Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Hidden playoff injuries revealed

Jordan Staal is informed of the trade
rumors linking him to the Maple Leafs.
It’s the time of year when hockey fans see something they’re not used to on NHL injury reports: honesty.

By now fans have become used to teams being as vague as possible when it comes to health issues. Many injuries to key players are never acknowledged at all, and those that are mentioned are cryptically referred to as upper or lower body injuries and nothing more.

But that all changes one a team has been eliminated. There’s no point in keeping up the charade once the season is over, so teams finally let the public know what sort of medical challenges the players were dealing with. Sometimes the news confirms fans’ existing suspicions, and sometimes we’re all caught completely off-guard.

Here are some of the hidden injuries that teams have recently revealed after being eliminated from Stanley Cup contention.

Ryan Suter, Nashville Predators – His teammates say he was obviously dealing with some sort of major injury that will require him to meet with a specialist in Detroit, since he spent the past few months constantly whispering into his cellphone about some sort of appointment there at 12:01 on July 1.

David Backes, St. Louis Blues – Along with several teammates, suffered abdominal injuries from laughing at that moronic advance scout who kept insisting that the best way to score on Jonathan Quick was to take slapshots from centre ice.

Ed Jovanovski, Florida Panthers – Keeps saying that he thinks this year’s first round loss will help the Panthers when they’re back in the playoffs next year, which has led to facial trauma from all the people who keep pinching his cheeks and telling him he’s being just adorable.

Ryan Kesler, Vancouver Canucks – Will be out for six months after surgery to repair an injured labrum that has confounded local experts, in the sense that they haven’t been able to figure out how to blame it on Roberto Luongo.

Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins – Was not only hurt but also has terrible cellphone reception since every time you ask him what his injury is he yells “Uh, you’re breaking up on me” and hangs up, according to the people who put together Team Canada’s entry in the World Championships.

Brad Marchand, Boston Bruins – Was battling through an upper-body injury that team doctors described as unusual, since it’s rare to see so many knee-cap-shaped bruises on somebody’s shoulder like that.

Erik Karlsson, Ottawa Senators – Looked pretty darn tired towards the end there and should probably just take half of next season off, according to this petition from other NHL blueliners who’d like to have a chance at winning the defencemen scoring title.

Claude Giroux, Philadelphia Flyers – At some point between the first and second rounds, apparently had whatever that type of injury is that turns you from the consensus best player in the world to an overrated bum that everyone hates in a week.

Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit Red Wings – Has been spotted walking around with this weird growth on his back that looks kind of like Mike Babcock crying and screaming “Please don’t retire!”

Patrick Marleau, San Jose Sharks – Embarrassed team doctors recently admitted that it turns out that they didn’t need to list him on every injury report after all, since technically “eyebrows that make you look super-surprised in every photo” aren’t actually considered an upper body injury.

Alexander Ovechkin, Washington Capitals –Has been dealing with a severely broken heart ever since he heard that coach Dale Hunter won’t return next year, he told everyone, although come to think of it considering all the champagne and balloons there’s a chance he may have been being sarcastic.

Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks – Obviously suffered some sort of serious injury to his knees or legs, since every story about him on gossip blogs these days ends with all his friends having to carry him.




25 comments:

  1. Gold, as always.

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  2. That growth on Lidstrom's back actually is the entire Red Wings fan base

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  3. Two words: Sidney. Crosby.May 15, 2012 at 8:55 AM

    Claudia's always been an overrated bum. No injury needed.

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    1. An overrated Bum that made Sidney look like, well Cindy.

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    2. 8pts in 6 games. Not a bad showing if you ask me. I'm not a fan of either team or player, but Sidney has been considered one of the best in the world for 4-5 years now. Giroux has been included in this discussion...for two weeks. Giroux is a great player, but he's no Sid. Giroux is a Cup and a Gold medal away from even being considered the "best".

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    3. butthurt penguins fans are the best

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    4. Yea 93 pts in 77 games during season 17 pts in 11 during playoffs ....yea bum the same one that laid Cindy out.....Crosby ball sniffer

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    5. Almost had a 100-point season!..almost. Crosby has four.....just sayin. And Crosby still was almost 0.5/points per game better than Giroux this year....JUST SAYIN!

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    6. Of course we all know players are only judged by their point totals.


      Tomas Holmstrom, top 90 in career playoff points, 8th on the active list. Clearly Holmstrom is one of the most elite players the NHL has ever seen, despite he can`t skate or shoot or pass the puck. 4 Stanley Cups, Olympic Gold Medal. When Crosby wins 3 more Stanley Cups will he finally be considered in the ELITE COMPANY OF MEN LIKE TOMAS HOLMSTROM. Afterall, winning championships is the only other criteria players are judged by. *clap* *clap* Just imagine how many points he would get if he played more than 10 minutes a game.

      Look at Adam Oates, one of best PLAYERS EVER, NEVER WON THE CUP. ACCORDING TO YOU THAT WOULD MEAN HIS CAREER WAS WORTHLESS AND DESPITE SCORING ABOUT 1000 MOST POINTS THAN HOMERS, HOMER > OATES BECAUSE HE WON MORE CUPS.

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    7. The sheer number of Flyer fans with unrequited man-crushes on Crosby is really amazing. If he ever went FA and signed with Philly they'd need a Zamboni for the stands to keep them from being all sticky.

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    8. So Giroux had surgery on both of his wrists...

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  4. Why oh why isn't Dustin penner eliminated and on this list.

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  5. ThoseCupBannersArentYoursMay 15, 2012 at 10:32 AM

    I thought Erik Karlsson's injury would be severe back strain from carrying the Senators into a flukey playoff appearance.

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  6. But JR told me Marleau had an injured heart!

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  7. Psshaw. We Canuck fans can find a way to blame ANYTHING on Lu. Hell, he could be traded and playing for the Oilers and every loss of the Canucks would still be his fault.

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  8. Funny, I thought Suter's appointment was in Vancouver or is that Shea Weber?

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  9. The Staal caption is priceless!!

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  10. you forgot marc andre fleury's ice blindness

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  11. Best one ever!!!!!!!!

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  12. You should link a google image search for Patrick Marleau into the article. Absolute gold!

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  13. I made the mistake of taking a drink as I read the Marleau comment. Brilliant.

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  14. The Brad Marchand one -- priceless!

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