for the playoffs.
17% - Yes, introduce the shootout for the playoffs.
45% - No, do not change the overtime format for the playoffs.
5% - I am a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs and I do not understand the question.

Do you think it's ridiculous that in today's NHL, a team can lose more games than they win and still be considered over .500?
58% - Yes
54% - No

Travis Moen recent suffered a gruesome eye injury that nearly ended his career. Why don't more players wear visors?
27% - Find that it reduces peripheral vision.
34% - Stigma that tough players don't wear them.
22% - Not necessary since chance of suffering a serious eye injury are probably small.
17% - What? Who said that? Is there somebody in the room?

What's the single most important thing a hockey player can accomplish during their career?
23% - Stanley Cup championship
18% - Olympic gold medal
13% - Hall of Fame induction
38% - Trade out of Edmonton

There is growing concern over the number of serious injuries to NHL players. What's your best advice to fellow players on staying healthy?
19% - Hide behind the mascot any time Shea Weber winds up for a slapshot.
25% - Spend a lot of time standing next to Rick DiPietro; at least you'll look healthy by comparison.
12% - Never make eye contact with Colton Orr.
34% - Try to get an appointment with the Capitals' team "chiropractor".

The Winter Classic has become an unqualified success, generating massive fan interest and historic television ratings. How will the NHL ruin it?
11% - Hold it more than once per season.
10% - Play the game in indoor stadiums in southern markets like Dallas.
15% - Start re-using the same teams every year.
64% - Not sure, but have an absolute and unwavering faith that Gary Bettman will figure something out.