Saturday, June 30, 2012

2012 Free Agency Preview

The last known photo of these two without a
trillion dollars stuffed in their pockets
Tomorrow marks the start of the NHL's annual free agent frenzy. This year's crop is thin on big name talent, but there should be enough top tier players available to ensure that tomorrow will be a busy day.

Here are some of the players who'll be getting the most attention once the clock strikes noon tomorrow.

Ryan Suter

The good: It's extremely rare to have the opportunity to see one of the best defensemen in all of hockey patrolling your team's blueline, so Suter was pretty lucky to get to watch Shea Weber all those years.
The bad: Unlike all his brothers and cousins who are cool about it, when you ask him what it was like growing up on the famous family farm in Viking, Alberta he just stares at you like you're some sort of idiot.
Worth noting: Has been so torn over which of his many potential destinations to choose that he's spent several nights wide awake, pacing his bedroom floor in his favorite Red Wing footy pajamas.

P.A. Parenteau

The good: Shows surprising speed, according to Nassau Coliseum security guards who watched him sprint out of the building the second the season ended.
The bad: Has racked up impressive assist totals with the Islanders over the years, but there's no way of knowing if he could also do it with good players.
Worth noting: His signing will be our only chance to read the headline "Ownership and P.A. reach agreement" for the next six months.

Ray Whitney

The good: Has been a team leader in Phoenix for the past two years, so is probably getting really good at fake-laughing at a teammate's twitter updates.
The bad: Was teammates with Raffi Torres for an entire season and never once pushed him out the cargo door of a moving airplane, so how good a guy can he be?
Worth noting: The league is trying to cut down on ridiculously back-loaded contracts that take a player well past the typical age of retirement, so they'll probably veto any Whitney deal longer than three weeks.

Jaromir Jagr

The good: Makes Ray Whitney feel young.
The bad: Finished a disappointing twelfth in team scoring during the Flyers' first round series with the Penguins, with 43 points.
Worth noting: Has said he wants to finish his career in Philadelphia, which explains why he runs from the room screaming "Nice try!" whenever Paul Holmgrem offers him a long-term contract.

Alexander Semin

The good: Has a reputation as a player who never comes through in the playoffs, so would be a perfect fit somewhere like Calgary or Toronto.
The bad: Being known as the most disappointing Capitals playoff performer is sort of like being known as the most depressed Oiler fan.
Worth noting: Dale Hunter is no longer the Capitals coach, so someone should tell Semin he can come out of that storage bin he's been quivering in since April.

Shane Doan

The good: Has Winnipeg fans all excited that he could return to the Jets, which experts agree is just adorable.
The bad: Has developed the unfortunate negotiating habit of shaking hands with a potential team's owner, pausing for a few minutes, then looking around and saying "So, when does the new guy show up?"
Worth noting: Is the only unrestricted free agent in league history to insist that his contract include a no-movement clause for the franchise.

Martin Brodeur

The good: He's easily the best goaltender available in this year's free agency class.
The bad: That's not really saying much, since the second best goaltender available in this year's free agency class is the French cab driver from those old Mats Sundin commercials.
Worth noting: May have trouble negotiating a deal, since Lou Lamoreillo just hired Sean Avery to stand in front of him and wave his arms every time he tries to read an offer.

Jason Garrison

The good: Is one of the best defensemen available because of how good he is at skating or shooting or defending or something, according to the hockey analyst who clearly seems to be stalling while he Googles who the heck this guy is.
The bad: Lacks playoff experience because he's played his whole career in Florida, and also seems to be battling post-concussion syndrome since he keeps saying weird things like "No seriously, the Panthers were in the playoffs last year, why does nobody remember that?"
Worth noting: It will be awkward when he signs with a new team and then two months later starts getting contract offera in the mail from Dale Tallon.

Zach Parise

The good: Has repeatedly said that he'll be more than happy to stay in New Jersey assuming they can satisfy his main demand, a spot on the first line with Sidney Crosby.
The bad: Despite his reputation as a two-way player the Devils would often turn to other forwards during crucial late-game situations, like when it was time to steal the other team's Stanley Cup-winning puck.
Worth noting: Will look to depart New Jersey on good terms by offering everyone in the Devils front office a firm handshake, after which he'll ask Lou Lamoriello why he's not letting go of his hand and why all those metal shutters just slammed shut over the windows and doors and oh god wait is this room soundproof?




17 comments:

  1. Brodeaur vs Avery - always a classic! And Suter can wear all of the Red Wing footy pjs he wants - as long as he doesn't have wings or wheels on his sweater come September...

    Memo to Jim Rutherford - recycling is a great thing - I throw out my cans and papers in the green bin - but please don't resign Ray Whitney!

    BTW, love your tweet about the Rangers and Martin B!

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    1. He will be ours... oh yes...he will be ours

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  2. I guess there wan't enough room here, since you left out top tier, and Toronto alum, defender Carlo Coliacovo...

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  3. A reference to those great Nike goalie commercials? Brilliant.

    "Learn how to make a kick-save, meatface!"

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  4. Oops - missed a spot.

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  5. Take note, us jets fans do not ADORE shane down anymore. Not after he badmouthed the peg when asked about the team moving here.

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  6. "His signing will be our only chance to read the headline "Ownership and P.A. reach agreement" for the next six months." - This was fantastic. Made me laugh hard and then cry a little. Bravo.

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  7. Die maple leafs die!! You're the worst leafs on earth!!!

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  8. All of them were great! You missed what a "good referee conspiracy theorist" Shand Doan is....

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  9. Please, by any means necessary DO NOT allow Parise / Suter to go to the pens. Red Wings fan #3

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  10. Hey, why no comments about ex-Sharks Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau?


    Wait.... what do you mean they're tied up on long-term deals?

    Oh fucksticks. :(

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  11. "That's a good idea, go ahead. Ha ha ha!" Francois Dupuy was his name.

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    Replies
    1. Best part of the ad is that if features a young Jim Gaffigan as one of the passengers.

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    2. He can probably afford the 3 dollars for the bridge nowadays. And has those beads on his own seats.

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  12. Greetings from finland! The Brodeur/Avery one made me roll on the floor laughing! Great job again DGB!!

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  13. I am late on this one but:

    P.A. Parenteau
    The bad: Has racked up impressive assist totals with the Islanders over the years, but there's no way of knowing if he could also do it with good players.

    If John Tavares and 30+G scorer Matt Moulson aren't "good players" then who the hell is?

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  14. As a Red Wings fan, the worth noting part of Ryan Suter's entry hurts a lot in retrospect. I would guess the Parise entry hurts for Pens fans too.

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