Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Jarome Iginla vs. Jaromir Jagr: An in-depth comparison

After 15 years in Calgary, Jarome Iginla tries to
remember which facial muscles you use to smile.

The trade deadline has come and gone, and two names dominated: Jaromir Jagr and Jarome Iginla. It's not the first time in their careers that they've found themselves with something in common.

Both are right wingers known for using their size and strength. Both are members of the exclusive 500-goal club. And of course, both were moved in the days leading up to the 2013 NHL trade deadline.

But despite the similarities, there are some subtle differences between the two players. Let's take a more in-depth look at these two legends.

Jagr: Has always worn the number 68, in recognition of the first year of the Czechoslovakian rebellion known as the Prague Spring.
Iginla: Has always worn the number 12, in recognition of the final year that the Flames front office would be able to convince themselves they were still Stanley Cup contenders.

Iginla: His full name is Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla.
Jagr: His full name includes several graphical references to anatomical functions as well as his mother, according to every Penguins fan you mention him too.

Jagr: Played most of his career in Pittsburgh alongside players like Mario Lemieux, Ron Francis and Paul Coffey, which taught him valuable lessons about how to consistently perform at Hall of Fame level.
Iginla: Played most of his career in Calgary alongside players like Craig Conroy, Daymond Langkow and Matthew Lombardi, teaching him a valuable lesson about life not being fair.

Iginla: As a rookie, whenever he took his helmet off you knew he was about to get in a fight and didn't want his visor to be an unfair advantage.
Jagr: As a rookie, whenever he took his helmet off you knew you that your own feathered mullet was JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH YET.

Jagr: Was just traded away by Stars general manager Joe Nieuwendyk, who coincidentally was once traded for Jarome Iginla.
Iginla: Was just traded away by Flames general manager Jay Feaster, who coincidentally has spent the last week listening to league officials patiently explain why he can't claim Jaromir Jagr on waivers.

Iginla: Was acquired via trade for basically nothing, so there's really no way he can be a disappointment, say Penguin fans.
Jagr: Oh, don't be so sure about that, say Capital fans.

Jagr: Got to witness teammate Ulf Samuelsson scoring the Stanley Cup-winning goal against the North Stars in 1991, although the moment was somewhat anti-climactic since the game ended up being an 8-0 blowout.
Iginla: Got to witness teammate Martin Gelinas scoring the Stanley Cup-winning goal against the Lightning in 2004, although the moment was somewhat anti-climactic since everyone eventually decided to just give the Cup to Tampa Bay anyways.

Iginla: Played a critical role in Canada's gold medal win at the 2002 Olympics by scoring a pair of goals in the final game.
Jagr: Played a critical role in the Czech Republic's gold medal win at the 1998 Olympics by constantly going up to Dominik Hasek and reminding him not to ever let the other team score any goals.

Jagr: Infuriated Penguins fans in 2011 when he chose to sign a contract with their state rivals in Philadelphia.
Iginla: Might someday consider something similar if the province of Alberta ever gets a second NHL team.

Iginla: Has managed to stay remarkably healthy during his long career because of his commitment to fitness and offseason conditioning.
Jagr: Has managed to stay remarkably healthy during his long career because his mullet kept his brain at the right temperature, Randy Carlyle assumes.

Jagr: Recorded over 600 assists in Pittsburgh, thanks to his uncanny ability to always feed the puck to the Penguins' best players.
Iginla: Must have a similar talent, since he was only in Pittsburgh for one period before the Penguin's best player was fed a hockey puck.

Iginla: Was actually drafted by the Dallas Stars, but was traded to Calgary before he ever played an NHL game there.
Jagr: Had no association whatsoever with the Dallas Stars, according to the collective memory of hockey fans in about three more months.


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20 comments:

  1. I don't get the capitals joke. Otherwise solid gold, good sir.

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    1. Caps joke: Jagr was traded to the Caps for three fringe players and was largely a disappointment (he was a point-per-game player as opposed to...well...a 1.5 point-per game player).

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    2. Rangers got Jagr from Washington for Anson Carter.

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    3. I think he's referring to Washington getting Jagr from the Pens for Beech, Sivek and Lupaschuk.

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    4. Basically the main reason Caps fans hate Jagr is because, after torturing the Caps in the playoffs for years, he suddenly, unaccountably stank up the joint when he became ours. Conspiracy theories abound (#AdmiralAckbar). The only ex-Pens who really did right for the Caps were fellow Czech Robert ("the Anti-Jagr") Lang and Matt "Professor" Bradley. Matt Cooke does not count, as Cookie The Anger Pengiun's propensity for cheap shots is well known throughout the league.

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  2. Must have a similar talent, since he was only in Pittsburgh for one period before the Penguin's best player was fed a hockey puck.

    Now this came from a blind corner, absolute gold!

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  3. The Jagr trade to Washington netted Pittsburgh very little. Jagr's time in DC was disappointing, though he really didn't play all that bad. Those Caps teams had nothing in terms of defense and a terrible coach.

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  4. "Jagr: Has managed to stay remarkably healthy during his long career because his mullet kept his brain at the right temperature, Randy Carlyle assumes."

    Haha, this had me spitting coffee on my keyboard. I just read that article on TSN. I think Randy Carlyle's brain must have "overheated" once or twice.

    Hilarious as always DGB!

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  5. Any pics of "your own feathered mullet"?

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  6. "Iginla: Has always worn the number 12, in recognition of the final year that the Flames front office would be able to convince themselves they were still Stanley Cup contenders."

    hate to spoil a good joke, but:
    http://beaconnews.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/jarome-iginla.jpg

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  7. One of the greatest you've done.

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  8. My faves:

    • “Iginla: Might someday consider something similar if the province of Alberta ever gets a second NHL team.” Ouch. Just ouch.

    • “Jagr: His full name includes several graphical references to anatomical functions as well as his mother, according to every Penguins fan you mention him too.”

    Good one, but I actually had in mind something more like this:

    Jagr: Contrary to popular belief, his full name contains no vowels (which is considered normal in the Czch Rpblc).

    • “Jagr: Recorded over 600 assists in Pittsburgh, thanks to his uncanny ability to always feed the puck to the Penguins' best players.
    Iginla: Must have a similar talent, since he was only in Pittsburgh for one period before the Penguin's best player was fed a hockey puck.

    As a Capitals fan (and therefore…ummm…shall we say, not a fan of Crosby), I have to love that one.

    Comedy Gold, as always, DGB….Comedy Gold.

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  9. The Crosby joke stole the show. Amazingly funny.

    (And I like Sid as a player, it's not from a Flyers fan "I'm happy he's eating out of a straw" type of thing.)

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  10. actually laughed out loud in the middle of class at the carlyle joke. very well done

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  11. Sorry, but there was no Czechoslovakian rebellion in 1968.


    In 1968 the Soviet Union (with puppet states) "invaded" Czechoslovakia (a puppet state itself) to prevent political reforms they did not back.

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  12. Gunter V: That denial of history is monumentally stupid.
    The Prague Spring in 1968 was a very real rebellion against Authoritarian Communism that people (including Jagr's Grandfather) went to jail and died for. Just because it wasn’t a military conflict does not lessen its enduring impact.
    I’d put your dismissal of those events on the same level as Holocaust deniers and 9/11 truthers. You are awarded no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

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    1. @Pucks_and-Pols

      You have completely misread Gunter V's post: Its point is that there wasn't an armed rebellion, but an armed attack by the Soviets on the people of then Czechoslovakia. Given your misunderstanding, your smug final paragraph is completely ridiculous. Think before you cast stones.

      Arthur Orton arthurorton@yahoo.com (the only available sign in for me was as anonymous -- don't want you to think that I'm afraid to tell you you I am -- although you're under a pseudonym.)

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    2. My glass house is all smashed up from random sedimentry formation flinging that I partake in, that I will freely admit to.

      But I still feel that Gunter V was being quite dismissive of the impact of the events of the Prague Spring in 1968 and its long term geo-political impact upon the downfall of Authoritarian Stalinist Communism. Saying there was no rebellion in 1968 in Czechoslovakia would be like saying that their is no resistance in Tiebet to Chinese oppression. A rebellion need not be armed to be a rebellion. Peaceful resistance can be quite powerful.

      As a young man Jagr was constantly getting in trouble at school for carrying around pictures of Ronald Reagan in his text books as the teachers continued to spout pro-Soviet propaganda about Americans being heartless and greedy capitalist vultures. This is because his Grandmother was at home regaling him with tales of his deceased Grandfather and the resistance he had been a part of. She carried on the flame of resistance with her and passed it onto a new generation. Jagr became a walking symbol of what this new freedom could mean as the ruins of the Soviet Empire crashed around him and he did something that would have been unthinkable 10 years prior, coming to America to pursue his dreams of being a professional hockey player.

      If you want to have further discussions about this history you can also reach me at josephmarks1984@yahoo.com I have no problem with that. Thanks for the response.

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  13. I'm enjoying this exchange of ideas with other like minded hockey fans on this hockey humor blog.

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  14. Iginla wears #12 in reference to the 12 apostles of Jesus Christ, who was a prominent Jewish person, outspoken Holocaust denier, and once beat Tim Thomas in a race around the world. Just FYI.

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