Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Ways Phil Kessel is dealing with his nine-game scoring slump

But seriously Zdeno, the game ended
three days ago, you can let me go now.

Phil Kessel has zero goals so far this season. You're probably well aware of this fact if you're a Maple Leafs fan, or have watched a few seconds of a Maple Leafs game, or walked by a newsstand that included any Toronto newspaper.

But while everyone's seen what Kessel's been doing (and not doing) when he's on the ice, we haven't heard much about what's happening off of it. The notoriously private winger hasn't said much about how he's dealing with the cold streak heard 'round the NHL.

According to well-placed Maple Leafs sources, here's how Phil Kessel has been spending his time during his season-opening slump.

  • Repeatedly sneaking into the room of a sleeping Joffrey Lupul with duct tape and a UHU stick and trying to put his arm back together.

  • Getting the sinking feeling that when Randy Carlyle showed the team clips of Nail Yakupov's various goal celebrations and sternly warned them all never to do that, he may have just meant the celebration part.

  • Waking up in a cold sweat from that recurring nightmare of Zdeno Chara following him everywhere; calmly reminding himself that it was only a dream; rolling over to find Zdeno Chara standing over his bed cracking his knuckles.

  • Recognizing that this slump is essentially the product of random chance and a sample size that is insufficient to draw meaningful conclusions that could… no, just kidding. Playing grittier!

  • Planning on how best to snap Alexander Ovechkin's picture during the final rounds of the "2013 NHL busts" fantasy draft.

  • Considering having his bones and internal organs replaced with an indestructible vanadium exoskeleton, since that seems to have worked out pretty well for Max Pacioretty.

  • Explaining to Johnny Bower and Darryl Sittler that he's always been kind of shy about approaching legendary Hall of Fame-level talents for their autographs, so is there any chance they'd be willing to go and ask Matt Fratin for him?

  • Same as every day for the past four weeks: Fighting back tears while standing outside Brian Burke's apartment holding a boombox.

  • Mumbling to the guy next to him at the bar about how frustrating it is that these days he can't even buy a goal, only to have Greg Jamison reply "Tell me about it".

  • Continuing his admirable work on behalf of his version of the Make-a-Wish charity, in which he helps randomly selected beer league veterans suddenly become Dion Phaneuf's defence partner.

  • Emailing Dave Nonis the details of every single Ryan Getzlaf trade he can get to work in GM mode in NHL 13.

  • To be honest, mostly just staying focused on his interpretive dance.

  • Racking his brain trying to remember the details of the trade the sent him to Toronto, while flipping through Toronto sports sections in the desperate hope that one of them might decide to mention it in passing someday.

  • Repeatedly calling up R.A. Dickey, Rudy Gay and Jose Reyes; screaming "RUN! RUN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" into the phone.

  • Scoring at will next to his playmaking first line center while the hockey world hails him as one of the most talented young players in the entire league. (Wait, sorry, my mistake… that's how Phil Kessel will be spending the nine games after the trade deadline).

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22 comments:

  1. Same as every day for the past four weeks: Fighting back tears while standing outside Brian Burke's apartment holding a boombox. - Nice...instant classic meme

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  2. Continuing his admirable work on behalf of his version of the Make-a-Wish charity, in which he helps randomly selected beer league veterans suddenly become Dion Phaneuf's defence partner.
    -- on fire today!!

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  3. I think MaxPac has an adamantium exoskeleton ... :) Very funny article!

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  4. Mike from Philadelphia here . . . you can't replace an endoskeleton with an exoskeleton. They are distinct concepts, and an exoskeleton would make Kessel look like a lobster. Just sayin . . . go Flyers.

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    Replies
    1. does this make you feel like you trumped the purpose of this article in any way? if so, all my congratulations numbering the sum of zero.

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    2. Heh heh, Mike from Philadelphia, that goes back a ways

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    3. Mike from Philadelphia, everybody hates you.

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    4. I, for one, love mike and welcome him back with open arms! Welcome back Mike! Your still an idiot.

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  5. I don't watch the Leafs very often but caught their game last night vs. Carolina on Center Ice. I can only assume that people watch those games with the TV on mute. Definitely some interesting opinions and interpretations. You're really my only source for "Leafs media" so I just assumed all the analysis was insightful and witty. How very wrong of me! :)

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  6. Everyone loves to focus on what Kessel is and is not doing, but how about Tyler Bozak... the guy who's been his center for the better part of 3 seasons now and still can't seem to put together a decent pass.... Carlyle needs to mix things up if he wants something to happen with his so called 'top line'.

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  7. Mike you're an idiot

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  8. "He may have just meant the celebration part." Simply delightful!

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  9. PS offensive minded player learning how to play the trap and still score with a 3rd line center on his line. JVR is doing his job, though.

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  10. I'd buy the book if there was an ad at the bottom of the page.....just the top and both sides?......how bush league

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    Replies
    1. ^ Things never before posted on the internet, ever.

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  11. Sean McIndoe, I can withhold my feelings no more, I am old enough to be your grandmother, however I love you with an unquenchable love.

    I'm just saying.

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  12. Habs fan here.

    Adamantium is awesome. Max Wolverine is good money. And of course, Mike is an idiot

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  13. Montreal 911 operator here

    I'm being informed that Mike is an idiot

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  14. Love the Matt Fratin comment. It's apt. Here in TO any 3rd line Leaf player that has 1 good game is declared a hero and is considered to be a candidate for the Hart!! :-)

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  15. Repeatedly calling up R.A. Dickey, Rudy Gay and Jose Reyes; screaming "RUN! RUN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" into the phone.

    My chair tipped over.

    ReplyDelete