Monday, April 15, 2013

The other former Oiler players interviewed by Kevin Lowe for the general manager job

Tambellini knew he was in trouble when his
performance review consisted entirely of
Kevin Lowe miming a wanking motion.

Scene: A board room at Edmonton Oilers headquarters. Kevin Lowe and Craig MacTavish are finishing up an extensive interview.

Lowe: Thanks again for coming in Craig. Obviously we want to move quickly to replace Steve Tambellini, and I have to say you did great on the interview.

MacTavish: Thanks Kevin. Happy to have the opportunity.

Lowe: I was especially impressed by this glowing letter of reference from Randy Carlyle, where he explains how you "never made your brain all sweaty" by wearing a helmet. So we'll certainly keep that in mind.

MacTavish: Excellent.

Lowe: Now as per team policy, we will of course be filling this vacant front office position with a former Edmonton Oilers player. And right now, you're certainly at the top of our list. But we do have a few other candidates to speak to.

MacTavish: Absolutely. It's all about due diligence.

Lowe: Thanks your understanding. (into intercom) Please send in the next candidate.

Wayne Gretzky enters the room.

Lowe: Thanks for coming in, Wayne. Now I have to say that I'm somewhat surprised that you're interested in returning to Edmonton. You seem like more of a southern US guy these days.

Gretzky: Well, it's true that for the past few years my family has spent most of our time in California. And I just feel like it would be a really nice change to come back up to a cold weather climate.

Lowe: Well, we certainly offer that.

Gretzky: Yeah, I really think my entire family needs to spend some time where it's snowy and cold and nobody ever wears a bikini.

Lowe: Ummm…

Gretzky: My ideal situation would involve mandatory head-to-toe parkas for everyone.

Lowe: OK, but any thoughts on what you'd do as the general manager?

Gretzky: Oh, I'd just let Dave handle that.

Lowe looks up at Dave Semenko standing behind Gretzky with his arms crossed.

Lowe: Does he still follow you around everywhere?

Semenko (cracking knuckles): Is there a problem with that?

Lowe: No sir.

Semenko: I didn't think so.

Lowe: OK, well thanks for coming in Wayne, and we'll certainly let you know.

Gretzky: Thanks. If you need me, I'll just be outside ordering Dave to smash every camera we see with a baseball bat.

Semenko: Dave wants to go on a canoe ride.

Lowe: You do that, Dave. (into intercom) Next candidate please.

Mark Messier enters the room.

Lowe: Mark, great to see you. So based on your extensive NHL experience, what would be the first steps you would take towards building a Stanley Cup championship team?

Messier: I would make a series of trades.

Lowe: Can you be more specific?

Messier: I would trade every good player on the roster to the New York Rangers.

Lowe: The Rangers.

Messier: Yep. May as well start planning the parade.

Lowe: I'm sorry, but how exactly would giving all our best players to the Rangers help us win a championship in Edmonton?

Messier (surprised): In Edmonton? Dude, you have to be more specific in your questions.

Lowe: (sighs heavily)

Messier (chuckling): Bring the Stanley Cup to Edmonton… I mean, the odds of that ever happening again have to be 1,000-to-1.

Gretzky (peeking his head in the door): Janet says she can get you 900.

Lowe (into intercom): Please send in the next former Oiler.

Ryan Smyth: Hi guys!

Lowe: Um…

Smyth (enthusiastically): Let's do this!

Lowe: OK, Ryan… you are aware that you still play for the team, right?

Smyth: What?

Lowe: You're at the rink literally every day. We're paying you over two million dollars. What did you think you were doing?

Smyth: I kind of assumed I was some sort of a consultant or something.

Lowe: You're our fourth line winger.

Smyth: Oh man. Wow.

Lowe: Come to think of it, this actually explains a lot.

Smyth: I should probably go do a sit up or something.

Lowe: You probably should. OK, at least this can't possibly get any worse. (into intercom) Are there any other former Oiler players out there?

Voice from outside: Boo-yah!

Lowe: Oh god no.

Chris Pronger kicks in the door and enters the room wearing a necklace made out of Dave Semenko's teeth.

Lowe: Chris, I know you played here for a season but I didn't really expect you to be interested in returning.

Pronger: Well, as you know my playing career recently ended, so I'm looking to keep busy.

Lowe: I see. And remind me why your career is over?

Pronger: I suffered a serious head injury, which to this day is still causing me lingering symptoms that can make even simple decision making a challenge.

Lowe: And you're applying for the Oilers GM job because…

Pronger: Based on the last few years, I just kind of assumed that was a job requirement.

Lowe: I hate you.

Pronger: Can I go now? Ryan Smyth says he knows an all-you-can-eat chicken wing place.

Lowe: You may.

MacTavish: I thought that went well.

Lowe: OK Craig, I think we can safely say you're the best candidate. Consider yourself hired.

MacTavish: That's great, I'm really excited for the job.

Lowe: I am too. Look, we all know it's a tough time for the organization, but I really think you're going to do great. We need a fresh new vision, and I look forward to seeing you take us in a brand new direction.

MacTavish: So, when do I start making decisions?

Lowe: Decisions? Oh no, I'll still be making all of those. You're basically here for some light office work.

MacTavish: Ah. OK.

Lowe: First order of business, gather up all these resumes from the other candidates and file them away.

MacTavish: Right away sir. Where did you want them?

Lowe: Oh, just put them over there, in the file folder labeled "Resumes for 2015 GM vacancy".

Featuring 70 posts including 24 chapters of exclusive new material, The Best of Down Goes Brown is now available.

Buy it today: | | Kindle | Barnes & Noble | Nook | Chapters/Indigo | Kobo | iBooks


  1. imagining the photo caption as a .gif totally made my day.

  2. Oilers fan: Beautiful, as always, DGB.

  3. Let's Go Oilers!! (Pronger Sucks!!)

  4. Exceptional work, DGB. You are a ray of light amidst the endless dark tunnel of Oiler fandom.

  5. Favorite line = "Janet says she can get you 900." Comedic genius.

    1. I loled hard at this too. so perfect. great post.

  6. Lol Gretzky. I just googled his daughter and now I get it. She has 100s of pics half naked and every time she's in a different dude's arms.

    Poor Wayne ahah.

  7. The Ryan Smyth bit had me laughing out loud. Great work!

  8. Wait, Ryan Smyth is still playing hockey?