rumors linking him to the Maple Leafs.
By now fans have become used to teams being as vague as possible when it comes to health issues. Many injuries to key players are never acknowledged at all, and those that are mentioned are cryptically referred to as upper or lower body injuries and nothing more.
But that all changes one a team has been eliminated. There’s no point in keeping up the charade once the season is over, so teams finally let the public know what sort of medical challenges the players were dealing with. Sometimes the news confirms fans’ existing suspicions, and sometimes we’re all caught completely off-guard.
Here are some of the hidden injuries that teams have recently revealed after being eliminated from Stanley Cup contention.
Ryan Suter, Nashville Predators – His teammates say he was obviously dealing with some sort of major injury that will require him to meet with a specialist in Detroit, since he spent the past few months constantly whispering into his cellphone about some sort of appointment there at 12:01 on July 1.
David Backes, St. Louis Blues – Along with several teammates, suffered abdominal injuries from laughing at that moronic advance scout who kept insisting that the best way to score on Jonathan Quick was to take slapshots from centre ice.
Ed Jovanovski, Florida Panthers – Keeps saying that he thinks this year’s first round loss will help the Panthers when they’re back in the playoffs next year, which has led to facial trauma from all the people who keep pinching his cheeks and telling him he’s being just adorable.
Ryan Kesler, Vancouver Canucks – Will be out for six months after surgery to repair an injured labrum that has confounded local experts, in the sense that they haven’t been able to figure out how to blame it on Roberto Luongo.
Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins – Was not only hurt but also has terrible cellphone reception since every time you ask him what his injury is he yells “Uh, you’re breaking up on me” and hangs up, according to the people who put together Team Canada’s entry in the World Championships.
Brad Marchand, Boston Bruins – Was battling through an upper-body injury that team doctors described as unusual, since it’s rare to see so many knee-cap-shaped bruises on somebody’s shoulder like that.
Erik Karlsson, Ottawa Senators – Looked pretty darn tired towards the end there and should probably just take half of next season off, according to this petition from other NHL blueliners who’d like to have a chance at winning the defencemen scoring title.
Claude Giroux, Philadelphia Flyers – At some point between the first and second rounds, apparently had whatever that type of injury is that turns you from the consensus best player in the world to an overrated bum that everyone hates in a week.
Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit Red Wings – Has been spotted walking around with this weird growth on his back that looks kind of like Mike Babcock crying and screaming “Please don’t retire!”
Patrick Marleau, San Jose Sharks – Embarrassed team doctors recently admitted that it turns out that they didn’t need to list him on every injury report after all, since technically “eyebrows that make you look super-surprised in every photo” aren’t actually considered an upper body injury.
Alexander Ovechkin, Washington Capitals –Has been dealing with a severely broken heart ever since he heard that coach Dale Hunter won’t return next year, he told everyone, although come to think of it considering all the champagne and balloons there’s a chance he may have been being sarcastic.
Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks – Obviously suffered some sort of serious injury to his knees or legs, since every story about him on gossip blogs these days ends with all his friends having to carry him.