Monday, April 1, 2013

Buyers and sellers at the 2013 NHL trade deadline

In hindsight, Luongo realized that getting Gillis
to promise to have him in a new uniform by
March may not have been specific enough.

The annual NHL trade deadline is Wednesday, which literally everybody who would ever visit this site already knows and has read 300 articles about, but I have to mention it anyways because this is what us professional writers refer to as a "topical lead".

Anyways, that means it's time for a mandatory roundup of which teams are buyers and which are sellers.

Buyer: Toronto Maple Leafs - Are rumored to be in the market for a veteran goaltender due to concerns about James Reimer's glove hand; specifically, the way he keeps using it to point to his statistics while saying "Seriously, you guys would be insane to trade for a goaltender right now".

Seller: Calgary Flames - Jay Feaster is expected to be extremely active on deadline day and finalize deals with as many as a half dozen different teams, and that's just for Jay Bouwmeester.

Buyer: Anaheim Ducks - Will be looking for fourth-liners who don't know the meaning of the word "can't" and veterans who don't know the meaning of the word "quit" and potential season ticket subscribers who don't know the meaning of the word "regression".

Seller: San Jose Sharks - Ryan Clowe would be a perfect addition to the dressing room of a contender, since he's the not the sort of guy who'll come in and suddenly disrupt team chemistry with a whole lot of selfish talk about how many goals he's scored this season.

Buyer: Detroit Red Wings - Apparently still really need a goaltender who can handle Jacob Kindl's breakaway move.

Seller: Buffalo Sabres - GM Darcy Regier wants to leave the franchise in good shape for whoever ultimately replaces him, so will probably focus on players who'll be ready to step in and help the team by next Tuesday.

Buyer: Pittsburgh Penguins - Have resigned themselves to spending the rest of the season without the services of the most talented and dynamic offensive player the league has seen in a decade, after realizing that Nazem Kadri doesn't play for them.

Seller: Florida Panthers - Trade talks always seem to be going so well right up until that awkward moment when the other GM asks whether they have any healthy NHL-caliber players.

Buyer: New York Rangers - Have recently found themselves in the market for a player who has size and strength and a willingness to drop the gloves and access to the parking lot outside whatever fashion magazine Sean Avery is working at these days.

Seller: Colorado Avalanche - Oh sure, in some sort of perfect fantasy world would love to singlehandedly rebuild the franchise by somehow acquiring a top three overall pick like the ones the Flames have, but these days you never have a chance to land one of those.

Buyer: Boston Bruins - Sources say that GM Peter Chiarelli has already had his scouting staff compile a detailed list of players they would be interested in losing out to Ray Shero on.

Seller: Tampa Bay Lightning - Reports are that Martin St. Louis will not waive his no-trade clause to allow a deal, which a seething Ken Hitchcock says is great because it will be the only time this year somebody with "St. Louis" on their jersey stopped anything.

Buyer: Chicago Blackhawks - Were so good during the first half that they can already look ahead to the Stanley Cup finals, so will probably just be trying to add players who would be good at sadly shaking hands with the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Seller: Philadelphia Flyers - Team sources indicate that obviously, anyone who can read the Atlantic Division standings can see that they're clearly in this category, and only a moron would… oh, sorry, they thought you said "cellar". No, they're definitely buying.

Buyer: Ottawa Senators - Are unlikely to make any moves that would disrupt team chemistry because nothing is more important than being really smart when it comes to chemistry, according to the crazy homeless guy in a tattered lab coat who has somehow convinced Eugene Melnyk that he's a forensic investigator.

Seller: Columbus Blue Jackets - Just like always at this time of year, the buzz around the Blue Jackets front office is that they're ready to start selling, so Columbus fans can get ready to say goodbye to whoever this "Playoff Tickets" guy is.

Buyer: Phoenix Coyotes - Could be legitimate buyers at the deadline. Actually, that's not true, I just wanted to see what it would be like to be the first person to ever write "Phoenix Coyotes" and "legitimate" and "buyer" in the same sentence.

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  1. Awesome article, had me laughing at several different points. You may want to change the "Coould be legitimate players at the deadline" to buyers for the Coyotes, before a thousand other people ignore my comment and post their own mean remark.

  2. Absolutely perfect finish. Nailed it as always!

  3. Pittsburgh - In preparation for a likely meeting with Chicago in the Stanley Cup finals, are currently seeking a troubled former firefighter with martial arts skills to play goalie in Game 7.

  4. Buyer: Anaheim Ducks - Will be looking for fourth-liners who don't the meaning of the word "can't"

    I think you a word there.

  5. Kadri really? Is it not enough that a national broadcaster has you covered on the Kadri thing? They had half the team on with him as though they had won the Stanley Cup , it was unreal in a national broadcast . I would have expected in a local broadcast but they have got to the point that they seemingly don't even care to pretend otherwise.The point was HNIC was being watched by fans in Montreal, Ottawa, Edmonton, Calgary and Vancouver – none of whom enjoy a national broadcast devoted to pumping the Leafs.

    1. I for one am sick of the CBC pumping the tires of the western teams by having players and personnel on their "after hours" segment for like a half hour. Obviously the CBC is biased towards these western teams!


      Seriously though, there are 3 Canadian teams in the east, 1 of which lost. Ron Mclean and Don Cherry were in Toronto, it only makes sense to have a Toronto player on there. People are so hyper-sensitive to the Leafs. The Leafs have a wide fanbase right across the country, and more Leaf fans watch the English HNIC broadcast then fan of any other team. No offense to Habs fans, they have a huge following, I even read that they have the biggest viewing audience, but they're split between English and French broadcasts.

      What player would you prefer they have on after a game? Someone from the west? Come on. If you don't want to see Eastern hockey team related interviews, waiting until puck drop in the west to tune in.

    2. Thanks for the comment Bitter Betsy!

      The Ottawa one was gold! Crazy old Eugene!

    3. I've gone from being embarrassed by to tolerating to absolutely loving Crazy Uncle Euge. Now I just want to see what he does next.

    4. /worldstiniestviolin

  6. Fog, they were actually in Ottawa...

  7. That kindl line stung. Too soon :(

  8. Can you lay off the Blue Jackets? I mean, okay, your comment was meant to be funny, but with the season they're having - after so many years of frustration - it's kind of like taking a dump on the Mona Lisa.

    1. Yeah, a "Mona Lisa" that still sits in 10th place 1 point out of the final playoff spot with the teams above them having 2 games in hand. Seriously, I think they did quite well this year, but, let's be honest, the Blue Jackets are the butt of jokes for a reason.

  9. The Other, Better-Looking, AnonymousApril 2, 2013 at 12:20 AM

    || Buyer: Chicago Blackhawks - Were so good during the first half that they can already look ahead to the Stanley Cup finals, so will probably just be trying to add players who would be good at sadly shaking hands with the Pittsburgh Penguins. ||

    This would have to be Jagr, who would nicely augment another serving of Marián Hossa. But that's assuming the Pens get no more than one extra Captain killed before the playoffs.

  10. No "April Fools - NHL Style" this year?