Saturday, November 19, 2011

The secret agenda from this week's GM meetings

While Burke's new acquisition was only 10 inches
tall and completely immobile, the critics had to
agree that he did upgrade the goaltending.
The NHL held its annual general managers meeting this week, as 30 of the most powerful men in the league gathered in Toronto for a discussion of various league issues.

But what exactly were they talking about? As always, the meeting was closed to the media. And while some GMs did offer brief comments to reporters about what was discussed, league policy is that the official agenda is never released to the public.

Until now, that is. DGB spies were in attendance, and they were able to pass on a copy of the full day's schedule:

9:00 a.m. - Opening remarks from Gary Bettman: "Well, at least we're not the NBA!"

9:30 a.m. - Opening remarks from Donald Fehr: "… for one more year."

10:00 a.m. - Buffalo GM Darcy Regier presents an argument in favour of stricter penalties for hits against goaltenders such as the recent one by Milan Lucic against Ryan Miller, including an ominous threat that the Sabres may now be forced to seek retribution during their next game against Boston.

10:02 a.m. - Everyone in the room tries really hard to keep a straight face at the idea that the Sabres have anyone on the roster who's going to scare the Bruins.

10:03 a.m. - Everyone fails.

10:30 a.m. - Islanders' GM Garth Snow presents a detailed proposal entitled "Look, I'm not singling anyone out, but the next CBA really needs a way for us to cancel horrible long-term contracts given to goaltenders."

10:31 a.m. - Mike Gillis slowly sits down after realizing he's the only one participating in the enthusiastic standing ovation.

11:00 a.m. - Group discussion: "Hey guys, remember how before this CBA when GMs all got together in a room there used to be these things called 'trades', and it was really fun and entertaining and the fans loved it? Yeah, me neither."

12:00 noon - Lunch, unless Pierre Gauthier fired the caterer an hour before he was supposed to start work.

1:00 p.m. - A discussion about the trap, and whether it could be responsible for creating a dull brand of defensive-minded hockey that will lower scoring and drive away a generation of fans.

1:20 p.m. - A discussion about why we didn't have the previous discussion 15 years ago.

1:31 p.m. - Flyers' GM Paul Holmgrem notices what time it is and abruptly refuses to continue participating.

2:00 p.m. - Group discussion: "Changing the icing rules so defencemen stop getting their legs snapped in half for no reason: Let's all try really hard to pretend we're actually considering it this year."

2:30 p.m. - "Point: Brendan Shanahan is doing a wonderful job!" - A joint presentation by every GM who hasn't had a player suspended yet this year.

2:40 p.m. - "Counterpoint: Brendan Shanahan is doing a terrible job!" - A joint presentation by every GM who has had a player suspended this year.

2:50 p.m. - "Hey, why don't we all watch some old YouTube clips of Brendan Shanahan from his playing days repeatedly punching people in the face because they got on his nerves" - A presentation by Brendan Shanahan

3:00 p.m. - Question period with Brendan Shanahan. (Note: There will be no questions.)

3:05 p.m. - Hey, now might be a good time for somebody to go check on the room where all the GMs dropped off their grandchildren with some paper and crayons, and see which one has successfully designed the next New York Islander third jerseys.

3:45 p.m. - Scott Howson tentatively raises his hand to ask why the Columbus invitation to the next meeting in a few months was addressed to "occupant".

4:30 p.m. - A special closing presentation by former Toronto Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr.: "How my failure to recognize the obvious need for a complete rebuild turned out to be a catastrophic mistake from which the team has never fully recovered even to this day".

4:35 p.m. - Jay Feaster awkwardly begins to wonder why everyone in the room is staring at him.


  1. Time it took for me to get the P Holmgren time trap-joke; 0,45min.
    Shameful - and&but a very hilarious joke. When u&me get it.

    A great post in all Sean, you´ve been on a roll lately me thinks!

  2. You failed to mention that it is actually those grandchildren of NHL general managers that the Islanders employ these days.

  3. funny stuff right there.
    Paul Holmgren refusing to participate at 1:31 was great

  4. This is just hilarious. Loved the Gillis and Snow bit.

  5. Im a Sabres fan and even I had to laugh at the Regier comments....sad but true

  6. GRandchildren and Isles third jerseys one was the best!! Nice job DGB

  7. i was hoping for a "holy crap Doug ARmstrong is here"...hide you blackberries, hide you top d-men, and hide you forwards, cause he's stealin all yo top stars!!!

  8. It was all really great. I think I liked the Shanaban thread best. (And, of course, the caption was gold!)

  9. looks like they took the worst design for the Isles

  10. Haha one of the best for a long time!!

  11. I found your comments to be very entertaining.

    I was particularly appreciative of that witty Flyers comment and wish to send a token of my appreciation.

    To where shall I address it?

  12. You should give a short information which GM leads which team, "...CBJs Scott Howson..." for example. Im relativly well informed about nhl, but this time i had to open wikipedia to get every joke. Just for the next time.

  13. NotChrisPronger, well done.