Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Eastern Conference playoff preview

Mandatory playoff preview week continues. Yesterday we took a look at the Western Conference. Given the absence of a Northern or Southern Conference, I guess that means today we're stuck with the East.


#8 New York Islanders vs. #1 Pittsburgh Penguins


The Islanders kept it close until a
second Penguins player showed up.

The view from Long Island: Will try to shut down the Penguins' best players the same way they always do: By giving the puck to Brooks Orpik at the point and hoping he takes a slapshot.

The view from Pittsburgh: Will have to play a disciplined game, and try not to take a bunch of too-many-men penalties every time Dan Bylsma yells "Get out there, future hall-of-famer!"

Player to watch: David Volek, on a YouTube loop, while quietly muttering "I believe in miracles" to yourself.



#7 Ottawa Senators vs. #2 Montreal Canadiens


The two Senators were overjoyed to find a
teammate who hadn't been injured yet. (During
the celebration, both players were injured.)

The view from Ottawa: They say that an underdog just needs to win one game in front of the other team's fans, which is great news for the Senators since they'll get seven tries.

The view from Montreal: Have already printed up their "2013 Northeast Division Champs" ball caps, in case you were wondering what Carey Price would be wearing on the bench halfway through each game.

Player to watch: Erik Karlsson's injured leg is 100% back to normal, because it was always made out of a glowing metallic substance that makes a weird humming sound so just stop asking about that, OK?




#6 New York Rangers vs. #3 Washington Capitals


Hey, you do realize we're allowed to play other teams, right?

The view from New York: A Rangers loss could mean the end of John Tortorella, a story which the New York media will no doubt cover solemnly as soon as they’re done doing cartwheels in the pressbox.

The view from Washington: The Capitals managed to wrap up the Southeast thanks to hard work, dedication to their game plan, and being the only team in the division that remembered to take their skate guards off before each game.

Player to watch: Alexander Ovechkin, preferably through one of those pinhole projectors kids make during an eclipse so that the constant red light doesn't damage your retina.




#5 Toronto Maple Leafs vs. #4 Boston Bruins


Seguin couldn't shake the feeling he
should know this guy from somewhere.

The view from Toronto: The Maple Leafs players will have to deal with the crushing pressure of being solely responsible for making sure Toronto sports fans don't realize what's going on right now with the Blue Jays.

The view from Boston: Tyler Seguin is trying to explain to an sobbing Jack Edwards that he never meant to offend him, and it was only a typo when he recently tweeted "no homer".

Player to watch: Zdeno Chara and that funny whimpering noise coming from his locker, if you're the private investigator assigned to Phil Kessel's missing persons case in about two weeks.




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16 comments:

  1. the senators caption is pure gold!

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    1. Seriously, that one made me snort out coffee!

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  2. One of the best articles I read so far on the playoffs. Thanks for that.

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  3. “They don’t hang Conference Championship Banners from the rafters here” -Carey Price

    I predict the only time you'll see Price on the bench is if the series or game is in hand....and if he does need to I'm sure it'll go better than this...

    http://i.imgur.com/IRvroPk.gif

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    1. Well yes, generally (though not always!) when a goalie gets pulled the game is in hand - for the other team.

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    2. Yoooou...I see what you did there.

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  4. The Blue Jays comment is the best! And sadly so true!

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    1. Yup, the Jays have to be thankful that the playoffs are distracting this entire city from their disaster.

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    2. IT'S FUCKING APRIL! CHILL THE FUCK OUT!! Fucking bandwagon Jays fans...

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    3. It's May and the Jays are on a winning streak!

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  5. Love the captions - esp. the Isles vs. Pens!

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  6. They say that an underdog just needs to win one game in front of the other team's fans, which is great news for the Senators since they'll get seven tries.

    Gold!

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  7. Gary Bettman must be on his knees praying for Boston-Rangers 2nd round. His steroids didn't have enough time to get the Flyers into the playoffs and if he thinks he can get into the rafters "Sudden Death" style and snipe at Canadians he knows he'd fail.

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  8. Congratulations to Canada for getting three teams into the playoffs this year. Plus, there's Vancouver, for whatever that's worth.

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  9. Wow.

    "The view from Long Island: Will try to shut down the Penguins' best players the same way they always do: By giving the puck to Brooks Orpik at the point and hoping he takes a slapshot"

    Wow.

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